The "Art" of Remembrance...

It’s been an interesting journey through the art e-course at Bloom True I just finished.  No art to show you yet, except this little corner of a piece. (The rest of it doesn’t look anything like this.)  It just amazes me sometimes what emerges.  This little piece was not intended to look like a flowing river, with river bank and trees.  Can you see it?  It just emerged that way.  It is just marks on canvas, and in this piece is covered by a translucent layer of green.  That’s the mystery of intuitive painting.  Some of my subsequent layers have sometimes come out looking more contrived with images painted in…  But essentially there’s no intent.

Although the course is over, I’m still not finished yet… I have 5 unfinisehd canvases…   When I first signed up for the art e-course in July I anticipated that “art” would open me up to realms of inner Beingness that would flow out onto the canvas.  Instead, I felt only anxiety staring at the canvas.  Each time I step up to the canvas, whether there’s already paint, or the emergence of images on it or not, I contract (except maybe a couple of times) – fearful to make a mistake, of where it’s going to go, of how it’s going to look.  There’s that “not knowing” again that is so anxiety provoking.  Which means - I’m still trapped in the construct of the mind, under the veil of the fabricated self that needs to *know.*  I’ve probably mentioned all this before, but I am reflecting on my experience now, as I continue to try to paint with a sense of inner ease that isn’t apparently happening – much like life… J  

And yet, ironically, the anxiety I experience is now bringing me to what is really needed – the deeper need – the deeper awareness of the mental barriers, as well as of The Mystery, and the awareness of the need to let go – in life as well as in art.  I am more aware that I’m nearly always caught up in an undercurrent of anxiety about life.  It is my auto-pilot approach.  Interesting…  Maybe this was the real need – to become aware through art…

The art course is a very intuitive process of painting.  There is no preconceived *idea* of what to paint.  That’s why I was drawn to this course.  You just start putting paint to canvas, in layers of color and markings, *allowing* the painting to emerge… Interestingly images emerge *through* the many layers… You might like to see Flora Bowley’s (art instructor’s) paintings here.  It’s a free flow of movement, color, and intuitive expression.  It’s not like intentionally painting a landscape, or a portrait, or a scene, or an object – although those things may show up.  And you can add imagery in.  It is totally whatever intuitively wants to be painted.   You can always paint over what you’ve done, or transform it.  Even knowing this the mental block is still there.

So why is this totally free way of painting so challenging?  I think it is partly the fear of the unknown, not feeling in control, the fear of letting go of knowing, my mind wanting something concrete to paint.   In the process of contracting into fear – over what “should” be a joyful creative experience – I forget to stay open and trust the process, to trust The Mystery, to trust what wants to express here – that inner Beingness - some call the Soul, some call Awareness, some call Pure Consciousness.  This veil of fear hides The Mystery from my awareness.

However, paradoxically, the angst over art-making has become a *way* of remembrance.  To open to that anxiety, to fully feel it, to face it has become a vehicle to come back to the Heart of Awareness, if I allow what emerges within me to be felt and seen – and - remember the Silence of Inner Being that is always right there – waiting.  If I open to The Mystery and let go, not being afraid of the fear, but to stand before the canvas of Life and remember who’s really painting this reality; remembering the underlying Rhythm of Life Itself that creates everything we see – then it becomes the “art” of Remembrance - realizing that fear is just an overlay of the mind.

“Every part of you has a secret language.
Your hands and feet say what you’ve done.
And every need brings what is needed…”

Rumi