Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of life...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Forgotten Joy

Yesterday morning I awoke with the usual contraction in the pit of my stomach – my habitual response to life these days, as a result of the *story* I keep creating in my head about what is happening. Then I consciously brought my awareness to the space of Awareness, as I breathed into the contraction, meeting it, while at the same time laying back into the inner felt sense of Being – aware, once again, that it was my thoughts that were churning my stomach into a large knotted ball…

After several minutes, still aware of the knot, I arose and went through my usual morning routine and checked emails before heading to the kitchen to make breakfast. I receive the frequent mailings from Non-Duality Highlights which have various quotes and excerpts from various “non-duality” teachers. The first two entries were about Fear and Anxiety, my life long companions. Interesting, but the words didn’t particularly speak to me, so I kept reading down and came to the last entry, which was a link to a YouTube video entitled: “Where the hell is Matt?” I was curious so I clicked on the link.

Now you may have already heard about this guy who’s going all over the world for the purpose of dancing in every city that he goes to – why, I don’t know, although I did recently see a program about him. So as soon as the video started playing I recognized who this was. But I wasn’t prepared for my reaction. For some reason it touched me as I sat watching, amused, while he danced by himself in streets, and deserts, and flower fields. As the video musically transitioned from scene to scene he was eventually joined by crowds of people, all dancing their funny little dances – smiling, happy, laughing, joyful. My heart began to smile and my eyes began to well up at the sight of people joyfully dancing with him all over the world: Children and adults in back streets and on beaches, on mountain cliffs and bridges, in sun and rain – expressing pure joy. As the tears began to fill my eyes, the simple presence of Joy began to fill my heart and it surprised me. It was a forgotten joy. The knot in my stomach began to dissolve and my heart began to lighten. Amazing. I didn’t have to work on unraveling it. It unwound itself while I watched pure joy playing out on the computer screen.

In a 4+ minute video I *felt* what is underneath all the fixations and fears, the rapids and turbulence that I’ve been experiencing lately: the Joy of our True Nature. It was waiting right there. You can call it Pure Consciousness, Compassion, Awareness, Happiness, Contentment, or whatever you name it – it’s the same energy that underlies everything we experience – even if we can’t feel it at the time. It’s Being being Joy!

This one man on a mission to dance in cities around the world, for whatever reason, unknowingly lit up my heart with a remembrance of Forgotten Joy that has been hiding underneath the stories of the fearful rapids of living, which now don’t seem so frightening. As Pema Chodron says – all life is workable. Who knows, I may even become adventurous and learn to *enjoy* the rapids… chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.

As I went about my day I noticed I felt lighter, freer, unburdened, and I caught myself several times humming the theme song from The Lion King, trying to remember the lyrics – something about the Circle of Life. Everyone and everything is part of the Circle. It’s all one Life energy rising and falling, contracting and expanding – the fear *and* the joy. Everything held in the Circle…

Here’s the link for the dancing video in case you want a heart smile today. :)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Serenity's Sanctuary - The Heart of Being

When the Heart opens
nothing else matters;
not the trying to “figure it out,”
or to “make it happen,”
or “understanding.”

When the Heart opens,
there is just a simple holding of Presence,
an accepting and allowing of everything.


Do not be afraid of where Love might take you
or how it will change you.
Allow the stream of Love to carry you,
to flow *you* through life with its
winding turns, over rapids, through eddies
and around obstacles.
Be at peace in the flow and fluidity of Love’s Presence.


Deep change comes through the confluence of Love within.
Pay attention to its flow, its music, its message.
There is nothing but Love.
Look beyond the surface irritations,
the surface constrictions that hold you tightly –
suffocating you.
That is only the surface.
Your true life is hidden deep within the Heart of Being.


The Heart of Being is complete and total Love,
complete and total Acceptance for everything.
It embraces every experience.


Just sit.
Do not seek answers.
Just sit.

Sit in your Heart.
Practice sitting in the Heart,
with restful reception.

Simply sit.

Sweet Serenity...


Photo by Christine Kennedy

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Habitual Patterns

As I sit here, the duct cleaning man is reaming out all our ducts - quack.:) There is a loud, whirring, rhythmic sound of a large, industrial vacuum and the buzzing sound of the reamer tool as it goes through each of the ducts, as the duct man makes his way through the house – which could last from 5-8 hours. I expected to hear more clanging and banging of metal. But he showed us the whirly-gig tool, and it’s really pliable plastic spirals that spin as he feeds it down through each vent opening.

