Welcome...

Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Morning Kiss...

Sometimes I think I feel what the Buddha must have felt when he sat under the Bodhi Tree waiting for “enlightenment” – waiting for the revelation of the Truth of Existence…  I am not a Buddhist (nor a Christian) and do not claim to know the full Truth, nor what the Buddha felt, or interpret the meaning of his “experience” under the tree.  But what I have read is that he was determined to wait for the Truth to be revealed, to wait as long as he needed, to know the Truth.  He did not evidently question whether he could know the Truth or not, he waited for it.

Recently I have experienced a deep longing again for the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth.  Sometimes that translates into a longing for “God” – not a religious image of “God” – more a felt sense of a much vaster, enveloping spacious Cosmic Awareness – which for me is the same as Truth/God.  Sometimes I call it a longing for “God.”, or “waiting on God.”  Ultimately I am longing and waiting for Truth to be revealed, no matter what the vehicle or label.   It is what I have wanted since childhood – a direct revelation of “God”/Truth, which often seems veiled to me – although there have been many “awakenings.”

Every morning I go to my chair by the window and sit in meditative Silence – Listening inwardly… Waiting… Nothing else matters to me.  Everything else is distraction.  It’s as if I am waiting for the “Truth/God” to come Home IN me…  Non-dualists would argue that there is no “me” to wait – which may ultimately be true.   But there is a “mechanism” here that functions as “me.”   And I am tired of those arguments.  I don’t care about playing word games.  I just want the pure Truth.  And it doesn’t seem to matter how many “awakenings” I’ve already had, or how many times IT has revealed ItSelf – there is still longing.

The truth of the matter is J – I do miss “God”! – not a theistic or deistic separate “God”, but more a personal sense of “God” - as Friend, like Rumi and Shams, sitting with each other in intimate Silence. This probably doesn't make any sense to the reader, and I cannot truly explain this “missing” – this “longing.”  In the midst of the longing there is a sense of “The Sacred.”  No matter how I try to mentalize it with contemporary “non-duality” teachings, telling myself that there is no “me” to miss “God” – there is a longing for the Divine.  So where does this come from?  I can “spiritualize” it and say it is the Divine in me longing for ItSelf.  I have said this many times.  But is that true, or just another non-dualism – something to asuage the angst of longing.

It is interesting to me as well that this occurs at what feels like a very “sacred” time of year.  Not because it’s Christmas, or because of Jesus, but there is something palpable in me that starts at Halloween, continues into November, gets particularly stronger near the Winter Solstice – and wanes at Christmas.  It’s as if a “cosmic birthing” – an “awakening” of Consciousness - is taking place within myself – through the longing.  After all isn’t that the theme of season – a rebirth of the Light in form; the awakening of Consciousness within?  I become more acutely aware of what I can only call a “Divine Flow” pulsing within.   There are moments of a felt sense of internal “communion” - of peace and contentment.   And with that comes a deep sense of awe and Gratitude…   Is this the illusive “enlightenment” I’ve been waiting for?  I don’t know…  (And yes, I mean "illusive." :)

So, what to do with this longing…except allow the longing – surrender into it – be true to the longing of the Heart,  let it lead, and feel it all the way through to the Truth.


The Morning Kiss

I am kissed every morning;
a gentle kiss from behind a cloudy veil…

I long for the veil to lift;
to fully awaken to
”the Beloved”
in ITs Brilliance…

I am tired of *trying* to “know”
*trying* to “see”;
chasing misty shadows
of
the Real.

Yet “IT”
calls to me from
behind a veil of mystery.


When my trying and chasing stops,
the veil opens.


Silence comes
– and I wait…

”The Beloved” reveals ItSelf
in
Divine Intimacy
in
Total Awareness

A love affair with
Grace and Love

A Mysterious Embrace

The Morning Kiss…



Mystic Meandering
Dec. 17, 2014



Thursday, December 25, 2014

Cosmic Birthing...

Drink the word of Wisdom,
for it has become a veiled light
so that you may become able
to receive the unveiled Light,
to behold without veils
that which is now hidden…

Taste the filtered light
and work your way toward wisdom
with no personal covering.

