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in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Inner Compass...

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost my inner compass – in a boat without a paddle type thing – no wind to tack into and therefore, no movement. And it’s a little unsettling, even for a “meandering mystic.” :)

Having spent a lot of time in “the Cave” the last several days, in the space of silent Stillness, it feels as if I am being emptied out. It’s as if the burdens I’ve been carrying - the mentations and beliefs of the way life “should” be, of how life is “supposed” to look, of how I am supposed to feel, think and experience life - are being “laid down” – well almost. This includes the “laying down” of all my ideas about my so-called “spiritual path”, realizing I don’t want to be defined by any particular “path” – just wanting to follow my Heart. But the Heart is not speaking, so I am facing an apparent darkness - an emptiness.

I hear that is a good thing on the “spiritual path.” That eventually you have to lay it all down, all those ideas and concepts that you have identified with as your “self” and just step into undefined territory – the pathless path – the Emptiness Itself. However, in this space of not knowing, sitting in the deep Stillness within, just listening - where a lot of my “direction” usually comes from - there still hasn’t been that inner sense of *knowing* how to go - even how to Be - if that makes any sense. There’s just the space of no-thingness where everything reverberates like a deep echo. Helloo~o~o~o~o ~~~~…

I wait for something to emerge from the depths of Stillness - but nothing comes. There is only this sense of being “poured out” – emptied… And only being able to do the simple tasks of living… I’ve been here before…


So of course the mind gets worried, because the mind likes definitive direction, likes having structure, likes having answers, likes having stimulation – likes *doing* not being. So the mind starts questioning – what am I *supposed* to be *doing*? Maybe it’s a January thing. In the mind’s attempt to get an “answer” I even asked my husband – what do you do when you’ve lost your inner compass? He looked at me quizzically. I asked, haven’t you ever lost your sense of inner direction before? (I know he has, he seems to have forgotten.) But in his usual story-telling way he answered: Well, it’s like being one of those float planes in Alaska on very still water. And you’re just sitting there, floating on the water, waiting for the wind to come up. And then when the wind comes up the plane automatically turns in the direction of the wind and you know the direction you’re supposed to take off into. Until then you wait…

Okay… Huh! - mind said – really? Doesn’t this plane have an engine and a throttle that I can* control* the plane with? Is it really that simple – just waiting? But “i” want to *do* something about this – about this directionlessness that I feel. “i” needs to feel like life is going somewhere, like “i” is doing something – creating, expressing, doing *important* things… So I do a little of this and a little of that, but no, those aren’t it. I keep getting called back to “the Cave” - to Emptiness - the place of Stillness. Yet, even there, there seems to be a very deep sense of unsettledness and not knowing - and a seeming inability to reach Still Point - true North - True Self… Or maybe I just don’t recognize it…

I am apparently in a place of waiting – hibernating actually – needing to be very still and quiet. And maybe that is exactly my “direction” at the moment – no direction - simply waiting - for inner movement, the inner voice; waiting for clarity, waiting for the wind to come up; trusting that I am exactly where I need to be...

I wait – I breathe – I wait – for the whispers of the Heart, the inner compass to reveal the Way…


~*~

There’s an interesting blog post called Following the Moon:
Each Heart is a World

that is about the cycles of the moon and
“Forging the True Work of the Heart…”


Photo – Yes that is exactly how the shoes were!



14 comments:

  1. Beautiful inner sharing. Are we waiting in expectation or waiting in acceptance? Silly, pesky Mind. (((BIGHUG))) As I read also your poetic writing "The Rhythm", I am reminded of my own need to allow the natural ebb and flow...

