Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of life...

Friday, December 31, 2010

On the Threshold...

Coming to the “end” of another cycle of time, another wrinkle in timelessness, I am feeling like I’m on the threshold – of what I don’t know – just that feeling of “something” intangible, unknowable, where everything stops for a moment in time – the still-point – before allowing “me” to move, to take the next step more deeply into the “Mystery” - however we all know that to be for ourselves…

This year has certainly provided many opportunities for looking more deeply into my heart and mind, and all the baggage that has been packed away there. And more opportunities to see the thread of Awareness that runs through them, that I must admit I did not always *see* - but instead got caught up in the waves and stories of life as they crashed through my nicely erected walls, trying to break through the veils of illusions that confined me.

There were many things that knocked on this door this year that were not welcome visitors, but ones which I had to let in anyway and offer them my time and attention as they each offered me an invitation to open to The Heart more and more. I can’t say I was successful in the least, but cracks opened in the walls allowing more light to get in. Isn’t that how the light gets in, through the cracks and crevices that life events tend to leave behind? Or so Leonard Cohen says.

Everyone in my family experienced life changing events this year - little cracks in their walls. It started with my brother nearly being killed in a skiing accident in February. Then just 2 and ½ weeks later in March, my sister broke her back as she jumped off her second story balcony to escape domestic violence. She is nearly fully recovered by the way, physically and emotionally, and is now living with my mother, hoping to find employment in January. My mother underwent two eye surgeries this year - leaving this strong willed woman dependent, requiring my presence nearly 24/7 until my sister moved in. These life events challenged me in ways I never expected physically, emotionally and spiritually. My old issues of being the rescuer, and feeling responsible for caretaking everything and everyone emerged for a look-see. Many freeing opportunities there.

And last, but not least, my husband’s consulting, web development, videography and video editing businesses were unable to keep us afloat and the ship sank leaving us bankrupt. Now that was a crack I could have done without. I thought those cracks were supposed to let light in, not water! But there it was, life as it is – sinking, cracks opening wider and wider – the light, or should I say, the waters gushing through the crevices. And all I could do was let go of all my ideas of how life was supposed to turn out. I’m still learning to live life as it is… This is a harder opening…

And then there were the softer openings that opened this heart to more Light: the “Window Sitting” and all the wonderful insights that came through the Window. Yeay! I can hardly wait for Spring to come so I can get back to the Window. And of course, “The Cave” for the winter months – where I am learning to meet the deeper, darker spaces, like fear, anger, and uncertainty. And where I’m also deepening into Silence, Stillness, the Light of Awareness, and the Heart of the Cosmos - some nights better than others at this point. And, best of all, getting to know new blogger friends sharing this Path – or no-path as the case may be – as we follow the Stream of Life, in whatever ways we do…

I am especially grateful for my blogger friends. You have inspired me with your blog posts and comments! Sanity in a sea of insanity. Reminders in moments of unconsciousness. Inspirations that lifted me and allowed me to *see.* Wonderful Heart Openers you all are, and I am so grateful for your Presence! I know many of you have also faced some really deep challenges this year as well, surfing the waves of life. I admire each of you for your courage and openness to the way things are, in the face of the unexpected directions life tends to take… You have been the invitation to open this heart to do the same.

And just a note on the picture here. :) I decided to post the picture of the mouse in the maze again (from the Freedom post) because it reminds me of the way life feels sometimes, like an endless maze. We try to find a way out, to find that one opening that will set us free and end our suffering. But sometimes instead of following the well-worn pathways that go nowhere, we have to lift our heads up and look over our self-created walls, and see that what we wanted (The Big Cheese, Enlightenment, The End of Suffering, Awareness, Love, Freedom, Life) is already right there, just waiting for us to notice – even if it doesn’t look the way we expected it to. I’m still learning this one!

Heart Hugs to you all!


Monday, December 27, 2010

Here I "go" again...