And traverse the sky like a star,
that you may journey unconditioned…

Thus you came into being from non-existence…

...like a star without a name…

Move across the night sky
with those anonymous lights…


Rumi

taken from two different translations:
Reynold A. Nicholson
The Mathnawi of Jalalu’ddin Rumi
and
Coleman Barks
Mathnawi III




The surface of the earth
is the shore of the cosmic ocean.

Some part of our being knows this is where
we came from.

We long to return, and we can
because the cosmos
is also within us.

We are made of star stuff.

Carl Sagan
Cosmos




Those vast (stars) that you see
far off, far off, far off
with telescopes…

One day you’re going to wake up
and say:
”Why, that is me!”

You are the Eternal

Alan Watts

~

Please see this wonderful post
Sparkling Awareness
by Fred LaMotte


~

Photos: taken out the window
at 3am with flash,
creating these interesting affects




Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Cosmic Breath...

Rest in the breath of the Cosmos…
Ride the waves of an invisible
Aurora Borealis
dancing through space,
to the edge of Infinity…

…if there is an edge…

Have you ever wandered there?
Do you know?

Marvel in awe at the light of a gaseous nebula,
interstellar luminous dust
coagulating into form,
emanating its
brilliance
in

d
e
e
p

s p a c e


…the birth of a star?


Pause at the portal of a
swirling black hole.
A vortex
of nothingness
between parallel
realities?
Or ~
maybe a
door
into
the
still
point
of

I

N

F

I

N

I

T

Y


Have you ever looked through?
Do you dare…

Have you seen into “The Beyond”…


Have you felt the hush
floating in a field of stars?
Have you heard the
 Cosmic Silence
that carries you
deeper
into
”The Mystery”
and knew
you
were
That?

The Mystery of Existence…

Do you want to know?



Rest in the Cosmic Breath

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wander the starry fields

* * *
* * * *
* *
*


Mystic Meandering
Dec. 7, 2014
2am



~*~

Photo - South Pole Aurora Borealis



Thursday, November 13, 2014

The Eternal Story...


Everything is Eternal Being, Eternal Consciousness, Eternal Awareness that just IS.  Plug in whatever word works for you.  “IT” is ubiquitous = everywhere at the same time, aware of everything that is occurring all at once.

The mind really can’t fathom this, so it creates words, stories, and images, like “God”, which personifies (person-ifies) what cannot be person-ified, to try to explain what cannot be explained – including words like Beingness, Consciousness, and Awareness… :)

There is just the Pure Space of Awareness – everywhere!  It is an alive Space appearing “empty” – like the sky, or space itself.  Yet, everything is suspended in this Space, as if by “magic.”  Everything is “held” in that Space of Emptiness, exists in that Space – including you and I…  A mystery.

The “trick” is to see from the perspective of this Eternal Space, from the Space of Infinite Beingness, rather than from the place of “Earth mind” that only sees the “Earth mind” as real; does not see the bigger picture of being suspended in this Space, but only thinks its immediate reality is real – when in fact it is only part of a much larger Reality that lives and breathes this reality into existence.

How would life change if we started to see our lives in this way, from the perspective of Eternal Awareness – Ubiquitous Awareness – Omniscient Awareness…  From this place of Space…  What would happen if we started viewing each other from this perspective?  Something I fail at miserably...

This is the dis-entanglement from the matrix of our personal life dramas – to see all of it differently – to see the Eternal Infiniteness of all things.

We are being breathed by this Space of Infinite Awareness, by the Cosmic “Spirit” – if you will.  I feel IT when sitting in the space of Silence – the Still Point - being Aware.  This is intimacy with Eternal Being – this sense of intimate connection through the breath of Silence.  It runs through the whole body, is in every cell: the energy of Eternal Being…

This is what we abide in already and don’t even realize it.  It is a natural abidance in this Space of Eternal Beingness.  We abide in the Infinite naturally.  We are just not always aware of it, don’t have a felt sense of it… And so we constantly look for/seek what we call “God” or “The Divine” when it is already what is always right here as Pure Spacious Awareness; is what we breath, and breathes us, is what bathes the cells, and permeates “our” world.  This Divine Energy of life continues on after death, but we focus on the physicality and not the “spirit energy”, that sustains and animates the body – that which never dies.  We only see personalities and not the Beingness of the person.  I know this is true for me.  But if we really look, what is really there…

We try to wrap our minds around the concepts of “God” or “The Divine”, “Emptiness”, “The Infinite”, etc., but the mind cannot really fathom what that really is…  We must let go of our thoughts about “God”/Awareness/Consciousness, and just experience being suspended in “IT.”

