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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rapids and Turbulence

It seems like it’s been one thing after another lately. Actually it’s been quite turbulent for the past 7 years, starting with husband relationship issues, and then health issues for the past 6 years, leaving me with erratic health and varied levels of stamina. Then my husband left “the corporate life” a few years back for his own sanity, and has been trying to get a consulting business off the ground for the past 2 ½ years in a difficult economy, as well as trying to find other income streams, redefining “the business” as he goes – losing our healthcare insurance in the process. And there are a myriad other things that seem to go “wrong” on a regular basis.

For instance in just the past week it cost nearly $2500 to keep our nearly 20 year old car running and able to pass inspection. And then for some unknown reason we had a musty odor arise from the crawl space, which I think we may have mitigated on our own, but still may require hiring a professional. And we turned the furnace on for the first time this season on Monday when temperatures dropped 30 degrees and “Fall” arrived one day early with a rain/snow mix, warning us that this might be a big winter coming. And up from the vents arose another musty odor and my respiratory system went berserk. So the duct cleaning people will be here Saturday to ream out the system for a mere $400… And on it goes it seems. One thing after another. It led me to wonder what kind of karma we have going on - although I’m not convinced that there is such a thing… Maybe there was a mirror that I broke way back when? I would prefer to believe that I haven’t done anything “wrong” to “deserve” this long stretch of, dare I say, “tribulation.” And if it is in fact THE Tribulation then I expect I will be “raptured” any day now. But no, I remind myself, it’s just life, being what it is, living itself as it does – not a punishment for wrongs committed.

Now I’m not saying “poor me” here – as I know there are many of us in the same boat. It’s uncanny to me, from reading other blogs, how our lives seem to parallel each other. We all seem to have rather weighty issues that we’re dealing with these days. No one’s issues are more or less weightier than another. They’re just issues – experiences that we go through for whatever reason. Yet they are sometimes like a wolf at the door – huffing and puffing.

And since life has sort of been “in our face” for so many years, struggling to keep our heads above water, my husband announced on the 17th that it was “Turning Point Day.” So we had one of those “quality of life” conversations, and determined it was time to make a few life changes. (I actually felt relieved that he finally came to this realization himself! I’ve been gasping for breath for years! :) We came to the conclusion that we need to sell the house… It is requiring way more time, physical exertion and money than we are willing or able to give it. Yet it is nowhere near sellable condition. There are multiple expensive repairs needed as things have been put off in these turbulent years. My husband is not the handyman type. There’s also 13 years of well-organized, and not so well organized clutter here, which I have wanted to purge for a long time, but never had the motivation or the energy. So here’s my excuse to fire up the internal engine as much as possible and get ‘er done – a little at a time mind you. Last week I started in my office/work space with the piles and piles of un-filed papers, unfinished projects, and just junk that I never seem to be able to keep up with. I don’t even want to *think* about the basement. And, the other issue: Where are we going anyway, not qualifying for rentals, or another house? The street isn’t exactly the “quality of life” we’re looking for – nor is it an option. And that’s thinking too far ahead at this point anyway. Another excuse to get entwined in the mind - which is not where I want to go either…

So it’s one foot in front of the other - stepping back from the precipice of panic, resting in Awareness and practicing Presence, trusting, maintaining sanity as much as possible without feeling too overwhelmed about what I assume lies ahead of us: the seemingly daunting rapids of life – as I’m about to turn 60 btw – where it appears we are about to be spewed out of a water chute and dropped into a pool of churning, turbulent water, without a kayak or paddle for that matter. Does that mean we’re up Schitz Creek? :) Maybe. And I thought we already went down that one, or was that down the tubes! And I wanted a nice, quiet, contemplative, “spiritual life!” Another illusion shattered…

In any case, in our “quality of life” conversation we each defined what that would mean for each of us. Interestingly we both really want the same thing: We want to hear the song of Life again. It has somehow been muffled. We’ve lost the ability to *hear* the song, to feel the rhythm, to play the notes. We don’t have a sense of Life’s song, the song that wants to be sung through each of us. The life we are living now has pretty much suffocated our ability to sing, and we’re tired of almost drowning. So, we need to discover again what the song is that wants to be sung, and make the necessary adjustments – always adjustments - and of course remember to Ride the Wind and “take the rabbits.” :)

So if you hear a slightly wobbly tune wafting in the breeze that will be me trying to find the right notes. :)

Heart Smiles as always…

2 comments:

  1. I have read your post several times and there's something that feels very "kindred" spirit about it to me, as if, as you say, we are experiencing similar energy out there in the world.

    I just read the extended version of Tricylce's Daily Dharma for today. It's by Ezra Bayda, one of my favourite Zen teachers and it's about fear. I found it very apropos for what's going on in my life. You might enjoy reading it too.

    Looking forward to seeing how your next chapters unfold. It seems we get what we need in our lives but it is sometimes very uncomfortable! At least that is my experience.

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  2. Hi Carole...

    I thought of all that you've been going through recently as I wrote this blog post... Yes, a lot of my *reaction* to life is coming from very old habitual patterns (next blog!:) and fear stories... I will check out Ezra's article. He is one of my favorites too. Thank you for the reference.

    Yes, I know this too, that we get what we need - to open more - to awaken to the truth of who we are. It's just the *anticipation* of getting through the rapids part that feels a little daunting. :) However, it gives me a chance to see life with different eyes, to navigate from a different place, to actually *live* what I know to be true... Thanks - C

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