Another duct cleaning man actually came Thursday morning and within a half hour there was an area wide power outage! What are the chances that THAT would happen on the same day!? More Karma? – just kidding… :) He barely got started unscrewing the register plates. I called the electrical company and got a recording that informed me that the power would be out for 4 hours! You never get to talk to a real person. So the duct cleaning man packed up his things and left, telling me to call the company, explain the situation and reschedule – which I did and here we are.

A young, foreign speaking man from Niger, West Africa arrived this morning at 8:20am. (Niger, not Nigeria). When I first heard his accent I thought maybe it was Caribbean with that stereotypical happy lilting sound that seems to rise in different places than the English language. I have to listen very hard to understand what he’s saying – which means paying attention, acutely listening. My first thought was - he seems knowledgeable enough – like *I* should know! :) So I have to *trust* that he does indeed know what he’s doing. (I was the same way with the previous technician – trying to micro-manage and make sure he knew what he was doing – how laughable.) Besides it’s duct cleaning, not brain surgery. Still, I want everything done thoroughly. The website assures that all technicians are “certified.” So once again it’s – step back and trust.

But the habitual pattern is to become vigilant, anxious, mistrusting, wanting to be on top of things, making *sure* things are done just “right” – once again – like *I* know… It’s the control issue again. My husband, on the other hand, fell asleep in the chair, perfectly content to let things be as they are. Our brains are wired differently evidently. :) There are years and years of engrained, eroded neuronal pathways in my brain that trigger electrical impulses down the same path every time. And so I am feeling *very* uncomfortable in the moment, edgy. My body is feeling the surge of impulses to try to take charge of a situation that I have no control over what-so-ever. Which actually when I think about it, is most of life! So the microcosm reflects the macrocosm, my little world reflects the greater reality… Why do I keep going down those same pathways? Why doesn’t my brain get this? But it’s like I really don’t have any control over that either, unless I do some heavy weight training I guess, trying to re-pattern the pattern… I know, it’s called "mindfulness practice” - bringing awareness to the pattern.

So I am having a cultural experience this morning – as well as what’s beginning to sound like major construction going on in the house – the closer it gets to where I am. I did manage to find out that Sani (?sp – sounds like “sonny”) has lived in the US for 8 years. His wife is here, but his parents and other relatives are back in Africa. And he lived in Nebraska before he moved to Colorado 5 years ago. And he seems like a very happy man. I envy that. Even though many spiritual teachers say that it is our Nature to be happy, for some reason this “true nature happiness” eludes me. Probably because of all those conditioned, neural responses from early childhood that got laid down because I believed that life was dangerous. I believed the *story* that life was dangerous – and the internal beware signs went up. The dream character here is still responding to the externals of life, to the story, to the content of what’s happening – like events, circumstances and their corresponding feelings, body responses, and such, rather than living from the greater *Context* of Reality itself – Consciousness itself. And so in that respect this little event today brings more awareness to that mechanism that is still very alive here. It’s a multi-relational experience really – seeing how everything relates to everything else – and how I relate to it all – and how sometimes I get lost down those ducts – those pathways of habitual patterns…

Heart Smiles…

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rapids and Turbulence

It seems like it’s been one thing after another lately. Actually it’s been quite turbulent for the past 7 years, starting with husband relationship issues, and then health issues for the past 6 years, leaving me with erratic health and varied levels of stamina. Then my husband left “the corporate life” a few years back for his own sanity, and has been trying to get a consulting business off the ground for the past 2 ½ years in a difficult economy, as well as trying to find other income streams, redefining “the business” as he goes – losing our healthcare insurance in the process. And there are a myriad other things that seem to go “wrong” on a regular basis.

