The other day I got up as usual and did the usual morning routine
with my sister - I'm her caregiver...
with my sister - I'm her caregiver...
I went upstairs to post a blog post - and needed to prepare
several photos for posting.
several photos for posting.
I sat in front of the computer, just staring at the screen,
not knowing what to do...
not knowing what to do...
I had totally forgotten how to prepare a photo -
what the steps were.
what the steps were.
I sat several minutes, blank, until I started to *try* to
figure it out again...
figure it out again...
I couldn't make my mind work!
I tried different things on the computer
until I began to recognize the steps...
until I began to recognize the steps...
It was a shock to me that my mind could do this! -
could go totally blank on something I've done
for 15 years!
could go totally blank on something I've done
for 15 years!
I'll be honest, no amount of "spiritual practice" can
prepare you for the sudden, startling awareness of
your mind's (and body's ) decline -
"spirituality" will not save you
from the natural order of life and death...
your mind's (and body's ) decline -
"spirituality" will not save you
from the natural order of life and death...
It starts off slowly - forgetting this or that,
a memory here, a word or name there;
where you put this or that thing, finding it
eventually, but not in its usual place...
a memory here, a word or name there;
where you put this or that thing, finding it
eventually, but not in its usual place...
Nothing can prepare you for the frustration of
your decline...
your decline...
When your legs don't want to work-
and you stumble and bumble across the floor;
Thoughts of wheelchair enter your mind -
or having to move to a one level home -
even worse - assisted living...
and you stumble and bumble across the floor;
Thoughts of wheelchair enter your mind -
or having to move to a one level home -
even worse - assisted living...
My once "got it all together",
"I'm on top of things" life
is falling apart,
a little at a time -
has been for several years.
"I'm on top of things" life
is falling apart,
a little at a time -
has been for several years.
Then suddenly there's a cliff - and
Humpty Dumpty starts falling off the wall.
What's worse is I'm aware of it - and know
Humpty Dumpty starts falling off the wall.
What's worse is I'm aware of it - and know
that: all the king's horses and all the king's men
will not be able to put "me" together again...
will not be able to put "me" together again...
And so I breathe,
and try to remember
that there is a Deeper Reality
beyond my experience,
and try to rest there...
and try to remember
that there is a Deeper Reality
beyond my experience,
and try to rest there...
But I wonder if I will forget that too...
Mystic Meandering
Dec. 8, 2024
Dec. 8, 2024
At least I can still write -
writing is my "therapy"
when falling apart :)
although the poetry
doesn't emerge
like it used to...
writing is my "therapy"
when falling apart :)
although the poetry
doesn't emerge
like it used to...
Being aware might have advantages as we 'fall apart' in seeing what is happening and being able to write about it lets the rest of us know what to expect...or have already experienced! Staring at the screen has definitely happened to me multiple times in the last few days, but then I catch the fleeting thought of what I intended, and either lose the post because of blunders, or am amazed that I can put something together, once again. My mortality is much on my mind these days. Maybe a function of nearing solstice?
ReplyDeleteThank you Barbara :) Yes, facing our mortality - for sure... And like you said, maybe it's a good thing that we become aware of what's happening in our body. I wondered about the connection to Solstice too - symbolically the death and rebirth of the Light... Blessings to you!
DeleteThe photos above and below are ethereal, Mystic! Ah yes … forgetfulness. Some have it even in youth. Sometimes it's due to too many priorities and thoughts vying for attention. Writing is one of my therapies, too, as is trying to challenge my brain to learn something of interest that is new. Overtime it's tempting to go sooner than needed into a cocoon. But perhaps fortunate are the caregivers as necessity keeps them moving longer. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Maria. At my age and body condition and too much stress in my life, cocooning sounds like just what I need! LOLOLOL. Actually I cocoon a lot out of necessity...
DeleteCocooning does sound like a lovely relief when you put it that way. Wishing you and yours a restful and joyous holiday season.
Delete:) Thank you! You too :)
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