The Primordial Womb of Stillness

It has occurred to me that not everyone may understand what I mean when I talk about being “in the Stillness,” or Silence. In my previous blog post I referred to “The Primordial Womb of Stillness” – and write about it in other blogs as well.. Recently I heard someone from a “spiritual community” comment that “stillness” was not for him – as if Stillness meant that he had to sit still, like an impatient two year old who just wants to run and play. This is not the kind of Stillness that I am referring to. Neither is this “being in Stillness” an esoteric idea that we just float around in the empty ethers of Nothingness.

For me Stillness, or Silence, is the Primordial womb of Being from which all things are birthed. It is equivalent to the words Awareness, Presence, Being, Consciousness, Spaciousness, the Vastness, the Formless, Existence, Isness, Knowing Awareness, Emptiness, Self, Source, Love – The Mystery. It’s not about being quiet, or sitting still, or sitting in stillness, or even meditating, although that is a part of it – for me. When I refer to the Stillness I am speaking of the deep, internal river of Stillness – awake, aware, dynamic, alive Stillness - that courses through us – the original Source of all being. THAT, that is the Stillness.

Stillness is not about being “quiet” – it IS Quietness Itself – the deep, internal, vibrant, full space of Quiet – Pure Awareness, Pure Consciousness that just IS. For me there is a movement to this Stillness – like the aurora borealis. It is not a dead zone, empty of life – but is the ground of all life. It IS Life…

It is the “Inner Being” that Eckhart Tolle talks about that one can feel experientially. And the voice of Stillness speaks when we listen internally – which, yes, may require a bit of the surface stillness as well. It is the Space of deep inward listening. It is a felt experience of our very Beingness. It is a dynamic flow. Ramana Maharshi refers to it as “the current.” I have recently referred to it as “The Rhythm.” Scott Kiloby refers to it as non-conceptual awareness. Adyashanti and Jean Klein call it – Silence. But it is the Silence that isn’t silent – the Stillness that isn’t still. You can feel it even when you are not “still” – even when you are surrounded by noise and chaos – even while doing mundane chores. It’s like tapping in to some internal channel, or flow that is always running, always humming - palpable. It is what sees through your eyes – the “stepping back into the Looking itself” in Zen. It’s called by many names. I just happen to call it Stillness because that resonates with me. And when I’m aware and listening, it draws me to it, beyond all the mind clutter, everyday chaos and the contractions of whatever experience I’m in at the moment. And it’s there even when I’m not particularly aware.

It is not surface tranquility. It is a deep place of rest. And all that’s needed is an internal gaze to see what’s really there underneath the surface. All it really “requires” is awareness – not sitting still. Although, I find that being still allows me to become more acutely *aware* of this Primordial Stillness within – the ever present Presence; as does creativity, and a myriad other activities. There are many ways of “entering”/experiencing the Stillness. Although technically we do not “enter” IT, it’s more of a relaxing in your natural state, *as* IT.

Like Awareness, Consciousness or Beingness – however one refers to it - Stillness is the container, or context, for all that is. Everything that we experience arises and falls back into this Embrace of Stillness. It holds and cradles all that is, as well as permeates all that is. It’s what invites us Home - to Itself. It IS Home. We ARE the deep Stillness, even if we’re not aware of it.... In good moods and bad moods, in contractions, fixations, in tragedies or in peace – it’s there underneath it all, inviting us to its embrace…

“To be aware of the embrace in which Existence holds us

is the greatest gift.”

Deva Premal

Embrace

Steeping On Stories

Gather round ladies. It's story time... Waiter, could we get a Zen tea, an Advaita straight-up, and I think I'll have a Mystic Mocha shake... And if the guy over in the shadow box would like to join us that's fine too...

Today I spent the day with my mother... I will spare you the details of my relationship with my mother, only to say that our "story" together still hooks me. It is a challenging and often frustrating relationship. I think at least one of you out there can identify with that :) And the older my mother gets (she's 81) the more she seems to be steeped in her stories. Conversations with her now have become one story after another (and often repeated) of how she has been victimized, of how she thinks people are out to get her, how others are not doing things right - translated, not her way. The me vs them stories, and other assorted tales which always seem to be a criticism of others. My mother is not the reflective type, so there has not been much awareness around all this. And I find I am getting irritated with her stories and storytelling of victimization and martyrdom. And this takes me to where I really want to go, which is that *I* am still caught in my stories. And so I’ve been steeping on this lately.

