The "Inner Other" - Matt Licata

Relationship has an uncanny ability to illuminate those parts
of ourselves that we have lost touch with - the orphans of the
emotional world, and the emissaries of our unlived lives.  They
remind us of the two great relational fears -
of being abandoned or overwhelmed by the other.

As we deepen ["spiritually"]... we may discover that the "other"
is not only those fellow travelers that we meet [or our mates/lovers/
partners], but that there is also an "inner other" who also longs to
be known, to be held, and to be a part of the love story of our lives.
The "other" yearns more than anything for intimacy, to no longer
be shut out, and to enter union with us
exactly as we are.

The lost sadness, the disallowed joy, the unmet rage, the repressed
grief.  The barely remembered peace, the dissociated despair, the
forgotten beauty.  These ones are alive and will continue their
journey to find you.  They will never give up and will continue to
take form as your lovers, family members, and friends, including
those who irritate you the most.

The invitation of The Beloved, in each of its forms, is to step fully
into the crucible of relationship where we no longer limit the
mystery of love's expression, resisting the temptation to have the
fires of love conform to our requirements.  And to open to the
reality that perhaps the purpose of relationship is not to provide
consistent feelings of safety, certainty, connection, and validation.

The Beloved has not come to confirm what we think love is - or
the ways we have come to believe we must be seen - but rather
to introduce us to the creative terrain of the unknown, and to the
poetic depth of our own hearts...

Matt Licata

~

Art - Heart within Heart
Craypas oils - done with fingers

?2009

Dukkha with Revelations Please...

No, this is not the name of a new Cappuccino that I whipped up.  Dukkha is a Buddhist word that basically means suffering.  I am not a Buddhist, but the word best describes my recent experience.

It was December 29^th, our 34^th wedding anniversary.  It unexpectedly came with a load of *unconscious* expectations of how I *thought* it should be.  I had a lapse in consciousness and was operating in an old paradigm mode, wanting the day, and Dear Hubby, to be the way I wanted them to be, because after all it was a “special” day.  You know, like “The Holidays.”  It said so on the calendar, and in my mind.  We both *intended* for it to be a “special” day, so we orchestrated the day, trying to make it happen the way we envisioned it – or should I say the way *I* had it pictured in my mind.  DH was just fine with the way it was – of course. J  But disappointment was lurking on the horizon for me…

It started out fine.  We exchanged cards and expressions of our love for each other.  We drove to one of our favorite places about 40 mins outside the city-burbs to get away from the erratic, knotted, stuck city energy and be in the fluidity of open space and nature.  The shift in energy was dramatic.  We both felt the flow of energy change to a sweet, comforting embrace that surrounded us.  It was cold and blustery out, so there would be no walk in nature.  But we sat in the car in sweet silence at the trailhead, enjoying each other’s presence, basking in the warmth of the sun, enjoying the idyllic view of the surrounding foothills with a small town nestled in its curves, and trains slowly winding through the valley.  Picture perfect – so far… J  We were both content to just BE with each other…

Later that evening we went to dinner.  Darkness set in as I sat across the table from DH who stared at his plate not saying anything.  There it was – the familiar view: detachment, disengagement, non-participation.   And me feeling like I wasn’t on the radar screen, or at least a tiny blip that he could choose to see or not see.  It was a mirror of how I have often felt in this relationship.  (I know some of you must know what I’m talking about. :)  And the defensive responses when I raised the issue - with him saying that conversation can’t be forced, must be spontaneous, that I could not orchestrate *how* he was.  Well, okay, true, yes… But…

But I started feeling old emotions again - feeling invisible, unimportant, disappointed that the evening was not living up to my expectations.  There was that word again…  I wanted that wonderful feeling of resonance, of partnership, and an in depth spiritual/philosophical conversation that was also a hallmark of our relationship – which admittedly was usually spontaneous.    And I wanted to feel – important – the gaze across the table that says I will love you forever – even though he already said as much in his card.  But I wanted more…  I wanted Romance, attention, acknowledgement.  I wanted to *feel* special!   I-I-I…

Aye-yi-yi…  Enough already…

I couldn’t see then what I see now because the darkness of silent anger veiled the truth.  It was the anger of deep hurt – which came from believing that DH, and our relationship, should be other than what he/it is.  The feelings spilled over into the next day.  Ego was having its way with me - seducing me - and suffering ensued: Dukkha…  So it was time for a little authentic, heart to heart conversation with – myself - journaling…

Through writing it was revealed that I had been holding onto the thought/belief/expectation of the way the relationship/marriage was supposed to be, to feel; the expectation that it would provide *me*/ego-self with something concrete to hold onto – like a sense of security, of safety, a sense of being loved, or special…  I wondered how many of us live this way, thinking that “contentment” in life depends on feeling loved and secure by a partner.  And yet – I also realized that even in relationship, we are really still emotionally on our own journey in many ways.  No one person can meet our needs – I know this…  But I am not completely empty of “self” yet – the fabricated, conditioned self with its expectations of how relationships are “supposed” to be.  Just call me Eeyore…