Here I “go” again – or maybe not. :)

I originally posted this picture on the “In Transition” post, and since I’m still kinda in that space and I liked the picture, I thought I’d post the picture again as I meander on my way here.

I’ve been in a kind of mental/emotional fog for the last week or so, bumping into things in the dark – like anger, and sadness, and grief… Not the usual holiday fare. I am also acutely aware that I need to deeply attend to the Silence of Being within; to that “Pull” that I keep experiencing. Yet the holidays do not lend themselves to retreats of contemplative Silence – at least not in this family monastery… This creates a kind of discombobulated feeling in this mind and body, as well as the strong need to find the Silent inner Rhythm and just retreat, as life as it is at this time of year requires an external flow that feels contrary to my Nature.

I also find it ironic that no matter how much of my ‘self’ I have given through out the year, in small and not so small ways, in subtle and emotional unnoticeable ways, the holiday gift giving of *things* seems to be what matters most. It becomes the measuring stick of how much we love and care for our loved ones, an “exchange” of this fuzzy, nebulous thing called “love”… So if we are “exchanging” this commodity in a transactional way is that really “giving”? Strange custom that our inherent nature for “giving” is dictated by a date on a calendar and the giving of *things*, as a culmination of all that has *already* been given in the months before in more practical ways. What’s up with that? Is what I do all year long not a *symbol* of my love and giving nature as well? But pardon me, I digress… ech-hem…

So now that the hub-bub of the holidays is over I can breath again… No more expectations, obligations or wish lists to fulfill, no comparing, no out-doing, no one-ups-man power play giving, no family baggage. Just following the Stream of Being – as IT wants to Flow - which right now appears to be - no-where. Ahhhh – sweet no-where, no-thing…

Just before the Solstice I started experiencing a “still-point” – a coming to a halt inwardly. It felt like a turning point within, interestingly coinciding with the turning of the season. It was the sense of collapsing into zero-point, the silent, still Awareness drawing me to its core, like a great cosmic tide emptying me out into Silence. I found here a deeper space of not-knowing than I was in before, a space of “waiting” - for the breath to be breathed; the in-between space. The place of not being defined by anything, of not having a framework of interpretation, or reference point to measure life, or myself by. And I kinda like it actually. Just the open space of the hum of Silent Awareness… The hum of Being Alive… But the fog rolled in...

I want to *live* this luscious Silent Aliveness unendingly as a way of life – not moments of meditation in “The Cave”… In this space there is no mental confusion about which direction to take, or where I “should” be going. All one can do here is – stand still – and listen; not focusing on direction, results, outcomes, achieving, acquiring – or the measure of gifting. It’s just about being still – at the still-point of Being – living from the still-point of Life – the Stream of Being. Listening to what this deep Silence of Being has to say and where IT wants to go…

In the fog this morning, waiting for clarity to return, waiting to *feel* this hum of Silent Aliveness of Life within again, I happened to read a blog post that was about a young Japanese poet girl who decided to become a Buddhist Nun. It said that she became a Buddhist Nun, “not in order to renounce the world, but out of a desire to teach her heart to be like the clear water which flows night and day.” That’s it! (No, I’m not running off to the nunnery.) It was the inspiration, the in-breath of clarity that was needed to clear the fog. And you never know where it’s going to come from. It made my Heart sing. Yes, that’s it - learning the ways of Silence. *Living* in such a way that this Silence of the Heart, these clear Waters, can flow day and night – consciously. A song in my Heart has been rekindled… Now we shall see where that goes… The Silence has ITs own ways…

How about you, what makes your Heart sing?


Friday, December 24, 2010


We are the grace of Love fulfilled,
the shimmer of Sacred Light,
lustrous uniqueness in a field of
multidudinal Divine Shimmers
in glittering oneness…

We are the twinkle of liberated luminosity
radiating from the Heart Pulse of Love
within the Stream of Life
in continuous unfoldment.

We are created, and create from,
the glowing embers of the
furnace of Love’s fire.

Receive the molten flow of golden translucence
that forms you in the fire of Divine Love.
Let it infuse you in every micron of consciousness.

