Breakthrough - Acceptance and Awareness...

I’ve been hidden behind a cloud of depression the last couple of weeks.  Dealing with an aging body that doesn’t allow me to do the things I once did with ease; dealing with family dysfunction that tends to keep life in constant chaos, like an undertow of unconsciousness pulling me under; and just the challenges of everyday life with its distractions that keep pulling at me – resisting the pull…

Last week I returned to a regular sitting meditation practice that became part of the breakthrough.  Sitting in meditative Silence without agenda, bringing awareness to what is Aware within, is healing.  Not needing life to *go* a certain way, or needing to *do* something about the way life is going; not needing to *react* to life, but resting in the inner space of Silent Awareness.  Unless one has experienced this deep Awareness of Being, it is hard to explain, and sounds rather boring, maybe even anxiety provoking to sit in the space of Silence.  But it does make a difference.  You become aware of an aliveness in the Silence that speaks, that has rhythm, that is aware.  A recognition arises that you are that Silence, that Awareness.  And you realize that it is this Pure Awareness/Consciousness – the One Reality - that is living us and what we call “my life.”  I must be reminded of this all the time.  It is the mind that keeps dragging me into the shadows of unawareness and non-acceptance, where I beat myself up.

This morning, as I was waking, the words “accept life” came to me.  Really!? J Where have I heard that before! J  Another breakthrough.  Yes, of course!  I was excited as I began to feel “acceptance” for life welling up within.  The cloud started to lift.   I had in mind that I would get up and do my “normal” routine, then meditate, start a mandala, read, do laundry, and maybe do the budget – with acceptance of course - maybe.  Instead, I was distracted by a rather lengthy conversation with my husband, reading inspiring blogs, and unexpectedly wrote this blog post!  I did eventually sit in silent meditation late in the afternoon. J But the day unfolded completely different than I had anticipated.  The mind said: “I should have done such and such…”  Acceptance said, all is as it should be.   

Acceptance is not new, of course.  This is what most great Spiritualities teach – Acceptance and Awareness – the keys to living freely and peacefully…   In seeing life as a distraction, or only seeing the distractions in life that keep *me* from what I *think* I really want, anger and frustration arise - daily, which led to depression (anger turned inwards).  I was identifying with the small disgruntled, unhappy “me”, unaware of the Spacious Awareness of Being that accepts life as it is in a fluid dance of living.  I had forgotten how to dance with life.  It seems for me to be an ongoing process of revelation.

In becoming aware and accepting there was a sense of release and freedom, a sense of anticipation, not expectation, about life without dread of what the day would bring. In Meditative Silence one begins to see life more holistically; that life just is the way it is.  From the space of meditative Awareness there is acceptance and allowing for everything – including depression – that needs to be brought into daily living.  And, I am once again reminded that it’s how we *see* life that makes the difference - the perception.  That too is a key to staying open and aware to what life offers us.

“Think in ways you never thought before.
If the phone rings, think of it as
carrying a message,
larger than anything you’ve ever heard…

When someone knocks on the door,
think that he’s about to give you
something large:
tell you you’re forgiven,
or that it’s not necessary to work all the time,
or that it’s been decided that
if you lie down
no one will die…”

Robert Bly
excerpt from Morning Poems

Via – Love Is a Place

Who’s knocking at your door?
What message is life bringing you
disguised as a distraction, as depression,
as frustration?

You might be surprised!
Knock, Knock… J

Crossing a Threshold...

I am about to cross a threshold into 63…  The numbers don’t bother me actually.  It’s the little things that are happening in this body and mind…  I’m actually surprised I made it this far!    Someone once told me that age is all in the mind.  But they don’t live in my body. J   That was flawed even before birth – leaving life-long malfunctioning of the mechanism.  We all have our physical issues, right…  And so at 63 I find the body more challenging to live in…  And the mind is losing its words, using wrong words, unable to articulate like I used to – finding blank spaces where words once were. Like in the previous post, I used the word obtuse instead of obscure, and furtive for fertile… I have since corrected them – and hoped you wouldn’t notice J - but still – words sometimes evade me.   Interesting experience.  Life as I’ve known it is winding down.  I’ve felt this for the last decade – this slowing down of the body mechanism.  Resisting it, or denying it, is like trying to hold back the inevitable.  And so I accept, adapt and refocus – well sometimes… J   Most days I’m just stiff, achy and fatigued – and forget who I really am – and I don’t mean my name J - but who I am at the core of Being – Being ItSelf – because I am preoccupied with the body…

