Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of life...

Thursday, June 30, 2011

What Happened to "window sitting..."

Since my announcement in May that “window sitting” had resumed, there’s not been much window sitting. And I miss it. My husband’s new job requires that we get to bed earlier. We were both night owls before his job started, I would often window sit from mid-night to 1am, after he had gone to bed, when the house is completely quiet. Out of necessity we must follow a different pattern now. But the other night I was unable to sleep, and my restlessness was keeping him up. So I came to the window. It was like coming to an old familiar friend, just to sit and listen, just to be there in silence – at 3:44am…

This late night, early morning, window sitting affords me a quiet respite of awareness, just awareness, just noticing the utter stillness – probably why I like coming to the window in the middle of the night.

I notice that in this wondrous Silence that suffuses everything, thinking subsides, becomes background noise, and Awareness takes over – That in us which is Aware – the essential Self - or however you name ‘This” that IS you.

So what is noticed that this Awareness is awareing? The soft sound of dogs barking in the distance, and maybe the yip of a coyote; the sound of a plane overhead; the smell of night; the physical sensation of sitting at a window – seeing; the headlights of a car on the distant road – and I remark to myself – who is out at 3:45am!?

A car stops at a neighbor’s house across the street, a man gets out and walks to their front door. Awareness watches curiously. The man walks back to his car and drives off. I cannot see, but I assume he delivered a newspaper… The event, simply Silence in a lovely ballet of movement.

Another car passes on the street. I had no idea that so many people were up at this time.

This Silence is so *full.* And I don’t mean full of things or activities – but the Silence embodies Fullness. It is Full of ItSelf, expansive and open. It is untouched by extraneous noises. It suffuses me and makes me *aware* of ItSelf – awareness aware of Awareness… It feels like “home.”

I notice that there are other neighbors up as well, lights blaring bright in their houses – have been all night – night owls like me maybe… Not sitting at their windows necessarily, but I wonder what keeps them up – these fellow insomniacs. Do they know the Silence? Do they know Its touch, Its breath, Its movement? Do they know IT is who they are? Do they even want to know? And does it really matter if they don't?

I don’t want to be so preoccupied with the extraneous structures of living that I don’t continuously, intimately experience this Silence, this Stillness that is the foundation of all being, all life – the awareness of which occurs for me at the window. Some call it impersonal Emptiness, Vastness, a Void. But I feel Its Fullness, Its Aliveness, Its Vibrancy, Its Intimacy, especially at the window when I can really listen, really hear it, really feel it.

I need to find a way to continue to come to the window, to experience the depth of Stillness that resonates here in this Heart… Because I’m not just coming to a window, just an object in Awareness – but to the vortex of Reality ItSelf; the Aliveness of Life – that just happens to be experienced at a window – a symbol of an opening. It’s all happening inside anyway – inside the window of my Heart. It could just as easily be my meditation chair, or in a bath tub. *Knowing* this Reality is the passion that enlivens this being – propels this being through existence – what animates this ‘me’ here and now. I can’t help it. It’s what’s in my Heart. I would actually stay up all night if I could, if this body didn’t need to function during the day…

Is this selfish, wanting to steal away to the window, to bask in this wondrous Silence, to want to *know* It, to experience This Silence that we are – that Aware, Awake, Alive space within that enlivens… I can’t imagine *not* wanting to *know* “This.” Is it selfish to want to hear and enjoy the music of this Divine Symphony and dance – like a mad woman dancing, moving breathing in unison with the Divine…? Is it delusional to not want to sleep-walk through life, only focused on what’s in front of my nose every day – not SEEing the Reality that is living this life with wide awake eyes? I think not…

The Silence draws everything into Its loving embrace, enfolding everything, wanting to be recognized – to be known. Once known, once felt, the personal and worldly concerns are seen in context as part of ever unfolding Life; Life expressing ItSelf, Being ItSelf.

Tree branches begin to sway in Its gentle breeze. Life dances in Its own music. Life sings to Its own Silence.

I hear the first bird waking up. It is 4:24 am. Others soon join in. I am up with the birds! They are so happy to be awake, chirping their melodious songs to each other, calling out their morning calls, waking each other up. Life waking up to ItSelf again, except that It’s been awake all night long! I would not have heard this wondrous morning oblation, this ode to Joy, if I hadn’t been awake at the window.