For instance in just the past week it cost nearly $2500 to keep our nearly 20 year old car running and able to pass inspection. And then for some unknown reason we had a musty odor arise from the crawl space, which I think we may have mitigated on our own, but still may require hiring a professional. And we turned the furnace on for the first time this season on Monday when temperatures dropped 30 degrees and “Fall” arrived one day early with a rain/snow mix, warning us that this might be a big winter coming. And up from the vents arose another musty odor and my respiratory system went berserk. So the duct cleaning people will be here Saturday to ream out the system for a mere $400… And on it goes it seems. One thing after another. It led me to wonder what kind of karma we have going on - although I’m not convinced that there is such a thing… Maybe there was a mirror that I broke way back when? I would prefer to believe that I haven’t done anything “wrong” to “deserve” this long stretch of, dare I say, “tribulation.” And if it is in fact THE Tribulation then I expect I will be “raptured” any day now. But no, I remind myself, it’s just life, being what it is, living itself as it does – not a punishment for wrongs committed.

Now I’m not saying “poor me” here – as I know there are many of us in the same boat. It’s uncanny to me, from reading other blogs, how our lives seem to parallel each other. We all seem to have rather weighty issues that we’re dealing with these days. No one’s issues are more or less weightier than another. They’re just issues – experiences that we go through for whatever reason. Yet they are sometimes like a wolf at the door – huffing and puffing.

And since life has sort of been “in our face” for so many years, struggling to keep our heads above water, my husband announced on the 17th that it was “Turning Point Day.” So we had one of those “quality of life” conversations, and determined it was time to make a few life changes. (I actually felt relieved that he finally came to this realization himself! I’ve been gasping for breath for years! :) We came to the conclusion that we need to sell the house… It is requiring way more time, physical exertion and money than we are willing or able to give it. Yet it is nowhere near sellable condition. There are multiple expensive repairs needed as things have been put off in these turbulent years. My husband is not the handyman type. There’s also 13 years of well-organized, and not so well organized clutter here, which I have wanted to purge for a long time, but never had the motivation or the energy. So here’s my excuse to fire up the internal engine as much as possible and get ‘er done – a little at a time mind you. Last week I started in my office/work space with the piles and piles of un-filed papers, unfinished projects, and just junk that I never seem to be able to keep up with. I don’t even want to *think* about the basement. And, the other issue: Where are we going anyway, not qualifying for rentals, or another house? The street isn’t exactly the “quality of life” we’re looking for – nor is it an option. And that’s thinking too far ahead at this point anyway. Another excuse to get entwined in the mind - which is not where I want to go either…

So it’s one foot in front of the other - stepping back from the precipice of panic, resting in Awareness and practicing Presence, trusting, maintaining sanity as much as possible without feeling too overwhelmed about what I assume lies ahead of us: the seemingly daunting rapids of life – as I’m about to turn 60 btw – where it appears we are about to be spewed out of a water chute and dropped into a pool of churning, turbulent water, without a kayak or paddle for that matter. Does that mean we’re up Schitz Creek? :) Maybe. And I thought we already went down that one, or was that down the tubes! And I wanted a nice, quiet, contemplative, “spiritual life!” Another illusion shattered…

In any case, in our “quality of life” conversation we each defined what that would mean for each of us. Interestingly we both really want the same thing: We want to hear the song of Life again. It has somehow been muffled. We’ve lost the ability to *hear* the song, to feel the rhythm, to play the notes. We don’t have a sense of Life’s song, the song that wants to be sung through each of us. The life we are living now has pretty much suffocated our ability to sing, and we’re tired of almost drowning. So, we need to discover again what the song is that wants to be sung, and make the necessary adjustments – always adjustments - and of course remember to Ride the Wind and “take the rabbits.” :)

So if you hear a slightly wobbly tune wafting in the breeze that will be me trying to find the right notes. :)

Heart Smiles as always…

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

GSW - S & M vs. Comic Relief

I have become aware that I might be a tad too serious about too many things lately, always trying to find the Significance and Meaning in everything that happens. And you thought I meant something else right?! :) So today I’m writing about something humorous - the lighter side of life. And what better place to find it than in the grocery store! I have "enjoyed" - well almost - my grocery store days since I’ve been writing a blog post about them, because it brings me to a place of greater awareness, and gives me perspective, which I see as a good thing. Yet, sometimes I think I’m too engaged in trying to find the meaning, the wisdom in it.

