As a child I had an innocent longing to “know God” – directly – a child’s understanding of a religious “God” figure - and pursued that longing through many “spiritual paths” over many years. Then the path evolved into the search for “Awakening” and “Enlightenment” They are all the same “path” really, Longing for what is Ineffable in different disguises. And now, after all these many paths, I finally stopped pursuing; not because I had finally “found” anything – but because The Ineffable is not a “thing” to be “found” – It only and always just IS. Everywhere… simultaneously. One only needs to turn within, feel The Silence, and intuitively listen to and experience the movement of The Ineffable within – the inherent inner Reality - directly. And yet, there is still a Longing for what I call the “Supreme Reality” beyond the surface of daily living – that which illumines everyday reality…
Being on a “spiritual path” implies that one is going somewhere, seeking some thing at the end of the journey - like retirement after a life of working, or the magical pot of gold at the end of the mythical rainbow, or even the mystical “Holy Grail.” Or maybe one is even seeking an end to something, like suffering, pain, ignorance, their humanness, or the end of seeking itself. But what if there was no need for seeking the illusive big “Some-thing” that spiritual seekers are seeking? I know, I have been down the “seeking road” – many times.
The pursuit of “Enlightenment”/”Awakening”/”Self-Realization” has lost its luster, its pull, its certainty of an end for me – much like the other paths I have taken throughout my life. They are just constructs. And I found they did not take me where my Heart longed to go… And – I finally noticed that the energy of “pursuit” has a quality of trying to get something, or somewhere – to arrive; striving, struggling to find; grasping after an illusive thing that I called “Enlightenment”, “Awakening” (or God). Pursuing had become a burden that I must find what I was pursuing – like a game of hide and seek.
Not pursuing has relieved that burden. It relieved the burden of feeling responsible for finding some thing - forever seeking. Instead remaining open to The Ineffable allows the Ineffable to reveal ItSelf – like a treasure that has always been there, but suddenly reveals its brilliance in the every-day-ness of life, when we aren’t looking.
Years of seeking and pursuing brought me to the realization that as we “evolve” the “path” dissolves. What we think we “know” about The Ineffable, God, life, spirituality changes, and we find ourselves in a place of not needing to seek, not needing to know anything about The Ineffable, but only wanting to experience The Ineffable; to experience that which can’t be truly “known” with the mind – but through a more intimate, intuitive “knowing” with the whole of our being. Discovering (or rediscovering) the Ineffable for ourselves through an awareness of and deep intimacy with the Silence of this Grand Mystery, through continually coming back to the timeless space of Silent Awareness of what is always there – the space of The Ineffable Mystery of Being.
Meditative Silence and Awareness opens the door to what I experience as a “Supreme Reality.” But it’s not a “place.” The “spiritual path” doesn’t go anywhere. It doesn’t end, but endlessly unfolds, and deepens, and therefore continues as an inner pathless path of openness and direct experience; experiencing the feeling of the Ineffable, the felt sense of the underlying Mystery of Existence – the Breath within the breath –the underlying Rhythm of Life – however that manifests for each of us – until we are re-absorbed into the Ineffable, timeless Great Mystery ItSelf…
“…all the activity (seeking) eventually leads us to a giving up.
And in this surrender what is revealed is seen to be what has always been here
– before the searching began…
The task turns out to be ceding to stillness…
Falling back and resting.
Amidst life itself we find our self sinking back into what is underneath the surface,
recognizing our true fundamental nature…”
In memory of Joan Ruvinsky
who was reabsorbed into the endless
March 21, 2016
Photo: My father’s footsteps in the snow
taken by my father c. 1952/53