Welcome...

Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Simplicity...


Trusting in the simplicity of Life,
let what comes, come to you…

Resting in simplicity,
all things will find you…

Trusting Life ~
The Heart will open…


journal notes 2004


Photo ~ glass lid in the morning light ~ 2010



Sunday, November 28, 2010

"Cave Writings" - Freedom

Everything that happens
is an invitation to

Freedom…

Every life experience
is an invitation -
to rest in the ground of Being -

Freedom…

Everything is an invitation to
see differently,
relate differently,
engage differently,
function differently,
from the foundation of our Being.

~ to see beyond habituated patterns ~

Freedom…

It’s all an invitation
to see how life really “works;”
to see how the dream works,
and to remain unaffected by the dream…

Freedom…

It is an invitation to see
that only Love lies beyond
the wall of “me” –

to see
beyond the maze of the mind:
thoughts,
feelings,
beliefs, ideas, struggles,
illusions
of
separateness,
and stories…


Freedom…


~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
Nov. 28, 2010



Photo – a picture of a mouse in a maze
on a poster for “Career Transitions”
taken by my husband…




Friday, November 26, 2010

An Owl Story...

There’s something about hearing the hoo of an owl at night that makes my heart coo…

Around 5pm on Thanksgiving evening I was sitting at my desk, reading blogs :), when I heard the gentle, rhythmic hoo-ing sound of an owl. I could tell it was close. My curiosity got the better of me and I went from window to window to see if I could find where the sound was coming from. I thought for sure it must have been on the roof. B thought it was in one of the neighbor’s trees. We felt like we at least located the general direction it was coming from, so like a couple of kids, we decided to go looking. We went around to the side of the house where the hoos echoed between our house and the neighbor’s like an echo in a canyon. As we walked, the dry leaves cracked under our feet. We were afraid we’d scare it away, so we stopped and just listened. Again we heard the strong, rhythmic hoo-ing sounds. In the distance we also heard the faint hoo-ing of 2 other owls. All three calling out to each other in the darkness… Magic was underfoot… Well that and the cracking leaves… We tried again to move closer to the sound…

I’m sure the owl spotted us, even though we couldn’t spot it, because the hoo-ing stopped. Darn…

In our curiosity and need to pursue it, we evidently scared it off. If I had just stayed “inside”, silent and listening, I could have enjoyed the mysterious sounds a little longer – but the innocent desire to attain the *experience* called me out of stillness… Hmmm – interesting…

Pondering the experience in “The Cave” last night produced this…


Song of night,
the mysterious owl’s gentle hoo,
echoes its call:
pay attention,
listen,
don’t move…

In stillness
the owl *sees*,
acutely aware of
the slightest move,
the faintest sound;
everything perceived…

Silent in its night flight,
only the sound of its call,
dissolving in thin air -
appearing and disappearing…

Awareness, awareing it all…


This morning at breakfast, B said what he heard was a pattern in the hoos of the owl. Morse code to be exact… Yes, the Mystic and the Analyst – both poetry in motion, heard differently. He said in the rhythm of the owl’s hoo-ing he heard the Morse code sounds for the letters: E-U-T-T, which he translated for himself to mean: Experience Ultimate Transformational Tranquility… In other words, he said:

