The Inner Sanctuary Door...

When I posted my first blog post of this year – The Call to Silence – I did not know that *I* was being called to open to the Inner Sanctuary of the Heart.  Sometimes these promptings come below the level of consciousness, when I least expect them.  My “sub-conscious” evidently came out in the last phrase of that post: “May we all have a year of transformative Silence in our Inner Sanctuaries, giving birth to an open Heart” – as this is what *I* wanted as well – an open Heart.  Those words were meant for me as much as anyone else that might read them.

That day I found Chuck Surface’s poem - Remembering What You Love at – Garden of the Beloved – and I was smitten.  Chuck speaks the language of an Illumined Heart, and the Inner Sanctuary Door to my Heart began to open in response.  In fact, that day the Door FLUNG open wide with causeless, immaculate JOY.  And then just as quickly closed again a day later, leaving my Spiritual Heart languishing…  I have no idea why…   Several dark days followed…  Having tasted such sweet openness and then contraction, the Heart felt like it was going to be broken open or crushed – neither happened.  But we won’t go to the shadowlands today. J  Suffice it to say that the shadows of the heart, all those aspects of myself that had been orphaned from Love over the years through conditioning, i.e: – the emotional baggage that had yet to be claimed - also arose with intensity.  This is not uncommon.  But new Life also stirred within…

Everyone has a unique path.  For me I realized that what was needed was/is a permanent, sustainable opening of the Inner Sanctuary of the Heart; an opening into/of the True Heart of "Divine Love."  The sanctuary doors have opened from time to time over the years, giving me glimpses of what it feels like to live with an open Heart…  Like the post on Incubating Love last year – when my Inner Heart spontaneously opened to an Amaryllis flower…  But most of the time the Heart has remained behind electrical fences and thick walls, defending it from breaking – except - the fences and walls have kept it from breaking open.

Sometimes I have felt a little like a cat - managing to slip past the fences, making it to the Sanctuary Door, out of curiosity, out of naïvete and a disillusioned sense of “awakening” or “enlightenment” - but I never found any lasting “enlightenment” behind the curtain in the land of OZ, which I no longer desire anyway – after all my “trying” to get in… J   After all, these too are only concepts.

I often feel like I don’t KNOW anything anymore, feel I have not REALIZED anything at all, in all my years of being on a “spiritual path.”   It’s as if all that I have experienced until now, all the things I have believed and “knowledge” I have acquired were just stepping stones leading to the Sanctuary Door of the Heart…

 I am now in a place of not knowing anything with certitude, patiently waiting at the Door, like a cat.  And I’m okay with that as that seems to be my unique path – meandering in the Infinite Mystery of “The Beloved” (kind of like these words :) - knocking at many doors until the Inner Door opens…  Loosening the sense of self-identity and strong attachments as I go…  I’ve listened to many “spiritual wizards” over the years pulling the levers, purveyors of “Truth”, some misguided misinterpretations of “the Truth", not real nourishment…   After a while their words sounded empty.  Their words did not open the Inner Heart – until I read the poetry and writings of Chuck Surface – and even then, the Door only opened for a moment, giving me a taste of the Heart Light – wanting more.

So now what?  Now that I have confessed my shortcomings… J

I simply continue…stoking the embers of the Heart, waiting for “the Beloved” – the secret Guru of the Inner Heart - to open the Sanctuary Door from within…   It does not open “on demand” with a remote control.  *I* cannot make the Door open…  It is not by volition (personal will) or force, but only by grace and surrender to the movement of “The Beloved” from within, opening the Door from the inside in Its own time…  Oh I “know”, on some level, who I really am – my “true identity” – beyond the ego-identity, although I keep forgetting.  There is awareness that I am the Formless in Form, Spirit, Awareness, Consciousness, Life ItSelf – but knowing is not enough. It has to be a felt experience.

My True Heart remains in a bud – waiting to be infused with the GLOW of Love’s Light…  That is the true Longing – to remember the Original Love that we were before we were born, before the need to guard the heart; waiting for That Love to light up the Heart from within…

How interesting that I was drawn to post about the Heart – about Love – in the last few posts…   Now I want to truly experience the open Heart of Love…  And maybe I have said too much here – too personal maybe for some…  Maybe this was only meant to be a whisper to “the Beloved” – Come, open the door to my Heart… 

"...Remember,
the entrance door to the sanctuary
is inside you..."

Rumi