The Fabric of Fate - Rainer Maria Rilke

No experience has been too unimportant,
and the smallest event unfolds like fate,

and fate itself is like a wonderful, wide fabric in which
every thread is guided by an infinitely tender hand

and is laid alongside another thread
and is held and supported by a hundred others.

Rainer Maria Rilke

~

Perhaps each human life is fed by the underground spring
of a few experiences.  When we are there, we touch
something beyond words.  "They" make me who I am
to me, who I am under the personas I assume to negotiate 
my way in the world.

Rod MacIver

Heron Dance

 

Facing Down the Dragons - a meandering...

I knew this is why I keep entering "The Cave."  I keep getting
chased down by fear and anger - again and again.  I have carried
them all my life, in different forms, and I am exhausted
from carrying them - the weight of darkness.  I have tried many
 times over the years to lay fear down, to trick it, to manage it,
to numb it, to be aware of it...  But awareness of it is not enough.
  It must be faced full on - in all its disguises: anxiety, anger,
frustration, and stress.  But first, I had to experience the
Silence of Being in "The Cave", to prepare the way to open to
meet Fear, and allow myself to experience it all the way through. 
 I am not yet "through" the fear, in its myriad forms.
  It is an ongoing process.

"The Cave", or "sanctuary" serves several purposes.  It provides
the physical space, a room, like a holding space, and, is also the
inner space of deep Silence that is the foundation of seeing with
clarity, for entering into the exploration and investigation of the
hidden shadows of the self in the safety of the deeper space of
Awareness.

The first night that I sat with fear in "The Cave", many years ago,
I was amazed that Awareness curiously moved towards it, and 
experienced it.  Awareness was not afraid of the fear, but was
compassionate towards it.  A small opening of light came through.
I began to relax and allow the fear to be, instead of trying to
push it away.

The second night I sat with fear, I became aware that I am
somehow invested in it, an unconscious and habituated response
to life, although I don't understand why or the dynamics of how
that happened.  But I realized that there is an unconscious
pattern and a familiarity with fear that makes it hard to
"just let go", as some suggest, despite the pain that creates it.
It is such an ingrained, habituated pattern that in a sense it
has become the default position in my psyche.

In sitting with fear, I became aware that fear is the mind's view
of things.  It's the view through the lens of fear that I am 
somehow attached to...  Something needs to be seen more deeply
here, but at this point, these many years later, I am still blind
to it.

The third night I realized that anxiety traumatizes the body.
Fear is very visceral, releasing all kinds of fear hormones and
bodily symptoms that wear out the body...  There was the
understanding, over and again, that fear is triggered by thoughts
believed to be true, to be real, creating this physical trigger -
the body-mind's response to a mental state of mind - a biological
response to the mind's view.  The body-mind mechanism
automatically defaults to anxiety with its resulting physical
felt experience of trauma.  Even the *thought* of facing the fear
creates fear.  It is so uncomfortable physically that it is hard to
face this construct of fear without spiraling into panic.

And I realized - once again - that despite many "awakenings",
much of the time my life is still fear driven by this underground
electrical current - short circuiting everything in its path.  
Anxiety has become an entrapment, a prison - a private self-torture
of and by the mind...

I have seen all these insights before and yet there is still "fearing",
even now as each new life experience arises.

What is the remedy I asked:

These words emerged from within, from the Deep Silence:

Follow the Fear.  Let it take you deeper.  Deeply attend to it.
Explore the tendrils of it.  Allow yourself to *fully* experience it.
Watch how it plays itself out: where it goes, what it tells you,
where it leads the mind and body.  Trust where it takes you.

Mystic Meandering
originally written 2010
updated 2024

~*~

"In order to transform our fears
we must be willing to enter the cave
of the Blue Dragon.
There we come face to face
with our despair
and all aspects of the mind...

Standing at the mouth of the cave
of the Blue Dragon
and yelling 'I'm not afraid'
is not the same as entering it
with compassion for who (what)
we will find."

Genju -  108zenbooks

~*~

"It takes exhaustion to stop running...
to surrender and be led within
deeper and deeper into the journey,
the dazzling, dark journey into ourselves..."

Ameeta - Self discovering self

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

a sheet of scrapbooking paper
color digitally inverted

Fleeting Whispers...

Her past fades away -
mere images in a dreamland -
forgotten...

Her world fades away - unbelonging now -
a foreigner on a strange planet
whirling through space.
Kabuki theater...

Her mind fades - not remembering
the things she needs to remember -
unable to articulate what she has forgotten...

Her body fades - unable to do the things she used to do - 

challenged keeping pace with life -
frustration...