Most of the spiritual teachers say that when we "wake up" to who we really are, the stories dissolve, and we no longer *participate* in the story. That has not been *exactly* my experience. I know who "I" am - the pure Knowing Awake Aware Spaciousness, some call Presence, Beingness, etc. There has been some dissolution of old stories, but there are still stories - which my husband does a real good job of pointing out to me, by the way. I guess that's what husbands are good at - story detectors - probably because they do such a good job of telling them too! :)

On August 1 I wrote in my journal:

"I realize that I am still creating stories! And I realize how I get caught up in other's stories too... It's still about a "me" when I *know* it is not about me... hmmm. A story is about a "me" needing, wanting, grasping after something and not getting it and telling a story about that. It's a "me" and an "other" who is preventing the "me" from getting what it *thinks* it deserves - whether it's material possessions, validation, approval, acceptance, gratification, a relationship, etc. It's still the "me" seeking for something as proof of its existence, even if the story is about me achieving enlightenment. There has to be a *belief* in a separate self, a me, in order for a story to be told, to be believed, in order to be impacted or effected *by* "others, or events or circumstances." oooo - now we're cooking.

It seems we connect through our stories. In my family it's complaining *about* others and life. We've done it as a way of connecting with each other for years.

"So what happens," I pondered in my journal, "when I don't engage in another's story - or my own? The story dissolves, loses its power, impact, becomes a non-issue. AND - there is the risk that the relationship will dissolve as well. That there won't be anything to talk about - no connection." And maybe that's why it's hard letting go of story, because we use story to connect to others, to get a sense of self in relationship. So what if, there were no stories - where would we meet? How would we relate? Can we meet without our stories...?

A new insight also emerged in this steeping... "It seems it's really all just a story, no matter which one we're *believing* or telling - mundane or 'spiritual.' Once the 'Storyteller' wakes up, you realize it's all just a story. And it appears that the dream story continues. The only difference, it seems, is that you *know* it is just a story arising *in* Awareness. From the space of Pure Seeing - one *sees* the story for what it is - Awareness experiencing Itself *as* the story..."

One of my favorite teachers, Scott Kiloby, says: "Stories are not independent of Awareness, but you no longer *identify* with the story. Awareness *appears as* story. We can entertain the story without identifying with it."

And a blog I read recently, called Just Rest, put it this way: "It is a myth to believe that stories will no longer coalesce. It is just that as it is seen that these stories have no existence independent of Awareness, there is less and less identification with any of them, and a greater experience of Spaciousness.... Practice resting in that which is aware of it all."

My experience is that when I am resting in that space of Aware Presence there are still stories, but they don't matter anymore. I'm not *invested* in them, reacting to them, believing in them. And when I find myself hooked *in* a story again, it's like being consciously unconscious. Sounds strange I know. It's like being *in* the story, but aware that I'm in a story. Very interesting experience by the way :)

And so I wonder, can I meet others in that space of Pure Awareness, the place of no-story, no me, just Awareness, just Life expressing Itself, purely and simply without the need for a story of "me"? Or does it matter? Does that also mean no reading the tea leaves, no cock-tales or messy mystic meanderings?!

Heart Smiles - MeANderi

www.ASerenitySanctuary.com

Simplicity

I have been cocooning for a couple of days, allowing myself to be drawn back into a silky, soft cocoon of Stillness once again – resting in Awareness.

What wants to arise?, was the question that arose last night while hanging in this cocoon of Stillness…

Thinking about the wonderful still water with the grass arising out of it from the Shadow Shot on last Sunday’s blog, there’s a sense that I haven’t been waiting for whatever needs to arise from the depths of Stillness, to arise. Instead I’ve been on automatic – pushing and plodding through life, wrestling and struggling, not paying attention to the inner voice of Stillness speaking.

And in all that push of outward movement there is a sense that I have lost touch with Simplicity and moved into complexity of the mind again, into thought contractions that ripple through my body.

So spending time cocooning has gotten me in touch with the simplicity of Being again – aware of Awareness - the alive, spacious Non-Dimensional Knowing Awareness that is the “ground” of everything. Simplicity, for me, is a profound felt sense of this Beingness - with a movement through life from that simple Stillness - paying attention to what arises, and expressing that – not the *thinking* of it, but the arising of it from a deeper place of Awareness.

And yet I am aware that I create so much complexity *about* everything, getting lost in the stories of a “me” living “my life.”

Scott Kiloby says that thoughts that arise create a “self-contraction” – the sense of a separate self. I have felt this, and noticed it more having spent more time in Stillness these past couple of days. I am aware that when a thought arises in the space of still Awareness, a contraction occurs in the body. And in that thought something called “I” seems to rise up out of this space of simple Awareness – out of that still water. I feel the thought draw what I know to be “me” outward, *away* from simplicity – away from Stillness, into a contraction of some kind. They – thoughts – arise *in* this lovely place of Stillness and yet *seem* to pull “me” *out of it,* although I know that “I” am not separate from this depth of Stillness, this cocoon of Stillness that holds everything that arises, that allows everything to arise *in* it. Everything is suspended here in this loving cradle.