I was faced with the truth, I must let go of my illusions/delusions *about* the relationship or suffer.  I needed to, once again, let go of the myth of marriage that I obviously have unconsciously still held in my mind all these years, as well as the myth of myself – the myth of the fabricated self.  The myth would no longer do, no longer satisfy.  I realized that the myth I held to was only a fantasy I had *believed* to be true.  The myth had cowled me, leaving me in darkness.  But I don’t want to remain a prisoner of the myth, or the darkness…

So – maybe this is the place in the story of “us” where I finally step off the edge, letting go of attachments, expectations, and old images - seeing things as they really are, allowing the relationship to be what it is and unfold as it does – appreciating the truth of it and loving the parts that work…

btw – DH has been looking up from his plate… J

Photo:

This is the original image of the above photo

Which just goes to show
there is always light in the darkness
if we are willing to adjust our perspective
and *see* it…

What Are You Believing?

During the Holiday Season it’s easy to get caught up in the images of what family “should” be. There is the hope that family dynamics will change, baggage will be dropped, and peace will prevail. I have once again fallen into the trap of believing these irrelevant thoughts; making assumptions; accommodating; trying to make things “work”; neglecting the Inner Voice - not following my Heart…

I have been trying to spend more time with my 81 year old mother lately – trying to create a “better” relationship. Thursday I went to supposedly “help” her with decorating only to discover that she had already done it and didn’t need, or want my assistance. I made the erroneous assumption that she needed my help; that she would want my assistance; that she would want me to visit… I truly wanted to be “helpful.” I got the definite impression that she would rather have been doing other things – her things. Interestingly I felt the same. I would have preferred to be home doing what my Heart wants to do. I discovered that, once again, I was trying to be the dutiful daughter – available, present, accommodating – trying to create the *ideal* relationship with my mother. But that is, I discovered, just an *idea* in my head… The reality doesn’t match the image that I want to imagine…

In March my brother visited from out of state. On the way to drop him off at the airport I was told that I wasn’t doing enough for my mother; that I was to spend more time with her, taking her out and doing activities with her. The golden haired son (the baby in the family) had flown in on his white horse and found me and my sister lacking. He, who had no idea what I had actually been doing for and with my mother, had determined that whatever it was, was not enough.

I believed my brother, that somehow I was lacking, and I went into a semi-truckload of guilt, which spawned an assortment of projects that my mother and I could do together in my attempt to spend more quality time with her – which were never appreciated, or completed btw. I was told they were “not a priority for her.” Not that spending time with me was either, evidently – and all activities ended - once again. The point is, I believed the irrelevant thought that somehow *I* am not doing enough, that I could somehow make things better between us, that *I* could create a “better” relationship – if I just tried harder - which created more attempts to be more dutiful, more attentive, more caring - to create my *idea* of a good mother-daughter relationship, and try to live up to her image of that as well…

And once again, this holiday season, I am believing this *story*! The story that what I do is not enough; that I should be doing more, that things could be different between us… I am jumping through hoops again to please, to make the Holiday good for my mother – and realizing that it’s like trying to fill a dark hole in space that can’t ever be filled. And through this I am seeing that I *have* to follow my Heart – not the story that has been created about what I *should* be doing - not living up to a role, trying to make things better for my mother, trying to fulfill her perceived or real expectations – or mine - or make assumptions about what she needs.

While with her this week, the long played out patterns between us became clear, as if they had suddenly been revealed from behind the veil of unconsciousness, although they had peaked through before. In that moment of awareness I knew I needed to step back and not engage with her in the same ways, trying to make things “better” – as this is interpreted as trying to take control, and resistance ensues. This is a dance we have done for many years. While I was there she actually struggled with trying to pull the sheet of sticky paper off a lint roll for 5 mins rather than receive the help that was offered. In that moment I became aware that I didn’t want to play this game with her anymore – this: I’ll be what I *think* you want me to be, and try to create this image that I believe about mothers and daughters. I realized I no longer want to play the role of dutiful daughter or keep engaging in the story. I want to live without role, identity, expectation, assumption…

Ah-so… light dawns - now what…

I discovered that it helps not to see my mother as “mother” – as the role, the identity – but just another being, like me, living her life. What if I could interact with her without the label, or the image – without trying to change myself or her…

Who knows! I’ll have to see how the dance changes with this new awareness…

As I experienced this, this week, I was reminded of the Norman Rockwell paintings, especially at this time of year with the emphasis on “family.” I wondered if Norman Rockwell ever had a “real” family. Maybe he just painted images of families – which we want to believe…

Art print - Norman Rockwell