Her life, paper thin, fades to a shadowy form
unable to hold its color -
losing its luster...

We are impermanent, fleeting whispers of spirit
on a temporary journey -
this life experience...

And sometimes that story doesn't go the way
we have in mind...

It all fades away - eventually...

That is the natural state of things...

So she turns her inner compass
toward "Home" - toward Source -
that lies within her...

Mystic Meandering
Nov. 26, 2023

 

Aliveness - Joseph Campbell

People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life.
I don't think that's what we're really seeking.  I think what we're
seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life
experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance
with our own innermost Being and Reality, so that we actually
feel the rapture of being alive.

Joseph Campbell
from: The Power of Myth

Celebrating 74 years of "Aliveness" today.
Thank you all for taking the journey with me
on this blogspot in cyberspace :)

Blessings to all my fellow "meanderers" :)

MM

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Lessons of Life - Philip Jacobs

There are several lessons that I have learnt from my observations
of life, that I wished I had known from the very start.  The first
is that you can trust the process of life and it's unfolding.
So many times in my life journey, I have experienced deeply
traumatic events that I could not see the purpose of at the time.
These events have ranged from chronic illness and the loss of
those I love, and loss of home. Yet when I look back on the
events from a fuller perspective, I always see how they led to
deeper insight and creativity that I could not foresee at the time
and they also pushed me into where I needed to be in life.  It
was as if I had been seeing the world just through a letter box
and could not see the whole picture.  I have observed this so
often in life, which is why I now trust life's unfolding, even if
I cannot see or understand it at the time.

That leads to my second insight, which is that things never 
turned out the way I anticipate them.  When the future prospects
have looked very grim, at a certain point there has always been
an unforeseen intervention that makes the outcome quite
different from what I would have expected.

The third and most important of my life lessons, is quite
simply that I'm not who I think I am.  It's as if there are two
of me.  One identity I call "Philip." [my identity in time.]
  Philip is a man and an artist and does Philip things, like
designing textiles and looking for dinosaurs and Hiroshige
paintings. But behind Philip there is another identity that
quietly observes the ever changing drama of life, all without
comment. It was there when I was five and it's exactly
the same when I'm sixty five.  Compared to Philip,
this other identity is like the still depths of the ocean.  Like
the ocean it is totally still, even when a life storm rages on the
surface.  This other identity is also always unconditionally
happy.  Almost like happiness just shines out of it, and it takes
great delight in everything it encounters: people, nature, art,
animals, etc.  The art of life I've discovered is knowing that
your true identity is this much deeper unchanging sense of self.
It is necessary in life to play the "Philip" role, but at the same
time to have the background awareness that what you really
are is this great ocean of stillness, which in a strange way also
includes everybody and everything.

Sometimes when life is very difficult it is as if the curtain of
time parts and we become aware of the underlying mystery
that has been there all along.  This can also happen with great
beauty, such as when we look up at the night sky at the
vastness of the night sky.  It is as if the boundary between
"self" and "other" dissolves and we see that we are the whole
universe.

So when you are in the middle of the life dance and it seems
overwhelming, remember your real identity that is always
present as your safe place and true home and that is always
beyond trauma and illness.  It is even beyond birth and death.

Philip Jacobs
Sufi

with thanks to No Mind's Land

and photo too...

 

Tea with "Z"...

Today I had tea with "Z" - a wonderful Fellow Traveler who helps
me to see the "Truth" beyond my life-experience.  He helps me 
unwind the mind when I get a little too wound up in the thought
function of trying to figure it all out, and in my over vigilance about
the words I'm using, trying not to sound "dualistic, or "non-dualistic."
I sometimes find it hard having tea with "Z" because he tends to
deconstruct all the conceptual fabrications that I have built around
myself.  He points out to me, in the most non-judgmental ways,
where I am still hiding behind the words - defending, explaining,
clarifying - in an attempt to be "spiritually correct" so as not to
offend, so as to be understood, and where I'm still caring about how
I'm being seen.  Sometimes in this allowing myself to be seen in
the places where I am still attached there is an incredible feeling of
vulnerability, and a wanting to contract, to not see or be seen.  But
today "Z" invited me to see in a way that helped me let go of all
that.  (And here I want to explain that "we" really don't "let go" of
anything.  It dissolves when it is truly seen.  So you see the kinds
of word games I get into here, wanting to be sure you know that
I'm not caught in some dualistic way of thinking and expressing...:)