Today was no different. Instead of just being *aware*, as usual I started *looking* for Significance and Meaning as soon as I walked in the door. Yet they were nowhere to be found. It was as if they got lost in the *looking*, in the seeking for them. Like we were playing hide and seek in some kind of existential way. They weren’t really there anyway, but I was looking for them just in case. It’s like what I’ve heard some spiritual teachers say about seeking – as soon as you start seeking for the proverbial “It”, “It” is not to be found. It’s lost to *you* because of the seeking, and the trying. It’s as if life needs a softer gaze to be fully seen – fully experienced – because nothing’s really hidden. “IT” reveals itself in every experience.

Anyway, as I kept watching for S&M to show up the thought occurred to me that maybe there really *isn’t* any significance and meaning to what occurs except for what I project onto it, except for what I *want* to see… hmmm. So I relaxed the mind a bit to not be *looking* for anything. I let go of the *needing* for there to be a wisdom, or meaning in what I was experiencing, and just went on my way, *in* the experience - not trying to make something of it.

When I got to the check out stand the young woman ahead of me (I was old enough to be her mother) had just a handful of items, one of which was a 32 oz container of yogurt. She decided she didn’t need a bag, and hadn’t brought her own. She instead tried to carry her “handful” of 5-6 items. She picked them all up and cradled them in her arms. Just as she got to the end of the check out counter I heard a loud – WHAP. I looked up and saw that the 32oz plastic container of yogurt had hit the floor, hitting straight up on its bottom, forcing the lid off, and yogurt splayed everywhere: hitting the man behind us at the opposite check out stand, as well as the counter, the bagger at the end of the counter, and across much of the floor - oops.

The young woman appeared dumb struck that this could have happened, and stated it had never happened to her before, as she nervously laughed. I just watched as it all unfolded. The clerks scrambled to clean it up – and she tried to help. The man tried to wipe the goopy stuff off his bare legs and clothes – while she apologized profusely, and tried to help him wipe it off. I’m sure he was thinking – I can do it myself lady, thanks anyway. In the middle of all this the girl and I looked at each other and broke into laughter. I mean, it really *was* comical, although nobody else was laughing. The sight of this in my head still makes me laugh out loud.

Whap – splat – yogurt everywhere.

No significance, no meaning really – just pure experience…

Life unfolds before our eyes…

Whap – splat – comic relief… :)

Heart Smiles…

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Serenity's Sanctuary - The Vastness of Being

What rises and falls, rises and falls within the context of
the Vastness of Being.
What arises are adaptations, not aberrations, not even fragmentations.
What arises are conditioned reactions, based on the lack of
knowing your Beingness –
your true Presence, the backdrop for everything that happens.


Mind creates and functions in predictable, habitual patterns.
Being responds spontaneously in the immediacy of the moment –
to meet each moment with freshness, newness, innocence,
curiosity, delight, with un-focus – that is – it can be
distracted by whatever grabs its attention with a sense of
discovery and openness.


Life happens.
Conditioning happens as a result.
Unwrap yourself from the shell of conditioning and
rest in the ever-stillness of Primordial Presence.
See and experience everything within that context.
Keep sitting back into the lap of Being –
The Embrace.


To be free is knowing yourself *as* Being –
the Essence of our Divine Nature.

Sweet Serenity...


Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings

Photo: Street light through Birch branches

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Serenity's Sanctuary - The Depths of Being

The invitation is to come into the depths.
Find the depths of Being internally.
Find the fluidity under the surface waters
at the depths of Being…


Enter more deeply into the depths of Being.
Allow yourself to sink more fully, more completely into Being ~
into intimacy with Being.

Experience the Fullness, the Spaciousness, the Presence, the Knowing,
the Awareness.

Go to the very core of Being – the all-encompassing,
all-embracing Presence.

Find the deep Stillness and rest there.


This is “enlightenment,” seeing the Stillness beyond what appears,
beyond the fears, the anxieties.
It is simply seeing beyond into the Stillness.

Learn to see beyond what is presented to you.
Uncover, reveal, unveil the layers until your seeing
takes you into Stillness where everything is resolved.

Take everything to its “beyondness.”
Just see beyond everything.


There is nothing to know – only BE.
Be the Stillness that you ARE…

Sweet Serenity...