Golden Light turned fluid
flowing incessantly from the Primordial Heart.

Receive Love’s Presence, and Love’s presents:

Light and Love.

Love of Love
Light of Light

Love experiencing ItSelf as Love
in every breath,
in every form…


Winter Solstice

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


I have conversed with the Universe,
commiserated and cogitated;
ascended, descended:
polarized, conceptualized and spiritualized:
dis-membered and re-membered ~
and still I find no “plan” ~

Only vastness and immensity
beyond theory, framework and perception.
The Greatest, Grandest Mystery
in an ever unfolding nebula;
procreating itself in billowy clouds
and golden streams of stardust in an
endless infinity;
a golden thread weaving through space
without beginning or end:
creation beyond creation;
sound beyond sound;
light beyond light -

Matchlessly weaving its glittering thread
of exquisite expression through timelessness,
into time, and space beyond time,
with one theme braided into its
unending spiral, through
dimensions, distortions, dysfunctions -
~ Love ~

From this divine, mysterious weave of love
we create our reality,
and dance the dance of duality;
our light and our dark;
one thread within this cosmic
fabric of Divine Embrace…


Mystic Meandering
Winter Solstice


Photo – The Sombrer0 Galaxy
A galaxy within a galaxy
From – The Invisible Universe
by David Malin

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Confession of a Mystic

I have a secret that evidently “spiritual” types are not supposed to have. And lest you think I spend all my time floating in the ethers of “cosmic bliss,” I am telling my secret – which is - I get angry – a lot. There is a deep stream of volcanic anger that has continuously run through this body-mind since childhood. It erupts more often than I like to own up to. It has become an automatic way of perceiving and feeling that I have managed to avoid facing. But, as I have opened more to the beauty of “cosmic bliss,” a window is opening, allowing me to see more clearly this dark thread of anger that has woven itself through my life.

Right now life is extremely challenging on many levels. And I must admit that my default emotion is anger when life gets too frustrating, or too scary. Just ask my husband. :) And as much as I would like to believe my self-image as a peaceful “spiritual” mystic, I must also embrace “ugly oogla”, as my husband calls her. So I am coming face to face with her, instead of ignoring her and trying to shovel her lava back in the hole when she erupts. Cleaning up her messes has become burdensome.

Now one might say this chronic anger is because I am not accepting life the way it is. Yes, that is true. And one might say it is because there is still too much “me” – that may be true as well. And one might say it’s only the mind *believing* that life is difficult. And that too may be true. And, it is also true that it is an old habituated defense pattern learned in childhood living in a very angry family, where it was learned that anger was power as well as a protective mechanism. And I also see that anger is a messenger bringing me a much needed message – like all feelings do. So it’s time to let that angry cat out of the bag, so-to-speak.

There are many reasons why anger arises here, trying to fight its way out – in particular at the moment, life continues to fall apart, which ultimately could be a good thing, but “ugly oogla” doesn’t know that. Within this collapse uncertainty abounds, leading to fear, frustration and anger. And yes, there is evidently still a belief in a separate me (“ugly oogla”) who might not survive the fall and doesn’t like it when life doesn’t go the way she dreamed it would… There are definitely a lot of reasons on my “why am I angry list” – most of them are “me” reasons – the “me” not getting what she wants – the “me” not being heard, understood, paid attention to, loved and respected by a certain significant other. And oh yes, there is her cousin blame who wants to pin the tail on the donkey who got us into this life situation in the first place. Big practice opportunity with that one, but we’ll start with anger first. And yes, I have read all the anger books. This has been a life-long process of discovery and awareness.