Anyway, what "Z" offered me in all my wrangling and entanglement
in thought and words today is this:  Who is having the thought that
you have to figure it out, that you have to know, that you have to be
vigilant about your words, about life?  What part of you says what
you know is not enough, that who you are is not enough, that the
way you express is not "right"?  In the moments of silence that
followed as I "checked in" internally (tea with "Z" is very
experiential:), I met the "internal monitor" - this hyper-vigilance
about languaging and expression, the "aspect" that tends to want to
monitor everything I do and say - and - I met the belief in 
inadequacy, in "not good enough."  And in that moment of meeting
them I saw that all there actually is, is Embrace.  There is only a
deep, compassionate Embrace for these "aspects" of the self. There
is just Embrace embracing, holding this vigilance, this
inadequacy, this not good enough belief.  In the seeing of this
all the contractions around the concepts relaxed - let go of me. 
In that moment of seeing I realized that what I had been struggling
with doesn't matter - the words, the vigilance, the inadequacy -
because it's all just being embraced - all the thinking and feeling
and expressing and doing.
There's only Embrace of all that is, as it is.  There is only
"The Mystery" revealing ItSelf in every expression.  It was what
I bring my attention to that fuels it into a fire of thought vigilance,
or thought frenzy that obscures the seeing of the Embrace.  I contract
into, become fixated on, and identified with those objects of attention,
unable to see beyond them; seemingly unable to experience the
Embrace of it all.

In this incredible opening of a doorway into seeing clearly there was
a sense of translucence, of everything being seen through - as it is -
just thought forms, or objects in Embrace, in Consciousness, in 

Awareness (sorry, the word thing again :) that are utterly translucent.
And with this also came the realization that I don't need to to explain or
clarify anything.  And then "Z"'s absolutely lovely words emerged into
clarity: "Don't focus on the words, on the thoughts, on the concepts, just
keep bringing your attention to the Embrace that holds it all."

In wordless wonder...

July 30, 2009

"Z" is Mitch Rosacker, now a professional, what I call a "perspective
changer" - or - "spiritual therapist" :) - although he may cringe at those
words.  He has his own practice called Self Discovery Studio - which
is lovingly known as the Ashram of Inverness. His apporach is
spiritually creative, sensitive to where you are, insightful, intuitive,
 encouraging and freeing.  He is also an artist by nature using art as a
way of opening to "The Mystery" within... 
I've sat with him many times over the years.

MM

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
enhanced with Luna Pic

 

Experience is a River - Mark Nepo

 Experience is a river that never stops coming.
Often we need to empty ourselves of conclusions, judgments
and preconceptions in order to meet whatever comes our way...

[We] must carry less - must put down the wounds that clog
and weigh the heart.  We must risk being touched [by life].

...letting go is not just about putting things down.
On a deeper plane, letting go is about letting your heart crumble,
about letting yourself be rearranged by the journey of being alive.

 It simply allows us to change.
It is a call to enter the unknown.

When we can admit who we are, and give voice to what lives
inside of us, [all that we feel and experience], that very act
opens us like an inlet and lets the depths of being rush in.
For in admitting who we are lets the mysteries of life enter us.
We are talking about the authenticity of being...

Mark Nepo
excerpts from - The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live
an Authentic Life

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

A Symbolic Universe - Ernst Cassirer

...man lives in a symbolic universe.  Language, myth, art,
and religion are parts of this universe.  They are the varied
threads which weave the symbolic net, the tangled web of
human experience.  All human progress in thought and
experience refines and strengthens this net.  Physical reality
seems to recede in proportion as man's symbolic activity
advances.

He has so enveloped himself in linguistic forms, in artistic images,
in mythical symbols or religious rites that he cannot see
or know anything except by the interposition of this
artificial medium.  His situation is the same in the
theoretical as in the practical sphere.  Even here man does
not live in a world of hard facts, or according to his immediate
needs and desires. He lives, rather, in the midst of imaginary
emotions, in hopes and fears, in illusions and disillusions, in
his fantasies and dreams.  'What disturbs and alarms man,'
said Epictetus, 'are not the things, but his opinions and fantasies
about the things.'

Ernst Cassirer

German Philosopher

From - An Essay on Man:
An Introduction to a Philosophy of Human Culture

via - The Beauty We Love

~

Fun-Qi Art - 2009

Craypas oils
done with fingers

Realization - Darryl Bailey

You simply need to acknowledge the life experience you already have.
Most people do not acknowledge, in any clear way, what their life
experience is or has been.  This acknowledgement is not about coming
to another idea or description.  It's not about a focus on new and
complicated thoughts.  It's a simple acknowledgement of something
we already know.  It's about realizing the vital, moving, shifting
liveliness that this moment is.

