"Choice"/No-Choice - a meandering...

"... it is not necessary to accept the choices handed
down to you by life as you know it.  There is more
to it than that - no one HAS to do something he
doesn't want to do for the rest of his life."

Hunter S. Thompson

The Proud Highway

from Whiskey River

~

A Meandering...

While I would like to agree with the above quote,
from my own personal experience, there are times
when you are placed in a position of "no choice" in an
"untenable" (impossible) situation; some call it the
"choiceless choice."

That happened to us a year ago - because we couldn't just
turn our backs on a family member and send her out to
be homeless on the streets (as some suggested we do),
where she obviously wouldn't survive;  nor drop her off
at Rehab, where she refused to go.  We were told we
couldn't put her in a Nursing Home/Care Facility against
her will, as she was still capable of making her own
decisions - and made it clear she wouldn't go!
You can't force someone to go where they don't want to
go, as much as we would have liked to.  We felt we had
no other choice but to take her in, while looking for
alternative places for her to stay, that never worked out.

We were always told we were in an "untenable situation" -
because there was no other choice, no other workable option...

It is what it is - I know...  What's so is what's so - yes...

Accept and Navigate... okay

So we navigate the rough waters daily, struggling to keep
from drowning in an ongoing impossible situation..

~ 

Beware of simplistic answers to sometimes complex
situations that Life hands you...

MM

Blessings to all who are dealing with "untenable"
life situations and challenges...

_/\_

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
Foliage Mosaic

 

Choice - Jeff Foster

Friend, please, do not try to decide now.  Do not shut
any possibility out of your heart.  Honour this place
of not-knowing.  Bow before this bubbly  mess of
creativity.  Slow down. Breathe. Sink into wonderment.
Befriend the very place where you stand.  Any decision
will make itself, in time.  Any choice will happen when 
your defences are down.  Answers will appear only
when they are ready.  When the questions have been
fully honoured and loved.  Do not label this place
indecision.  It is more alive than that.  It is a place
where possibilities grow.  It is a place where uncertainty
is sacred.  There is courage in staying close.  There is
strength in not knowing.

Friend, please know there is simply no choice now.
Except to breathe, and breathe again, and
trust this Intelligence beyond mind.

Jeff Foster

with thanks to No Mind's Land

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Choice/No Choice - Jeff Foster

It's not that you have no choice.
Rather, the 'chooser' is the fiction.

It's not 'you' who chooses or doesn't choose.
It's life itself.  You are inseparable from life itself.
Undivided from the totality.

A star explodes.  The grass grows.  A mother gives birth.
A war begins, ends, begins.  A relationship breaks down.
People come together, fall apart.  An old wound heals.
Hearts open, close, open.
Like breathing.  Like the ocean tides.

We believe that we have a choice,
or we believe that we don't.

The planets spin.  The rain falls and stops falling.
Did we choose, or were we chosen?

Could it have been any different?
Can the rain fall backwards?
Can we un-say what we have said?
Can we un-read this poem?

Choice, no choice.  Those thoughts fall away too.
Into silence.  Into stillness.
Into the vastness of Being.
Into...

Beyond choice or lack of it, you are.

And you take the next step, or you do not.

Or you take the next step
of not knowing which next step
you will take.

And out of the not knowing,
the path becomes clear
if only
for a moment.

And then the Universe
begins again.

Jeff Foster

~

photo via No Mind's Land

Fall is Coming... Or is "The Fall" Coming...?

There are tell-tale signs in the air that Fall is coming. The date on the calendar no longer seems to coincide with what’s happening outside. There are a few leaves turning, and there is the smoky, woodsy-earthy smell of Fall in the evening air. Crickets are chirping less. The clouds are looking more like Fall clouds – that winter gray - as if readying themselves for the snows to come. But it’s still Summer here. Temps will reach into the high 80’s this coming week – actually nearing 90 they say. Summer is hanging on. The first week in October, according to the weatherman, the highs for the day will be 70 degrees across the board. Ahhhh – that’s what I’m waiting for – the chilly days of Fall, especially chilly, rainy, damp days… But so far, no rain in sight.