Photo by Bill Kennedy

Friday, September 11, 2009

Yoda's Wisdom In Death

In meditation this morning I was reflecting on Yodi’s death - given name Yoda – and how there doesn’t seem to be any lingering spirit presence here, no energetic imprint after his passing, which I had anticipated. It’s as if he’s *really gone!* I don’t know how to describe this other than to say it’s as if his spirit was totally taken back to Source. It’s not floating around in spirit world – he’s *gone.* There is no emotion about this, no sense of loss – a little surprise maybe because my “belief system” had conditioned me to believe that something *else* was supposed to happen here, and so there were expectations about what I might experience after his death.

Instead, Yoda’s death left this wonderful opportunity to *see* beyond the belief and expectation. And the following was the wisdom that spontaneously arose this morning. This surprised me as well. I didn’t expect what came – and no, it was not the cat talking to me :) – just a depth of insight that I hadn’t had before on this subject.

And so I invite you to suspend belief and pre-conditioned thought – and just hear the words that are offered. They were a gift to me and I pass the gift on to you…

We are just a mist, a vapor that appears and disappears,
like the aurora borealis – there and gone;
a moment in the sky,
then retract back into Space.

We are just a breath of Spirit,
the Breath of Life Itself,
inspired at birth,
expired in one long sigh at “death.”

We are just an energy that dances in the Wind –
for a time - and then gone. Gone, gone, gone beyond,
absorbed by the Primordial Womb of Stillness again.
Returned to Source.
Exhaled and inhaled by the Primordial Breath.

“We” go – Life Itself goes back to the Womb again,
the fluid energetic suspension that suspends all life
in its Embrace.

Energy to Energy
Spirit to Spirit
Breath to Breath
Fluidity to Fluidity
Life to Life

There *is* no “duality.”
It’s all One Life
lived and returned
to the other side of Life – not “death” –
as if never really gone.
Breathed out and breathed in.
One movement in suspended Eternity.

No life – No death
Just Be-ing…

"Life in death you be... hmmm?"
Yoda the Wise

Mystic Meandering
copyright Sept. 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Primordial Womb of Stillness

It has occurred to me that not everyone may understand what I mean when I talk about being “in the Stillness,” or Silence. In my previous blog post I referred to “The Primordial Womb of Stillness” – and write about it in other blogs as well.. Recently I heard someone from a “spiritual community” comment that “stillness” was not for him – as if Stillness meant that he had to sit still, like an impatient two year old who just wants to run and play. This is not the kind of Stillness that I am referring to. Neither is this “being in Stillness” an esoteric idea that we just float around in the empty ethers of Nothingness.

For me Stillness, or Silence, is the Primordial womb of Being from which all things are birthed. It is equivalent to the words Awareness, Presence, Being, Consciousness, Spaciousness, the Vastness, the Formless, Existence, Isness, Knowing Awareness, Emptiness, Self, Source, Love – The Mystery. It’s not about being quiet, or sitting still, or sitting in stillness, or even meditating, although that is a part of it – for me. When I refer to the Stillness I am speaking of the deep, internal river of Stillness – awake, aware, dynamic, alive Stillness - that courses through us – the original Source of all being. THAT, that is the Stillness.

Stillness is not about being “quiet” – it IS Quietness Itself – the deep, internal, vibrant, full space of Quiet – Pure Awareness, Pure Consciousness that just IS. For me there is a movement to this Stillness – like the aurora borealis. It is not a dead zone, empty of life – but is the ground of all life. It IS Life…

It is the “Inner Being” that Eckhart Tolle talks about that one can feel experientially. And the voice of Stillness speaks when we listen internally – which, yes, may require a bit of the surface stillness as well. It is the Space of deep inward listening. It is a felt experience of our very Beingness. It is a dynamic flow. Ramana Maharshi refers to it as “the current.” I have recently referred to it as “The Rhythm.” Scott Kiloby refers to it as non-conceptual awareness. Adyashanti and Jean Klein call it – Silence. But it is the Silence that isn’t silent – the Stillness that isn’t still. You can feel it even when you are not “still” – even when you are surrounded by noise and chaos – even while doing mundane chores. It’s like tapping in to some internal channel, or flow that is always running, always humming - palpable. It is what sees through your eyes – the “stepping back into the Looking itself” in Zen. It’s called by many names. I just happen to call it Stillness because that resonates with me. And when I’m aware and listening, it draws me to it, beyond all the mind clutter, everyday chaos and the contractions of whatever experience I’m in at the moment. And it’s there even when I’m not particularly aware.

