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in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Monday, May 27, 2019

Haunted...


A kind of 'grief' has hit me again...
I'm beginning to feel haunted with memories of my mother's death,
how she looked the last few days, with eyes glazed over, struggling,
unable to make a connection.  I wasn't there to see her the last
morning when "she" died...  the person, the persona, the body...

But the "pictures" of the days before that I hold in my mind are
beginning to flash back.

I don't understand why she didn't go peacefully, even before
those last few days, when she lost her ability to speak,
her tongue swollen, unable to eat or drink without choking;
she had lost her ability to swallow.
She couldn't move her arms or turn in bed - as if paralyzed.
It must have been scary for her.
In those last few days I couldn't offer any solace or comfort.
It frightened me to see her this way,
because I felt helpless to do anything for her...
The body mechanism was dying...
The circuits of her brain were shutting down.
All we could do was wait, and watch over a period of days
as she slowly passed - still conscious, then semi-conscious,
then unconscious, then gone...

She would look up at the ceiling as if there was something
there, but she could not communicate what she saw.
And she'd look out the window as if to look for something
'out there.'  Maybe the beautiful woman that she said she
saw on the fence, when she could speak, who told her that
she was going to help her on her "Journey."

"Journey" well Mom...

So those are the memories I have of Mom on this
Memorial Day, trying to find better memories
in my mind.


Strange how the grief comes back to haunt you...

I can't overlay it with some nice "spiritual" belief;
It is what it is.  I feel what I feel.
Accepting everything as it is...
~

Photo - Mom in the hospital Dec. 27, 2018
less than 3 months before she passed at home
on March 21, 2019

4 comments:

  1. Good for you, remembering her, sharing about her. It's not quite a month, according to that note of yours. Sure you'll have many memories, and feel so pained, and nobody should try to take that away. But if I could hold your hand and let you cry and talk about her, I would. I wrote a lot of journals after loosing loved ones...and joined a grief group that a death dula held. I thought I'd go again, but for some reason I haven't.

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    1. Thanks Barb... It's actually been a couple of months+ since she passed, and this wave of grief came completely by surprise! I've been so busy clearing out the stuff from her house that I think it distracted me, for a while, and then had some down time this weekend, and there it was again... Hospice offers grief counseling for a whole year after, but I didn't find Hospice very helpful anyway, so don't think I'll take them up on it... This too shall pass. :) Thanks for your kind words...

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  2. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom! It's one of the most difficult losses to deal with... We have the longest relationship (in time), and when we are blessed to have a deep bond of love, it makes it that much more difficult to say goodbye... I also lost my mom to cancer, she was my best friend and spiritual teacher...
    I hope that time will help to ease your sorrow, and to treasure her memory, the many blessings and the deep love bond you shared.
    With sincere sympathy,
    Amira

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Amira :) Yes, my sorrow has lessened, and I was doing really well because I have been busy with trying to clear her things from her house, and help my sister to move. So this wave came unexpectedly, which I know happens as well. As another friend said to me - all will be well - I know this to be true. Sometimes the feelings just rise and you have to ride the wave :)
      Thanks for your kind words...

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