Lately I’ve noticed that anger and frustration also arise as a result of not living in attunement with the Natural Rhythms within. I keep getting distracted, disturbed by and preoccupied with the survival needs of life as it is at the moment, and this gets in the way of my *idea* of how I “should” be living. You know, a life of Sacred Harmony with seemingly no problems - or so I tell myself. So I spend time in “The Cave” – which allows me to *feel* those inner Rhythms, and where I realize that life as it is at the present moment is impermanent – whew, what a relief! When I follow the anger I see that despite all my reasons for anger, it is really only energy, like all other feelings, and eventually dissipates. It only feels more intense, more “unspiritual”, more embarrassing to admit to this darkness that runs through here. And following “the pull” of the Natural Rhythms, at least for me, lets me know that there is *something* “beyond” this vaporous anger. So I look to ‘This’ for inspiration.

I sit in “The Cave” of Awareness, not to escape, but to listen. I listen to this voice of anger that festers and seethes and erupts. I befriend “ugly oogla” – give her a hug and listen with curiosity as she fumes and sputters about life events. And – at the same time I deeply attend to the space of Stillness, listening for her Voice as well – and she does speak. In the process of listening I feel myself returning to the space of Silence, the Awareness that embraces everything, even the anger. I realize that there are no magic pills for life’s challenges; that the only way out is through. And I begin to wake up from this dream of “ugly oogla” and her anger with life; her imagined slights, her need to protect, and her stubborn resistances to life’s challenges. When I follow the thread of anger that has woven its way through here, like when I follow “the Pull” that beckons me, it takes me back to the same space – Awareness – Silence – Home. In the fiery molten life force energy of anger there really is only this Light of Awareness – I merely have to pay attention to it, to feel it, to follow it and not get caught in the sludge.

And no, this doesn’t mean that anger has magically disappeared from my life. She is still here. But I keep meeting her in the Silence of “The Cave” until she recognizes that she is loved - that underneath ~ she *is* Love ~~~~


Photo – Center of the Trifid Nebula
from The Invisible Universe
by David Malin

“The long, sometimes violent creation
of stars happens in the secret, dusty places
and is at first detectable only as heat,
not light…”

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Paying Attention to "The Pull"

I have been feeling “the pull” of the Cosmos lately, in case you hadn’t noticed. :) Don’t know why. It feels similar to “the Pull of Consciousness” that I wrote about while window sitting. And of course since everything *is* Consciousness, I imagine that’s what’s knocking at this door again – saying, “pay attention.” I feel immensely drawn to and curious about this pull of “the Cosmos.” I even checked out the series “Cosmos” by Carl Sagan from the library this week and started watching it to satisfy this curious “longing” for the spacious Cosmic Ocean. In watching it I feel at home, I rest internally – as if “I” recognize something. A sense of innocent aliveness wakes up in me again – interesting. And, I am learning things about the universe that I don’t remember learning before. It’s as if I’m hearing it for the first time, and I am like a child listening in awe, wanting to soak it all in…

Last weekend it occurred to me that this pull has something to do with the pull of the Natural Rhythms, the Cosmic Tides of Consciousness, which I haven’t been paying attention to lately. I have been feeling out of sync with Life, with the Sacred Harmony - unable to hear, or sense The Rhythm of Life Itself because life circumstances keep drowning out the music. And yes, I know, there is “just this,” “life as it is” – and its all Awareness… And yet, and yet - this “pull.” How does one explain this “pull…” A conundrum. I’m sure there must be Cosmic Buddha’s that could explain this… :) If you’re out there give me a ring!

What would happen if I followed the pull, I wondered? Where would it take me? No particular “answer” arose in Consciousness. Only the sense that I need to pay attention to the pull. So I went about ordinary life this week, in ordinary ways, listening, sensing, feeling it - p-u-l-l-i-n-g.

There were even little quirky messages in the everydayness of life saying “pay attention.” -

One day this week, as I approached a stop sign, a young male on a cell phone, carrying a duffle bag of some sort, waved at me with two fingers as if to motion to me to stop, like I was a taxi of some kind. I shook my head no, indicating I was not going to pick him up. But of course he was at a stop sign and I had to stop. A few tense moments ensued as he ranted and flailed his arms at me through the window. I quickly flipped the automatic “door lock” switch, while I waited for the busy traffic passing in front of me to clear so I could move out. Whew. Now there’s a “pay attention” moment if I ever felt one!

