Discovering the Real "awakening?"

Sitting at the hairdresser again last Friday, waiting for my mother, getting another chance to read one more chapter in Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, I realized that maybe life does indeed present us with what we need to open our hearts – on this road called “awakening” – or whatever name we give it that we are supposedly doing here. :) Maybe it could be called the road of ever increasing “aware-ing.”

I have heard it said by many teachers that whatever you are living now you have asked for. I have resisted that statement because I have taken it literally. I did not specifically ask for my life circumstances - to have to tend to my mother’s needs or be of help to her in the way that I am now on a daily basis. Neither did I ask to be so engaged in my sister’s crisis of life over the past several months. The three of us are now entwined in each other’s lives in a way that I never expected. Yet, here we are - life as it is: awkward, stressful, riddled with feelings, emotions, and the tensions of unresolved family dynamics – as well as – the laughter and care and concern for one another’s well-being.

What I did ask for, several years ago when I was very ill and *thought* I was dying – an illusion of my body/mind – was that I wanted to be a presence of love. Now when I requested that back then I was romanticizing this idea that I would suddenly be “enlightened” and become this flowing, loving Presence – like some fairy god-mother I guess, spreading love like fairy dust over the world… I used to think the goal was to “awaken” *from* life as it is, and then everything would be “different.” I’d be more loving, more compassionate; life would be easier, more fluid; things would just fall into place…

Ah, the Universe – it’s such a jokester.

Instead, since that declaration of what I assumed I wanted to be, and what I assumed I was missing, I have been given many, many *opportunities* to *be* this Presence: to show up for others, like now with my mother and sister… Not all of them were recognized as such, and I certainly did not “show up” in every circumstance in a way that was beneficial, nor meet life circumstances with my *idea* of what “love” is supposed to look like – no fairy dust or magic wand. Mostly I saw these opportunities that life offered as obstacles to what I *imagined* myself becoming – which of course was radiant and glowing, oozing with love and light. In reality life has been lived down in the trenches, in the practical everydayness of living – with dirt on my face. Seeing myself in this way is sometimes hard to swallow… Mirror, mirror on the wall – heh, heh, heh – I’m not the fairest after all…

As I read along in the chapter on “compassion” I began to feel the stirrings of the heart again as she wrote about staying open to life and others - about keeping the heart open and attending to whomever you are with and their real needs in every moment. That hit home, in my present circumstances… She wrote: “the awakened heart is the full realization of our nature. We let ourselves be touched by life, and our hearts naturally open and engage…” This is what I really wanted when I asked to be a presence of love way back when – to be open and engaged… I just didn’t expect that it would come through the details of the practical circumstances of daily living…

Keeping the heart open it seems is the Real “awakening”, not floating in Awareness – disengaged from life – dismissing everything and “others” as an appearance only, but seeing beyond the appearance to the Real – the Real in form – being touched by the Real and what is *really* happening in our lives and the lives of others, and meeting that with an open heart… Showing up for life and doing what is needed. Allowing myself to be touched by others and their life circumstances means allowing my heart to be vulnerable and open, aka loving – as awkward as that feels. And yes, I know there is no “other”, but how often I have blindly dismissed others as not being real, but just an appearance, part of the illusion, the dream, unreal… I bought into the dream of separation by denying what’s really happening - life as it is…

Am I “awakened”? I don’t know… I don’t even concern myself with that question anymore… It seems that question is/was just a part of “my story.” Am I a “loving Presence”? Not in the way I had it pictured…

I am however, aware-ing – taking my heart blinders off and meeting life (and others) with awareness, *recognizing* the opportunities to be present with as much consciousness and presence as possible; not denying or rejecting anything life offers – well maybe not completely just yet – allowing myself to be ever increasingly aware of and open to the opportunities that life offers to be present to others as they are – warts and all; being open and vulnerable. Nothing grandiose, nothing “enlightened,” no ooey-gooey love, just discovering the Real in life…

~*~