The Haunted Room - John O'Donohue

The way you think about your life can turn your soul into a 
haunted room.  You are afraid to risk going in there anymore.
Your fantasy peoples this room of the heart with sad presences,
which ultimately become disturbing and sinister.

The haunted room in the mind installs lonesomeness at the heart
of your life.  It would be devastating in the autumn of your life
to look back and recognize that you had created a series of
haunted rooms in your heart.

Fear and negativity are immense forces, which constantly tussle
with us.  They long to turn the mansions of the soul into a totally
haunted house.  These are the living conditions for which fear 
and negativity long, and in which they thrive.

We were sent here to live life to the full.  When you manage to be
generous in your passion and vulnerability, life always comes to
bless you.  Had you but the courage to acknowledge the haunted
inner room, turn the key, and enter, you would encounter nothing
strange or sinister there.

You would meet some vital self of yours that you had banished
during a time of pain and difficulty.  Sometimes, when life
squeezes you into lonely crevices, you may have to decide between
survival and breaking apart.  At such times, you can be harsh with
yourself and settle to be someone other than who you really long
to be.  At such a time, you can do nothing else; you have to survive.

But your soul always remains faithful to your longing to become
who you really are.  The banished self from an earlier time of life
remains within you waiting to be released and integrated.  The
soul has its own logic of loyalty and concealment.

Ironically, it is usually in its most awkward rooms that the special
blessings and healing are locked away.

Your thinking can also freeze and falsify the flow of your life's
continuity to make you a prisoner of routine and judgement.

John O'Donohue

from Eternal Echoes

with thanks to The Beauty We Love

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
image from light on the ceiling
through the top of a lamp shade...

 

Tea with "Z"...

Today I had tea with "Z" - a wonderful Fellow Traveler who helps
me to see the "Truth" beyond my life-experience.  He helps me 
unwind the mind when I get a little too wound up in the thought
function of trying to figure it all out, and in my over vigilance about
the words I'm using, trying not to sound "dualistic, or "non-dualistic."
I sometimes find it hard having tea with "Z" because he tends to
deconstruct all the conceptual fabrications that I have built around
myself.  He points out to me, in the most non-judgmental ways,
where I am still hiding behind the words - defending, explaining,
clarifying - in an attempt to be "spiritually correct" so as not to
offend, so as to be understood, and where I'm still caring about how
I'm being seen.  Sometimes in this allowing myself to be seen in
the places where I am still attached there is an incredible feeling of
vulnerability, and a wanting to contract, to not see or be seen.  But
today "Z" invited me to see in a way that helped me let go of all
that.  (And here I want to explain that "we" really don't "let go" of
anything.  It dissolves when it is truly seen.  So you see the kinds
of word games I get into here, wanting to be sure you know that
I'm not caught in some dualistic way of thinking and expressing...:)

Anyway, what "Z" offered me in all my wrangling and entanglement
in thought and words today is this:  Who is having the thought that
you have to figure it out, that you have to know, that you have to be
vigilant about your words, about life?  What part of you says what
you know is not enough, that who you are is not enough, that the
way you express is not "right"?  In the moments of silence that
followed as I "checked in" internally (tea with "Z" is very
experiential:), I met the "internal monitor" - this hyper-vigilance
about languaging and expression, the "aspect" that tends to want to
monitor everything I do and say - and - I met the belief in 
inadequacy, in "not good enough."  And in that moment of meeting
them I saw that all there actually is, is Embrace.  There is only a
deep, compassionate Embrace for these "aspects" of the self. There
is just Embrace embracing, holding this vigilance, this
inadequacy, this not good enough belief.  In the seeing of this
all the contractions around the concepts relaxed - let go of me. 
In that moment of seeing I realized that what I had been struggling
with doesn't matter - the words, the vigilance, the inadequacy -
because it's all just being embraced - all the thinking and feeling
and expressing and doing.
There's only Embrace of all that is, as it is.  There is only
"The Mystery" revealing ItSelf in every expression.  It was what
I bring my attention to that fuels it into a fire of thought vigilance,
or thought frenzy that obscures the seeing of the Embrace.  I contract
into, become fixated on, and identified with those objects of attention,
unable to see beyond them; seemingly unable to experience the
Embrace of it all.

