There is such a longing in my heart for the space of Silence – THE Silence that is the space of “Home.” Not that I *feel* “separate” from “It”, but it’s like living in a house where you never really get to settle in and enjoy it, because of the distractions of living. You never really get to just *be* at Home. Consequently there continues to arise this deep call of Silence – meaning – there continues to be a deep longing of the Heart for the abode of the Silence of the Self.
My challenge has always been how to honor that inner call/longing for “Home” (the call of the Self for ItSelf) without getting distracted, derailed, or sidetracked.
Does this mean the “me” is still “seeking”? I don’t think so. Yet I keep riding the rails of life like a hobo on a freight train going nowhere, past graveyards of past incarnations of beliefs that rise up now and again like ghosts, sometimes thinking I need to get off this train to nowhere and find a place to “be.” So I start rattling around the graveyards of old beliefs, looking for old identities and old connections that might give me a *sense* of being *somewhere.* But again and again I “wake up” and realize that it’s not there either: these old stones with their names and dates and their stories. They are not what I really want. They are not “Home.”
“I” want to go “Home.” WHO wants to go “Home?” The Self – Being ItSelf? And where is that? Does it have a location, a name? Does it exist? Can it be found? Does the train actually go there? – I wonder. Curious, I hop on a boxcar named “Emptiness” and settle in to its No-thing there-ness and ride some more – hoboing through states of mind and dream states, and newer belief states – spending some time warming my heart in the light of each of their campfires – but never really feeling at Home. There is still this haunting, no-name space of Silence that keeps calling… It knocks on the door of my heart in the silent spaces before sleep and rising. That’s when I feel it the most – this incandescent light of Silence in my Heart.
Fellow hoboes say this space of “Home” is right here, right now – you are always there/here in this present moment space. And I know that’s true. They say all you have to do is *see* it, *experience* it, be *aware* of it. Well, I know that’s true too. I have “seen” it, experienced it, and am aware of it - and yet, and yet – “It” still deeply calls to me. So I continue to ride the rails, following my Heart, enjoying the scenery, knowing that the destination is not at the end of the line in some mountain village somewhere far away – but in the inner caverns of the Silence of the Heart. Choo-choo ~~~~~
~*~
istock photo (Canadian Rockies Freight Train)
I enjoyed reading this post Christine and I relate to what you say. I also feel this longing toward the Silence of the heart, almost like a magnetic pull to this fathomless essence that is right here and cannot be captured in words or mind. I agree with you that this yearning feels different than the usual ego desires that take us away from true nature rather than into it.
ReplyDeleteI smile when I read your post because it calls to mind the book I have been reading this very day. It is a book I read nearly every day, it is called Silence of the Heart by Robert Adams. Robert is an American who spent three years with Ramana Maharshi from 1948-50. He also spent 6 months with Nisargadatta.
Tat tvam asi - Thou art that. We already are the silence and the home we seek. But so often I get on these rails that take me away from the source of being. Nothing for it but to get off and hoopf back to the source!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the flow today. It was truly valued - as are you.
Hi Colleen ~
ReplyDeleteI too have Robert Adams' book! I started reading it several years ago and got halfway through and then... well you know - life happens. However, since you mentioned it here, I found it in my book shelves and will be perusing through the pages again. Thanks for mentioning it!
Hi Christine,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. This certainly describes my experience :-
It seems the ones who are able to close this gap into this Silence with the success that is full (and empty) are those who are wholeheartedly immersed in some 'system' that supports them in a caring, supportive and connected way.
XOXO
-Leslie
Hello Genju ~ Thank you for the sweet affirmation and reminder. Yes, I'm following the pull and retreating back into the Silent caverns of the Heart - the Source . Although riding the train is pretty scenic as well. Lots of awareness along the way... :)
ReplyDeleteHi Leslie ~ Hmmm - will have to "think" about that one... I'm not a big fan of "systems." We all have to follow our Heart and find the ways that speak to us. Is Eckhart Tolle part of a "system" - How about people like Francis Lucille, or Jean Klein, or Peter Dzubian, Annette Nibley... I'm not sure "systems" are what "awakens" us fully, or leads us "Home," but wholeheartedly being immersed in following the call of the True Heart. Not that "systems" can't support us along the way - if needed. And some people find the structure of a system comforting - but "systems" come and go. And we can get sidetracked by the "beliefs" that the "system" supports - rather than seeing the Real ItSelf...
ReplyDeleteThank you for your offering!
Well..it sure seems it can run the gamut from spontaneous awakening like Tolle, or one-person shops like Annette and John Wheeler to traditional systems or global sytems like Great Freedom.
ReplyDeleteWho knows?...I think the centrifugal force of this One existence is beginning to suck us all in :- ah...hope...hope.
XOXO
-L.
such a clear expression of the longing so many of us feel deeply in our bones...beyond them to soul. and yes of course...we are always "here" "home" when we are able to stop and notice...but so much more energy/time is spent searching, wondering, not-seeing-hearing or listening to this moment, this breath. Life is so full, full of pull away from here and now and at the same time that pull just might BE the here and now we are longing for...even though it is not always lovely or silent or simple or sweet....maybe that is what's missing? recognizing that home is sometimes in the midst of the noise?
ReplyDeleteHello Laura ~ Yes, my experience is that the "pull" of Silence is the here and now of the Heart inviting me in, to look, to see, to Be. It is the invitation so-to-speak to just BE in the midst of "noise" - as you say. The point I was creatively attempting to make was that "Home" is in the "inner caverns of the Silence of the Heart" - not in some destination we seek, or the belief systems and identities along the way... Thanks for your comment...
ReplyDelete"Home" is in the "inner caverns of the Silence of the Heart"...phew...that's a short commute :)
ReplyDeleteThe reviews (on Amazon) for Adam's book are some of the sweetest that I've ever read...thanks for the recommendation and for this wonderful batch of blog posts.
XOXO
-L.
Hey Leslie :) ~ Thanks. The credit for "recommendation" for Adams' book actually goes to Colleen Loehr over at A Window is Where the Wall is Absent. She has a really good post on "The Attraction of the Eternal Now." (I think is what she called it). I read a few pages of the book last night. BE well :)
ReplyDeleteI've been on the 'train' several times to Colleen's place...sure are lots of great pointers to this...Now. Vince Flammini's latest post -- 'Just a Moment, Please' -- is wonderful. All God's poetry.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
-L.