~ ~

There is a wondrous video posted over on 'this unlit light'

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Body Wisdom and Obsession...

After a strenuous week I decided to put the hammock up on Saturday and spend some relaxing time out in the back yard, listening to the birds, the breeze, the highway traffic, the lawn mowers, the dogs barking, and the little water fountain on our back patio. Heh, heh, heh… Oh yeah, sweet swinging relaxation…

I sat my butt in it, noticing that 20 pounds extra makes a difference in agility getting in the thing – feeling more like a small, eldering (my new word for aging :), beached whale floundering around on the sand. I was adjusting myself in it, when I heard this rip sound as all the ropes across the top gave way, and felt myself start to fall. My legs were already in the air, and I had started to sit up, which meant that my lumbar spine took the brunt of the fall – thud. Oh-oh… sH_t!!! Amazing how a short fall can feel like it’s taking forever. And yet I was surprised when I hit the ground with a jolt. It couldn’t have been more than a foot, foot and a half at the most. And it happened so quickly! I landed on dirt with rocks in it – no soft, fluffy grass. “We” :) had set it up near the end of the patio so I could hear the water fountain.

Immediately there was a twinge of fear, as I was born with a form of spina bifida between Lumbar 5, the last lumbar vertebrae, and the Sacrum. That left an opening in the spinal column, leaving the spinal cord vulnerable. In a split second this body could have been paralyzed. Whoa. There’s a fearful thought. But legs were working. I could stand up, walk, no sharp shooting pains, although I knew my spine took the hit pretty hard, so I grabbed the soft ice gel pack out of the freezer and headed for the couch. Who knew that a hammock mishap could potentially ruin your day – maybe even your life. How easily life could have drastically changed in one instant. You know this somewhere inside, that life changes, that it *will*change, no state is permanent, including the physical state, but when you experience first hand the possibility of how quickly life can change, it hits with a sense of shock – and, for me, fear. Oh the joys of being in a body.

And then you see that Who/What “you” are is still being you, “you” are still functioning –or is it that your body is being functioned. You see that “you” are still being animated by that which animates life. The trick is not to *think* you are your body, to not identify yourself as *my* body, to not let your body define you… Although when the body gets hit with a jolt, you tend to focus on *my* body!

Despite this insight, I spent the next 3 days obsessing about “my” spine, as tingling sensations went down both legs – clearly there was identification going on here. I told my-self not to panic – but body-mind didn’t want to listen – and body-mind crescendoed into intense anxiety. I debated whether to go to the doctor, which would mean CT scan and possible referral to a specialist, but didn’t want to make that decision out of fear, knowing that I could set things in motion that I didn’t want to set in motion – causing more anxiety. I wasn’t quite ready to join the medical circus. So I listened to the voice of Intuition, barely able to get through all that mind noise, which said - strong spine, no worries - and decided to give it more time. The spine is better, tingling gone, although still a little sore on a couple of spinous processes. And driving this morning was interesting – eeuu! Spent a couple of stops readjusting the seat in an attempt to adapt to body as is…

And the metaphor here doesn’t escape me either – the lumbar spine being the major supporting part of the spine, and a hammock that didn’t support me…. Gee, do you think maybe I’m not feeling supported!? That conditioned, fearful little me feeling like it has to carry the weight all by itself!? Oh yes – an old victim mind-set. And what about those old vulnerability and trust issues too? Trusting that I am and will be supported; that it is okay to be vulnerable, without getting hurt – more conditioning… I also know that a lot of fear is held in this area of the body from birth, so it was not surprising that fear and anxiety were released when this “fearful” spot received this huge jolt.

So hammock days are over. Not worth the risk. Don’t want to create any more life changes than is necessary. Good grief I’ve had enough of those already! I know – it’s inevitable… Who knew a hammock could be dangerous – or bring such body wisdom!

~ ~

The photo is from 2 years ago

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Finding a Heart...

No, I’m not talking about the Tin Man following the road to Oz, hoping the Wizard would give him a heart. :) Although, after spending a week in the family vortex I thought I might need to find my way there…

I found this heart leaf lying on the kitchen floor in *exactly* this position on Friday afternoon.

