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Friday, August 14, 2009

The Silence of the Night

A night of difficulty sleeping last night. Nothing in particular keeping me awake, except this hum through my body, this intense vibration, like high voltage electricity running through a power line. While I was laying there awake, feeling this incessant humming, I also noticed how silent everything was – just silence - and I rather liked it. And then this phrase ran through my head and I got up to write it down:

"Free myself from attachments and entanglements."

It had a liberating feeling to it, but I had no clue why this ran through my mind at this particular time. Maybe it had something to do with all this “steeping on stories” that I’ve been doing. Maybe it was my inner Guru knocking at my door to impart its wisdom :) With curiosity I began to journal as to what its significance might be. At 1:30am I wrote:

I see it as inclusive of emotional, mental, familial and relational attachments and entanglements, although this doesn’t mean I’ll be giving up relationships and running off to some Guru’s high mountain cave in the Himalayas – but there’s evidently internal attachments and entanglements that I must free myself of…

I can’t be truly “free” if I’m still emotionally entangled in everything – i.e.: hanging onto emotional baggage and emotional reactiveness. So I need to look at the baggage that entangles me.

I didn’t need a seer to figure this one out. Part of the hum running through my body preventing sleep at night is a low level anxiety about life, my entanglements with life that keep me stirred up inside – the stories I’m still attached to *about* life, others, myself.

Not following through with the inquiry however, I was drawn in by the Silence. I just basked in the Silence, and wrote about what I was experiencing on my sleepless night:

I’m finding I like this space of Silence… I feel drawn to it. Everything is quiet – undisturbed – unfiltered. No mental distraction. I need to spend more time here. Sometimes I think it would be nice just to stay up all night to bask in this incredible Silence and the creative insight that comes as a result. I’m just feeling embraced in and aware of the ever present Silence that surrounds me – something I don’t feel during the day unless I’m meditating.

In the silence of the night it’s nice not to have to deal with the daily entanglements of maintaining a life! - like the financial issues, the house issues, relationship issues, and family issues – all the stories I keep getting entangled in. To just devote myself to the Silence without the concern for all the rest of it would be heavenly… I am fully awake to the Silence, available to the Silence without the distractions of the day. It’s not even like meditation. It’s just pure, alive Stillness coursing through me. And of course it’s always there, even in the midst of the daily entanglements of life. I can just *feel* it more acutely now in the silence of the night…

I was tempted to stay up and continue basking, but after about an hour I went back to bed knowing that if I didn’t get adequate sleep there would be a price to pay physically, I’d be totally wiped out.

At 3am I was up again with another statement running through me.

“clear of projection”

I wrote in my journal:

In these words there is the sense of being free from all my projections onto life and others. Just free of projecting my thoughts out there, onto what is… I noted that to be “clear of projection” is to be free to live what is - in the moment, moment by moment, without evaluating or interpreting or judging…. Maybe this is part of being “free” of the entanglements and attachments; being free of the baggage, the *stories* that still hook me, which are really only my own mental projections…

Back to bed – again.

3:30 am – The cat meowing at the side of the bed wanting to be fed. Just as I was finally falling off to sleep…

And life goes on, distractions, thoughts, interruptions… And yet there is always the pull of the Silence, like a gentle invitation… Come, come sit with Me, come and be still…

Heart Smiles – MeANderi

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