In this incredible opening of a doorway into seeing clearly there was
a sense of translucence, of everything being seen through - as it is -
just thought forms, or objects in Embrace, in Consciousness, in 

Awareness (sorry, the word thing again :) that are utterly translucent.
And with this also came the realization that I don't need to to explain or
clarify anything.  And then "Z"'s absolutely lovely words emerged into
clarity: "Don't focus on the words, on the thoughts, on the concepts, just
keep bringing your attention to the Embrace that holds it all."

In wordless wonder...

July 30, 2009

"Z" is Mitch Rosacker, now a professional, what I call a "perspective
changer" - or - "spiritual therapist" :) - although he may cringe at those
words.  He has his own practice called Self Discovery Studio - which
is lovingly known as the Ashram of Inverness. His apporach is
spiritually creative, sensitive to where you are, insightful, intuitive,
 encouraging and freeing.  He is also an artist by nature using art as a
way of opening to "The Mystery" within... 
I've sat with him many times over the years.

MM

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
enhanced with Luna Pic

 

Egocentricity & Suffering - Cheri Huber

Egocentricity is the process of wanting something other than
what is.  Egocentricity means there is an "I" who [feels]
separate from everything else and doesn't like it; one thing is
happening, but I want a different thing to be happening
[which causes suffering].  Egocentricity is that constant
concern with how I feel, what I think, what I'm doing, what
I want - looking at what is and seeing it as inadequate.
My identity is maintained by the struggle of wanting
something other than what is [causing suffering].

Instead of spending our time trying to avoid suffering,
we must find the willingness to go directly into it.
Whenever anything causes us to suffer, we can know
two things: suffering is the same as egocentricity, and
when it arises, that is our best opportunity to end suffering.
As we open to suffering, as we embrace it, as we accept it,
our relationship to it changes. It is no longer horrible,
something to escape from.  Suffering becomes just
another opportunity [for awareness], another chance for
freedom [from egocentricity].

Cheri Huber

Zen Teacher

~

"The Heart has no ego"

Gregg Braden

~

The real state of things is suffering, aging illness, death -
life as it is...

We are in a body inside of time...
Suffering is on a primitive level...

author unknown

~

Personal note:  I know from my own experience that there
are many causes of "suffering" and different kinds of "suffering",
like poverty, abuse, terrorism, physical and emotional pain,
but I found this explanation from Cheri Huber interesting with
regard to the personal cause of "suffering."  And as I recently
discovered, the egoic mind (my incessant thoughts) is one of the
 major causes of my emotional suffering...

Phantoms of Beliefs - Federico Moramarco

Have you considered the possibility
that everything you believe is wrong,
not merely off a bit, but totally wrong,
nothing like things as they really are?

If you've done this, you know how durably fragile
those phantoms we hold in our heads are,
those wisps of thought that people die and kill for,
betray lovers for, give up lifelong friendships for.

If you've not done this, you probably don't understand this poem,
or think it's not even a poem, but a bit of opaque nonsense,
occupying too much of your day's time,
so you probably should stop reading it here, now.

But if you've arrived at this line,
maybe, just maybe, you're open to that possibility,
the possibility of being absolutely completely wrong,
about everything that matters.

How different the world seems then:
everyone who was your enemy is your friend,
everything you hated, you now love,
and everything you love slips through your fingers like sand.

Federico Moramarco
"One Hundred and Eighty Degrees"

~

Photo - Light Image on Wall

Finding Peace in the Practical

I started de-cluttering, cleaning and organizing the house this week. This is going to take a while, with so much clutter accumulated – I’m ashamed to say. It’s a bit daunting when I *think* about what needs to be done here, because of what *hasn’t* been done here. But I am re-reading Byron Katie’s A Thousand Names for Joy before I go to bed each night, which is reminding me again of how my mind is creating my stress about it, because I am once again *believing* my thoughts. I have known this and forgotten this a thousand times. So now I’m aware when those dangerous thoughts arise that tend to send me into overwhelm, when I look at the basement, the garage, the garden, and my work space. I started in my work space Monday, then today for some reason I spontaneously moved to the garden, even though the work space is not finished – just allowing myself to spontaneously move to the next task at hand. And this afternoon went back to the work space again for a couple of hours.