I got back from my mother’s around 2pm, found the computer wasn’t connected to the server for some unknown reason, made a couple of phone calls trying to figure that out and couldn’t; put a load of laundry in, and went out to prune a few branches off the ailing River Birch in the front yard. Did another errand around 3pm, and when I came back found this heart leaf on the floor. It was as if I had been left a little gift of love, an enchantment from the “Wizard” Herself – without even looking for it…

How the heart got there I really did not know, until later when I saw the shoes I had been wearing out in the yard. They were caked with dead leaves on their bottoms from walking around in the damp dirt at the base of the Birch tree. Evidently one dropped off in the kitchen – just one – and just this one – the heart one… Whoa…

It really speaks for itself, don’t you think…


Just Love…

You are Loved…

Follow the Heart…

Open to the Heart…

You ARE Love…

Send Love…

BE Love…


“Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man,
that he didn’t already have…”

A line from the song “Tin Man” - by America


May we all *know* that we are Loved,
and that we are LOVE!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Family Vortex - Victims and Vampires

It seems I get right to the edge of losing my self and falling into the spaciousness of the Vortex of Light, about to fully surrender into the vast pool of Love, when “life as it is” calls me back from the edge every time; sucking me back into dreamland again… How does this happen, I continue to ask myself…

In this case, as in most other cases, it’s the requirements of family needs, of an aging mother and a sibling with chronic back problems. Both have legitimate physical disabilities, one with failing memory and cognitive abilities as well. But the emotional dynamics of our family dysfunction feels like a play of Victims and Vampires.

With my own aging process and physical ailments I’m finding it more and more difficult to be of assistance to them without completely draining my own life force energy and physical body of its stamina. And I wonder sometimes *how* am I going to continue to do this – to be available to them on a daily basis - as was the case this week. I know there are many of you out there who are, or who have taken care of aging parents, and disabled family members, and so this may come across as a little whiney as I feel my victim-self arise. She wants to know who will take care of her, who will be there for her when this body gives out. I feel trapped by the family vortex and resentment arises - afraid that I’ll be devoured by the vortex of vampire energies needing me – lost in their vortex forever. Sounds *self*-centered, I know.

I will spare you the details of the current situation, but the family dynamic involves a kind of do things only just in time, and just as needed, where those in need don’t take care of themselves in a timely fashion, but wait for crisis point and hope that somehow “The Universe”/God will “take care of everything” – believing “there is a reason for everything.” This keeps everyone involved on an emotional edge – waiting for something to happen, for someone to rescue, for someone *else* to make a decision and take responsibility.

One of the “victims” in this play feels victimized and angered by life circumstances – feels life is happening *to* them, not seeing that the choices they have made in life have created the issues they now face. Neither do they see the impact that their choices are having on others – how they have actually turned into energy vampires. This “victim” *thinks* they are the center of the universe and everything is supposed to happen *for* them… The Universe evidently is supposed to move solely on their behalf. But that doesn’t happen and they end up trying to control everything, to lessen their fear of powerlessness and helplessness - grabbing a false sense of power wherever they can – usually through anger and control. I know, I’ve been there done that… :) And more often than I like to admit I re-visit that space of resentment, anger and control because of my own fear that I will not get what I need... Another *self*-centered fear...

Another victim in this play can also be “self-sacrificing,” giving in to “the victim,” sacrificing their own needs, taking the brunt of the other victim’s wrath. Unable to enjoy life if someone is in pain or suffering (another role I know well), they feel it is their obligation to suffer with those who suffer, but their “caring” is often a mask for a detached piety, and need to be in control. It amazes me the false sense of power that is wielded in this play!

