I awoke Thursday with the usual feeling of “fear and dread” that constricts the
body before rising. I recognize it each
morning and wonder where it comes from.
I am not conscious of what the mind must be thinking to create such a
state before awakening that would leave such a residue. It indicates to me that there must be something
*before* the first thought, some automatic conditioning in the body-mind that
kicks in as I awake. There is and always
has been this ever-present “Fear Gate.”
Settling
into the meditation chair, after lighting the candles, and striking the bowl –
I journaled a few notes before meditation, as is my practice - noting that the
“Fear Gate” had closed tight around me; also noting how it keeps me on the
edge, on the surface, unable to go deeply into the core of Beingness.
As I was sitting,
feeling the struggle of resistance trying to meet the fear, something caught my
eye. I had lit a stick of incense, as I
always do, just outside the room I sit in, out of view, so as not to overwhelm
the small room (and myself) with smoke.
But my attention was suddenly captured by swirls of smoke passing by the
door, dancing in the sunlight streaming in from the skylight. I got up to experience the phenomena more
fully, and managed to “capture” a few shots of the swirling smoke.
I love
how Life presents us with metaphors for the things we tend to struggle with. And of course we can read any meaning into it
that we want. But if we listen Life
speaks to us in ways that we can hear and understand.
I continued to watch in wonderment as the smoke from the incense danced in the light, leaving intricate fluid designs that changed and dissipated into haze – there and gone. The dance of form and formlessness, taking shape and dissipating fluidly, dancing with the air currents effortlessly… And it became clear what the “spiritual teachers” say - how solidly we *perceive* things to be – our thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, opinions, our selves, life, etc. Yet they are just smoke, forming and dissipating with the movement of life – unless – we try to hold onto them, grasping at smoke with our mind – believing them and making them solid.
After the
dance of light and smoke I was pleasantly surprised to find that the sense of
fear and dread was gone. It had
dissipated – like the smoke. Curiosity
and playfulness *allowed* the solidification of the fear to dissipate from the
mind, from focus - even if momentarily.
Through curiosity and playfulness the “Fear Gate” released and I evidently
entered a state of open Awareness.
Fear is
of the “me-mind” - and the “me” contracts into fear – the form of fear. Our formless Beingness (True Nature) holds no
grip on fear and is not constrained by fear’s form. It is totally free of fear and only
experiences fear through the “me-function” – the particular arrangement of
thoughts, feelings, beliefs and identifications that we call “me.” But in wide open Awareness there is no fear
– only the dance of smoke and light. I
know these things to be true, hearing them all before, and yet I continue to
fear – amazing. What was understood in
this phenomena of smoke was that when we occupy the space of inherent Awareness
fear loses its grip – opens its gate and dissipates – if only in that
moment. But it was enough to allow me to
see what I needed to see, which was that *everything* is smoke, *everything*
dissipates back into the open space of fluid, formless Aware Consciousness. We only need to bring our attention to that
Space – the space of inherent Conscious Awareness that is curious and unafraid;
instinctive – not reactive; intuitive – not based in mental concepts. It is aware of *everything* but does not
*identify* itself *as* or with anything, including feelings, emotions, and
thoughts – or the “me” - but remains unaffected and effortlessly fluid.
Having
this re-cognition does not mean that the feeling of “fear and dread” has burned
away completely. I still woke up today
in the smoke swirls of fear and dread – totally disappointed that my insight
wasn’t a “cure.” It’s a deeply engrained
automatic pattern. And it feels like an
ongoing process of re-orientation - of turning again and again to the awareness
of the wide open space of Aware
Consciousness, remembering that what I believe to be me, my thoughts, my
feelings, and “my life” are just ~ smoke ~~~~