The basic happening of this moment is a moving, shifting, dancing
event presenting itself.  Even if we don't call it anything - if we
make no attempt to do it - it still happens.

[.....]

Everything is changing.  Whether it's a body, a thought, a mood,
a situation, a relationship, a career, and so on, everything is changing.
Atoms, chairs, planets, galaxies - it doesn't matter what it is - it has
an apparent beginning, ageing, and ending.  Even the sense of
existing disappears every night.  All forms that appear to exist are
moving on to some other appearance.

What is has no form.

...There is no storyline.  No one is doing the happening.  It's a formless,
buzzing, pulsing, tingling - a streaming, flowing event.
That's all there is.

No matter how much you think you've created this basic happening,
you haven't.  It doesn't matter how many meaningless sounds get
attached to illusions of form, all of this is formless and beyond any
possible explanation.  You can call it no-self, or God, or whatever you
feel you have to; words aren't that important.

Without forms and labels what is there to question?  What is there
to describe?  There is only an inexplicable, formless dance
presenting itself...


Darryl Bailey

Excerpt from his writing - "Realization"

~

Photo - pattern created by a visualizer
to the sound of music playing... :)

Intensity...

As I intuited – 2014 is turning out to be an intense time already! – roaring in - creating many “thresholds” already: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and familialy.  My word for the year is evidently “threshold.” J  I somehow *knew* there would be much to face personally this year, and much that would be opened within me because of it, and not what I anticipated.  Can I do it gracefully?  I don’t know.  All I can do at the moment is to give in to Grace and follow Her through the many doors…

Facing these current thresholds is bringing up a lot of intensity, as well as opportunities to go through each door with a different awareness of Life, Being, and “The Divine” - leaving behind what is irrelevant and uneccessary as I attempt to step through - diving deep into a new intimacy with “The Mystery”, grabbing onto “the rope of God” as Rumi calls it – and holding on. J

Much of it I am incapable of articulating at the moment, but once on the “other side” – if there is an “other side” J – I hope to write something coherent and intelligible of my experience with life, as it is being presented to me, and how I navigate it…

In the meantime, here’s a few hints in some interesting abstract contemplative photos that I took around the house with the play of Light on the walls, along with some Rumi poetry and a quote from Coleman Barks from The Soul of Rumi …  The top photo kind of reminds me of a fast moving train on tracks…  Yes?  Maybe? J LOL … See what other “images” you can see in a couple of the photos below J 

Okay, I'll give you a little hint :)  This next one looks like a hand reaching up.  And the last one a white bird flying...  The others I'm not sure about...  It's all a matter of perception anyway... :)

“Don’t let others lead you.

Reach for the the rope of God…
Put aside self-will…

Don’t insist on going where you
*think* you want to go.
*Ask* the way to the spring…”

Rumi

God is extremely subtle.
There are ways of understanding without forms,
an ocean of subtlety…

Rumi

“Rumi does not stress the *distance* between
human beings and God – the absolute -
but rather a * remembered intimacy*,
the original agreement in which
friend and friendship become
one sea-change union.
He does not stress prayer
so much as continous conversation
with our real Consciousness
beyond time and space.”

Coleman Barks
The Soul of Rumi

“There is a cure,
an individual medicine,
not a social remedy.
Sit quietly,
and listen
for a voice
within
that will say:

Be more silent.

As that happens,
your soul
starts
to
revive.”

Rumi

Pain and "The Way of Things..."

The last few days I’ve become acquainted with pain and “the way of things” – as spiritual teacher Ram Dass calls it - which sounds much nicer than the dismissive phrase - “it is what it is” - that I have often heard in terms of the way life goes.

Today I was supposed to take my mother for her eye surgery.  But as it turned out my sister and husband had to take on that responsibility when my back went into spasm last Friday night, after another 3 hour doctor’s appointment with my mother and an hour’s drive on either end.  It was a pain worse than any I remember.  It went up the right side of the spine and around the right side of the rib cage.  Despite self-massage, back rubs, heat packs, ice packs, stretching, energy work, trying to find a comfortable position, praying my muscles would release their grip, the pain remained intense.  I finally gave in to pain medication at 5:10 am Saturday morning - after no sleep, and playing musical chairs all night.  The medication knocked me out for a couple of hours, leaving me feeling drugged – but the pain returned.  It wasn’t done with me yet…     