When I am in the family vortex, I am in the moment with them, but I am just trying to get through that sucking energy. I cannot step out of the vortex. And I wish I could just open that aperture and fall into that pure Light and expanded space of Awareness – but I get lost in the vortex with them - feeling sucked in – oops victim language. But I am not “victim” here, I just haven’t seen all the way through this vortex, and I continue to buy into the story of victim and vampires, getting caught in a self-centered dream…

So that’s my little dream drama this week. Not one I really want to participate in, and yet, here I am – participating… It does however show me where I am still attached to the *self*-centered dream of me… And I realize that living in the dream of me is really only living at the edge of Life, always waiting, waiting to fall off the edge, but never really letting go and fully surrendering to the pull of Light; never really taking the plunge – and be devoured by Love…


We all survived the week and things have settled.
The story has changed, as it always does…


Art: this piece was done when I first started playing with Pastels,
probably sometime in 2005/2006

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Sweet Solstice Light Vortex

I am re-posting this picture because it is my favorite vortex so far. I have been using it as a meditation tool - just sitting with it and seeing what the picture has to offer, what it has to say. And it seemed appropriate as a Solstice Vortex, although I’m posting it a little late in the day, as I was preoccupied with the Family Vortex most of the day. (A future blog post, hopefully later this week.)

So, why is this my favorite vortex so far? Because it reminds me of the Light of Being. Not the light at the end of the tunnel, as the picture might suggest, nor some future light of enlightenment that I hope to attain, but the Light of Being that lies within – here and now; that is accessible here and now. The center circle in the vortex calls to me as this Light ~ the Light of Lights within us all – that we seek for on our “spiritual paths,” and that few actually access experientially – including myself. That is changing – because my life question is no longer “Who am I”, but – what would it actually *feel* like to BE ‘This’ that I am? – this Light, this Knowing Awareness, this movement of Being… After all, the seeking is actually the impulse of Being, to recognize ItSelf, to know ItSelf; calling ItSelf back to ItSelf. And so we follow the homing call…

This particular Vortex speaks to me of experientially going into the Unknown and re-discovering what’s really there – for myself; not taking anyone else’s word for it, but falling in, and following the pull of Self discovering ItSelf - not being constrained by words, form or image. It speaks to me of finding the way of innocence, curiosity and wonderment again. In this way it speaks to me of being playful, allowing myself to be pulled in to a different View of life, a different perspective, a different realm – a realm of imagination and wonder, of Life creating and living ItSelf without agenda.

These vortexes that I create are simply just the movement of Being, with little pre-thought or thinking during the process; without having a vision of what it is supposed to look like. It starts with a spontaneous choice of color(s) and circular and semi-circular motions. I *call* it a “vortex” because that’s how the mind knows it.

The awakened Self within sees only light, movement and color - sees only The Light that It Is – that shines unendingly – beaming out its signal of Love at all times. It is this radiant Light from which “we” arise, but which we often do not *know* - because the stories that we *believe* about ourselves, about life, about what “the path” should look like, and how long it should take to *see* this Light, obscure our view of It, our awareness of It; not the Light Itself…

But at some point the culmination occurs - and voila – we discover that the Light is not hidden at all, but has always been here – just waiting for us to see…


Sweet Solstice Light to you all!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Enfoldment...

In the place of Primal Being,
the darkness and the light are one
enfolded in
the purity of Cosmic Emptiness.
Neither the opposite, or
enemy of the other,
but an expression of
the same Source.
A single breath of
light *and* dark
within Infinite Stillness
in which every concept
of light and dark
dissolves in the


Mystic Meandering
June 2011

Art: “The Vortex of Light and Dark”

This piece has been incubating all week.
In its unfoldment today a face appeared
in the center…

That is the "magic" of creativity,
of working with the oil sticks,
of just getting out of the way
and allowing what emerges
to emerge.

You never know
what will

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

All We Are, we are...

All this week the phrases: "All We Are, we are" and “just be as you are,” have been running through my head. The first phrase is the chorus line of a song by the same name that caught my attention a year ago while at the grocery store. The second is the title of one of Ramana Maharshi’s books (Be As You Are). And after my "Life is Everything" moment in the previous post, I once again became aware that ALL we are, we are. All of who we are is Consciousness expressing ItSelf here. We are the Self – expressed. However you label that: - Beingness, Life, God-Consciousness, the Vastness, Awareness, the Space of Emptiness/Stillness - is living ItSelf *as* us in every moment. You probably heard this theme in my last post. It’s a reoccurring theme that keeps driving itself home here. So I write about it. Interesting phrase – “driving ItSelf home.” :)

We can’t be anything other than what/who we are. We are who we are… All of it – not just the parts we like, but even our hidden parts, the “darker” parts; the depression, the anger, the anxiety, the restlessness, the doubts, the uncertainties, the insecurities, the resistances, and the seeker in us… All of it is the Face of the Self – Being – expressing ItSelf as us – authentically.....Life as it is – me exactly as I am. There is nothing that needs to be changed! Nothing wrong with this expression called “me.” There is nothing that needs to be done away with, practiced into perfection, improved on, polished to make it look shiny and “enlightened.” The “awakening” is the *seeing* that we are all an expression and the experience of Beingness.

