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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The "Art" of Remembrance...


It’s been an interesting journey through the art e-course at Bloom True I just finished.  No art to show you yet, except this little corner of a piece. (The rest of it doesn’t look anything like this.)  It just amazes me sometimes what emerges.  This little piece was not intended to look like a flowing river, with river bank and trees.  Can you see it?  It just emerged that way.  It is just marks on canvas, and in this piece is covered by a translucent layer of green.  That’s the mystery of intuitive painting.  Some of my subsequent layers have sometimes come out looking more contrived with images painted in…  But essentially there’s no intent.

Although the course is over, I’m still not finished yet… I have 5 unfinisehd canvases…   When I first signed up for the art e-course in July I anticipated that “art” would open me up to realms of inner Beingness that would flow out onto the canvas.  Instead, I felt only anxiety staring at the canvas.  Each time I step up to the canvas, whether there’s already paint, or the emergence of images on it or not, I contract (except maybe a couple of times) – fearful to make a mistake, of where it’s going to go, of how it’s going to look.  There’s that “not knowing” again that is so anxiety provoking.  Which means - I’m still trapped in the construct of the mind, under the veil of the fabricated self that needs to *know.*  I’ve probably mentioned all this before, but I am reflecting on my experience now, as I continue to try to paint with a sense of inner ease that isn’t apparently happening – much like life… J  

And yet, ironically, the anxiety I experience is now bringing me to what is really needed – the deeper need – the deeper awareness of the mental barriers, as well as of The Mystery, and the awareness of the need to let go – in life as well as in art.  I am more aware that I’m nearly always caught up in an undercurrent of anxiety about life.  It is my auto-pilot approach.  Interesting…  Maybe this was the real need – to become aware through art…

The art course is a very intuitive process of painting.  There is no preconceived *idea* of what to paint.  That’s why I was drawn to this course.  You just start putting paint to canvas, in layers of color and markings, *allowing* the painting to emerge… Interestingly images emerge *through* the many layers… You might like to see Flora Bowley’s (art instructor’s) paintings here.  It’s a free flow of movement, color, and intuitive expression.  It’s not like intentionally painting a landscape, or a portrait, or a scene, or an object – although those things may show up.  And you can add imagery in.  It is totally whatever intuitively wants to be painted.   You can always paint over what you’ve done, or transform it.  Even knowing this the mental block is still there.

So why is this totally free way of painting so challenging?  I think it is partly the fear of the unknown, not feeling in control, the fear of letting go of knowing, my mind wanting something concrete to paint.   In the process of contracting into fear – over what “should” be a joyful creative experience – I forget to stay open and trust the process, to trust The Mystery, to trust what wants to express here – that inner Beingness - some call the Soul, some call Awareness, some call Pure Consciousness.  This veil of fear hides The Mystery from my awareness.

However, paradoxically, the angst over art-making has become a *way* of remembrance.  To open to that anxiety, to fully feel it, to face it has become a vehicle to come back to the Heart of Awareness, if I allow what emerges within me to be felt and seen – and - remember the Silence of Inner Being that is always right there – waiting.  If I open to The Mystery and let go, not being afraid of the fear, but to stand before the canvas of Life and remember who’s really painting this reality; remembering the underlying Rhythm of Life Itself that creates everything we see – then it becomes the “art” of Remembrance - realizing that fear is just an overlay of the mind.



“Every part of you has a secret language.
Your hands and feet say what you’ve done.
And every need brings what is needed…”

Rumi



14 comments:

  1. to open to anxiety is such a difficult thing for most of us. we have been taught that anxiety is a Bad Thing, and we're supposed to be happy and feel positive thoughts.

    what magic and gifts lie in store on the other side of anxiety!

    you're walking the walk.

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    1. It *is* very difficult. I usually try to numb it in some way, to suppress it. But this art experience keeps it in my face, so the only thing left to do is to stop, turn and face it... Not easy... Will take several "sittings" I'm sure. There are many layers. But obviously this is what is needed...

      Waiting for the magic :)

      Thank you Monica!

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  2. well said and reflected. how much you have gotten out of doing something that evokes fear. anxiety here is your friend, showing you a facet of yourself.

    as for painting, i have always thought it was important to make a mess. as if one was a three year old making mud pies or finger painting. because one can make many layers and even paint out the entire work if one wants, there are no mistakes. and itsokay to be messy.

    i have always been messy myself, although my house environs tends to be tidy unless i am working on a project. Out of the mess, in the end , comes a painting or poem or novel

    anyway, love the colors of your corner.

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    1. Yes! That is what the art instructor encourages as well - to paint as if you were 5 years old - adding layer upon layer until something emerges from the mess :) lol Heart Hugs Suki!

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  3. Hello!! I'm completely agree with you,Sometimes it's very difficult to share your true feelings,and this was the massive idea to describe this!!Really touching that was. Thank's for sharing with us.Keep it up.
    Body Paint

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  4. Everyone here understands where you are coming from and going towards, I like Rumi's idea "every need brings what is needed". I feel we need each other's support in our journeying and am so glad we all come together! x

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  5. It's interesting how our ideals about what art should look like often hinders us from making our true art. And how useful the process of breaking all that down frees us up. It's hard work, as you know, of meeting with awareness those mental barriers, and learning to let them go. You've had an incredible journey these last week... and you're still on that journey. Having taken the Bloom True course too, I know I'm still on the journey too! I actually enjoyed the showing up and not knowing what would happen when I played with the canvases. I found it very freeing and it enabled me to let go of a lot of my own baggage in terms of art and creativity. It takes time! Using your journey as a tool, as a path of remembrance is a very poignant one... I admire this willingness to walk into the shadows and see beyond! You're being brave and bold, Christine! :o) LOVE watery blues/greens of your painting...((HUGS))

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    1. Thank you Tracy! Yes, it's been an incredible journey in so many ways, exploring new territories both in art and within myself. (I've never actually painted before!) Opening up areas that I didn't anticipate :) And as Flora said, the end of the course is really just the beginning. Am looking forward to finding my own voice, my own style, my own Rhythm. Right now it's still all experimentation based on what was presented in the course - which was incredibly full and vibrant. I'm still absorbing all of it. I think once I start to paint what feels natural to me things will shift. :) Love and Hugs

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  6. Rumi's "Every need brings what is needed" is a perfect summary. . . Thank you for helping me remember.

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    1. As I'm discovering, it's all a journey of remembrance! :) Just staying open to it all is the challenge...

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  7. Inverting our vision: seeing within while looking without (preconceptions).

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