It seems so esoteric and yet we can feel the realness of it – experientially, through awareness, direct awareness, direct experience when we don’t overlay it with the minds images – imposing labels, names, stories and images on it, which only hides the Truth of It - deceives us and deludes us – because we believe the mind’s version. 

Everything is ultimately a story – my life is a story, your life is a story.  In reality the “eternal story” is about "returning" to/recognizing who we really are underneath the personal story – our Eternal Beingness.  Ultimately it is the Eternal Story being lived here.  If I don’t see myself as a separate person from Eternal Beingness: a separate person having a personal life, then I can feel this Infinite Space coursing through my body – and know that THAT is the Truth of who I am.  That frees me from all entanglements and dramas that have been created by the story of “me” that I have believed in my mind…

My journal notes
Nov. 11, 2014

"Every thread of us is a vibration of God-Consciousness,
resonating at a frequency beyond light."
Fred LaMotte


Alan Watts YouTube Link:
http://youtu.be/5FELdBsixGg


Please see these other wonderful related posts:

Fred LaMotte


Non-identification
Jack Kornfield


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Empty Cups...

Experiencing spiritual confusion recently, I asked for guidance.  “Spirit” pointed me to “Emptiness.”  The word E-m-p-t-i-n-e-s-s floated through my awareness like a whisper, as if gently calling me to listen, to “see”, to touch, and to experience IT – this “Emptiness.”  I was drawn in to the *space* of Divine Emptiness within.

Amazingly I found articles and posts on Emptiness, on Consciousness, and on Awareness (which many consider one and the same).   Then I spontaneously posted the post about Cups in the Ocean, finding the poems by Rumi once again. And my post on SteppingInto The Stream is in many ways about discovering that wondrous space of Emptiness through letting go.  While decluttering the book cases a couple of weekends ago I re-discovered Adyashanti’s book, Emptiness Dancing, which I have just started re-reading.  And then Fred LaMotte posted this lovely piece recently on the Fullness of Emptiness…  Obviously there was something I was supposed to see about “Emptiness…”

When the word and internal *feeling* of Emptiness first wafted through, it was so powerful that I started taking empty cups from my cupboard and setting them out on their sides in places where I knew I would see them, as reminders of this wondrous sense of Emptiness - our original Nature; the Formlessness within Form analogy.


I experienced this Emptiness as endless spacious openness, unconfined, not having a bottom like a cup, but somehow the symbolism of the empty cup spoke to me, allowing me to recognize the Emptiness as our original Eternal Nature – the still-point of Consciousness ItSelf.   What we *think* we are - this ego, this personality, this identity, this mind, this thought, this emotion, this body, are basically empty forms, filled with Emptiness (Formless Awareness/Consciousness).  It is not the same gutted emptiness that one feels after loss, or trauma. Not “emptiness” in the sense of being a void, devoid of life, but a dynamic, yet subtle vibration of Aliveness, aware, knowing Emptiness that is viscerally felt as an alive, peaceful FULLness . 


When I would turn my awareness inward to this space of Emptiness I felt a profound quietness, a deep presence of Being, a re-orientation of my perspective.  But I also had the sense that through this re-orienting “I” was being “emptied out,” of my orientation to my habituated patterns of mental conditioning as a way of living, the conditioned mental frameworks, as well as deeply buried emotional issues that continue to run deep and rise often, along with the ego-centered way of seeing the world that wants to hang on.  It is like being emptied of all that is not Essential, which of course creates upheaval, and can and has sent me into anxiety and bouts of depression recently.  The ego becomes so emotionally attached to its ideas and beliefs of the way our life should happen, that it resists letting go.  In this process, however, I got the image that the “me” that I *think* I am, that I have become attached to, is an empty cup in the vast Ocean of Pure Consciousness – being dissolved into that Ocean, so that I may remember that *essentially* I am the Ocean. 