The waves of the Ocean rising and falling back into ItSelf are still the Ocean – in movement with ItSelf. We are the ripples on the pond - all ripples being the movement of the pond. Not separate. Not separating out the good and bad waves, as I tend to do – still – *believing* that “enlightenment”/”awakening”/perfection/True Nature is something to attain or achieve somewhere down the road, something to grow into – that IT somehow should *look* different than the way it looks now. In believing this way I “complexify” ("I" loves to make up words:) what is really very simple - the simplicity of simply becoming *aware* of the space of Awareness – aka: True Nature/The Nature of Reality/Buddha Nature/Christ Consciousness - that expresses ItSelf as this “me.” THAT is who “we” are. THAT is who lives this life.

You’ll have to pardon my enthusiasm as I rediscover this for myself. :)

Everything is THAT. I know this, and I forget this. I become aware and then unaware… And so the still small Voice continues to use the ordinary to softly whisper ITs music through my head:

All We Are, we are...

Just BE as you are…


"...the heart of all practices is simply sustaining the
luminous nature of present awareness...."

Dzogchen Master
Jamgon Kongtrul Rinpoche
The Great Perfection


Photo - "The Face of Self"
Shadow of Bamboo leaves
with rainbow reflected on a wall...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Fire of Life Vortex

The sounds of the rustling leaves,
the *feel* of the cooling breeze,
the coos of the Morning Dove,
the chatter of Robins in Love,
the squawk of a Blackbird displeased…

Life is singing!

Even the sound of traffic,
honking horns, and
sirens screaming…

It’s all Life singing…

I just sit with Life,

Life sings:

I *am* THIS
and this,
and this…

Life Sings:

I *am* everything…
being everything…
living everything…

Life is aware,
alive and singing…

Life Sings:

Hear ME
Aware ME
Experience ME
*Remember* ME

the song of Life…
the singing of Aliveness…
the singing of the Heart for ItSelf…

Life *is* everything
and *everything* is this Singing Life…

Nothing is separate from this Life
that sings…

No thing is discounted,
No thing is dismissed
as “illusion”
Every thing is always IT…

Everything is Life!

I am mesmerized by the song of Life
outside the window,
realizing -

Life does not see ItSelf as “duality”
or “non-duality,”
as light or dark…
Life just sees ItSelf ~
Vibrant and Alive and Singing!
Playing, Loving, Living…

Everything is always Life living ItSelf,
expressing ItSelf

I will not be deterred from
*knowing* This -
The Joy of Life Living ItSelf
in everything,
as everything,
as me – *as* I am…

Life delighting in living ItSelf!


Mystic Meandering
June 2011

Art: “Fire of Life Vortex”

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Pull of Light...

The longing of your heart
is there to

It’s the pull of ‘The Beloved’ ~
the Primordial


Follow the pull


Mystic Meandering
June 2011

Art: "Hidden Light Vortex"

Monday, June 6, 2011

Something About Circles...

Painting the Enso in my previous post, and practicing a few others, actually primed the creative pump, let’s say, and I went back to my Cray-Pas oil sticks and started drawing vortexes of color. This is a delightful “practice” - to be spontaneous and just create for the sake of creating and playing with color; playing with the movement of the oil with hands and fingers as they make sweeping circular movements gliding the color on paper to blend it, smooth it. It’s fun to step back and just see what emerges on paper, how it takes form, what it ends up looking like, even though the intention is circular. Some colors glide better than others, and look softer. The darker colors drag more and need to be coaxed into blending and smoothing. But they sometimes also create more “character”, a more textured look. Some look like waves encircling themselves, others like imaginary rabbit holes without end; one feels ethereal, and one appears a little dark and stormy. I was going for metallic silver and dark blue, but it came out gray…