And then, while walking through a small crowded gift shop full of things, and people, trying to navigate through the maze with a package to get to the post office counter in the back of the store, I had to circumvent a woman standing looking at things at the front counter. As I smoothly passed behind her, she evidently moved away from the counter, and plowed right into me, sending me sailing into a display case. I was abruptly stopped. If the display case hadn’t been there I would have been splayed on the floor. Another rather strong “pay attention” moment.

Sometimes the little “stories” in the everydayness of life are like messengers. The ‘Mystery’ speaks through everything. And clearly the message here was to stop and pay attention…

So – today I stopped. I sat in “The Cave” and paid attention to this pull… It was experienced as a very deep pull to Silence, to Zero point – the still point; a pull into the hush of the Cosmos – the Symphony of Silence. It was experienced as a pull to stop, be still and rest… It felt like a giant unseen cosmic tide of Silence drawing me to its core; a magnetic pull, continually pulling Itself back to Itself… As I “allowed” the Cosmos to pull me (there was really no allowing, it was just happening, and I was just along for the ride on the Cosmic Waves) there was a sense of being pulled to a deep internal space, an internal “home” – if you will. There was a comfort in the Silence and a deep relaxation, as I “let” it pull “me,” collapsing into it, “letting” it swallow me up… There was no intent and no cause. I do not have any intellectual understanding of it – none is needed. This “Pull” is just happening – ongoing - present tense – always there – the Natural Rhythm of Life. It requires nothing - except maybe stopping and paying attention.


Photo - Bill Kennedy
A paper weight

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star...

Sitting in deep Silence in “The Cave” – Awareness flows. By Silence I mean the deep space of Awareness, the space of Existence in which existence exists – The Emptiness, Consciousness, the Primordial Womb of Stillness that is beyond the sense of “me”, beyond the mind of fear and trembling, beyond construct, label and concept. It is the knowing Stillness of ISness. It is the deep space where everything that is, is just allowed to be. It is the space from which life and life experiences spring… It is the space of True Mind, True Nature, The Great Mystery, Love, and Light beyond light… And in this Silence you know yourself as That…

In deep Silence everything exists in suspended animation within deep knowing Awareness – all of it originating from and reflected in Its Emptiness – like some grand reflecting pool. The “me”/body-mind that we believe ourselves to be exists (ephemerally) within this context of this Space of Aware Knowing, like a cloud that exists within the context of the sky-space. The cloud is suspended in the spaciousness of the sky, and is not just an “appearance” appearing *on* it, as if super-imposed on the backdrop of sky, as if the sky were a flat screen, but is actually suspended in the depth of the sky – surrounded by sky-space. During the day the sky *looks* flat, except for the clouds that also appear to be flat against the sky. At night it become obvious that there are many stars suspended *in* space. It becomes obvious that the sky-space has dimension, has substance – has life. Space is literally full of ItSelf. :)

Several years ago my husband and I went to an observatory late at night out in the middle of a forest. We both were awed when we realized that what we can actually see with our naked eyes is only a fraction of the multitude of stars and planets that actually exist in this spacious Space of deep Silence. Deep Space is *alive* with millions and billions of light-generating substance. This realization is enlivening. Nothing is flat. Everything is suspended in Spaciousness. What we see and experience is only the surface. Remembering this now has brought home to me how I live, for the most part, only at the surface of life, at the edge of Reality – unaware of Its depth; unaware of the *Life* that is at the *depths* of Being – just being.