In the ensuing days I speculated that this must be my unconscious emotional resistance (and not so unconscious) J contracting against life as it is.  On the other hand, I thought, it may have simply been a matter of body mechanics, sitting in the car, and those uncomfortable waiting room chairs.  And on the other hand, if everything is exactly as it should be, then maybe this was a larger Universal Intelligence (which I would like to believe there is J) telling me I didn’t need to be in control, on top of things, always available, feeling responsible; that it was time to let go, to release this old role that tends to keep me in knots and a little “wired” as my mother and sister have recently alluded to, suggesting that my “presence” was not necessarily “helpful.” J That was an interesting reflection in the mirror. J

Or – just maybe – for the moment - it was just “the way of things”: Life playing Itself out as it does with no hidden meaning, agenda, or conclusion…  And yet I do feel like I was given an opportunity here to see things differently  – about myself and my assumed roles; as well as seeing the need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically and not try to be super woman for my family.  I also became aware that no matter how one *tries* to be “present” or helpful, if it cannot be done from a deep place of Presence, and only comes from the place of personality/ego, then it’s best to just back out of the way…  In this case, I was literally “taken out” – for whatever reason.

Pain has an interesting way of bringing us to our knees, dissolving defense mechanisms, and our self image: those lofty *ideas* we have of ourselves, like being “spiritual” or “helpful” or “present”, demanding that we surrender to the moment as it is – to look at things as they really are, including ourselves and how others see us – and being willing to see the truth of it.  Although will have to say I wasn’t that philosophical about it at the time.  I had no higher thoughts of “spirituality.”  I was just a person in pain, in the immediate experience of pain, tyring to do my best to ride the wave: sometimes resisting the pain, and sometimes remembering to breathe into the experience, allowing it to be what it was in the moment.   Resisting, allowing, resisting, allowing, again and again and again, all the while taking my pain medication with gratitude J, until the muscles finally let go of their grip - yesterday.  *I* was not the one “letting go.”  No matter how I *tried* to control the letting go by trying to relieve the pain, it had its own way, and its own time evidently.

And so it goes…  Pain, family dynamics, and life in the moment…  The way of things…

Allow

by Danna Faulds

“There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado.
Dam a stream,
and it will create a new channel.
Resist, and the tide will sweep you
off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry you
to higher ground.
The only safetly lies in letting it all in –

the wild with the weak;
fear, fantasies, failures and successes.
When loss rips off the doors
of the heart,
or sadness veils your vision
with despair,
practice becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being,
the whole world is revealed
to your new eyes.”

~

Photo:

Rain on screen through window
looking out at the back yard

What Lies at the Bottom of the Barrel...

I’ve been experiencing more of the “Winter Blues” lately. Have been feeling a bit melancholy, especially at twilight. I thought I hit the bottom of the barrel a week ago, but no, there was more, and it’s been very intense. So I had to look into the bottom of the barrel. There was something unexpected waiting.

Her visit wasn’t convenient; this being the Holiday Season and all where one is not supposed to be melancholy, dark, and sad – but joyous and cheerful. It’s not a switch one can just turn on, or off. Ho-Ho-Ho. I didn’t intend to feel this way. She just showed up unexpected one evening and stayed 5 days.

Sometimes she was felt as heartache – a longing for love; sometimes a wrenching gut feeling of the pain and grief of an undefined loss that felt like a crushing pressure. She was every memory of sadness as a child – that usually occurred at twilight - and losses of loved ones over the years – remembered at twilight. It was as if I was being emptied out of every painful feeling and experience from the past. As uncomfortable as it was, I stayed open to her. I knew deep inside she was a “guide from beyond”, as Rumi calls it, and so I welcomed her in each day, sat with her and listened.

It was revealed that “Melancholy” – this Divine Miss M - was really a deep longing for *living;* for engaging fully with Life!; for connecting with and experiencing love for life, communing with life *in* the living of it, and allowing myself to be *absorbed* by Life living me.

I reflected that life has primarily been a series of events, people, drama, crises that I have reacted to, struggled with, and against, and felt threatened by over the years – consequently missing opportunities to love; withdrawing sometimes instead from the harshness and difficulties of living, thinking there was something “better” in being on a “spiritual path.” But I recognized that I never fully engaged with Life! And now there is this impulse to fully engage – to creatively engage. There is a sense of urgency to *feel* life happening, to pay attention to life – in the waning years of life… The “how” has yet to be revealed.

After these insights, in sitting meditation, I relaxed and dropped into the Silence within, as I usually do. And in a fleeting moment I became inwardly aware of what lies at the bottom of the barrel. It was/ is “love.” I know that sounds trite. It’s not “love” as we have come to know it. It’s not the “in love” kind of love that oscillates and changes; or the sweet ooey-gooey kind of love that is just words that drop from the tongue and onto the floor, missing the heart. It’s “The Beloved’s Love” – a steady, equanimous, sustaining love that is always present, never wavering. This “love” that lies at the bottom of every experience, thought, feeling, emotion, physical function etc., can only be described as a spacious openness in which everything occurs. Love enfolds life within Itself; is in a sense, “in love” with ItSelf – how could it not be. And we are the animation of that Love - loving. It turns out that “melancholy” (as with any feeling) is a portal, a gateway to - Love.