I am finding a strange sense of peace in the mundane. Monday I was working at the mess at the desk when I suddenly awared that even as a myriad of thoughts passed through this mental mechanism, I was at peace and internally still. What a delight it was to realize the sound of internal quiet and peace. I was simultaneously aware of an internal flow and rhythm that I knew had been there all along, but had been crowded out by the mind. The mundane gives my mind something to focus on. Being busy keeps me from clinging to the thoughts and getting totally lost in the “what ifs.” I just keep going with what life requires at the moment, and in doing so I find a sense of peace. I’m being in the moment, wherever the moment takes me. And no matter where that is, it’s always this moment; living moment-to-moment, seamlessly. Sweet peace.

I had this selfish idea that I would get my chance to live a “contemplative life” while hubby was away – a self-centered craving to live monastically, meditating a lot, reading, maybe get back to something creative, doing contemplative photography, spending time in nature – you know, life as a continual retreat – trying to find internal peace. But life isn’t unfolding that way. There are a lot of very practical, mundane things that are required at the moment. And I am surprised to find peace in the practical. I’m enjoying the solitude and beginning to find my stride actually.

I’ve always been the kind of person that wants to get the practical out of the way so I can enjoy life. Eeeeuuu – even that didn’t sound good to me – but that seems to be the pattern. Just get-r-done so that you can do what you want to do – like having to eat your peas and carrots before you can have dessert. (Although I love peas and carrots :) But now I’m discovering that life is not a la carte. There’s no separating life into different courses, no dividing life into time for mundane, time for meditation, but living life as a continuous fluid movement – Liquid Life. Somehow being genuinely busy (not creating busyness just to be busy, or avoid anything) has allowed me to see the fluidity and seamlessness of the day, of the moment, of one moment sliding into another – not just getting through the main course so I can get to the sweet dessert at the end…

I’ve also tried living life the other way – more contemplatively – avoiding the practical as much as possible, retreating into my familiar forms of “spirituality”, which is why there is so much clutter and cleaning to tend to now. So now I’m learning to live life on Life’s terms - the ebb and flow of living - doing what’s required – contemplatively – in silence and solitude – allowing my mind to go where it wants to go, while awareing the delight of the deep Silence within, whether meditating or not. Finding that I don’t need to meditate to “find” IT – as IT is ever-present, I just need to turn within and experience it – feel it, sense it, aware it.

This morning I awoke “knowing” that it’s all OM (why that particular word I have no idea). OM is everything and everywhere. Life is OM – the Divine Energy. Everything is IT and IT is everything. IT just is.

This is going to be an interesting experience…

“I am the experience of the eternal…
When you don’t believe your thoughts…
there’s no separation.
You’re everything.
Only the unquestioned mind
would believe that you’re an I
living inside a body.
…there’s no I to identify as…
take it all in as Being…
…the universe is wherever you are,
and it’s everywhere…”

Byron Katie
A Thousand Names For Joy


~*~

Noticing Thoughts Window

Every night at the Window is a different noticing it seems. Lately I’ve been noticing the movement of thoughts.

Initially when I sit I usually notice a tangible sense of Calm and Peace, as was the case a couple of nights ago. Then I noticed that “I” was being distracted by thought, accompanied by a subtle visceral sense of contraction in different places in the body – fear thoughts here, anger thoughts there. When I became aware of this, I would bring my awareness back to the space of Calm and Peace and then once again notice that over a matter of a few minutes thought had somehow pulled my awareness away again. This happened several times in a slow rhythm of awareness from one to the other. This was even noticed in the movement of the eyes as I sat with eyes closed. When I was *resting* in Calm and Peace the gaze was inward. Sometimes it was towards the window to my left, as if listening to the Calm at the window – “out there” – external. When I became aware of thought, it was noticed that my eyes were directed upward and to the right – as if thinking was “up there” somewhere.

A thought became a chain of thoughts, which then became a “swarm” of thoughts (this word borrowed from a friend, but is also what I experienced.) And it was noticed that I had no control over these thoughts. I could not stop thinking, as some teachings suggest. This is what the mind does. It thinks. All I could do was bring my awareness back to the Space of inner Peace and Calm.

It was experienced that there is a pull of Consciousness, the *Space* of Calm and Peace, and a pull of thought in a subtle rhythmic movement as awareness seemingly shifts between the two. Attention gets focused on thought, then, with awareness of that, there is a shift in awareness to Calm and Peace. But I had to consciously keep bringing the focus to the space of Calm – and not get entangled with thought.

In this *natural* movement it was realized once again that thought cannot be stopped, or controlled. I had to consciously choose not to follow thoughts out into infinity, to not indulge in speculation about the future, or resentment and regret about the past. I had to continually bring awareness to the inner space of Calm – the only Now there is. Some nights were more successful than others.

