Welcome...

Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Crossing a Threshold...


I am about to cross a threshold into 63…  The numbers don’t bother me actually.  It’s the little things that are happening in this body and mind…  I’m actually surprised I made it this far!    Someone once told me that age is all in the mind.  But they don’t live in my body. J   That was flawed even before birth – leaving life-long malfunctioning of the mechanism.  We all have our physical issues, right…  And so at 63 I find the body more challenging to live in…  And the mind is losing its words, using wrong words, unable to articulate like I used to – finding blank spaces where words once were. Like in the previous post, I used the word obtuse instead of obscure, and furtive for fertile… I have since corrected them – and hoped you wouldn’t notice J - but still – words sometimes evade me.   Interesting experience.  Life as I’ve known it is winding down.  I’ve felt this for the last decade – this slowing down of the body mechanism.  Resisting it, or denying it, is like trying to hold back the inevitable.  And so I accept, adapt and refocus – well sometimes… J   Most days I’m just stiff, achy and fatigued – and forget who I really am – and I don’t mean my name J - but who I am at the core of Being – Being ItSelf – because I am preoccupied with the body…

63 is feeling more and more like a crossroads of some kind internally, more than any other threshold that I can remember, and even that ability is getting thin.   But it can’t be “business as usual” any longer.  I cannot spend time on what does not enrich and enliven.   And I must dive deep to find it…

There are deep internal rumblings of something wanting to emerge – to be seen, faced, acknowledged, recognized, even birthed…  There is still something here that wants to *Live* to be *enlivened* - a passion for Life - although felt less frequently.  The internal “shadows” seem deeper and longer in this waning time, as if there is still unfinished business – a deep wound that still needs healing… I know it is still the wound of separation.  Although some would tell me that’s all in my mind as well… J

 No matter what “spiritual path” or how much “spiritual practice” I do, or moments of “awakening” and “non-dual awareness” I experience, there is still a deep heartache and longing for “The Beloved” - for “Home”  -  to return to the root of what I’ve been longing for all my life, since childhood –  the Truth of Existence.  It has been my driving force.  No matter how much I read, or intellectually understand that I’m “already there”, and that there’s nothing to search for, nowhere to go, no “returning”, IT has to be realized, IT has to be *known* intimately through direct experience – apparently over and over again. J  The Self is still calling ItSelf back to ItSelf – back to full Awareness…

As long as it is there – this call - I will follow the longing of the Heart, and dive deep into the depths of Being – like the root of the Lotus…   Several years ago I had a “vision” in meditation of the long root of the Lotus going all the way down through the depths of the water to the bottom.  I didn’t understand what I was seeing then, but I see it now as a call into the depths of Being, to follow the root of Being all the way in.    This is my true threshold to cross – no matter how old… 


“Go IN & IN & IN
until you come to the pure Self - luminous,
the place of pure Being.
Return to the root…
Become aware of who is Seeing…
Go back & back to who you really are – Spirit.
The “final door” is going from form to formless -
Beyond the beyond – the eternally Quiet.

You have to go all the way back before you see
that behind all ‘this’ there is all this in its OM,
its unmanifested form -
seeing the OMness of everything…
Live consciously in all of it,
seeing the OMness of it all…”

Ram Dass



20 comments:

  1. your post reminds me of some lines of Buddhist scripture that basically say "do not waste time". I hear you saying this. This is the upside of paying attention as the inevitable marks of time trace their way across our body/minds.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes... And, I also heard a Buddhist teacher once say - "Do not be distracted as you enter into Awareness. Do not be distracted. Do not be distracted." That has always stayed with me... Thanks :) Glad you had a wonderfully spontaneous trip!

      Delete
  2. A poignant post Christine, you may forget or use alternative words but because there is always such a smooth flow of thoughts here I never would have noticed! I love reading here, the words could have been my own only that I could pen them like you! :~)x

    ReplyDelete
  3. wonderful thoughts.

    i think that body-focus can be a detrimental distraction, but it can also be a need, a desire, a longing, for rootedness. we are soul after all, spirit in body. i know that i need regular reminders to not be a floating mind, ;) but to be in my body and know it just as much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, no - we don't want any disembodied spirits :) lol... I didn't mean to sound as if I deny the body, or escaping. The idea is not to be preoccupied with the body and its ailments, or *identified* with the body (or mind), but with the Essence of who we really are. Having said that :) I often ground myself through "running the energy" through the physical body - being totally embodied, embracing the body... And at times this body calls to me through its symptoms for nurturing and self-care - to pay attention. It's all important. All part of the package we call "me" :) Thanks!