I only touched on this love briefly, fleetingly. In trying to capture it with my mind it escaped from view. But for a brief moment I was aware that Love resides in the depths of living – feelings and all. And what a surprise it was one morning to cut into a tomatoe and find this heart deep inside! The “gift” from beyond. :)

Melancholy stayed 4 more days – emptying me out and opening me up. And Love merely *allowed* melancholy to be here, embracing her - until she melted away into the twilight - the space between the light and the dark…

The twilight keeps calling to me to open to the space where Love abides – to keep recognizing it. Now I go outside and walk at twilight - not with melancholy – but *feeling* life living. And in experiencing life intimately, I experience the spaciousness of Love that lies at the bottom of everything!

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival…

A joy, a depression, a meanness.
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all,
even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi


“the longing you feel for this love
comes from inside you…”

“Love is the cure.
For your pain will keep giving birth
to more pain
until your eyes constantly exhale love
as effortlessly as you body
yields to its scent.”

Rumi


“Rumi tells us that the supreme secret of
the inner journey is the path of love.
If we can possess our whole heart
with contemplation of ‘The Beloved’
we will experience the wonders
and beauty of the universe.”

(I don’t remember where I got this :)

In Preparation...

I received an article in the Non-Duality Highlights Newsletter and I thought I’d share an excerpt from it. For me it is a good reminder of how to “prepare” for this upcoming life experience – our “second journey” as B calls it. I find I’m not as prepared for this as I thought I would be. A myriad of emotions are flooding this system. This heart is not so brave after-all. Oh I have my “plan” of being a “pioneering woman”, independent, on my own, living a contemplative life, adventurous – pursuing art, photography, meditation, writing, as well as doing all the mundane things that need to be “caught up on” around here – paying attention to house and heart that have been neglected over the years. But the heart is not ready for a “pioneering life” yet. It seems there is some preparation needed as layers of submerged feelings are beginning to release in waves. Last night I had a nightmare, or so I’m told. I don’t remember it. Evidently I’m already tapping into the well of hidden material that is rising to the surface “in preparation.” I knew it would come, just not this soon. I am not one to apply “positive think”, but this article gave me a clue as to how I might approach this new experience with its inherent uprising of feelings.

The article itself is an excerpt from a book called: Beyond the Separate Self – The End of Anxiety and Mental Suffering by Colin Drake.

Here’s the excerpt:

“What is required is a paradigm shift which will change [how one sees] the moment to moment experience… The easiest way to do this is to enquire into the nature of life, which entails investigating experience itself:

1. [Become aware that] ‘Life is just a series of moment-to-moment experiences.’

2. Any moment of experience has only three elements: thoughts, sensations, and awareness of these thoughts and sensations.

3.Thoughts and sensations are ephemeral, that is they come and go, are ‘things’ that are perceived.

4.Awareness is the constant subject, the ‘perceiver’ of thoughts and sensations and that which is always present.

5. All thoughts and sensations appear in awareness, exist in awareness, and subside back into awareness. Before any particular thought or sensation there is effortless awareness of ‘what is’: the sum of all thoughts and sensations occurring at any given instant. During the thought or sensation in question, there is effortless awareness of it within ‘what is’. Then when it has gone there is still effortless awareness of ‘what is.’

6. So the body/mind is experienced as a flow of ephemeral objects appearing in this awareness. Any external object or thing is experienced as a combination of thought and sensation. It is awareness of these thoughts and sensations that constitutes our experience.

7. Therefore, this awareness is the constant substratum in which all things appear to arise, exist and subside. All living things rely on awareness of their environment to exist and their behaviour is directly affected by this. Thus this awareness exists at a deeper level than body/mind (and matter/energy) and we are this awareness!