In some ways this does leave a kind of gutted feeling because the ego-self resists this emptying, as the orientation *begins* to shift from the “me/ego-self” to our Essential Nature - before the sense of a separate “me.”   The familiar identity known as Christine is being emptied out – present tense – ongoing – little by little - through a process of awareness and surrender – through continually bringing my awareness to this space of Emptiness, *feeling* it, the true Emptiness; seeing that these “ego forms” that we believe we are, are really just empty cups filled with this wondrous space of Aware Consciousness, or Emptiness, unattached to ego, or mind, or thought, or feeling – just the conscious Isness of Being.


How interesting the many varied ways in which we are each shown the wondrous mystery of our True Nature…  Shown that the process of “awakening” to the Truth of our Existence is ever-unfolding, each in our own way…

As a result, I realized recently that I no longer *know* what I *thought* I knew, as my perceptions of Truth have evolved.  In this space of Divine Emptiness what I *thought* was important to say, isn’t, because there is really nothing left to say…



Namaste…


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Let Go and LIVE...

Let go

Let it all go:
Hope for the future.
Regret for the past.
Expectations for the present.

LIVE

Embraced in the space of
 Divine Emptiness,
resting at the still-point

with no conceptual framework for your life.
No scaffolding of thought or plan
to hold “you” together…

Dissolve in the great Ocean
 of your Infinite Beingness…

LIVE

without requiring life to be different,
without wanting to change what is
to suit you…

LIVE

Surrendered and emptied out
of the way your conditioned mind
 tells you that life must be…

Let go of your attachment to
 your inexhaustible patterns of fear
that keep you safe, but confined…

Let go
 into the Living Stream
that already carries you…


LIVE



Mystic Meandering

June 2014



Thursday, June 19, 2014

Stepping Into The Stream...

About a month or so ago the phrase “stepping into the stream” came to me, and the question – what if I just stepped into the middle of the stream and let go – figuratively speaking.  The insight that came with this was that it meant letting go of the shore of course, not just the one side, but *both* sides.  And that it was not about going from one shore to the other, not about crossing the river/stream, but about letting go of both sides and just being *in* the stream – the Cosmic Stream of Pure Consciousness, the stream of Eternal Beingness – allowing the internal flow of that to take me. I began to understand that what was required was a total immersion in “Divine Consciousness” – a total surrender; a total bowing – not my will but thine kind of bowing.

The letting go was about loosening my grip on *my* hold on life, my take on life, if you will - letting go of holding on to the physical world, the mental constructs of what *seems* to be true that keeps me holding on to the edges.  Buddhists would call it letting go of the attachments we hold onto, the identities, the roles, the beliefs that we have taken on and are attached to – that we *think* gives us a sense of security, stability, permanence, even “spirituality” – but that really keeps us holding on to the edges of the true Living Stream of Divine Consciousness.

In metaphorically “stepping” into this Stream, which is another way of saying becoming more deeply *aware* of what is really Aware within us, becoming conscious of the vast Consciousness that we are, we have to let go of our *identification* with our small self dramas - allowing the Cosmic Stream of Consciousness to take us, absorb us into ItSelf.  By consciously “stepping” into this Stream, turning my awareness towards the Infinite, I am saying that I am willing to let go of my attachments.  I am willing to surrender who I *think* I am to the seamless Divine Flow, trusting that as I step more deeply into the River/Stream, it will dissolve all my ideas and illusions about being a separate self from the Ocean of Consciousness that I/we actually am/are.  This will continue to be the step for me, to knowingly step into this Current and *trust* the River – the Divine Stream of Life – The Mystery of Divine Consciousness, and move in ITs Way more fully.