It is not surface tranquility. It is a deep place of rest. And all that’s needed is an internal gaze to see what’s really there underneath the surface. All it really “requires” is awareness – not sitting still. Although, I find that being still allows me to become more acutely *aware* of this Primordial Stillness within – the ever present Presence; as does creativity, and a myriad other activities. There are many ways of “entering”/experiencing the Stillness. Although technically we do not “enter” IT, it’s more of a relaxing in your natural state, *as* IT.

Like Awareness, Consciousness or Beingness – however one refers to it - Stillness is the container, or context, for all that is. Everything that we experience arises and falls back into this Embrace of Stillness. It holds and cradles all that is, as well as permeates all that is. It’s what invites us Home - to Itself. It IS Home. We ARE the deep Stillness, even if we’re not aware of it.... In good moods and bad moods, in contractions, fixations, in tragedies or in peace – it’s there underneath it all, inviting us to its embrace…

“To be aware of the embrace in which Existence holds us
is the greatest gift.”
Deva Premal

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Grocery Store Wisdom - Prunes Anyone?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but lately I’m seeing a lot of contraction in the faces I see at the grocery store. There have only been a handful of truly radiant faces. Some conceal themselves behind a pleasant mask, or appear numb, but you can see the contraction in their eyes. Now maybe it’s just me, projecting my own contraction, my own sometimes dour puss, out onto the “other” faces that are looking back at me. But in general people appear “troubled” to me - worried, conflicted, irritated, etc. All the things I’m experiencing as well. Collectively it seems as if we are in pain – and not just because of the economy - but it seems we are going through some kind of birthing process, experiencing the contractions of labor. Or maybe it’s just that we need to eat more prunes… :) I’m not an seer here – just making observations…

I have been experiencing a deep unsettledness and restlessness myself all through the Summer and even now, as if something is trying to be birthed, but holding back – constrained somehow. Yet the contractions keep coming. Old unresolved issues have surfaced, old memories, old thoughts, old feelings, old patterns, as if trying to release.

And so I ask, what wants to be birthed here? What *is* being birthed here – that feels like pushing a square peg through a round hole, contracting facial expressions?

Something feels like it’s being birthed from the Primordial Womb of Stillness… It’s as if “Spirit” (aka – Awareness, Consciousness, Being) is birthing Itself “again.” It’s as if it’s rebirthing itself into a new cycle of existence – morphing into new forms. It feels like “we” (the collective we) are at the edge of a new cycle, the birthing of a new cycle, and therefore experiencing birth pangs – laboring.

While I understand the so-called “remedy” for this angst, this contracting, is to recognize who we truly are and “just rest in That” – “abide in That” - hearing the *words* - “just rest in/as Awareness” doesn’t stop the contraction necessarily. It doesn’t soothe the angst. Even though I *know* they are true, it has to be a *felt experience.* Hearing the *words* that I’m identifying with the mind and emotions, that it’s all just a contraction of thought, and all there is, is Awareness/Consciousness, and all I need do is just let the thought flow through and rest in Awareness somehow doesn’t help. It’s like telling a woman in stage two labor to just relax, to just let go, while she’s on her knees on the birthing bed beating her husband on his chest calling him all kinds of names because of the very real pain of birth that she’s experiencing. And honestly I’d rather have the pain killer. Morphine drip please. :) Sometimes you just have to go *through* whatever it is you’re going through… And yet, there is always the invitation to rest, to rest back into the Embrace that holds everything… I can feel it in the background, inviting me to rest. And still, the contractions keep coming, distracting me.

And interestingly - at the same time - I’m okay with all this laboring, as intense as it sounds as I tell it here, because even through all this contracting I *know* that there is nothing other than okay. What could be other than okay… There is no “other” that is somehow different than okay. Everything is always okay, even the struggles, the labor of birth, and the grief of death. There can’t be anything else but okay. But these are just words too, are just another version of “everything is just Awareness…”, just the One expressing Itself as everything, but it’s the version that resonates with me right now in the trenches of life being lived here, as it is – as whatever this birthing is unfolds.