Internally Fall hasn’t arrived yet either – and I eagerly await its coming. Usually there is a feeling of inspiration, and a sense of clarity, of being energized from within. That hasn’t happened, as this body appears to be waning under the load of “family tending.” I no longer refer to it as “care giving” – but just tending what needs to be tended to. Friday I spent 7+ hours in the ER with my sister who was severely dehydrated. Her kidneys were failing. All because she had decided not to eat or drink for nearly 2 weeks – she *says* because of the severity of her back pain and the pain medication she was on that took her appetite away. And then she admitted to me, that it was also because the more that we encouraged her to eat, or asked about food, the more she shut down in order to gain control, until she finally put herself in such a weakened state that her poor body could not function. And I wonder, why one would want control so badly that they are willing to starve themselves for it – but obviously they do – they have medical names for it. Obviously there is a deeply unconscious mind at work here. And sometimes I feel like I am at the end of its emotional leash – and my rope, physically.

Fall reminds me of a threshold time, an in between place, a place of transitions, of liminal light, where the mantle of The Mystery wraps ItSelf closer around us – so IT can be felt, so we can notice its Presence. But the unconscious family dynamic here seems to muffle the awareness, dull the senses, and dampen the inspiration. The pull of the unconscious, and deeply latent emotional baggage, seems stronger than the pull to more quiet, sacred, untouched places within where inspiration of The Mystery lives.

I am certainly learning to surrender to “what is” – in ways I hadn’t anticipated. What else is there to do but surrender – to let go of my own unconscious need for control... I am learning a lot about choice, control and consequences of those choices. And yes, I do believe now that there are choices that have serious consequences being made by unconscious choosers. This does not mean that this “unconscious chooser” is in any way “separate” from The Mystery. It just hasn’t been noticed yet by the unconscious. But that’s another post. I’m supposed to be talking about the Fall that is coming :) – in terms of weather that is.

When one must be preoccupied with “family tending” somehow the seasons just meld into one another, awareness of what is Aware seems clouded, noticing the change of seasons with delight is less colorful, because the pull is towards the magnetism of the unconscious family dynamic. The ones who are most unconscious seem to have the most pull: the ones who do not act on their own behalf, who feel victimized and wronged by life, who reject any form of assistance, suggestion, or encouragement because it is seen as control. And control, for the unconscious mind, must be maintained at all costs, even by trying to kill the body – unconsciously of course. And "we" (the supposed enemy of the unconscious one) suffer the consequences of the unconscious right along with them – and maybe that’s part of the manipulation – to get us to pay for their self-imposed suffering. This may seem like a lot of drama – it is – but it is also life as it is – unfolding as it does. And I write about it because this *is* the reality at the moment. Life is not always “held together” by “spiritual glue.” Life falls apart and comes back together again all on its own, and you just learn to ride the waves…

So here we are in the sea of unconsciousness again – where the suffering of the unconscious takes place – waiting for “The Fall” of the unconscious; the demise of this bastioned inner sanctum of lost luggage. And it is seen that there is no intention or interest to claim its luggage by those who remain unconscious.

I truly look forward to the cool, clean, crisp air of clarity. It may be a long time coming…

Here are a few pictures reminding me that Fall is coming…

Oak Leaf and Acorns
collected on a walk...

~

I happened to step out our back door
one evening recently to this
beautiful sight of Fall clouds -
noticing the Fall air that
settles around everything
in the quiet of the night that
settles over the land..