It’s a lot easier writing *about* this than actually stepping into the Stream and letting go – letting myself just rest in the silent awareness of the vast field of Consciousness that we truly are, which is not affected by our thoughts, feelings, emotions, ambitions, or life circumstances that are happening to us personally – or in the world for that matter.  Ultimately, everything is allowed and everything collapses back into the silent stillpoint of vast Consciousness – while IT remains undisturbed.  But we need to experience this for ourselves, to consciously *feel* what it’s like to step into the Stream of this vastness of awake, knowing Awareness within – the living Consciousness – and see where it goes.  It’s a continuous, ongoing step taken moment to moment…




Photo: Sunrise on Merrymeeting Lake, NH

Taken by my brother 2009



Monday, June 16, 2014

Enlightenment Is ~ ?

“’I’ am not enlightened.
Nor am ‘I’ unenlightened.
Neither label could ever apply to what ‘I’ Am.

The true guru is everywhere.
The true ashram is the Heart.
The true satsang is every moment.

Know yourself as unlimited awareness/consciousness
and let the little ego dance its dance;
and be free wherever you are…

The Light is on.”

Jeff  Foster




“Enlightenment means waking up to what you truly are;
awakening from the dream of separateness
[from what you truly are].

You are the divine emptiness,
the inifinite nothing.”


Adyashanti
Emptiness Dancing



“It’s all just Consciousness playing Itself out in form.
Enlightenment is turning the switch on and
seeing
that which is already there…

There is only Primordial Presence manifesting,
Consciousness manifesting ItSelf as form -
waiting for you to recognize the Consciousness
that you are…"



Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings
2004-2006






"Ultimately, enlightenment is
awakening to the Stillness in everything -
the still Presence in everything...


No longer seeking for answers - just BEing
Resting in the stillness of Primordial Awareness
Being the Stillness that you ARE..."


Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings
2004-2006



Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Cups In The Ocean - Rumi and Mayer


“These forms we seem to be
are cups floating in an ocean
of living consciousness.

They fill and sink without leaving
an arc of bubbles,
or any good-bye spray.

What we are is that ocean,
too near to see,
though we swim in it
and drink it in…"


”Pour your cup into your
deep ocean-self -
[become aware]
of the vast awareness
and the surge
that carries you along.”

Rumi

I have blended excerpts from two poems
Cup and Ocean, and Cup



In the following video Peter Mayer sings of the vastness of the Soul.
For those who don’t believe in the concept of a “soul”
you can substitute words like Spirit, or True Nature, or Being
and just enjoy this musical wave on the Ocean.
J


If the video doesn’t play please leave me a comment to let me know.
Thank you…





Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Way of Rest - Jeff Foster


"Oh, sweet little boy, beloved little girl,
 you are so overwhelmed by life,
 I know,
 by the enormity of it all,
 by the vastness of possibilities,
 by the myriad perspectives available to you.

 You feel so pressed down sometimes,
 by all the unresolved questions,
 by all the information
 you are supposed to process and hold,
 by the urgency of things.

 You are overcome by powerful emotions,
 trying to control,
 or at least influence,
 everything and everyone around you,
 trying to hold yourself together,
 trying to make it all ‘work out’ somehow,
 trying to get everything done ‘on time’,
 trying to resolve things so fast,
 even trying not to try at all.

You are exhausted, sweet one,
 exhausted from all the trying
 and the not trying,
 and you are struggling to trust life again.
 It’s all too much for the poor organism, isn’t it.
 You are exhausted, you long to rest.
 And that is not a failing of yours,
 nor a horrible mistake,
 but something wonderful to embrace!

 For the exhaustion is pure intelligence,
 and it says, let go, let go! Stop trying so hard!

Stop pushing for answers right now.
 Allow everything to rest right now.
 Take a sacred pause.


 Allow questions to remain unanswered, for now.
 Allow space for yourself to breathe today.
 Allow everything to fall out of control today.
 Allow yourself to not be able to hold it all up today.
 Allow yourself to not know how, to not know at all.
 Allow the heart to break, if it needs to,
 and the body to ache, and the soul to wake.

 Everything is so okay, when you get down to it.