And so what about these faces that I see looking back at me - as I meandered the isles at the grocery store – with sadness, and stress, and conflict, and exhaustion? – reflections of myself. To me they are the faces of The Mystery living Itself, birthing Itself – dare I say awakening Itself – morphing Itself. And in this process of life being lived *everything* is allowed – these contractions of birth that we are experiencing. And sometimes it appears that this birthing (awakening) can be a messy process… The bliss of “awakening” appears to be a fleeting moment, the honeymoon experience ends – and life is lived – the joy and the pain together. It’s all fluid. It all morphs back into Being Itself really, in a fluid movement – the Self returning to Itself.

And maybe this all sounds like gibberish… Would you like prunes on that? :)

Heart Smiles – MeANderi

ps – the picture is yours truly having a moment evidently.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Serenity's Sanctuary - Love

Be at peace.
Even in the midst of chaos there is Love.
Even in the midst of destruction there is Love.
Even in the midst of confusion there is Love.
There is nothing but Love.

Absorb the truth of this, the wisdom of this.
In this is healing.


It is your “destiny” to be Love – to be a presence of Love.
The only “purpose” is to Be and to Love.
Let the seeds of Love grow within you,
to blossom and flower into its fullness.
It is already there in your Heart –
In the core of Being.


You are loved beyond measure.
Nothing else matters.
When you know this you will heal.
Let it embrace you, fill you.
Embrace it back.
Feels its joy, its comfort.


Love is your sanctuary

Sweet Serenity...


Photo by Christine Kennedy

Saturday, September 5, 2009

New Poem - "Just Let Go"

Just Let Go

Spirit, where does the road go now?

Let go.
Just let go…

Let it all go:
Hopes for the future.
Regret for the past.
Expectations for the present.
Just be in the space of no-thing-ness.
No focal point, just Be-ing-ness.
No framework,
no scaffolding of thought or plan.
No “life” – as in “get a life.”
Just Be-ing,
riding the Wind, following the River.

Can you let it all go and just be… just live…
without wanting more or different,
without wanting to change what is?

Can you live life without the way you want it?
Can you let go of wanting?
Can you just let go?

Can you live – just as it is?

I don’t know…
came the thought,
I don’t know…

and the echo –
Just let go~~~

Mystic Meandering
Copyright May 17, 2009

Photo Copyright by Christine Kennedy

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ride The Wind

Since Yodi’s passing I have been orbiting around to the dark side of the moon – unable to see anything with clarity – struggling – unable to relax into the space of deep Stillness and just listen - and therefore suffering. I know this is the mind caught on sticky paper.

From the dark side of the moon I have been asking to be shown the Truth about the struggle. There hasn't been a clear response. I seemingly slipped just outside the contact zone. Hello – Houston?

This morning I received one of many forwarded emails. It was an article someone had sent me by Adyashanti called, “The Awakened Way”, from his Teachings section, under “Writings” on his website. It reads in part:

“The only thing that will move you… is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It’s simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment. That breeze changes the orientation of your life, moment to moment to moment, simply because that’s the way life’s moving. And… you have no argument with the way it’s moving because it is the same as you are.

Truth never explains why it’s moving that way at that moment. And if you ask, it won’t give any information. It would be like a leaf asking the wind, “Why are you moving that way right now?” The question doesn’t make any sense to the wind.”

What struck me the most was the part that says that the leaf doesn’t ask why it is being blown the way that it is, it just goes the way the wind is blowing it… The leaf doesn’t ask: “Why am I struggling?, as if it were entitled *not* to struggle in the rawness of the winds that blow through.

I shared the above quote with my husband over breakfast. He then repeated a quote to me that he had received, which said: If you surrender to the air, you’ll fly. I was beginning to have an ‘Oh My God’ moment. I remembered an experience that I had had back in 1988!, when we were riding the Cape May Ferry from Lewes, Delaware to Cape May, NJ just for the fun of it. That particular day I had a headache, and was a little hesitant as I also get sea sick. My husband on the other hand was very excited to be out in open water. He chose a position at the bow, facing into the wind, experiencing the ride across the bay. I was in the stern, sitting on a bench facing off the side of the boat, enduring the ride, hoping it would be over soon. (Kind of like I how I “do” life – or how I respond to life.) Several people were in the back with me, feeding the gulls that were flying along side the boat. I watched and noticed that the seagulls just seemed to float along with the boat, as the people threw food in the air. I noticed that without flapping their wings, the gulls were able to keep up with the boat, and catch the food. Without struggle or effort, they were just gliding along. All they had to do was hold their wings open and the air held them. It dawned on me back then that all we have to do is hold ourselves open to life and Life will take us where we need to go! No effort, or complaining, or asking why, just embracing the totality of life experience – the light and dark side of the moon – the struggle as well as the flow. Like the leaf in Adya’s story, just riding the wind.