Be at Peace…

The call of Nature…

~~~~~~



Monday, November 22, 2010

Sacred Harmony

While transitioning, out of curiosity, I watched the documentary film by Prince Charles of Wales called “Harmony.” Now I am not an activist, or environmentalist, but I was deeply moved by this film. In fact it is partly what broke this cycle of fear that I have been in. There were many tidbits of Dharma – which actually surprised me. For instance, Prince Charles said: “…we have the ability to be connected to the inner patterns of nature, to the inner patterns of the natural world…to be in relationship with the Sacred.” A Dr. Shiva from India was interviewed and she said that in order save the environment “we need to recognize our non-separable connection with life; recognize our mutuality, inclusion, and solidarity with each other, and have a deep awareness for the role that everything plays; that when we have the awareness that every day life is based on the Sacred we have harmony. Basically the film’s message is that when we recognize and work with the patterns of nature, seeing everything as Sacred, we find the answers to our environmental problems.

Many of us know this already of course, but I don’t remember any “environmental activist” saying it in quite this way before. If this is not true, then pardon my ignorance. I’ve been in “The Cave” listening to the Voice of Stillness, not angry environmental activists shouting their in-your-face, fear-based message. Even our own Al Gore had a rather alarmist message that the sky was falling, despite his rather demure and dry delivery. No, I don’t recall hearing the message ever being delivered so – gently, so heart-based, so “spiritually” before. And by a Prince!? So it caught my attention. In the end Prince Charles said: “We must look to the abandoned wisdom, knowledge and understanding for a new paradigm.” By “abandoned” I believe he meant the “ancient wisdom” – the wisdom of the ancients who knew that the movement and sustainability of life is based on a primordial Harmony found in nature.

I don’t know why this film moved me in the way that it did. But the words and images awakened a deep longing to *live* this Harmony, to live the Natural Rhythm of Life; to re-ignite the spark of this ancient wisdom and live an authentic, “awakened” life in congruency with The Sacred – our Beingness. I didn’t feel the need to “save the planet.” There was no sudden urge to become an “environmentalist.” Yet, it awakened a remembrance of The Sacred in life, a recognition of the Sacred that *is* Life ItSelf. As the spark ignited again, a kind of excitement for life arose, and I seemed to remember that we live in Sacred Harmony with Life by deeply knowing our Essential Nature – our Beingness; not by forcing a change in the way we live or manipulating the environment – but by becoming deeply aware of our Original Nature – The Sacred Harmony that we are; knowing that we are inseparable from The Sacred. Of course. Ancient Wisdom… This seemed to be the subtle message in the film as well. And whether you believe the planet needs “saving” or not is not the point of this post. It’s really that when we *recognize* and live *as* our Original Nature, we thrive - harmoniously…

I had forgotten this wisdom. I haven’t been *living* it, wasn’t *seeing* everything as Sacred, as “connected.” I have been in the delusion of separation once again. Transitioning out of the experience of fear however, has left this very open and curious space that just wants to be aware of and absorb The Sacred that’s in everything - to experience the Harmony of the living and breathing Essential Nature of Reality.

And now back to “The Cave” to explore the vastness of Sacred Harmony… :)


~~~~~~~

You can watch “Harmony” online.


Photo – “A Spiral Galaxy in Hydra”
From the book: “The Invisible Universe”
by David Malin


~*~

“…surrender to the Mystery that moves life.
The wholeness of Being sees itself as whole.
When we are deeply touched by something
it is the Mystery stirring in its human expression…
How each of us is aroused to awaken
comes in many forms.
But the deep longing for Truth, Self, [the Sacred]
comes from within Itself, your Self.
Nothing is outside your Self -
not a leaf, a galaxy, longing or love…

For a time we may bow before an idea, an image,
a form, a picture, a deity, a teacher, a guru, a mountain,
imagining that is divine and we are not.
Eventually we discover it is
the divine that sees the divine;
…buddha that sees buddha.

…a life lived in harmony with Reality
does not refuse the moment-to-moment unfolding
of life.
[It is] being intimate with the moments of your own experience;
paying attention to those that seem to touch you in some
deep, unknown, mysterious place.”

Dorothy Hunt




Saturday, November 20, 2010

In Transition...

Yesterday morning was the first morning in a long time that I have awakened *without* the underlying feeling of fear, but with a depth of clarity and stability in meeting the day - a welcome change! There is more of a sense of mindfulness/awareness of what's beyond "the fear dream" that has a quality of curiosity and gratitude - which is also very welcome!

I seem to have "transitioned" into a "new" place, a new way of seeing, which I am unable to articulate at this time. And yet, I’m still in a very deep place of “not knowing” – a deep place of “emptiness” - knowing that it doesn’t matter what I “know” ,or don’t know for that matter, or whether I can articulate what “I” know (which is only what I *think* I know) as there are no words that can articulate “IT” anyway - except that it has something to do with *experiencing* life in new ways, seeing “The Sacred” in everything, and honoring the "Natural Rhythms." There are many changes/transitions underfoot here in many areas of my life – creating a feeling of groundlessness and directionless-ness – which I have come to accept. The release of fear has created a very open space, which seems to be preparing me for new explorations and discoveries :) Future "Cave Writings" I'm sure! :)