In deep Silence it becomes obvious that life is not a movie against a flat screen. We are not flat “objects against a backdrop of Awareness.” Awareness is not a “backdrop”, not a flat movie screen on which a movie of life is projected. Awareness is alive spaciousness that flows through as Life – a generative Aliveness. Everything is being lived. Life/Awareness/Presence is living ItSelf here *as* this life, *as* this existence, as this “me” – evanescent as it is. Life is not “just this” – in the sense of just what you can taste, touch, smell, see, hear. It is ‘THIS’ – this Alive, Conscious, Awareing Silence - the life blood of “just this.” It is the Intelligent Living Awareing Reality that “just this” is. Do I hear heart giggles echoing in the distance? :)

In the deep Silence, Existence (capital E) sees/knows/recognizes everything as ItSelf. It does not see separate objects floating within itself. Everything that exists is in suspended animation - Life suspended in ItSelf – like the stars, planets and clouds mysteriously suspended in space. And it’s not that Awareness “sees” like some objective distant observer out beyond the universe, but is intimately aware of its own existence, its own expression, as this expression is happening within ItSelf – as Itself - like a hologram – reflected out into Infinity.

In the deep Silence, Pure Awareness has no concept of “duality” or of anything being other than ItSelf. Non-duality and duality are concepts that only exist in the mind, in comparison to each other. Everything always was and is an expression of One Aware Consciousness. No comparison is made in the expression – as the *expression* is not seen as something *separate* from ItSelf. The conceptual framework, the structure through which we *see* becomes confining and needless – except to the mind of course. And yet we continue to play our duality/non-duality game – making distinctions where there are none…

I read recently that after a long period of deep Silence, when the Buddha opened his eyes and saw the morning star on the day of his enlightenment, he realized that he was the star he was seeing – he realized that he was the same pure nature as the star, and that all beings are endowed with this pure, radiant brilliance… A Mystery. We are the stuff of stars. Twinkle, twinkle…


Photo ~ From The Invisible Universe
by David Malin


“The Void is a mirror…
Creation is an image…
Man is as the eye of the image,
reflected in the mirror.
The One who is reflected in the image
is hidden in the pupil of the eye.
Thus ‘He’ sees ‘Himself’…

What you see around you is
not other-than-you.
All and everything is the existence
of the One…

See ‘Him’ in everything
as yourself
and the non-existence of yourself.
This is Truth.
There is only the One/Self/Essence…
The reflection of man in the mirror
is the same as that
which is being reflected -
and the words of the image
are the reflected words of
the Real One.”

From the writings of
Sufi Master Ibn’ Arabi
From Grace Is Now

Sunday, December 5, 2010

"Cave Writings" - Sacred Flow

constantly flows,
emerging as every day life
from its primordial womb of Silence.

This Flow curls and swirls
constantly transforming Itself,
constantly renewing Itself,
constantly unfolding Itself.

Recognizing ItSelf
in the face of another,
in the voice of another,
in the eyes of another…

…as the Essence of all life…

It is the Natural Rhythm of Life,
unfolding Itself into form…

…a palpable inner Rhythm of all that exists…

In the luminous Sacred Flow
everything is real,
vibrant and fluid ~
a living, breathing
Reality of Aliveness…

And we, like curious discoverers and explorers,
try to find this Natural Rhythm,
to experience its Harmony,
to hear its Flow
and follow its Sound ~
Not seeing that this Mystery is here,
pulsing in us…

Effulgent Flow ~

…in the everydayness of living…


Mystic Meandering
December 5, 2010

Photo ~ Fun-Qi Art™ ~ Christine

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"Cave Writings" - Leap

The heartache of humanity
ripples through Consciousness
with its pain and fear…

We stand at the precipice of
Love’s eternal abyss.
Yet, we are hesitant to jump ~
to fall into that Love,
to listen to the Voice of Love
calling to us…

We are totally free
~ to love ~
to *feel*
our collective pain…
our grief,
our fear,
our anger,
~~~ rippling through ~~~

We are free to experience it all,
to express it all,
to embrace life experience completely…

We are totally free to Be ~
just as we are…

And we are free
to empty ourselves
into Love any time…

”The Beloved” awaits…

Listen and Leap,
and keep leaping…

We are loved beyond measure…


Mystic Meandering
Dec. 1, 2010

Photo ~ refrigerator magnet