I so easily forget to open to Life, to ride the wind, and get stuck in the fly paper struggling; stuck in the contraction of the fixated, identified mind – believing my thoughts and emotions. So here I am once again, surrendering to the winds of life, bowing and bending to what is, allowing Life to live me with no agenda, no resistance – quivering and shaking like a Maple leaf. Some experiences are harder than others – like death and the suffering of innocents. And as I discovered, sometimes there are no nice, neatly packaged “answers.” Sometimes you have to live with uncertainty, and just trust, just tac into the wind and ride it, opening full sail to Life, no matter how it appears, allowing it to take you – struggling – and maybe through that discover a new way. And maybe you just sit with the struggle and embrace it until there is no more struggle left… Am sure the wind will show me the way…

Even as I write this I can feel the warm winds of peace beginning to blow through…

Heart Smiles - MeANderi

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Grocery Store Wisdom - Mindful Awareness

I thought maybe I’d be writing about loss today, in light of the recent loss of our cat, and the loss of a blog friend’s mother. But I returned to the necessary mundane activities, life continued in its usual way, and the grocery store offered yet another wisdom. So here I am with another edition of Grocery Store Wisdom…

I forgot to take my grocery list with me today. I’ve been in kind of a fog the last few days, as the emotions have rolled in and out. So standing in the produce section, realizing I didn’t have my list, I came into the present moment and started moving through the store, trying to remember what was on the list. I did pretty good actually. I only forgot 4 things! Not bad from a list of 35 items, especially when in the last few years I’ve found myself in the middle of a room wondering the existential question - what am I doing here? I guess I’d pass a memory test, at least for now…

Anyway, what I noticed in this losing of the list was that I became more mindful – more aware. As I made my way through the store, I had to slow down, look, pay attention and be mindful – pulling on those memory cells, triggering them with the visuals of the products on the shelves, or the directory signs hanging above each isle. Nope, not this one. Ah – yes – toilet paper. Wouldn’t want to forget that! I felt myself becoming more internally still, less mind chatter, more innately *aware*, more in tune with my surroundings. I was more acutely sensitive to what I was experiencing in the moment.

This happened to me several years ago as well. It was a Sunday afternoon. I had been reading a novel on the couch while a large turkey breast was cooking in the oven. For some unknown reason sometimes when I read novels I become more mindful. Maybe it’s because I get completely drawn into the story – forgetting my self. When I went into the kitchen the *sound* of the turkey fat spitting in the pan as it drizzled off the skin became an intense, delightful noise that enamored me for several minutes as I stood there – just listening – just aware of every delightful sound.

In my usual blind-folders-on approach to grocery shopping, and life in general sometimes, it’s kinda like being a little mole, blind to everything else except the items right in front of my nose on my list, or in my life. Just digging my little holes and burrowing in. In the ‘forgot-my-list’ mode my awareness expanded out to a more inclusive view of the whole environment that I was in, taking it all in, experiencing everything – willingly – even with a sense of curiosity as it all unfolded before me – as if it was something new. My field of vision became wider… Maybe I should leave my list home more often! I might experience something that I wouldn’t otherwise.

It appears that in mindful awareness life opens up, things slow down, and I actually *experience* life more fully, more completely. I feel more drawn in by life – like being drawn in to a good novel. I am captured by the story of life that is being lived in the moment, instead of just trying to get through it, or resisting where it is going. I seem to *see* more. It’s like awareness looks directly at the way things are and just *sees* - acutely sees everything as it is. I’ve never really experienced this so intensely before. Today I was made *aware* of how *awareness* can shift the experience. If you live life without a list – an agenda – you actually open more to life with whatever it has for you. You actually *see* life – moment by moment. Hmmm… No list, no agenda - just experiencing life with mindful awareness – the totality of the experience – the loss, the contraction of grief, and the mundane.

Heart Smiles – MeANderi