63 is feeling more and more like a crossroads of some kind internally, more than any other threshold that I can remember, and even that ability is getting thin.   But it can’t be “business as usual” any longer.  I cannot spend time on what does not enrich and enliven.   And I must dive deep to find it…

There are deep internal rumblings of something wanting to emerge – to be seen, faced, acknowledged, recognized, even birthed…  There is still something here that wants to *Live* to be *enlivened* - a passion for Life - although felt less frequently.  The internal “shadows” seem deeper and longer in this waning time, as if there is still unfinished business – a deep wound that still needs healing… I know it is still the wound of separation.  Although some would tell me that’s all in my mind as well… J

 No matter what “spiritual path” or how much “spiritual practice” I do, or moments of “awakening” and “non-dual awareness” I experience, there is still a deep heartache and longing for “The Beloved” - for “Home”  -  to return to the root of what I’ve been longing for all my life, since childhood –  the Truth of Existence.  It has been my driving force.  No matter how much I read, or intellectually understand that I’m “already there”, and that there’s nothing to search for, nowhere to go, no “returning”, IT has to be realized, IT has to be *known* intimately through direct experience – apparently over and over again. J  The Self is still calling ItSelf back to ItSelf – back to full Awareness…

As long as it is there – this call - I will follow the longing of the Heart, and dive deep into the depths of Being – like the root of the Lotus…   Several years ago I had a “vision” in meditation of the long root of the Lotus going all the way down through the depths of the water to the bottom.  I didn’t understand what I was seeing then, but I see it now as a call into the depths of Being, to follow the root of Being all the way in.    This is my true threshold to cross – no matter how old… 

“Go IN & IN & IN
until you come to the pure Self - luminous,
the place of pure Being.
Return to the root…
Become aware of who is Seeing…
Go back & back to who you really are – Spirit.
The “final door” is going from form to formless -
Beyond the beyond – the eternally Quiet.

You have to go all the way back before you see
that behind all ‘this’ there is all this in its OM,
its unmanifested form -
seeing the OMness of everything…
Live consciously in all of it,
seeing the OMness of it all…”

Ram Dass

Wounds of the Heart...

My mother’s cat literally dropped dead at her home a week ago Thursday, leaving my 84 year old mother sitting holding her dead cat in a deluge of tears in the Vet’s office - understandably.   Unspoken wells of emotion came from deep caverns within, flooding the room.  I’m sure it was also years of the hidden emotional pain of life and loss.  Loss can do that.  It brings up a lot of hidden issues we didn’t know were there.  My teary eyed sister and I tried to console her.  But what can you do when a woman does not want to be consoled, when she pulls away in bitterness, and uses the opportunity to zing you with her words.  Anger and pain are closely related.  While cradling her dead cat like a newborn, she said: “I know *other people* didn’t like you but *I* loved you – indirectly pointed at the two of us – purposely shrugging each one of our hands off her shoulder – pulling away.  Ouch…

My mother’s cat was not a cuddly, loving cat.  You had to keep your distance, and pass by him carefully undergoing a gauntlet of hisses and swats.  No, we didn’t warm up to him.  But we each have lost a cat and know the deep pain and grief of losing a beloved pet.  And we were being rebuffed for our offering.  I could only step back in wonder at how deep my mother’s pain must go to use this opportunity to bite back – unconsciously, I know.  This hasn’t been the first time either.  As my sister and I stepped away and moved across the room I became aware of an internal hurt to the zing, and a reaction arose.  Instead of love, an incredible awkwardness filled the room – and the ride home from the Vet.  The remnants of unclaimed baggage…

How does one express love and compassion to a woman who obviously can’t receive it, whose emotional baggage is so heavy she has no free hands to receive any offer of consolation.  Whose wounds are so deep they won’t allow her to authentically love – or be loved.  This is the dynamic in my family vortex, and I imagine in many other families as well.  We all have them – the baggage, the wounds, the denial, the blaming, the deep bitterness of not feeling loved and nurtured enough that poisons relationships and gets carried from generation to generation.