All is infinitely well…

There is a love that lives beyond the veil of “me”,
beyond the veil of fear…

~*~


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dreaming The Fear

Just days after entering “The Cave” and meeting the fear I started having nightmares. Am not surprised actually. When you “decide” – that is, when you have been nailed to the cave wall by your fears you have no other choice than to meet with your demons, because the demons show up. Funny how that happens. Anyway, I thought I’d share this dream, not so much for its possible interpretations, but for the metaphor and Dharma it provided with regard to the fear that is moving through here…

In the dream I am laying in bed, just as I usually am while sleeping. A voice in the dream said: “Maybe you need to take care of that before B gets home.” There was a sense that “the voice” motioned to the window. So in my dream I looked at the window across from me, and it appeared as if there was someone behind the curtain panel on the left, as there was a protrusion of the curtain in the shape of a body and head. I kept looking, trying to see more clearly. As I attempted to look more intently at what this was, an eye appeared in front of the curtain panel to the right, with the faintest outline of a face – the emphasis being the eye; a rather large eye – just staring back at me. In the dream it freaked me out, triggering the nightmare. And I evidently did my usual warbling routine that I do when having nightmares, waking my husband up. I then heard B saying in my ear: “It’s okay – you’re dreaming – it’s just a dream – it’ll be okay.” That woke me up from the dream just enough to allow me to realize I was dreaming, and that there was no boogyman behind the curtain… Whew!

What came to me in the moments after, when I was trying to fall back to sleep, was – “Fear is a dream.” It was as if a switch went off in my head – bing.

This led to the insight that “fearing” during waking hours is also dream. It’s a dream of fear in Consciousness/Awareness. The *mind* of this mechanism called ‘me’ evidently gets freaked out by life’s make-believe boogymen behind curtains. Fear apparently happens when we focus on the construct of the ‘me’ and not the greater context of Self that is really living here.

I also noted that in some ways Fear has become a mask, a persona with which I have met the world. And that construct is collapsing evidently - hopefully. Five days before I had the nightmare I passed a kidney stone – the release of frozen fear. Fear is being released from this body-mind in many ways, and it appears that the “me” structure that has carried this fear all these years may be collapsing with it, as there is a growing recognition of its emptiness – revealing that this mask of fear, this fearful “me” is really a dream veil – hiding the real Self…

In the dream I *believed* I saw “the boogyman” hiding behind the curtain. I *believed* I saw an eye staring back at me. In the dream they were real to me, causing fear. But they were just dream figures rising from the mind, or psyche. And the only thing that *broke* the belief was being told that it was only a dream and waking up to the fact that it was only a dream. Hearing the words, “it’s just a dream,” spoken in my ear - the dream and the belief in its realness dissolved….

Somehow this should translate into waking life as well, don’t you think! There should be this amazing “enlightenment” that life is just a dream – a construct of the mind – with resulting joy and bliss at this realization. As of yet, this hasn’t fully happened. This sense of me evidently still believes the dream figures that appear from behind life’s curtains like a habituated dream machine. But I seem to know on some level that these fears are only dream ghosts from past beliefs, from repetitive, reactive responses to life’s events. The awareness is there – that the fear I experience is just that, an experience, created by how I *see* or what I *believe* about what I see. In this sense I seem to be slowly awakening from the dream machine.


~*~

“You dream your experiences.
You dream that you are (afraid, fearful, anxious)
Look at experiences as insubstantially transient
and related to mind projections.

When we think of experiences as only a dream,
it is less real to us.
It loses its power over us -
the power we gave it -
so it can no longer disturb us…”

Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche
The Tibetan Yoga of Dreams and Sleep
Quote taken from ZenDotStudio blog

~

So where is the experience actually experienced?
In Awareness…
There’s only Awareness
experiencing Itself as energy.
This sense of ‘me’ floats within Awareness.
It’s all Awareness – dreaming…