8. This does not mean that at a surface level we are not the mind and body, for they arise in, are perceived by and subside back into awareness, which is the deepest and most fundamental level of our being. If we choose to identify with this deepest level – awareness – rather than the surface level - mind/body - then thoughts and sensations are seen for what they truly are – just ephemeral objects which come and go, leaving awareness itself totally unaffected..."

~~~~~

I am also reminded by this that my “preparation” is really about getting back to the basics: awareness, openness, allowing and trusting. Bringing awareness to my experience, with its inherent feelings – and – bringing awareness to the inherent Awareness in which this life-experience is occurring; being open to seeing Life unfolding ItSelf in all of this experience through the viewfinder of Awareness – allowing it all; trusting this innate sense of Beingness that lives here – that lives this Life that is living ItSelf here; and REMEMBERing that That is who “I” am within this whirlwind of thought, feeling, and emotion…

At this point life is a blur, as I am beginning to experience this experience as a “death” of sorts; a death of a way of life, its conditionings and attachments – with the necessary losses, sadness and grief that accompanies that; as well as the anxiety and uncertainty for a life-experience yet to be lived. Yet I know that this “death” that is about to occur is absolutely necessary for the Kindling of Life…

Once again stepping into the unknown…

~*~


For a wonderful piece on “story” read the post at
Grace Is Now

On the Threshold...

Coming to the “end” of another cycle of time, another wrinkle in timelessness, I am feeling like I’m on the threshold – of what I don’t know – just that feeling of “something” intangible, unknowable, where everything stops for a moment in time – the still-point – before allowing “me” to move, to take the next step more deeply into the “Mystery” - however we all know that to be for ourselves…

This year has certainly provided many opportunities for looking more deeply into my heart and mind, and all the baggage that has been packed away there. And more opportunities to see the thread of Awareness that runs through them, that I must admit I did not always *see* - but instead got caught up in the waves and stories of life as they crashed through my nicely erected walls, trying to break through the veils of illusions that confined me.

There were many things that knocked on this door this year that were not welcome visitors, but ones which I had to let in anyway and offer them my time and attention as they each offered me an invitation to open to The Heart more and more. I can’t say I was successful in the least, but cracks opened in the walls allowing more light to get in. Isn’t that how the light gets in, through the cracks and crevices that life events tend to leave behind? Or so Leonard Cohen says.

Everyone in my family experienced life changing events this year - little cracks in their walls. It started with my brother nearly being killed in a skiing accident in February. Then just 2 and ½ weeks later in March, my sister broke her back as she jumped off her second story balcony to escape domestic violence. She is nearly fully recovered by the way, physically and emotionally, and is now living with my mother, hoping to find employment in January. My mother underwent two eye surgeries this year - leaving this strong willed woman dependent, requiring my presence nearly 24/7 until my sister moved in. These life events challenged me in ways I never expected physically, emotionally and spiritually. My old issues of being the rescuer, and feeling responsible for caretaking everything and everyone emerged for a look-see. Many freeing opportunities there.

And last, but not least, my husband’s consulting, web development, videography and video editing businesses were unable to keep us afloat and the ship sank leaving us bankrupt. Now that was a crack I could have done without. I thought those cracks were supposed to let light in, not water! But there it was, life as it is – sinking, cracks opening wider and wider – the light, or should I say, the waters gushing through the crevices. And all I could do was let go of all my ideas of how life was supposed to turn out. I’m still learning to live life as it is… This is a harder opening…

And then there were the softer openings that opened this heart to more Light: the “Window Sitting” and all the wonderful insights that came through the Window. Yeay! I can hardly wait for Spring to come so I can get back to the Window. And of course, “The Cave” for the winter months – where I am learning to meet the deeper, darker spaces, like fear, anger, and uncertainty. And where I’m also deepening into Silence, Stillness, the Light of Awareness, and the Heart of the Cosmos - some nights better than others at this point. And, best of all, getting to know new blogger friends sharing this Path – or no-path as the case may be – as we follow the Stream of Life, in whatever ways we do…

I am especially grateful for my blogger friends. You have inspired me with your blog posts and comments! Sanity in a sea of insanity. Reminders in moments of unconsciousness. Inspirations that lifted me and allowed me to *see.* Wonderful Heart Openers you all are, and I am so grateful for your Presence! I know many of you have also faced some really deep challenges this year as well, surfing the waves of life. I admire each of you for your courage and openness to the way things are, in the face of the unexpected directions life tends to take… You have been the invitation to open this heart to do the same.