Entitlement

Before I looked into the Reflecting Pool on Sunday I have to confess I took a dive into the Sea of Unconsciousness and mud-wrestled with suffering. It was not a pretty sight: lots of venting, whining, arguing in my head about my current life circumstances – bemoaning that *I* didn’t sign up for *this.* “This” meaning the need to “take care of” my sister for the past 6 weeks (and probably 6 more) - which I have written about before, so I won't reiterate the story... :)

My husband patiently listened and allowed me to vent and whine, and then as usual offered up the wisdom that stopped me in my tracks – that stopped the mind from its self-centered indulgence of suffering. He said:

“What makes you think that you’re entitled to have life different than it is?”

Whoa horsey – now that’s the perspective that stopped the gravitational pull back into the subconscious *belief* in a life of being victimized by life’s circumstances – creating suffering and misery. Excuse me while I wipe the mud off my face, straighten my clothes and get back up from the mud hole. It does happen you know, when we least expect it – we are blindsided by our own emotional investment in suffering – as if we were entitled to it.

Ah s0 – yes, I ask – what *does* make me think that I’m entitled? What makes me *expect* that life will go as I had envisioned… And isn’t it this sense of entitlement that causes this mud wrestling – this suffering? Seems so looking back on it.

Hours later I got another view of this sense of entitlement when the phone rang and it was my husband’s sister who literally takes care of their mother who has Alzheimer’s. My sister-in-law is struggling with having to care for her mother, as well as her mother’s loss of cognizance and awareness, AND with her mother not being who *she* wants her to be. I could empathize to a certain degree, although not totally. She is obviously resistant, struggling and suffering. That I could relate to. So I offered my empathy and understanding – knowing how life can take us in unexpected directions. And then I offered my husband’s words of wisdom *thinking* it would help. They were met with indignation and a declaration of disagreement because her *belief* is that we are *entitled* to be happy, to have life the way we want it, as if it was an expectation that life should fulfill. Oops.

And that’s when I heard it again – the *root* of suffering: entitlement and expectation.

As we shared our mutual experiences my sister-in-law then said: “But you *chose* to take care of your sister” as if that somehow lessened what I was experiencing. That pushed a few buttons. :)

My experience is – the “choice” was made already by life circumstances. There was no one else to “take care of my sister.” It was actually not a “choice.” There was really no choice to be made. I just stepped up to the plate to do what needed to be done. No heroics. Life presented the circumstances and I showed up. Not willingly at first. How could I *not* show up!? How could I turn my back and *choose* not to do this? That would have been the choice it seems – to resist where life was going, how life was unfolding – to say no.

My real choice, as I see it now, is in not creating suffering and struggle around what I am being asked by life to do at the moment.

Admittedly that’s been challenging - accepting life as it is, without getting down in the mud and bemoaning my experience…

But even in the mud experience a jewel is offered– a discovery is made: I realized this week that when I am with my sister there is no *thinking* that life should be different, that *I* shouldn’t have to do this, that *this* should not be happening… etc. None of that happens. I am just there, doing what needs to be done – present… And I don’t mean to sound magnanimous here. It’s really not about me at all. It’s about the experience. It all unfolds the way it does, on its own. And I actually find myself *enjoying* being with my sister, *engaging* differently. Wonder of wonders…

The new “awareness moment” now is that when I say “yes” to life as it is, and meet people where they are, there *is* a sense of equanimity that arises internally – despite my moments of mud-wrestling. Eventually the need to oppose, wrestle, resist, and fight with life dissipates – as well as the sense of entitlement. A different rapport with life emerges, one that is more embracing and accepting. This feels much better than mud-wrestling… sigh…

The adventure continues! And more discoveries I’m sure…

i-stock photo

Choice

I have been away for a while because life has taken yet another unexpected turn, and I am suddenly caught up in the consequences of someone else’s choices. I did not ask for this. Yet there is no other choice as I see it. This event is changing how I see and experience life. I am questioning everything that I thought was true about “Truth.” In particular – that Life is living Itself, that Consciousness is all there is. Is this *really* true? If that is the case, then would Consciousness have made these choices that have such dire consequences and impact so many lives! Who actually is making the choices that we make – especially the ones that can be deadly. Certainly there must be a difference between conscious and unconscious choice. I have not given this much thought before. I blithely believed that it’s all just Consciousness – whatever that means… But now there seems to be a challenge to that thinking. It’s not so black and white anymore.