And know you are loved, little one.
 Know you have always been loved,
 long before you were named,
 long before you were even born,
long before overwhelm came to show you the way."


~ ~ ~


Photo: Dry leaves on paper and table
color inverted…



Thursday, May 22, 2014

Thrive in Sacred Silence...

The Sacred Silence of the night calls to me in the hours between 12mn and 1am – when the noise of life has settled.  It beckons me to the window to sit – in a kind of mystical communion with “the Divine” *through* the open window – a metaphorical opening to a larger Reality – that brings awareness of a larger Reality and shifts my paradigm while breathing in unison with the Breath of Life that breathes me - *aware* of a Sacred Presence.

My *Being* craves this Sacred Silence, as if craving ItSelf.  It is the same Sacred Silence that is within all things; the deep Rhythm of Silence that permeates all life.  And so I sit at the open window allowing myself to be breathed, to be touched by Silence, to be known by Silence…  The air is still – no sounds – no breeze – so quiet, only the smells of the night.  But the earth is not sleeping, it is alive with Sacred Silence!

In my experience there are “layers” of Silence that blend and merge (for lack of better words to describe what I experience).  Sacred Silence is not the same as being silent, or still, or the silence of doing quiet things that quiets the mind into stillness, even though these can become portals to a deeper awareness of Sacred Silence. Time in silence or stillness everyday without agenda is very therapeutic, clearing the mind and energy field.  But there is a deeper layer, a deeper space of Silence that brings awareness of the Sacred, and a direct experience of the Rhythm of that Silence that fills us, that feeds us, that nourishes one’s Being – and - is recognized *as* one’s very Being – one’s Divine Nature…

The Sacred Silence is my sanctuary, my sabbatical, and my sanity - the place where I lose my sense of self/me – my persona, my roles, my self-identities, my mind meanderings - and become truly Aware of what is really occupying this space called “me.”  I *need* this deep Sacred Silence to *thrive.*  In the deep Silence I can *hear* the silent voice of the Cosmos whispering in the night - instead of the “noise” of the requirements of daily life driving me…  At the window the veil opens to reveal a communion with The Sacred that is already taking place…  All I need do is show up – and surrender into “The Silence…”




Monday, May 19, 2014

Divine Immersion...


“Perhaps today is not a day for answers
 and unshakable certainties.
It is a day for bird song and staying close to the questions
as thy walk us down familiar paths
on Spring mornings.”

Jeff Foster



This morning after rising I went out to leave a pie pan of birdseed for the Mourning Doves (and squirrels) who could not feed from the Finch feeder, but ate the sparse seed droppings on the ground.  The Doves cooed their familiar song in the branches above, waiting for me to bring the plate. 


I noticed a lovely shadow of a dragonfly garden ornament on the mottled grey patio and went back in to get my camera.



The morning air was gentle, quiet and soothing, an early Summer smell on the breeze drew me on to the scraggly, yet to be finished back garden across the yard…



I stood silently in the garden, aware that I was immersed in a kind of sanctity of Divine Silence.  The day noise had already begun: the highway traffic, several airplanes, and the noises of daily living: dogs, birds, voices, lawn mowers, construction noise in the distance…  A small Monarch butterfly flitted in, catching my awareness, alighting briefly, and then flitted away just as quickly, seemingly unaffected by the noises of life – immersed in the Divineness of its own Being.  Such delight I can only imagine – being immersed in one’s own Divine Being…

There is so much to be done this time of year that it sometimes drives me through my days.  I always feel like I’m trying to keep up with life! – as it is being lived…  But I don’t want to be a slave to life’s “doings”!  I’d rather stop the doings - and enjoy Life – the Divine Beingness of Life ItSelf – unaffected by the noises of life’s requirements.  I want to be “driven” by/immersed in the Divine Being that I am, allowing Inspiration to drive my day.  So everything went on hold – for today anyway - except for experiencing the Divine Rhythm of LIFE!


~ Divine Immersion ~





Thursday, May 15, 2014

Journey of Discovery...

"Discovery is a place that doesn’t know,
doesn’t evaluate,
and is willing to see what is.