      Delete
  4. I understand and say Amen to that longing for 'home' and 'community' that is there/here and not. For now, I find solace in nature - it too is home. Also in creating. Happy birthday and best wishes/blessings for another twirl around this planet. I find comfort in your words and insight. Andrea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Andrea! Yes, I find solace in nature too - reminders of the Essence of who we really are - love/energy/light... And the "Home" that I was referring to is, for lack of a better word, our "eternal" Home - the place of pure Consciousness, pure Beingness. I have plenty of "family" here - dysfunctional as it is :)

      And thanks for the send off for another year "twirling around this planet" - I love that image! I will keep that in my mind on mornings when I wake up grumbling about the body :) lol

      And thanks for your kind words about what you find here... Blessings to you as well...

      Delete
  5. Wonderfully expressed, Christine! What you were saying about "longing for “The Beloved” - for “Home”- to return to the roots...since childhood," I have experience these feelings too. It has only been in the past two years, when what began with dealing with some illness, I can to realize I'd been longing for my inner truth to be present more--in a more physical way. Of course this gets into all the "nsubstantialness" of the ego, etc., to deny one's feelings is no good either. I am finding more & more of a spiritual home within in, and this is very supportive. As I close in on 40, my body is changing--a lot! And that has been something to get to grips with. So I understand what you are experiencing. :o) ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Tracy! Yes, longing for "inner Truth" is a good way of putting it too! Not denying anything, of course, especially those feelings - embracing it all, and seeing beyond the physical with its ailments to the "inner Truth" of who we are... Not *identifying* ourselves *as* the body,or mind, but as the Essence of who we are, although it is difficult when we start to feel the body winding down and having problems, as you know. Adapt and change seem to be the way of it. Wishing you wellness and easy physical transitions... :)

      Delete
  6. I'm right behind you at 58 (59 in December), Christine, and feeling similar longings, noticing my body's aches, my mind's hitches more often, yet still planning to take a 10-day Vipassana retreat in late November (and feeling apprehensive about it, yet knowing I MUST look at those shadows). Life does, "wind down," as you say, yet it can still surprise us and wind up again in unexpected ways. All of the comments here from your online friends are encouraging, heartfelt, and wonderful reminders of the power of language to inspire, comfort, and shake-up our lives, even if we feel that language isn't "perfect." Thank you for continuing to share your experiences and to inspire me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Chris! I appreciate your words of encouragement as always. How wonderful to be taking that meditation retreat! Such good timing! It will also give you a chance to look at all the "good" stuff that's there too - communing with your Essence of Light - without all the distractions of life that are going on for you right now :) Yes, I have noticed that the body winds up unexpectedly as well, and I will have several good days. Today is one of them. So I'm enjoying it!

      Delete
  7. Such a beautifully poignant post Dear Christine. Thank you. I, too, am right behind you on the age...61. Having wanted to return Home for the past 23 years...actually my entire life...in a way I have lost the last decade...not only of relative life but also, it seems, of my ability to see through the great divide of separation. May the rest of our lives be blessed with the sweetness of undivided Vision. No better birthday present (( * ))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Yes, Yes! Thank you so much for saying that! Truly no greater "present" :) than undivided Vision, which in this case seems to come and go. It's been a life's longing, and always the "great divide of separation" appears - that veil that keeps coming back over these "eyes"/Heart... So I just keep following the Heart... Many Heart Hugs to you!

      Delete
  8. so when you said 'about to cross', i had no idea what day. do you mean we share the exact same day?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we are the exact same day :) I wrote the post on the 4th, and posted it at 11:11pm - heading towards midnight, when I would "cross over" to the 5th - the day of my birth (at 1am actually) :)

      Delete
    2. i felt a strong connection with you. but how fun to also have the same birth day!

      Delete
    3. Thank you Monica, how sweet :) Yes, I feel a connection too!

      Delete
  9. Such a personal post, and yet universal at the same time. I'm the same age as you, a little older, and recognize that feeling of longing that you describe. For me it's like a constant feeling of emptiness way down deep that is aching to be filled. The need to do so feels ever more pressing. But as you say, sometimes it all seems to be another trick of the mind. Certainly the "search" keeps one moving and growing in ways beyond the physical, even while sitting in a cozy armchair like the one you've pictured here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're Back! Yeay :) I assume you got your mother all moved to a new place...

      Yes, the ache deep inside, the great chasm of separation, of emptiness. Even though it is apparently a trick of the mind. And yet - this longing of the Heart continues... Very strange... It's like the mind cannot convince the Heart that its ache is not there, or is it that the Heart can't convince the mind that there is no separation... And it does feel more urgent, although I didn't say it in the post. I'm certainly still a wayfarer in a chair :) But I see you have been a travelin'! :)

      Delete