A Pause for Momentary Insanity...

What a week!

We have been anticipating that DH would be hired permanently by the company he has been working for as a contract-to-hire for the last year.  Instead, DH was given notice on Tuesday that he will NOT be hired, although there was every indication in December that he would be.  So this came as quite a shock.  It was a moment of insanity – the expectation of a certain outcome and then given another. We had unconsciously become attached to this outcome, *believing* life was going to go a certain way.   Instead we are at the edge of the unknown again…

Word has it that the “Fiscal Cliff” scared the higher up mucky-mucks at corporate.  So they pulled in the reigns on the budget and let go of managers and purged the contract-to-hire people - the reality of the corporate world.  What a landslide we have found ourselves in, scrambling – putting us in survival mode once again.

DH was very philosophical about it, saying that he saw this as an invitation to a new adventure.  That’s just who he is, how he sees life, even though he was riding the wave of anxiety and fear as well.  But this was not the “adventure” I had in mind!  - I reacted.  I was just beginning to relax and breathe again, believing we might actually have some financial security and stability again after many years of living without it. And I was surprised at how quickly I was pulled under by the waves of shock, disbelief, numbness, depression, anxiety and anger…  And I also felt a very deep sadness for DH, who has gone through this so many times in the last 10 years as the economy continues to fail.

The next morning I awoke and felt the grip of fear in my gut, and a deep crushing void in the middle of my chest where my Heart was supposed to be. A heart wounding cry rose from deep within, from a depth I have not known before, as if a death had occurred  - a death of a constructed life that we thought was real - collapsing  - again; the death of the ‘self’ with its idea of the way life should be - collapsing…  Waves of emotion passed through… And I learned how much depth there are to these waves and how easily it is to get caught in their undertow.

And then there was the call to Silence – a deep inner Silence of Being – a collapsing into just Being…  And in that Silence of Being a realization that everything happens to collapse what you have identified with, the deconstruction of self-identifications of who you think you are, the beliefs, the ideas, the opinions, the mental constructs of the way you think  life should be… And the insight came that everything is based on interpretation, how we interpret our circumstances.  The awareness arose that every experience is an opportunity to awaken to That which lives deeply within us – our True Beingness that just IS – beyond the emotions, beyond the pain, beyond the chaos of life’s circumstances, beyond our self-centeredness.   LIFE unfolds on its own terms, not how I wish it to…  So we unfold with it…   How easy it is to forget this…

As I awoke this morning I turned inward to the awareness of that familiar feeling of inner Beingness – the deeper Reality that life takes place *in.*  I slipped out of momentary insanity, out of the ego’s grip, into the awareness of the Greater Reality of Being that is always here – that just IS - that silently lives every experience in every moment.  When I keep turning inward to Beingness, trusting and resting in THIS, I am at peace with what is…

“There is a force which gives you life – seek That.

If you want to find the greatest treasure
don’t look outside,
look inside and seek That…”

Rumi

Photo: Eeyore
Sorry for the graininess

It’s kinda like life is at the moment J

An Expotition...

Pooh Bear and I went on an Expotition in the surrounding neighborhood last Thursday – our version of the 100 Acre Wood.  At my suggestion we went down a side street we had never been down before.  I was sure that there was a path that cut across a “power line right of way” back to our street, as I had seen the other end of the path from our street several times.  We kept walking down a long hill, following the curves in what seemed like a much longer way than the length of our own street just a block away.  We eventually found the path that cut through (yellow dotted line on map below), but it seemed to be a part of someone’s property that had a gate that was closed.  Neither one of us being the risk-taker type, Pooh and I decided to just keep going –  even though we had no idea where it would take us.

It was getting dark. Dogs were barking at us - strangers in this neck of the woods.  And we kept running into dead ends and cul-de-sacs.  We could see where we needed to be, but we couldn’t get there from where we were.  There was no path, no way through.  So we kept going and going and going, like an Expotition to nowhere.  Eventually we sighted a familiar main road.  We walked along the shoulder in rush hour traffic after dark – until we got to a large open field that we knew was just down the street from our house.  Once again I had seen that there was a path from our side of the field – that *appeared* to cut across the field.  But now that we were on the other side of the field we couldn’t find the path…  Okay, so this is becoming a theme here, don’t you think!

By this time I’m running on empty, stepping in gopher holes, and Pooh Bear is way ahead trying to find the way in the dark with only the remnants of light from the sunset.  We came to a deep ravine right in the middle of the field that spanned the entire width of the field.  There was no way across.  Ooops.  Very strange, I could have sworn I saw a path that went all the way the length of the field out to the main street.  I had not seen a deep ravine.  So we followed along the edge at the top of the ravine, hoping to find its end so we could get around it.  But the gaping hole didn’t end, until we got to a parking lot at the edge of the field.  We had to go through the parking lot and re-enter the field on the other side of the ravine where we *finally* found a way that would lead us home, which was not necessarily "the path" that we *thought* would take us there.  Phew.  Now *that* was an expotition.  It was probably about 2 miles, and about an hour’s brisk walk.