And still, the question keeps coming: what wants to arise here…

Everything. Everything arises from here, spontaneously, from this clear, silent cocoon of Being – like a wave rising up out of the Ocean, and yet not separate from the Ocean. Everything arises up out of and passes *through* this space of Stillness, if we don’t latch onto it and believe that we are the contraction that is occurring. And maybe that’s the issue – not fixating on and identifying with the thoughts that rise up. But to see thought within the context of this Greater Reality of Primordial Stillness that we are, just coming and going. There is a deep peace in this – a profound simplicity.

Trusting in the simplicity of Life,
let Life come to you…
Resting in Simplicity,
all things will find you…

Heart Smiles – MeANderi
http://www.aserenitysanctuary.com/

After Awakening - Keep Dancing

Many of us on a “spiritual path” have had many moments of “awakening" – little openings that allow us to *see* the Truth of Existence. I wrote the insights, that eventually became this blog, on scratch paper last December as I sat in a doctor’s office waiting for my appointment. Insights, or “awakenings” can come anywhere at any time. As I waited in the waiting room I reflected on how it seemed that I had been very *invested* in my spiritual search for “enlightenment” – for many, many years. It had been my life’s work, so-to-speak. In a sense I gave up “my life” (or what I call “my life”) for the search – *believing* the search for finding “awakening” was all that mattered.

There is an abundance of Non-Duality teachers and teachings out there, and what appears to be a lot of wrangling over semantics. Last Fall I was drawn to read Scott Kiloby and Jeff Foster – two of the top Non-Duality teachers. In doing so yet another door opened in this life-long search for Truth, except that it wasn’t what I expected. They revealed what I had heard from other spiritual teachers, like Adyashanti, Ganagaji, Eckhart Tolle, and Jack Kornfield – that there is just ‘This’ – Life living Itself in this present moment as it is. That there is no need to seek for“enlightenment” because it’s all just ‘This’ (Consciousness, Presence, Awareness, the One) *in* everything. And yet - we seek - until we don't need to seek anymore.

When I heard it this time I felt the full realization of it, as if for the first time. Something opened up and let it in. And, at the same time, I felt like a child that had been told there is no Santa Claus – well not quite as devastated, but certainly there was an impact that is difficult to articulate. I became unsettled, unnerved because the illusion had been shattered. If there is just ‘This’ and if I’m not *searching* for “It”, I thought, what will I *do*? My *mind* wanted to stay in search mode, after all that had been its “job” for quite some time. It had *identified* with the role and story of a “me” searching for "It."

In the past when I had heard spiritual teachers say – It’s just ‘This’ – I internally responded with: You’ve got to be kidding! That can’t be true! There has to be more than This! This can’t be it! I thought for sure that “enlightenment” had to be a big deal with Light shining everywhere, blinding me. But when I *heard* Scott and Jeff say, it’s just ‘This’ – Life living Itself, on some level I knew it was the Truth. It was taken in and absorbed like a healing elixir. Something inside awakened.

The word “ubiquitous” arose while I was sitting there in my seat, waiting, jotting notes. I didn’t know what it meant, so I made a note to look it up when I got home. (For those like me who don’t know, it means being everywhere at the same time; omnipresent). After reading the definition I realized that what I had been searching for is ubiquitous – always there, everywhere – right here. ‘It’ was never anywhere *else* needing to be found. ‘It’ just needed to be *seen.*

And so it appears that “awakening” is in some sense very ordinary, especially when one *expects* there to be some kind of transcendence into Light – ascension into an ideal Divine state of another worldly nature - a future arrival at an end reward for all the searching. It also seems that we can have many wonderful “awakening” *experiences* and still not realize the Truth. I know. :) The “final realization” (if there is one) it seems, is more like a discovery of something we already know. Oh – ‘This’! There’s a realization that the search doesn’t matter anymore. All the wrangling over concepts like “self or no-self”, “path or no-path”, “duality or non-duality”, “enlightenment or no enlightenment” just doesn’t matter. I realized that the “spiritual search”, which had started as a longing in my heart, had become a delusion of the dream mind. And, that the ‘This’ that I was searching for *is* revealing Itself *in* the dream of existence everyday… It was like a subtle awareness – a quiet knowing awareness that the dream continues even after “awakening.” Eventually there was a peace in realizing this – a deep serenity.

