Rapids and Turbulence

It seems like it’s been one thing after another lately. Actually it’s been quite turbulent for the past 7 years, starting with husband relationship issues, and then health issues for the past 6 years, leaving me with erratic health and varied levels of stamina. Then my husband left “the corporate life” a few years back for his own sanity, and has been trying to get a consulting business off the ground for the past 2 ½ years in a difficult economy, as well as trying to find other income streams, redefining “the business” as he goes – losing our healthcare insurance in the process. And there are a myriad other things that seem to go “wrong” on a regular basis.

For instance in just the past week it cost nearly $2500 to keep our nearly 20 year old car running and able to pass inspection. And then for some unknown reason we had a musty odor arise from the crawl space, which I think we may have mitigated on our own, but still may require hiring a professional. And we turned the furnace on for the first time this season on Monday when temperatures dropped 30 degrees and “Fall” arrived one day early with a rain/snow mix, warning us that this might be a big winter coming. And up from the vents arose another musty odor and my respiratory system went berserk. So the duct cleaning people will be here Saturday to ream out the system for a mere $400… And on it goes it seems. One thing after another. It led me to wonder what kind of karma we have going on - although I’m not convinced that there is such a thing… Maybe there was a mirror that I broke way back when? I would prefer to believe that I haven’t done anything “wrong” to “deserve” this long stretch of, dare I say, “tribulation.” And if it is in fact THE Tribulation then I expect I will be “raptured” any day now. But no, I remind myself, it’s just life, being what it is, living itself as it does – not a punishment for wrongs committed.

Now I’m not saying “poor me” here – as I know there are many of us in the same boat. It’s uncanny to me, from reading other blogs, how our lives seem to parallel each other. We all seem to have rather weighty issues that we’re dealing with these days. No one’s issues are more or less weightier than another. They’re just issues – experiences that we go through for whatever reason. Yet they are sometimes like a wolf at the door – huffing and puffing.

And since life has sort of been “in our face” for so many years, struggling to keep our heads above water, my husband announced on the 17th that it was “Turning Point Day.” So we had one of those “quality of life” conversations, and determined it was time to make a few life changes. (I actually felt relieved that he finally came to this realization himself! I’ve been gasping for breath for years! :) We came to the conclusion that we need to sell the house… It is requiring way more time, physical exertion and money than we are willing or able to give it. Yet it is nowhere near sellable condition. There are multiple expensive repairs needed as things have been put off in these turbulent years. My husband is not the handyman type. There’s also 13 years of well-organized, and not so well organized clutter here, which I have wanted to purge for a long time, but never had the motivation or the energy. So here’s my excuse to fire up the internal engine as much as possible and get ‘er done – a little at a time mind you. Last week I started in my office/work space with the piles and piles of un-filed papers, unfinished projects, and just junk that I never seem to be able to keep up with. I don’t even want to *think* about the basement. And, the other issue: Where are we going anyway, not qualifying for rentals, or another house? The street isn’t exactly the “quality of life” we’re looking for – nor is it an option. And that’s thinking too far ahead at this point anyway. Another excuse to get entwined in the mind - which is not where I want to go either…

So it’s one foot in front of the other - stepping back from the precipice of panic, resting in Awareness and practicing Presence, trusting, maintaining sanity as much as possible without feeling too overwhelmed about what I assume lies ahead of us: the seemingly daunting rapids of life – as I’m about to turn 60 btw – where it appears we are about to be spewed out of a water chute and dropped into a pool of churning, turbulent water, without a kayak or paddle for that matter. Does that mean we’re up Schitz Creek? :) Maybe. And I thought we already went down that one, or was that down the tubes! And I wanted a nice, quiet, contemplative, “spiritual life!” Another illusion shattered…

In any case, in our “quality of life” conversation we each defined what that would mean for each of us. Interestingly we both really want the same thing: We want to hear the song of Life again. It has somehow been muffled. We’ve lost the ability to *hear* the song, to feel the rhythm, to play the notes. We don’t have a sense of Life’s song, the song that wants to be sung through each of us. The life we are living now has pretty much suffocated our ability to sing, and we’re tired of almost drowning. So, we need to discover again what the song is that wants to be sung, and make the necessary adjustments – always adjustments - and of course remember to Ride the Wind and “take the rabbits.” :)