Author unknown…

~~~~~~~

Photo – the face of my drum


Monday, November 15, 2010

Drumming the Fear...

Several days ago I was inspired watching a man play a “Hang Drum” on a You Tube Video posted on Simply This. It reminded me that I could *drum* the fear I have been experiencing – that I could feel it and drum the feeling. So I got out my old Buffalo drum from way back when, sat in my “Cave” and started drumming. Initially I was banging on the drum with my hand, banging out the feeling like you would expect a drum to be drummed by a two year old. Bang, bang, bang… Beating it loud and hectic – matching the intensity of the fear that I felt inside – each beat crescendoing (is this even a word?:) into the other - louder and faster. And then the banging stopped – not the fear. I found myself actually *playing* the drum with my fingers – resting it on its side in my lap up against my chest, holding it with one hand and playing it with the other – hearing tones in each subtle movement.

The harsh banging sounds spiraled into soft sounds of my fingers tapping out inner rhythms as the fingers spontaneously moved. Surprisingly they weren’t “fearful” sounds. They were comforting sounds; sometimes single little taps, sometimes rhythmic taps, sometimes little scratching sounds with my finger nails, and sometimes a blend of them all producing a somewhat lyrical expression. As I leaned in to the drum, listening more deeply, I heard faint echoey distant “music” emerging as the drum gave voice. I was mesmerized by it, caught up in the sound of the tones – losing my “self.” Listening to the song of the drum, the mind and its fear disappeared into a softer hum in the background. A moment of sweet repose…


The drumming sounds became the opening, the doorway into the deep Silence beyond the fear. Drumming opened the door to meeting the fear and just Being. I know this is not new – indigenous people use drumming as a doorway to Consciousness all the time. The drum and its song transported “me” (my awareness) to the depths of Stillness within – where fear does not dwell. Drumming became the Rhythm of the Deep – gently playing to my fearful heart. I leaned into it…

The waves of fear on the surface became less and less. It wasn’t that the fear was totally gone. It was that the Singing Silence within was greater…