On March 3rd my sister was involved in a domestic violence incident. Her life was threatened and she evidently either jumped or was pushed off her second story balcony. She has forgotten most of what happened. She broke her back and injured her neck. She is now in a back brace and neck collar. We did not receive a call from her until the next day from the CCU where she was being prepared for back surgery. Life changed in an instant for her – and me. I became the responsible party – not only for making decisions, but as a caretaker for 3-6 months. This is a role I do not want. It has been thrust upon me by circumstances created by life choices that were not mine. And yet, here I am. This is my life experience now and I am feeling the weight of the responsibility. It is a heavy weight… I am not able to simply “rest in Awareness” – observing, detached, neutral. My life has been impacted in ways I never expected. I have had to engage in a situation that I would not have chosen – or is that true? Was the choice made by the mere fact of the event itself – requiring these particular choices be made? It seems you just do what needs to be done without thinking…

I have been numbed by this experience, functioning like an automaton – doing what is obviously needed. And since she’s been home for the last 9 days – caretaking – wondering how long I will be able to stand the weight of this experience. I know the answer is: As long as it takes. She is getting physically stronger every day, more independent and fluid in her movement. And now the reality of the whole traumatic incident and its consequences: disability and loss of income earning ability, is setting in. She may be out of work for 6 months, and not able to do waitress work again. So depression, frustration and boredom have come to visit her. I wish I could make it all go away – but this is her life experience and I can’t “rescue” her from that – but neither did I want to be pulled *in* to her life experience. Yet there *is* no one else. The choice was made on its own really – out of necessity.

So “I” am able to be present – meaning – body/mind shows up, does what is needed, functions, offers support and assistance with daily needs, does errands and chores, which sounds rather cold as I describe it – it’s not really. The mechanical functioning is interwoven with caring support, compassion and humor. I learned to be a people pleaser/caretaker early in life, to “entertain”, to keep everybody happy, to make people feel better. This is part of the role I have slipped into once again. It emerged on its own really. But the song and dance routine is wearing thin. And it doesn’t *feel* like Presence. “I” am present without a sense of Presence. I’m mechanically functioning. So where did Presence go!? I seem to have lost my ability to “access” this deeper, wiser, intelligent, storehouse of Beingness. I keep waiting for the Presence switch to go on. Instead I have reverted to an old personality role, and the old feelings of anxiety about “being responsible” for others are suffocating me. Co-dependency 101. I haven’t been able to write about any of this until now. And silent time has been almost non-existent. There-in may lie the key… In order to deeply *listen* - to *hear* the wise voice of Presence one has to be still. “Days off” (2 in the last 16) are filled with my own activities of “catching up” around here, resting and stressing. I can’t seem to help that – it’s what my mind does – automatically – unconsciously; except that I’m aware that that’s what I’m doing. I don’t have the strength to resist it, and am barely able to “just sit” with the feelings. Facing into the overwhelming responsibility feels like trying to walk through a raging, blinding blizzard.

So here we are… There are no answers really – just, here we are – living what is presented to “us.” Is this what “they” mean when “they” say - all there is, is this - just this!? Something deep inside says there has to be more! There has to be a felt sense of deep abiding Presence that sustains one through times like these. Doesn’t there? Or maybe that’s just my wish to be rescued from this particular life experience. Some would respond that this thinking is the delusion… Yet it feels as if “this” that I’m living at the moment is the delusion – like being lost in that raging blizzard… Everything feels topsy-turvy. Toto, is that you? How did we land here? Hello~o~o~o~~~~

I am open to wise input here, as I realize I have most likely lost perspective in the numbing reality that has visited my door… I could use a few reminders of what life is really all about here… New ways of seeing are always welcome!