Discovery sees beyond conflict
to an open realm of possibilities.

Discovery enables us to let go
of the filters of our past
and the blinders
of our expectations.

Discovery perceives
no right or wrong.
only inquiry
and
creativity.

Discovery turns
frustration
into
fascination
and work
into
play."

Thomas Crum
The Magic of Conflict





"Your soul knows the geography of your destiny…
It will take you where you need to go,
but more important
it will teach you a
kindness of rhythm
in your journey.”

John O’Donohue





"It is a journey towards simplicity,
towards quietness,
towards a kind of joy
that is not in time.
It’s a journey that
takes us from primary
identification
with body and psyche [mind],
to an identification with God,
and ultimately beyond
any identification."


Ram Dass


Thursday, May 8, 2014

On The Exit Ramp...

B took an unexpected trip to see his nearly 91 year old mother last weekend at the Care Facility in New Mexico, near her daughter, where she has been now for more than a year.  She is what he calls – “on the exit ramp.”  She is not “dying” at this moment in time – although we weren’t sure, as she had recently been hospitalized, the body possibly shutting down, and we thought this might have been it.   Still, she is clearly on the exit ramp of life.   She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s several years ago.  She still recognizes her son, and remembered who I was, even though I was not there on this trip.  But there was no enthusiasm in the recognition as in previous visits this past year… 

The first day he just sat with her at her bedside for hours as she slept.  The staff would get her up to eat her meals in the dining hall – via wheelchair, but she kept her eyes closed – not engaging.  There is no emotional expression anymore, except a look of confusion or worry.  She appeared to be on automatic, as if blank, withdrawn into herself.  Sometimes there were glimmers of understanding, sometimes not…  And yet, she seems to be *aware* at some level.  She cannot hear, has a Cochlear implant – which helps, but not completely.  She would occasionally open her eyes to see if he was still there – but was otherwise unresponsive – less engaged; although, she has learned some simple sign language with a couple of members of the staff, and seems to respond to them, which was surprising…

And we wonder, has she truly reached the end of her life, or does she have many more years living like this… Of course nobody really knows…

In one of B’s communiqu├ęs to me, in response to my question about how he was feeling about all this, he wrote:

Acceptance of her present place and behavior on the exit ramp.

Yes, of course, acceptance of where she is, and whatever behavior she is displaying on the exit ramp, without trying to *make* her respond, or converse, or be what *he* wants her to be.  And so he sat, quietly, in her wheelchair next to the bed, just being present, silently reading his Kindle as she slept…  The only question she asked: Are you going to be here?  We think she meant, when she woke up.  Maybe this is why he wanted to go alone.   So he could fully *be* there, be fully present, without distraction…

On the second day she was roaming the halls in her wheelchair when he arrived. He was quickly in tow, following behind as she walked the wheelchair, until she was ready to go back to bed.  In the photo below she is taking a break and seems to have fallen asleep again… Yet, we aren’t sure if she is truly sleeping, or just turning inward – disengaging from the world…  “But where does she go?” – my sister-in-law asked…


B continues to amaze me with his wisdom in this situation.  I don’t know why it amazes me, it just does.  Perhaps because it’s usually what *I* need to hear.  He reminded me through this visit with his mother that it is about learning to see how life plays itself out from the perspective of the Eternal Being that we are – that embodies the body; that is non-reactive to, and non-judgmental of what is happening, but is just Aware…  And this is the key, to always return to this internal space of *Awareness* of the Eternal Being that we all are.  That no matter what life dramas/events we are entwined in/with, we can return to that place of Silent Awareness within.  Our Eternal Being accepts every situation and others with a sense of openness and curiosity, with a sense of compassion, with no need to “fix” it/them – *allowing* everything.  I know this is true…  I just need reminders…  And it doesn’t mean that one doesn’t *feel* anything about what is happening either.  Even the feelings are allowed to play themselves out.  I learn so much when I actually *listen* to him. J  When I’m on the “exit ramp” I want him sitting by my side to usher me across the threshold…  But of course, we’re all already on the “exit ramp” aren’t we… J - some just further along than others…