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Friday, September 3, 2010

Vigilant Window

I find it interesting that the word “vigilant” contains the word “vigil” – which means “a watch kept during normal sleeping hours. A period or act of observing.” It is the sense of wakefulness. This is what “window sitting” is for me, what it has become - a vigil of wakefulness. Not a vigil *for* anything in particular, but just a period of silent meditative awareness, both outwardly and inwardly – just listening. I don’t know what to expect when I sit, what the vigil will bring, so I just wait and see. And something usually always presents itself to be seen.

The last few nights at the window the dogs next door have been out, providing both a source of amusement and distraction to my window vigil. They have been particularly vigilant, exceptionally watchful, waiting for their owner to come home and let them in – whimpering. They appear to be very anxious as well, frantically running from one end of the yard to the other – fearful, reactive to every little movement, barking at shadows - hyper-vigilant, running themselves ragged. A chorus of coyotes yelps and howls from the field just a couple of houses away when the dogs bark, which spooks the dogs and makes them more hyper – and gives me the chills. I can feel their fear. And my heart feels for them, for their fear, for their obvious suffering. I want to take them in, to tell them they are safe and protected. I wonder if their owner is even aware that they suffer like this when he is gone – obviously not… Do any of us really know how another suffers unless we’re paying attention…

As I watched them I knew there was something to be seen here. They reminded me of how I used to be – vigilant, fearful, anxious about life, constantly anticipating what was going to happen – anticipating attacks – being on guard – suffering inwardly. And I remembered, vigilance wants safety and control, wants life to be predictable and tries hard to get it that way in order to avoid the messiness of life, the chaos and uncertainty. The mind on vigilance, like on some drug, is constantly running scenarios of fear - feeling out of control - and uses vigilance as a false sense of control. But it is draining to keep a vigilant mind. A vigilant mind becomes a critical and judgmental mind – never satisfied.

Keeping vigil, however, is peaceful, calming, restful, life sustaining instead of depleting life with nervous energy. Keeping vigil at the window, this period of inner meditative wakefulness, has provided a new perspective, a new view – a new sense of conscious awareness that is different than vigilance. There is less of a sense of responsibility for others, of needing to be on top of things, trying to control what others are doing or not doing, or how I am performing. There is a softening towards myself and others, and an openness to the way life is going; a wait and see approach – like sitting at the window… Little by little I’ve noticed that in keeping vigil at the window, the vigilant mind is settling into a new rhythm, and life is feeling more joyful. Imagine that…

~*~


8 comments:

  1. You know Christine...this is so in keeping with what I am presently going through with my blood Sister. For whatever reason the Universe has deemed she be in my home...she is a wreck and her anxiety sometimes leaches out and tries to grab hold of me. Trying to be vigilant then for me, is to stay in that serenity of the moment and to just keep breathing? I have found myself many times the observer and being that then has brought me up and away from the energy pouring out of her. I cannot say I haven't been affected because I have, but I am much better able to deal with it now. This letting go and not being responsible, has taught both of us that my being the older Sister does not mean I pick up the pieces or fix anything. Perhaps the vigil is for myself..I'm thinking it is... and that is a very good thing! Like your being able to feel the fear of the dogs, I have felt my Sister's fear and had to quickly move myself away lest I be struck with the sword. And as you say...
    'There is a softening towards myself and others, and an openness to the way life is going; a wait and see approach – like sitting at the window… Little by little I’ve noticed that in keeping vigil at the window, the vigilant mind is settling into a new rhythm, and life is feeling more joyful. Imagine that...'
    Thanks for helping me to see things I may have not seen otherwise? You didn't know you were, but you really have been.
    Have a Beautiful Weekend!

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  2. Insightful post.

    "The mind on vigilance, like on some drug, is constantly running scenarios of fear - feeling out of control - and uses vigilance as a false sense of control." I like this! It is so right on the money. Who doesn't know this scenario? Yet shining this light of awareness of it kind of deflates it doesn't it? Thanks for the flashlight.

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  3. Wow Akasa ~ thank you for this. I am grateful that this spoke to you.

    It has also been important for me to see the difference between feeling *responsible* for "fixing" others (vigilance) and allowing them to have their own life experience, while being there for them in practical ways. One of the things I realized this year was that I cannot save others from their life experience - as you say, "being the older sister does not mean I pick up the pieces or fix anything." Ah-ho! Big time!

    The "vigil" then, it seems, is this sense of wakeful awareness to what is going on in the dynamic, this inner awareness of how your energy is being used, or misused - as you are doing. And, I would also say that the vigil is to *remember* who you really are - to sit in the inner window of your Heart whenever you can and remember your True Self - that still place within that is not affected by any of this. This, more than anything else, will help you deal with your sister's energy and situation in a way that is beneficial to both of you, without sacrificing your self. (I hope this doesn't sound prescriptive!) In being present with your Self (the vigil at your inner window), you can be present to others without this sense of vigilance - which comes from fear. You can, in a sense, 'hold the space' energetically for your sister to go through what she needs to go through without engaging her energy. If this makes sense...

    Blessings for a peaceful time with your sister.

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  4. Hey ZDS! Aw shucks :) We'll just keep passing the awareness flashlight around, lighting each other's way :)

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  5. Thanks Christine and no it does not sound prescriptive at all...I merely think of the mirror effect. I do hold that space energetically for her. Passing the awareness light around sounds awfully good to me, lol!
    Funny thing is this week has been one long Aha! moment...where I'd find myself out of body and looking at myself from an awareness I haven't been able to grasp in a while...thankfully it is back and shining that flashlight!

    Blissings Dear Friend!

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  6. Thank you ...thank you Christine. With my daughter's wedding this weekend this post is just p-e-r-f-e-c-t :) Also what Alaska says..."Little by little I’ve noticed that in keeping vigil at the window, the vigilant mind is settling into a new rhythm, and life is feeling more joyful. Imagine that...'
    YES!!...Imagine THAT!!! It feels there is a ray of seeing that my daughter has her life to live and the lessons to learn from it. Same with my son. Same for their mother :)
    Thanks again -- and again -- for these timely, Wisdom soaked posts. They shine in this heart as some of the greatest help and reflect with utter brilliance the one Light.
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  7. Thank you Leslie. I am humbled... Just reflecting back the Light that comes in/through the window :)

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