And just a note on the picture here. :) I decided to post the picture of the mouse in the maze again (from the Freedom post) because it reminds me of the way life feels sometimes, like an endless maze. We try to find a way out, to find that one opening that will set us free and end our suffering. But sometimes instead of following the well-worn pathways that go nowhere, we have to lift our heads up and look over our self-created walls, and see that what we wanted (The Big Cheese, Enlightenment, The End of Suffering, Awareness, Love, Freedom, Life) is already right there, just waiting for us to notice – even if it doesn’t look the way we expected it to. I’m still learning this one!

Heart Hugs to you all!

~*~

"Cave Writings" - Freedom

Everything that happens
is an invitation to

Freedom…

Every life experience
is an invitation -
to rest in the ground of Being -

Freedom…

Everything is an invitation to
see differently,
relate differently,
engage differently,
function differently,
from the foundation of our Being.

~ to see beyond habituated patterns ~

Freedom…

It’s all an invitation
to see how life really “works;”
to see how the dream works,
and to remain unaffected by the dream…

Freedom…

It is an invitation to see
that only Love lies beyond
the wall of “me” –

to see
beyond the maze of the mind:
thoughts,
feelings,
beliefs, ideas, struggles,
illusions

of

separateness,
and stories…


Freedom…


~*~

Mystic Meandering
copyright
Nov. 28, 2010


Photo – a picture of a mouse in a maze
on a poster for “Career Transitions”
taken by my husband…

Dog Whisperer "Window"

Yesterday morning I looked out the window to see that one of the next door neighbor dogs was outside of her electric fence perimeter. She and her companion dog wear electric collars to keep them in their back yard - supposedly. But K’s was evidently not working. So she was sauntering through the neighbor’s garden – outside her limits – roaming around, enjoying her freedom.

I looked away from the window, thinking to myself - I did *not* see this - I don’t *want* to see this – because seeing this means I need to do something about this – this dog. (This has happened before – K getting out – me rescuing). I went to take my shower and got ready to do my errands. I opened the garage door and there was K – across the street in another neighbor’s front yard rummaging around – unbeknownst to the neighbor. Now I could have gone on my merry way, knowing that K would be roaming the neighborhood, getting into trouble, getting lost, or worse, getting hit by a car. But my heart would not let me do that. So I called to her and she immediately came. Now what. I brought her into the garage and closed the garage door. Now what. I got her water, and called her owner at work – got his voice mail- and waited – a half hour. After about 10 mins of waiting it dawned on me that our backyard was fenced in, so why not let her out there, as there was way too much stuff that she could get into in the garage that could harm her – plus now I couldn’t get out. So I led this hyperactive, panting, anxious dog through the house and out into the backyard, where she proceeded to get into everything that she could. We are not dog proofed here. I vigilantly watched her while waiting for a call-back from her owner, which never came. I called again and left another message – and waited another half hour – becoming more anxious about what to do with this dog. So I stayed out in the back yard with her. She loved the attention… The two dogs whimpered and cried to each other through our fence… My heart strings played their sad tune as well…

While waiting I thought – hey why not try connecting with the dog. I made eye contact with her and spoke softly to her – Being to Being. She responded. I became dog-whisperer. I stroked her while she panted and did her anxiety thing of pulling away and nervously circling the yard – running to me, running away from me. I finally got her to lay down on the patio while I rubbed her belly and laid my hands on her to hopefully help calm her. Once again she responded. And as I calmed her, I calmed too. I made eye contact with her over and over, telling her it would be ok, that she was ok – more for myself I think. We were both going to be okay. I was doggie bonding.

Not hearing back from the owner in an hour, thinking that K had settled enough, I left my husband in charge while I went off to do my errands. Kind of like leaving a husband in charge of a new born. He has no experience either and left her in her crib – the back yard. By the time I got back, a couple of hours later, the owner had retrieved his dog, apologizing profusely to my husband. (We’ve had a lot of dog problems with this guy.) It seems the “workers” at his house, helping with his remodel, had shut the electricity off so they could do the electrical work – and voila – K made her escape. Her companion had been so trained not to go beyond the electrical fence that he stayed. Hmm there must be something in that to see: What beliefs keep me in my pre-conditioned parameters – keep me from being free… hmmm… And am I willing to risk going beyond my self-imposed perimeters in order to be free… I need to look more deeply at this one!

I noticed other metaphors as well… Everything is a window, life is a window, an opening – inviting us look, to see, to experience, to join in the adventure of living and not shy away, no matter what the experience brings, or requires. But sometimes I do turn away from the window of experience, from the moment, from the seeing, because I don’t really want to participate, to pay attention to what is really needed to deeply attend to each situation, to respond to life as it is.

And the other metaphor? Well, how often do I make a Being to Being connection with others… How often do I look directly into the window of someone’s eyes and see the Being that is there – the Spaciousness… It’s easier with animals. They are so open, so willing to be met. Do I really meet others and *see* them… Do I actually *see* the Being that’s looking back. And do I allow myself to be met - Being to Being. Self seeing Self. Self whispering to Self: It’s all okay – all is well…

Everything is a window – a whisper to see, participate and respond…

~*~

There is a wonderful blog to check out called An Appropriate Response…