Overwhelmed...

Tired of being"on top of things"
"putting out fires", making decisions
for others who aren't available to themselves.

I'm going to hang a shingle out -

"Not Available Today
Taking Care of Myself
And Don't ask me about tomorrow..."

We'll see how far I get with that.

I'm finally being honest with myself,
and everybody else...

Is this unloving, uncompassionate;
to save one's own sanity;
to not put others first;
to not be self-sacrificing...

I finally "let go" of having to be emotionally available,
trying to be constantly available.
I finally just stopped...

We'll see how long that lasts,
as life as it is still requires me to be...
- available...
I can't just stop - caring,
being kind..

However I can't engage in
 life as it is anymore.

A change is needed.

I "accept what is",
but my Soul needs something more...

Life as it is, as I'm living it, is a spirit killer
and I can't apply more "spiritual band aids"
- I bleed right through them.

I take a deep breath
Tension drains from the body ...

I'm not able to attend to life, 
I need Life to attend to me!
(Oh I forgot, there is no "me",
 or so some say..)
Is this self-centered, narcissistic,

indulging in my dark side?
Or - LIFE-centered...
I'm not sure anymore...

Although the "spiritual pundits" will
tell me the "I"  that I Am can't be broken;
that somewhere within there is an
"Unbrokenness" -
once found, not lost;

I evidently can't access it.
I carry too many burdens...

So I'm embracing my brokenness
and letting it be real,
letting it be seen - no longer hidden
behind "spirituality."

~

There are so many of us broken - fractured
in some way...

And non-duality tells us that can't be so;
that there is no 'self/me" to be broken.

I'd rather be broken, than an obnoxious
pretender spouting cliches to the masses
of broken people who want to believe in
their unbrokenness -
but who secretly wish
to put out a sign:

"Not Available"

Mystic Meandering

Photo - Mystic Meandering