The “trick”, if there is one, seems to be to learn to rest the awareness in the internal Space of Calm (or however you want to call it). Just be there - *aware* of the movement of thoughts and feelings; aware of what is awareing this; allowing - not trying to wrestle oneself from the mind, but gently bringing awareness to this aware space of Eternal Rest again and again - entraining with this Still Space that is only Now…

~*~

“By ‘Here’ I don’t mean this present space.
Here is somewhere within where mind cannot reach.
Presence is always here and you are always That.
Here is not the opposite of there.
This here is nowhere.
It is your Heart.
…it all comes back to the Heart.”
Papaji

What Are You Believing?

During the Holiday Season it’s easy to get caught up in the images of what family “should” be. There is the hope that family dynamics will change, baggage will be dropped, and peace will prevail. I have once again fallen into the trap of believing these irrelevant thoughts; making assumptions; accommodating; trying to make things “work”; neglecting the Inner Voice - not following my Heart…

I have been trying to spend more time with my 81 year old mother lately – trying to create a “better” relationship. Thursday I went to supposedly “help” her with decorating only to discover that she had already done it and didn’t need, or want my assistance. I made the erroneous assumption that she needed my help; that she would want my assistance; that she would want me to visit… I truly wanted to be “helpful.” I got the definite impression that she would rather have been doing other things – her things. Interestingly I felt the same. I would have preferred to be home doing what my Heart wants to do. I discovered that, once again, I was trying to be the dutiful daughter – available, present, accommodating – trying to create the *ideal* relationship with my mother. But that is, I discovered, just an *idea* in my head… The reality doesn’t match the image that I want to imagine…

In March my brother visited from out of state. On the way to drop him off at the airport I was told that I wasn’t doing enough for my mother; that I was to spend more time with her, taking her out and doing activities with her. The golden haired son (the baby in the family) had flown in on his white horse and found me and my sister lacking. He, who had no idea what I had actually been doing for and with my mother, had determined that whatever it was, was not enough.

I believed my brother, that somehow I was lacking, and I went into a semi-truckload of guilt, which spawned an assortment of projects that my mother and I could do together in my attempt to spend more quality time with her – which were never appreciated, or completed btw. I was told they were “not a priority for her.” Not that spending time with me was either, evidently – and all activities ended - once again. The point is, I believed the irrelevant thought that somehow *I* am not doing enough, that I could somehow make things better between us, that *I* could create a “better” relationship – if I just tried harder - which created more attempts to be more dutiful, more attentive, more caring - to create my *idea* of a good mother-daughter relationship, and try to live up to her image of that as well…

And once again, this holiday season, I am believing this *story*! The story that what I do is not enough; that I should be doing more, that things could be different between us… I am jumping through hoops again to please, to make the Holiday good for my mother – and realizing that it’s like trying to fill a dark hole in space that can’t ever be filled. And through this I am seeing that I *have* to follow my Heart – not the story that has been created about what I *should* be doing - not living up to a role, trying to make things better for my mother, trying to fulfill her perceived or real expectations – or mine - or make assumptions about what she needs.

While with her this week, the long played out patterns between us became clear, as if they had suddenly been revealed from behind the veil of unconsciousness, although they had peaked through before. In that moment of awareness I knew I needed to step back and not engage with her in the same ways, trying to make things “better” – as this is interpreted as trying to take control, and resistance ensues. This is a dance we have done for many years. While I was there she actually struggled with trying to pull the sheet of sticky paper off a lint roll for 5 mins rather than receive the help that was offered. In that moment I became aware that I didn’t want to play this game with her anymore – this: I’ll be what I *think* you want me to be, and try to create this image that I believe about mothers and daughters. I realized I no longer want to play the role of dutiful daughter or keep engaging in the story. I want to live without role, identity, expectation, assumption…

Ah-so… light dawns - now what…

I discovered that it helps not to see my mother as “mother” – as the role, the identity – but just another being, like me, living her life. What if I could interact with her without the label, or the image – without trying to change myself or her…

Who knows! I’ll have to see how the dance changes with this new awareness…

As I experienced this, this week, I was reminded of the Norman Rockwell paintings, especially at this time of year with the emphasis on “family.” I wondered if Norman Rockwell ever had a “real” family. Maybe he just painted images of families – which we want to believe…

Art print - Norman Rockwell