Choice

I have been away for a while because life has taken yet another unexpected turn, and I am suddenly caught up in the consequences of someone else’s choices. I did not ask for this. Yet there is no other choice as I see it. This event is changing how I see and experience life. I am questioning everything that I thought was true about “Truth.” In particular – that Life is living Itself, that Consciousness is all there is. Is this *really* true? If that is the case, then would Consciousness have made these choices that have such dire consequences and impact so many lives! Who actually is making the choices that we make – especially the ones that can be deadly. Certainly there must be a difference between conscious and unconscious choice. I have not given this much thought before. I blithely believed that it’s all just Consciousness – whatever that means… But now there seems to be a challenge to that thinking. It’s not so black and white anymore.

On March 3rd my sister was involved in a domestic violence incident. Her life was threatened and she evidently either jumped or was pushed off her second story balcony. She has forgotten most of what happened. She broke her back and injured her neck. She is now in a back brace and neck collar. We did not receive a call from her until the next day from the CCU where she was being prepared for back surgery. Life changed in an instant for her – and me. I became the responsible party – not only for making decisions, but as a caretaker for 3-6 months. This is a role I do not want. It has been thrust upon me by circumstances created by life choices that were not mine. And yet, here I am. This is my life experience now and I am feeling the weight of the responsibility. It is a heavy weight… I am not able to simply “rest in Awareness” – observing, detached, neutral. My life has been impacted in ways I never expected. I have had to engage in a situation that I would not have chosen – or is that true? Was the choice made by the mere fact of the event itself – requiring these particular choices be made? It seems you just do what needs to be done without thinking…

I have been numbed by this experience, functioning like an automaton – doing what is obviously needed. And since she’s been home for the last 9 days – caretaking – wondering how long I will be able to stand the weight of this experience. I know the answer is: As long as it takes. She is getting physically stronger every day, more independent and fluid in her movement. And now the reality of the whole traumatic incident and its consequences: disability and loss of income earning ability, is setting in. She may be out of work for 6 months, and not able to do waitress work again. So depression, frustration and boredom have come to visit her. I wish I could make it all go away – but this is her life experience and I can’t “rescue” her from that – but neither did I want to be pulled *in* to her life experience. Yet there *is* no one else. The choice was made on its own really – out of necessity.

So “I” am able to be present – meaning – body/mind shows up, does what is needed, functions, offers support and assistance with daily needs, does errands and chores, which sounds rather cold as I describe it – it’s not really. The mechanical functioning is interwoven with caring support, compassion and humor. I learned to be a people pleaser/caretaker early in life, to “entertain”, to keep everybody happy, to make people feel better. This is part of the role I have slipped into once again. It emerged on its own really. But the song and dance routine is wearing thin. And it doesn’t *feel* like Presence. “I” am present without a sense of Presence. I’m mechanically functioning. So where did Presence go!? I seem to have lost my ability to “access” this deeper, wiser, intelligent, storehouse of Beingness. I keep waiting for the Presence switch to go on. Instead I have reverted to an old personality role, and the old feelings of anxiety about “being responsible” for others are suffocating me. Co-dependency 101. I haven’t been able to write about any of this until now. And silent time has been almost non-existent. There-in may lie the key… In order to deeply *listen* - to *hear* the wise voice of Presence one has to be still. “Days off” (2 in the last 16) are filled with my own activities of “catching up” around here, resting and stressing. I can’t seem to help that – it’s what my mind does – automatically – unconsciously; except that I’m aware that that’s what I’m doing. I don’t have the strength to resist it, and am barely able to “just sit” with the feelings. Facing into the overwhelming responsibility feels like trying to walk through a raging, blinding blizzard.

So here we are… There are no answers really – just, here we are – living what is presented to “us.” Is this what “they” mean when “they” say - all there is, is this - just this!? Something deep inside says there has to be more! There has to be a felt sense of deep abiding Presence that sustains one through times like these. Doesn’t there? Or maybe that’s just my wish to be rescued from this particular life experience. Some would respond that this thinking is the delusion… Yet it feels as if “this” that I’m living at the moment is the delusion – like being lost in that raging blizzard… Everything feels topsy-turvy. Toto, is that you? How did we land here? Hello~o~o~o~~~~

I am open to wise input here, as I realize I have most likely lost perspective in the numbing reality that has visited my door… I could use a few reminders of what life is really all about here… New ways of seeing are always welcome!