Upon reflection I found the whole journey an interesting life metaphor that we kept running into dead ends and cul-de-sacs, unable to get where we needed to go; not really knowing where we were going, unable to find a path that would take us home.  Everyday life reflecting an internal perception of “reality…”

 Just two days before I had awoken with the sense of needing to “leave the spiritual path behind” (also a recurring theme), although it was not clear to me what that meant exactly, and still isn’t, but change is in the air - again. J  It is the sense of “endings,” the sense of giving up the *trying*, the*striving* to find the right way, to stop *pursuing* the path; to just stop - to just *live* and not always try to *get* somewhere.  Pooh Bear has even commented that he felt I was trying too hard to find my way, efforting. And when I asked him why I was not getting the clarity and insight that seem to come to him so easily, he said – “because I’m not *trying*.”  Oooo – wise bear.  They just come to him because he stays open to life, without agenda, without the expectation of finding anything.  But as a consequence of my *trying* so hard to find the right path, the path has become illusive, and almost emotionally torturous to travel.  So I was not totally surprised when our little expotition ended up feeling a lot like my “spiritual path.”

 Recently I mentioned to a fellow blogger that I felt like I have been running on a “spiritual treadmill” going nowhere; still running on the surface of life.  That even after 30 years of being on a “spiritual path” I was still living on the surface of life, aware of a deeper Reality – a vast spacious background Presence in which all of life exists – but still focused mainly on the surface; lamenting that even “spirituality,” like religion, had become just another construct in the matrix. 

So it seems it’s time to get off the treadmill and leave the surface path behind, head deeper Into The Forest and Plumbthe Depths, tasting the sweet honey in the adventure of Being, and experience the current of Being that runs deeply through the internal pathways.

“Why search for anything when the very fabric of experience is
the path,
the unfolding of everyday experience.

Stop trying to awaken,
stop meddling with your experience
long enough to notice what is.

The key is within.”

Rob Matthews
”The Ineffable Mystery of Being”
(scroll down to read full article)

Neither Snow, nor Sleet, nor...

We’ve been getting more snow this winter than we have in many years. Wednesday night we had another small snowfall – about 3 inches. That day it had been 70 degrees. So when it started to snow after midnight with a 50+ degree drop in temperature, it melted when it hit the pavement and froze.

I should have known better than to go for my usual twilight walk the next evening, when I stepped out the front door and saw the stairs and shoveled driveway covered in ice. I figured the snow covered sidewalk would be okay, if I could get to it. I was determined to make my twilight rounds. WHAT was I thinking!

I hadn’t gone far when my left foot slipped off the edge of the sidewalk, because I couldn’t really tell *where* the sidewalk was, and I fell onto my right knee – thunk. *&%$@. I felt the jolt go through my body. I felt like Pooh Bear who “stepped on a piece of the Forest which had been left out by mistake.” The sidewalk had just disappeared. I heard the neighbor lady out shoveling across the street gasp as I clunked to the ground, but she never said a word. Or maybe it was just the echo of my own grunt as I landed. :) I quickly popped up, brushed myself off, and continued on. Nothing hurt – surprisingly. But I didn’t go far – didn’t finish my self-appointed rounds. It was cold and my knee started to “bother.” I cut my “expotition” short, as Winnie the Pooh called them, and skipped a couple of twilight walks. My knee is fine. But I feel like a “bear of little brain”, and I’m not a spring chicken anymore, or Eskimo either for that matter. So I will have to employ a little common sense before going off on my twilight “expotitions” – if I still have any of that left - common sense that is...

Here are a few pictures from other twilight walks, in between snowfalls, that I didn’t want to have “slip” into the archives :)

~~

“The gift of Silence allows true listening to emerge.”


Joan Ruvinsky
Pathless Yoga

(see the little bird in the tree top!)



There is just being.
There is nothing else.
Being is totally whole just being.
It is the aliveness
that’s in the body;
pure beingness,
pure aliveness.

Tony Parsons
The Open Secret

Don’t ask what the world needs.
Ask what makes you come alive
and go do it.
Because what the world needs
is people who have come alive.

Howard Thurman

"Embrace the full measure of your life at any cost.
Bare your heart to the unknown
and never look back..."

“...awaken to yourself
as the radiant emptiness of spirit
...turn your attention inward
to the awake silence that you are.”


Adyashanti