In the past week we have had several major mundane issues that needed tending to. The “serpentine belt” on the “good” car needed replacing. Sunday morning the garage door failed to open, despite my open-says-me, requiring a repairman. Monday evening the sewer line backed up into the basement. The plumber was here today reaming out the lines. It appears tree roots had grown into the pipe and clogged it like a little nest. These are issues that can happen to anyone, but all at once!? And although I know this is part of life just being what it is, I’m calling for a time out!
Today was also our 31st wedding anniversary. Not a celebration of wedded bliss, but marriage as “awakener” – the continuous nitty-gritty challenges of relationship and learning how to maneuver through them. And, along with that it seems, the continuous challenge of the mundane. We had intended to spend the day out on a small adventure, but here we were spending more time in the sludge of life, waiting on the plumber to get the flow going again. Come to think of it, this *is* a metaphor for our marriage. We’ve been so clogged up with the challenges of living that we’ve lost a lot of our flow. But that’s another blog…
During these trying times of practical reality I found the old emotional reactive patterns were awakened – like sleeping giants. There they were – Phee, Phi, Pho, and Phum – emerging from their caves. No lofty platitudes running through my head of “resting in awareness”, or stepping back for the bigger perspective. Oh no, it was the nitty-gritty dirt band of trolls under the bridge that started playing their tune, and I bought into it – knowingly – if that’s possible. Not unconsciously, but willingly dancing with the music.
I can tell myself: It is what it is, rest in awareness, let life unfold. They all sound so good, but we’re rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic here and the water is already up to our necks. I wonder how much longer we will be able to tread water and if there will be an air pocket left. Does “The Universe” want us to drown?! Maybe so… Yet, life goes on, things get fixed, I’m still breathing - so far. I *want* to “rest in awareness” like all the “gurus” say – to just let it be what it is – but… Yes, I’m still attached to the buts. But - I want life to flow, to be able to relax into life, trusting life. Yes, I admit it, I *want* life to be different than what it is at the moment, at this moment, in this NOW. The many “now” moments of chaos and upheaval that we have endured for years it seems have worn me down. Maybe that’s the point of it – wearing the “me” out until it gives up with its wants, and buts.
But - there’s another but - is it really resistance to want life to be different that what it is? Is it really the ego that wants life to be different, or is it Life Itself saying that things need to change… Is accepting “what is” mere resignation. I am questioning everything these days… Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel or is it just a freight train barreling down the track…
No matter how many questions I ask, or how many different ways I try to look at it, it seems it still comes back to “awareness” – just seeing what is playing out *without* the emotional engagement in it, if at all possible – AND making the necessary changes; accepting what is happening - as my husband reminds me - it *is* what’s happening, AND adapting to the situation – moving with it as much as possible. I *know* this is true. No matter how I look at it, it’s really just a story playing itself out in form. So - do I *believe* the story, or see beyond the story… Hmmm…
I’d like to have another story please! Could we change the channel? Can I buy a vowel? Pardon me while I whine… I’m so ready to awaken from this dream I’m dreaming!
When I read your list of "happenings" I thought wow, there is a lot of energy moving there! When this happens to me I like to look at the events and wonder how they relate to other things going on in my life from the point of view of synchronicity; no cause and effect, just relationship. How might I gain some insight or direction?
ReplyDeleteYes, truly not a fun series of events which always seems particularly not fun at a time of year when it's supposed to be all treats and mistle-toe! Hang in there! Every story has a new chapter. Prayers & hugs to you
ZenDS - Could you maybe expound more on what you mean when you say: "look at the events and [see] how they relate to other things going on...from the point of view of synchronicity." This sounds interesting to me, but need some clarification. Can you give an example here?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the prayers and hugs! :)
I have this wonderful little book called "The Tao of Psychology", by Jean Shinoda Bolen. I love its description and discussion of synchronicity. The basic premise that it operates on is a very Buddhist one; everything is connected. And then if everything is basically energy that moving and shifting is working on things we don't normally perceive as connected. And it's just another way of mining events for direction. Is that plumbing issue, talking about some physical or mental state we hold? Perhaps. Bolen calls it the "Agatha Christie approach to synchronicity. She gives an example of someone going to sign a deal and a skunk walks by the window.
ReplyDeleteI once took a feng shui course and in my enthusiasm started moving things around and employing cures based on a little bit of knowledge. Before I knew it a fuse connected to the freezer blew and then something else, maybe the bath tub drain backed up, I don't quite remember. But I remember thinking, whoa, I should be careful here.
So it was just a thought, that although it feels awful and perhaps not positive, energy is moving. Now you get to put on your detective's hat and participate in it's flow!
Yes, thank you! Now I'm seeing what you mean! Yes, energy is moving for sure... And I'm beginning to see the "connections." And I love the idea of "mining events for direction." I spent some time with that today, looking at the imagery of "entanglements" - "blockages"; things wearing down and wearing out - entropy; the coordination of all parts for effective functioning; expending a lot of effort and energy but spinning my wheels and going nowhere; doors not opening; creating flow, etc. Very enlightening :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the clarification. It was helpful! And the reference to Bolen's book. I'll check it out too.
with gratitude - C
When I see your writing above I think "phoenix rising from the fire" but perhaps fire is not the imagery here, compost? Of course there is always that beautiful Buddhist imagery of the lotus growing out of the mud of daily life.
ReplyDeleteI think it's the Phoenix rising from the ashes after its former image has been burned to toast :) Which, in a way, is exactly how this feels. Through these ongoing challenges my "me" - the sense of "me" - is being burned to toast, which I know is a good thing, but she's not going willingly - which is why the whining :) I look forward to the "Phoenix Rising" part! And of course I love the imagery of the Lotus growing out of the mud! Thanks! C
ReplyDeleteMs Meanderi,
ReplyDeleteSuch a lovely weaving of your thoughts here...so nice to follow. I remember years spent like this, hoping to shift the scenery, wanting something else to unfold, but, as you say, sinking into and just accepting awareness is so key. When I can get there (even in the midst of the sludge) I can breathe. The world gets clearer. All is well. Mara visits again and the process starts all over. Holding you in heart, thought, and prayer as your "believe, breathe, and smile" in the New Year.
Hi jan ~
ReplyDeleteSuch sweet words you offer - thanks. Even knowing that awareness is key, I still fall into these "traps". Booby traps :)(As we all do from time to time.) But as you say - when I get to the place of awareness again then I regain perspective, breathe, and allow... Such much easier that way! :)
In gratitude for the Heart holding :) - MeANderi