~~~~~~

You can view another Hanging Drum Music Video
at Akasa Wolf Song's Blog
Heart Songs...

~~~~~~

Photo – scrapbooking paper



Friday, November 12, 2010

Meeting Fear in "The Cave..."

I knew this is why I entered “The Cave.” I keep getting chased down by anxiety and fear. And so I knew - it is time to stop running, get still, listen and meet this debilitating fear – again. I have carried it all my life and I am exhausted from carrying it. I have tried many times over the years to lay this fear down, to trick it, to manage it, to numb it, to be aware of it… But awareness of it is not enough. It must be faced full on – in all of its disguises. But first, I had to experience the Silence of deep Rest in “The Cave” to prepare the way, to be open to meet Fear, and allow myself to experience it all the way through. I am not yet “through” the fear, but the journey has begun - with trepidation – but no longer resistant…

“The Cave” serves several purposes. It provides the physical space, like a holding space, and is the inner space of deep Silence that is the foundation for seeing with clarity, for entering into the exploration and investigation of the hidden shadows of the self in the safety of the deeper space of Awareness.

The first night that I sat with fear in the “The Cave” I was amazed that Awareness curiously moved towards it, entered it, and experienced it. It was not afraid of fear, but was compassionate towards it. A small opening of light came through. I began to relax and allow the fear to be.

The second night I sat with fear I became aware that I am somehow invested in it, although I don’t understand why or the dynamics of how that happened. But I realized that there is an attachment and a familiarity with fear that makes it hard to just “let go of” despite the pain that it creates. It is such an ingrained, habituated pattern that in a sense it has become the default position in my psyche.

In sitting with fear I became aware that fear is the mind’s view of things. It’s the view through the lens of fear that I am somehow attached to… I “know” intellectually that fear is based on a belief in a separate “self” – but that knowledge is also not enough. Something needs to be seen more deeply here, but at this point I am still blind to it.

The third night I realized that anxiety traumatizes the body. Fear is very visceral, releasing all kinds of fear hormones and bodily symptoms that wear out the body… There was the understanding, once again, that fear is triggered by thoughts believed to be true, to be real, creating this physical trigger – the body-mind’s response to a mental state of mind – a biological response to the mind’s view. The body-mind mechanism automatically defaults to anxiety with its resulting physical felt experience of trauma. Even the *thought* of facing the fear creates fear. It is so uncomfortable physically that is it hard to face this construct of fear without spiraling into panic.

And I realized - once again - that despite many “awakenings”, much of the time my life is fear driven by this underground electrical current – short circuiting everything in its path. Anxiety has become an entrapment, a prison - a private self-torture of the mind…

I have seen all these insights before and yet there is still “fearing.”

What is the remedy then I asked…

These words emerged from within: Follow the Fear. Let it take you deeper. Deeply attend to it. Explore the tendrils of it. Allow yourself to *fully* experience it. Watch how it plays itself out; where it goes, what it tells you, where it leads the mind and body. Trust where it takes you.

Oh sure, I thought… Easy for you to say – whoever “you” are! And yet I know this is “right.”

And so in the depths of Inner Silence I continue to meet Fear again and again. This time I am willing to stay with it, to see it through, to walk hand and hand with it deeper into “The Cave.”


~*~


“In order to transform our fears
we must be willing to enter the cave
of the Blue Dragon.
There we come face to face
with our despair
and all aspects of the mind…

Standing at the mouth of the cave
of the Blue Dragon
and yelling ‘I’m not afraid’
is not the same as entering it
with compassion for who (what) we will find.”

Genju – 108zenbooks


*


“It takes exhaustion to stop running…
to surrender and be led within,
deeper and deeper into this journey,
the dazzling dark journey into ourselves…”

Ameeta – Self discovering self


~*~

photo - scrapbook paper




Monday, November 8, 2010

Entering "The Cave..."

For the last several nights I have been able to enter “The Cave” and just relax. By “The Cave” I mean the deep caverns of inner Stillness. The physical “cave” of my meditation room serves as a metaphor for entering this space within and just sitting in Silence – being aware of Awareness and whatever else arises in this space. By Silence I mean the deep space of Awareness – in which existence exists – beyond the sense of “I am”, beyond the sense of the individual “I” existence – beyond form. Here is a writing from “The Cave.”


~*~

Entering “The Cave”
the place of deep awareness and
knowing Stillness…

Relaxing…
Listening deeply for the Inner Voice.
Following its sound.
Finding its Rhythm in the fluid, instinctive
inner River of Awareness.

It is the space of “The Beloved.”

This aware, awake space is curious and unafraid,
wants to engage, to see,
to know, to experience ~

and be experienced…

The Beloved is deeply compassionate,
deeply open,

…and is waiting to be known…

Pure Awareness
flows through here ~
the life blood of The Beloved.
It flows around the obstacles of my mind,
and moves toward every disturbance,
filling every mind-made crack and crevice,
wanting to meet, soothe, comfort, and embrace.

In “The Cave”
there is only patience, waiting, and listening
in deep rest…

There is refuge in this space,
this Cave of Awareness…
The Cave of the Beloved…

The Cave of the True Heart…

Home…

~*~

Photo - specialty scrapbooking paper



Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Change of Venue

Like the season, I seem to be transitioning. I am in a place of “not knowing” at the moment.

Because of the change in season and the colder night weather, I have had to change venues for “window sitting.” I have had to return to the comfort of “the cave” – my regular meditation space. It has been a difficult adjustment. There has been a lot of unexpected restlessness and unsettledness in changing spaces. I miss my window. But I don’t like sitting there with the window closed, as the open window has been a big part of my experience – leaning into the Night – smelling the fresh smells - hearing the sounds of Nature. The pull of the window is no longer there. This pull has been missing for a couple of weeks now, which I interpret to mean that there is a need for change. So I am being available to that change, to the awareness of what needs to change, to where the pull of Consciousness wants to go…

I have tried “window sitting” in the morning at a different window, sitting in the sun. But it’s not the same. I’ve tried “the cave” at different times to see if that made a difference. But no… It’s as if the “window” has been closed inwardly as well… And I’m beginning to feel a little alarmed. Maybe this change of venue is about a change in “seeing” – in the way I *see* that needs to change. And maybe this restlessness and inability to settle in to “the cave” is resistance – resistance to going deeper, to entering more deeply into the cave within. Maybe it’s resistance to seeing those remaining hidden shadows that continue to dance on the walls of my mind – particularly fear. It’s a very deep neuronal groove in this brain that needs to be deeply seen and met.

So I’m trying to nest again – to settle into “the cave.” I find lately that I just like sitting there, in the dark, sometimes only a candle on, (floor cushion is no longer an option) – just sitting in the cave of Silence, deepening into the breath and the space of deep inner Stillness. It seems to be just what is needed at this time.

And what is noticed is that there is also a sense of transition in my “spiritual experience” as well. I recently realized that I am tired of all the “structures,” the conceptual structures of being, even the so-called ‘non-duality’ conceptual structures. There is a need to just be in the Spaciousness of Existence – absent any kind of construct – constructs of philosophy, religion, belief, words language, mental and emotional constructs, and frameworks of interpretation; just sitting with awareness of what is Aware, in the fluidity of not knowing – exploring “the cave” and seeing what might be written on its walls…


~*~