So if you hear a slightly wobbly tune wafting in the breeze that will be me trying to find the right notes. :)

Heart Smiles as always…

"take the rabbits"

After a very hectic week fraught with interruptions and distractions, I awoke this morning in the doldrums – absolutely dead in the water – all momentum for doing gone – no excitement for life, just worn down by a lot of unexpected turns in the River. I asked, where does Life want to go today? Nothing, nada. I asked, what is needed here? Again blank, zilch. What am I supposed to see here? Hello-o-o-o-o, anybody home? Evidently not. So I trudged my way to the kitchen to feed the cat and make breakfast, inwardly listening, trying to be aware of something, anything that would give me some hint of what I was experiencing and why; why there seemed to be a lot of obstacles and no real flow these last few days – just a lot of busyness, and in most cases accompanying resistance to the way things were going.

Over breakfast I started sharing with my husband about what I was feeling and experiencing. We got on the topic of the flow of experience, the river metaphor, like the opening phrase on the home page on my web site, “Our lives are like rivers, eventually they go where they must, not where we want them to.” And so I was lamenting that life was not going where I wanted it to, but that I didn’t know where it was going, because at the moment, it didn’t seem to be going at all, even with all the effort and busyness, and how unsettled that was making me feel.

And so I took off with the metaphor and started talking about how sometimes life is just like that – trying to convince myself I guess - that sometimes there are still places on the River where nothing seems to be happening and sometimes life is like the rapids – it just takes you, even when you don’t feel ready for where it’s going. And how I often find myself saying to life – wait, I’m not ready, hold on, I don’t know how to do this, I’ve never been in a kayak before and no one gave me lessons! This happened when I published my website and blog last month. And then out of my mouth came – “and sometimes you just have to take the rapids, whether you’re ready or not.” How interesting I was now excitedly talking about taking the rapids when an instant before I felt like I was dead in the water.

My husband had been attentively listening, adding his wisdom here and there. But after my last statement I could see this rather quizzical look in his eye. I thought he was maybe pondering the deep profundity that had spewed forth. :) He started laughing. I became quizzical as well, and asked – What? - with a grin on my face – like he was now going to tell me some profound point that he had just gotten. With a gleam and a grin he looked at me and said: I thought you said you just have to “take the rabbits.” We both broke into a hearty belly laughter beyond our control. We have resident rabbits around our home that graze on the grass and live under the front stoop, or the back spruce tree, or the shed. We love to watch the rabbits while eating in our “breakfast nook" window that overlooks the back yard. So of course it made sense that he would hear me say “rabbits.”

And there it was – the moment that took me out of the doldrums. It just took a little humor and a lot of laughter in a mis-heard phrase and I began to feel a stirring of life within again. And here I thought I’d have to spend some serious time in morning meditation, meeting this unsettledness, this disgruntledness with life, working with it, seeing what lesson was there for me. But life itself had unexpectedly presented the remedy in the moment. Ah, the medicine of humor.

So I pondered the metaphor of the rabbit. Rabbits, it seems from my observations, are content to graze on grass all day – to be in a state of inner stillness for most of their existence. They are not thinking: This is not how my life should be. They seemingly know when to run to take cover and when to freeze in place, blending in like a rock in the grass. And they multiply unendingly – like the rapids on a river that intensify as they go over the rocks. They, rabbits and rapids, innately go with the flow of their life, whatever it is, without resistance - content in their true nature – their Beingness, not wanting life to be any different than what it is.

So the next time I’m feeling unsettled about where life is going, or not going, all I’ll have to do is look out my back window and remember this funny little story, and allow the River to take me – freely without resistance - let what arises arise, and just be with it. And, oh yes, I’ll remember to “take the rabbits.”

Living life as it is…

Heart Smiles – MeANderi
www.ASerenitySanctuary.com