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  2. Hello Darla ~ Probably a little of both :) But more "anticipation" rather than expectation - and just allowing myself to be in this space at the moment... :)C

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  3. Darla ~ just to clarify what I mean between the two - for me anticipation has a curious open quality to it, whereas expectation has the feeling of demanding, or requiring something to happen, or turn out a certain way. :)

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  4. Yes, you are wise to discern the difference...I find that "discernment" is with me, making its presence known, this week... :-)

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  5. Dearest Christine,
    Dropping by in this Dearest Christine Oasis and Space of Not Knowing to say hi. :)
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  6. Hello Dearest Leslie! Thanks for dropping by and leaving your Heart Light here :) Made might Heart smile * Love, C

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  7. ~ * ~

    Oh So It Is!
    Again and again
    We lose it ….. And then

    We realize we have been soooo
    Distracted by our opinions, our “values”
    Our cherished believes about ourselves, others,
    everything… Both conscious and subconscious…

    But Wait!!! No need to wait!
    Seeing this is the gate-less Gate

    Just exit … Stage Right

    Stage wrong leads deeper into
    Our neurotic fixations …
    Preoccupations
    Dissatisfactions

    And generally ‘feeling” all sorts of things
    Like my confusions

    That is mistaking my conceptual-emotional fixations
    For reality it-self

    Breathing into body awareness
    We immediately jump into a more open dimension

    Opening to the awareness of body … speech and mind

    Suchness Regained

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  8. Thank you Vereda ~ I find in this space of "waiting" - i.e. open, aware, listening that the whispers of the Heart speak - breathing me - showing the Way. And so I trust and follow the stream of the Heart (Awareness). There really is no "right" or "wrong" "exit"/way... There is only resting (waiting) in the space of the Heart (Awareness) where the Way is made clear... And then you realize you were never lost... The Heart always knows the Way ~*~

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  9. Christine
    Gratitude Appreciation!!

    Exit right and exit wrong are of course relative terms with overlays of surplus meaning … They also point to another dimension beyond conceptual categories … Like the dimension of being purely present in immediate awareness …

    This is like stepping right off the stage… (R or L) ...
    And out into the open space of pure and total presence in awareness ...
    The garden of pure delight
    Utter perfection ~

    Right or Left, Right or Wrong are really just props on the stage on which we play out our lives. “The Conceptual Reality” production


    Off stage, in ‘real life’ we enter the reality stream of another dimension … It’s simply being purely present in being aware …

    And then we can play with concepts
    Like arranging flowers, painting, or

    Arranging concepts into aesthetic arrays
    of synthetic meaning

    The sacred space you open up in your meanderings
    Lifts the heart and mind … & inspires to express it as clearly,as flowingly, as beautifully … as

    "There is only resting (waiting) in the space of the Heart (Awareness) where the Way is made clear... And then you realize you were never lost... The Heart always knows the Way ~*~ "

    And there it is!
    Perfectly shown
    Heart treasure

    Thank you
    Christine

    ~ * ~

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  10. Vereda ~ You make this Heart smile... Ah yes, stepping off the stage completely - into the Unknown... That's where "I" is at this moment - stepping off the cliff, free falling, knowing that even the play/story is included, embraced, allowed. Nothing is excluded. Thank you for meeting this Heart where it is in the play of life... With love and gratitude - Christine

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  11. Thank you to all the Dearest commentators above...all of your words are deeply appreciated.
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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  12. Christine...sometimes I think we're sisters, from somewhere. I know exactly how you feel, because you are in a place I recognize very well. I also dance around and around with the urge to find some kind of "something" to do, or be. Letting it all fall down is often the most difficult thing! I don't "wait" much anymore, or even anticipate anything...but I do notice the emptiness that I can't fill, no matter how much stuff I fling into it.

    Occasionally, this fills me with joy. :)

    Hugs,
    Maria

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  13. Hello Sister Maria :) It's actually not a "bad" place to be - this space - allowing it to be as it is... Getting in touch with the Heart more, rather than the head... I know, the word "wait" isn't quite right. It's like being in the space between the breath - the in-between space...

    Heart Hugs - Sister C

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  14. OH! Thanks for clearing up that 'wait'ing thing.
    XOXO
    -Leslie

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