Darth Vader Strikes Again...

Today I came crashing back to Earth, and in a flash I experienced “the dark side” again. I discovered just how much anger is still here. Whoa. Get ready for the laser show folks. It was triggered in a flash by ignorant words spoken from frustration. This I know in my Being, but my reaction came from my own old wounded heart. I saw exactly how it gets triggered in me, and how it spreads like wild fire when unchecked. It’s a little embarrassing, but thought it would be therapeutic for me to blog about it here… And maybe you can relate too. And just when I thought the non-duality cosmic light show was getting pretty spectacular too… Darn… Anything to keep me humble. So it’s story time… Oh c’mon, you know you still like a good story! :)

I called my sister today, as it is her birthday tomorrow and we were planning a little get together for her to help celebrate how far she’s come since her “accident” March 3rd when she broke her back and injured her neck. I called to make sure that everything was still on for tomorrow and to find out what else, if anything, she wanted for her birthday dinner, (which is take out btw. Short order cook I’m not. My family doesn’t like the kinds of foods I prepare. You know, the “good” stuff. So take out it is!) Anyway, it was clear that my sister was not in a good space, so I did my usual song and dance routine about look how far you’ve come – trying to encourage. But that wasn’t good enough. I maintained my composure as she went on about how bad everything was for her: the heat, the air-conditioning that wasn’t working right, her life that isn’t going the way she wants it, etc. Still, I was trying to put a good face on it. (Maybe that was my problem.) I tried more encouraging words, and empathy. I asked if there was anything in particular that was causing her to feel this way. It was met with the statement: It’s just my whole f-ing life in general. Where have you been for the last three months!? (Said sarcastically, as if I didn’t know how hard her life has been – and not just for the last 3 months.) And of course I was the one who was there for her, who kept her secrets, her lies. I was there for her physically and emotionally, despite my own physical and health difficulties, for 6 straight weeks, until she was more capable and independent enough to be on her own. And I’ve still been available to her as needed for the last 6 weeks as well. I mean, last I checked I was there. Maybe she just didn’t *see* me… But maybe that’s the issue – it’s all about “me.” Ooops.

Her words cut deep. Her excuse was that she was hot and cranky. I got off the phone as quickly as I could, before the eruption - ready for a rant.

It surprised me the level of anger her insult brought; the level of hurt. That’s where the anger comes from – being hurt - wanting to protect against the pain that only family can inflict. And it’s not about being appreciated. But I certainly didn’t anticipate being insulted either, even if I know that she acted in ignorance. Evidently there’s still a strong sense of “self” here. The “me” was offended. The mind kicked in – creating a story: How dare she, after all I’ve done for her… I reached for my laser gun under my cape. I made a phone call – no chanting or meditating here – oh no. It was time for the light show! I sputtered and fumed, waving the laser wand in huge sweeps of angry reactivity, wiping out those little birthday candles on the cake with a few choice words of my own. It still didn’t make me feel better. In fact, the amount of reactivity surprised me – as I indulged. I could not muster compassion. I could not step away from the story, the hurt, the emotion. I just had to allow the anger to run its course… However, I don’t recommend venting. It involves people you don’t really want to involve and it doesn’t really solve anything constructively. It relieves a little steam, but then there’s still the gaping wound. Even if I rationalize that she acted in ignorance, from a place of unconsciousness, and she can’t help herself – the wound is still there. And just because I may be on a “spiritual path” doesn’t mean I have to accept rudeness and insult, especially from someone who has a history of mowing people down verbally when things don’t go her way. Or so the “me” tells itself.

Interesting emotion Anger is. It has been a life long companion of mine; the twin of Anxiety. I *know* what triggers it: the “self” feeling slighted, insulted, misunderstood, abused, not heard, dismissed, disrespected, disregarded, unattended to by significant others in my life; fear, frustration and pain. Shall I go on… :) Yes, this is a familiar “friend”, and I don’t expect she will be leaving any time soon. So little Darthie still has a place at the table, except, I didn’t expect her to show up unexpectedly today. Like she was going to notify me first!?

So here I sit with “anger” – the Mystery as Darth Vader playing itself out in the shadow side of life. Little Darthie has tucked the laser gun under her cape – for now. It is safe to approach.

~*~