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in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Friday, January 11, 2013

A Pause for Momentary Insanity...

What a week!

We have been anticipating that DH would be hired permanently by the company he has been working for as a contract-to-hire for the last year.  Instead, DH was given notice on Tuesday that he will NOT be hired, although there was every indication in December that he would be.  So this came as quite a shock.  It was a moment of insanity – the expectation of a certain outcome and then given another. We had unconsciously become attached to this outcome, *believing* life was going to go a certain way.   Instead we are at the edge of the unknown again…

Word has it that the “Fiscal Cliff” scared the higher up mucky-mucks at corporate.  So they pulled in the reigns on the budget and let go of managers and purged the contract-to-hire people - the reality of the corporate world.  What a landslide we have found ourselves in, scrambling – putting us in survival mode once again.

DH was very philosophical about it, saying that he saw this as an invitation to a new adventure.  That’s just who he is, how he sees life, even though he was riding the wave of anxiety and fear as well.  But this was not the “adventure” I had in mind!  - I reacted.  I was just beginning to relax and breathe again, believing we might actually have some financial security and stability again after many years of living without it. And I was surprised at how quickly I was pulled under by the waves of shock, disbelief, numbness, depression, anxiety and anger…  And I also felt a very deep sadness for DH, who has gone through this so many times in the last 10 years as the economy continues to fail.

The next morning I awoke and felt the grip of fear in my gut, and a deep crushing void in the middle of my chest where my Heart was supposed to be. A heart wounding cry rose from deep within, from a depth I have not known before, as if a death had occurred  - a death of a constructed life that we thought was real - collapsing  - again; the death of the ‘self’ with its idea of the way life should be - collapsing…  Waves of emotion passed through… And I learned how much depth there are to these waves and how easily it is to get caught in their undertow.

And then there was the call to Silence – a deep inner Silence of Being – a collapsing into just Being…  And in that Silence of Being a realization that everything happens to collapse what you have identified with, the deconstruction of self-identifications of who you think you are, the beliefs, the ideas, the opinions, the mental constructs of the way you think  life should be… And the insight came that everything is based on interpretation, how we interpret our circumstances.  The awareness arose that every experience is an opportunity to awaken to That which lives deeply within us – our True Beingness that just IS – beyond the emotions, beyond the pain, beyond the chaos of life’s circumstances, beyond our self-centeredness.   LIFE unfolds on its own terms, not how I wish it to…  So we unfold with it…   How easy it is to forget this…

As I awoke this morning I turned inward to the awareness of that familiar feeling of inner Beingness – the deeper Reality that life takes place *in.*  I slipped out of momentary insanity, out of the ego’s grip, into the awareness of the Greater Reality of Being that is always here – that just IS - that silently lives every experience in every moment.  When I keep turning inward to Beingness, trusting and resting in THIS, I am at peace with what is…


“There is a force which gives you life – seek That.
If you want to find the greatest treasure
don’t look outside,
look inside and seek That…”

Rumi


Photo: Eeyore
Sorry for the graininess
It’s kinda like life is at the moment J



10 comments:

  1. I understand this insanity oh too well! Years of not daring to look at the bank statements,to the nervousness as prices rise, yes perceived security imagined or not brings insanity on. Then we remember to breathe, to trust the force that gives life itself. x

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    1. Thanks Sue :) I'm sure many people can relate to the experience, as it seems to be world-wide now. DH is handling it very well, believes the Universe is providing this opportunity to move on. Riding the waves that are presented to him. And me, remembering to breathe and trust - sanity :)

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  2. I love the Eeyore photo. I take some comfort in the fact that many of us find ourselves in the same boat right now, feeling very unsure of the future from one day/moment to the next. I wonder to myself if there is some reason why we are here, embodied, at this particular time - either to learn some lesson that needs to be learned, come up with some solution that only we can imagine, offer some solace that only we can provide. It is certainly a challenging age. Some days I feel it must hold promise. Other days...not so much.

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  3. :) Eeyore sits on the back of my chair at my shoulder :)

    I think our "present condition" collectively, and personally, has to do with letting go of our attachments/clinging to what causes suffering in our lives - our expectations and attitudes of entitlement - and opening to the clarity of our True Beingness; to clarify what we *really* want from the Heart of Being, not just on a material level. And as you quoted Adyashanti, in your "What Do You Want" post - it's about the "crumbling away of untruth," not in attaining a "happier" self/ego," but "seeing through the facade" to what is really there behind the mask. And, as Adya said, it's a "destructive process" - or a deconstructive process - a deconstructing of all that we *thought* life was about; dissolving all our old identifications and paradigms, and saying Yes to Reality - to what's really Real.

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  4. The Eeyore photo is so sweet. :o) The situation you find yourselves in is not so sweet though... I'm sorry things have turned out this way. I very much admire your husband's outlook. To see it as an invitation to a new adventure... I would like to be at the mouth of a difficult situation with such ammunition in mind! In the days of this sluggish global economy so many, many of us are in the same boat. In Buddhist traditions we are taught not to grip onto hope. And yet I find there are times when hope, promise, grace is what can carry us a little longer. My best to you all there! ((HUGS))

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    1. Thank you Tracy. I appreciate your encouraging words :) Yes, lots of people are in the same boat as you say. And lots of people were laid off with this company's recent purge. It really does reflect the state of the economy all over with corporations down-sizing. And yet other companies are hiring, so we are "hopeful" :) It certainly provides a new opportunity to see life differently, to let go of the filters, to refocus on what's really important - turning inward - and to move in the world without expectations... One day at a time with Grace... :) Heart Hugs...

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  5. Have been living in financial circumstances similar to what you've described here. On a daily basis of being well with what is and grateful for what I have I generally do okay. Other times, it takes all my energy to keep the panic at bay. "Letting go of expectations" is a toughie for me...I sometimes confuse it with letting go of hope. Actually, I am letting go of hope and making some painful decisions to change the course of my life...or is that grasping at hope? I appreciate how you always provide an alternative way to looking at life's scary propositions.

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    1. Me too! It's like an emotional roller coaster ride: being well and grateful one minute, keeping panic at bey another while life as we know it collapses. Letting go of expectations is hard for me too! Just last night I had a rant :) What I write may *sound* simple, but to actually practice it is the daily challenge; learning to live life as it is, as it unfolds *is* very challenging. But it always gives me the opportunity to keep coming back to the deeper Reality of Life or one could say the "bigger picture" beneath all this surface stuff- in sane moments that is :) lol

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  6. Sending you love and light, Christine. . .

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    1. Thank you Chris! Good to hear from you! I know you know how it is... :) Hope you are doing well with your studies...

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