There is something about creating these "circles," these “vortexes,” that pulls me in to a sense of wholeness: the awareness of the vast spacious place of pure play, pure peace, pure openness beyond mind and time – just experiencing the experience. One in particular seemed to spiral on its own as my eyes watched, delightfully absorbed in the vastness – as if falling into the vortex - beyond all conceptions and perceptions of what I was creating and just resting there – held by the movement of Being ItSelf…

I am reading book 5, “making fun of play”, in Miriam Louisa Simons' 9 book series – “empty canvas: wondering mind” that she is offering free at the awakened eye website. Be sure to drop over to see her art and check out her series called “breathscribe”! In this particular book she says to just keep creating, keep playing, keep exploring, “as though there were no importance…..no profound messages or meanings to be communicated…..simply play.” And so I am playing with vortexes – circles of color. (The camera doesn’t necessarily pick them up well). I have found a wonderful place to hang them in my “workspace” from a high shelf, like little prayer flags over my work area – reminding me to keep playing, keep creating, keep expressing That which delights in Expressing – just for the fun of it…


Thursday, June 2, 2011

Bleeding Enso

I was inspired today by Genju’s post over at 108zenbooks on the Enso. So I thought I’d give it a try. (Please see her post for a more complete explanation of the meaning and significance of the Enso.) From my own brief research the Enso is a Zen symbol of completeness, wholeness, infinity, the universe, the absolute, the cyclical nature of existence, and the true nature of existence. It is considered to be a form of meditation showing the expressive movement of the spirit of the person painting at that moment.

I have never done an Enso before, although I have been strangely soothed by viewing them. I saw Genju’s post as an opportunity to play, to be creative, as well as a way to possibly peek into the reflection of where my spirit is at the moment…

The first few I tried, I knew I was “trying” - trying to make the circle complete – trying to get the circle “right” – because I knew how it was “supposed” to look. Mind was trying to control, and they looked “contrived.” It wasn’t until I got to this one – the 5th “try” – that the mind at least partially let go of trying, and the stroke became more expressive of the “spirit” within. I was using a clean make-up brush, watered down acrylic paint, and different kinds of scrap paper that I had. When I got to this one I had switched to a pad of wax coated paper that I used to practice folk art painting on a long time ago – to get the strokes just right before messing up a piece of wood. Always trying to get it “right.” :)

In the Enso pictured here, the original circle was not complete. It started out as a big blob of paint at the top left and ended with hardly a wisp of paint at the end. Then something unexpected happened. I picked up the piece of paper to look at it. The paint literally began to bleed – to run. At first I was a bit panicked: a - this isn’t supposed to be happening - kind of feeling. But I relaxed, became curious and just let it run, turning the paper with the flow. Ah - still trying to control! :) Or – looked at another way - maybe just spontaneously letting life turn the way it does – adjusting and adapting… As the paint flowed a “bridge” appeared between the beginning and the end of the original stroke, and tendrils dripped into the center. I watched mesmerized as redness oozed its way around the circle, and the tendrils just kept going till they ran out of paint. Something inside deeply resonated with it, and I *felt* the reflection of what was expressed in the moment: not quite complete, not finished, not fully "enlightened" – in fact, rather raw and bleeding – life energy running everywhere; even though I keep *trying* to bridge that gap – to keep turning life around so “I” will finally feel complete. Yep – the Enso pretty much sums it up…

I don’t know if this is a” true” Enso, as I get the sense one is not supposed to play with them, or alter them in any way. They are just supposed to be a single brush stroke. But here it is – my “first” (5th) Enso… Something about it fascinates me – being able to peek into the nature of how “spirit” speaks to me, without self-analysis… I like the expressiveness of the movement, watching it unfold, seeing where it all goes – on paper that is. Every day life, not so much… :) The Enso reminds me, however, that even in the midst of the messiness and woundings of life, we are already whole and complete in our true nature. We are embraced just the way we are, even if things are not precise and clean… Wonderfully soothing isn’t it? :)

Thank you Genju for the inspiration and call to creativity!