While writing my notes I remembered the words to an old Peggy Lee song (well that dates me doesn’t it!): “Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing.” But I wasn’t feeling a sense of resignation. It was more of a sense of rest, a resting in this new awareness.

I realized that when we really *see* that ‘This’ is all there is – the ever-present Presence living in form *as us*, we keep dancing - maybe to a slightly different tune, but we keep dancing in the dream - *aware* that it is the dream of Existence, dreaming Itself, playing the song. Life living Itself.

Just keep dancing with Life!

Heart Smiles - MeANderi
www.ASerenitySanctuary.com

Guru At My Door

I have wanted a personal guru for some time now. You know, one you can sit across from, face to face, and ask all the questions that you have ever thought to ask; to be instructed in the ways of life, meditation & spiritual navigation. These days you can get at least a part of this from reading and listening to “spiritual teachers” in their books, or on tape, CD and DVD, Internet satsang, and so forth. But of course I want the real deal to show up at my door. When the student is ready the teacher will come, kind of thing. I am unable to travel to places like India, or even attend local satsang with itinerant teachers due to various physical and health issues. It just never seems to work for me. But I often wish a guru would come to my door and instill me with their wisdom… The “mystic” identity dies hard…

Today, as I was hanging a load of laundry in our guest bathroom, the clothes I didn’t want to run through the drier, I heard the doorbell ring, so I went down the stairs and opened the front door. A small, stocky middle aged man with a baseball type cap on was standing there holding a clipboard and a plastic bag with a Schwans logo on it. Now - we have a “no soliciting” sign posted at the entrance to the walkway that leads to the front door. So of course I’m feeling a little irritated that this solicitor evidently couldn’t read the sign. And I can imagine the disgusted look on my face. I know, I’ve seen it in the mirror looking back at me and it’s not a welcoming sight! It says you have crossed my boundary, back away slowly, which might have explained his somewhat cowered look. But he was brave enough to ask if I would be interested in anything from Schwans. (Schwans, for anyone who doesn’t know delivers prepackaged, frozen food items to your door.)

When he spoke, the loveliest East Indian accent poured forth from his being and I melted. I don’t understand why this happens to me. My husband knows a woman from Nepal and I discovered that I can’t stop crying when she talks to me. Strange but true, so I don’t talk to her very often…

Anyway, I am now intrigued by this little man from India who I was able to discover has lived here since 1995 and obviously trying to make a living for his family. I am not interested in pre-packaged, frozen foods, but I am interested in hearing his lilting Indian accent. So I ask if he’s from India – duh – but he politely answers and asks me if I have ever been there, to which I reply, “No, but I have some spiritual friends who have. “Oh yes”, he replies, “there ar a lot of spiritual peopel dere.” I then boldly ask him if he meditates. To which he replies, “Oh yes, I medi-tate evry-dey. Dhats the only wey to get through the dey, otherwise I would do stupid tings.” I laughingly said, “Well I meditate too, but I still do stupid things.” With that he broke into laughter while covering his mouth with his hand, for politeness I assume. But I could see the twinkle in his eyes, and am assuming my face softened as we made our connection.

I still didn’t want the foods he was selling, but he took my name “just in case,” and gave me his personal number on a Schwans’ receipt. His name was Raj. We both broke away from the encounter wishing the other a good day. I closed the door and went back to hanging up the laundry. I found myself wanting to go running out the door after him. I pictured myself running after him calling out wait, wait, come back, come and talk some more! Come tell me of your wisdom, of what you know, of what the universe is about… Come, let’s sit on the cushion together… But alas he was gone, my little guru, who in our brief encounter put a smile back in my heart and on my face, and reminded me that meditating was a good way to get through the day. After all, isn’t that what gurus are for, to remind you how to navigate through life! I now hope he stops by again just to check and see if I want anything, or rather, so I can hear that lyrical voice that brightened my heart.

While I understand that gurus don’t literally show up at your door – necessarily. It is my experience that when I am “ready” to see something that I need to see, I will find the “guru” that I need, in different forms. For instance, 2 years ago, when I was ready to understand where the mind goes when it’s not in the present moment, I found Richard Moss’ book, The Mandala of Being and his online e-courses (http://www.richardmoss.com/). Last August I re-discovered Adyashanti in the form of his radio satsang broadcasts for a sense of clarity (http://www.adyashanti.org/). And in December I found Scott Kiloby’s book: Love’s Quiet Revolution – The End of the Spiritual Search, when I was ready to see that I had been trapped in my personal story, the story of “me”, the dream self. (http://www.kiloby.com/)

When we’re ready the “teacher” does comes.

Who’s knocking at your door?

Heart Smiles, MeANderi
http://www.aserenitysanctuary.com/