Over the years we all have had our own ways of wounding each other with our hidden pain - with sharp tongues, with sarcasm and criticism, with anger - revealing our inability to hold our hearts open. Unable to speak of our wounds with each other in mature, authentic ways that heal, we default instead to the dysfunction, reverting to the passive-aggressive hurtful behavior of our prickly personalities – with little digs that get expressed to relieve the hidden suffering, to bite back, to be right – to try to control our pain.

Many years ago I became aware of my own pain and dysfunction – my shadow side - and began to get some much needed professional help. I also took up the so-called “spiritual path” to find a “better way”, to become more conscious of my own deeply hidden wounds – and – to “awaken” to who I really am at the Heart of Being beyond the pain.  This does not make me special, or more evolved, or “better than.”  I just wanted to move past the pain, and to know the Truth.  I thought I had gotten past the pains of the past, but last week I could feel the heart ache flood to the surface again.  I was a bit surprised actually.  The difference was, I could just let it be there, just notice it rise (and after a couple of days dissipate.)  No longer willing to lash out from hurt in anger, I was just aware – aware of my own woundedness and everyone else’s, still trying to be present - from a safe distance emotionally – allowing some space as the thunder rolled through everyone. 

It became clear that the cat’s death had become a catalyst for the emergence of unspoken family pain again…  But what can one do when other family members don’t want to *see* their pain, to face the 500 pound elephant in the room, refuse to get help while drowning in a sea of dysfunction – threatened by the mere exposure of the deep, open family wound that makes my heart ache to write about it...

“Accepting life as it is” sometimes gets bandied about in non-dual circles like a cliché, but the pain of “life as it is” needs to be addressed at times… At some point there has to be a willingness to *see* - our own and each other’s wounds - a willingness to get to the root of the wound: the *belief* in separation from our Eternal Beingness/True Nature.

Non-dual awareness, teachings, practices, methods, and techniques are not a “spiritual bypass” for our pain.  Nothing is left behind.  Everything is allowed as part of the fabric of Reality – the suffering, the wounds, the shadows, the tears in the fabric of living.  And there needs to be a willingness to open to those wounds through awareness, tenderness and compassion *for* the woundings.   And through that, a different path emerges, so that we are not unconsciously defaulting to the path of hidden pain and suffering, again and again… 

But - are we willing to expose and unwind the wounds of the Heart?   Are we willing to wake up and see the Truth of who we really are and not *live* in our wounds…   Obviously I’m still facing mine :)

~

Photos

The pictures are from a scrapbook I did many years ago when I was addressing the wounds of the Heart.
They are individual collage pages dealing with some aspect of “the wound” as I understood it back then.
What I didn’t understand at the time was the deep wound of separation
that is at the root of our sense of woundedness and suffering -
the not *knowing* of who we really are…

It was only when I began to be aware of our inherent True Nature/Beingness
that the wounds began to be faced and embraced – over time…

May we all wake up from “the wound.”

All We Are, we are...

All this week the phrases: "All We Are, we are" and “just be as you are,” have been running through my head. The first phrase is the chorus line of a song by the same name that caught my attention a year ago while at the grocery store. The second is the title of one of Ramana Maharshi’s books (Be As You Are). And after my "Life is Everything" moment in the previous post, I once again became aware that ALL we are, we are. All of who we are is Consciousness expressing ItSelf here. We are the Self – expressed. However you label that: - Beingness, Life, God-Consciousness, the Vastness, Awareness, the Space of Emptiness/Stillness - is living ItSelf *as* us in every moment. You probably heard this theme in my last post. It’s a reoccurring theme that keeps driving itself home here. So I write about it. Interesting phrase – “driving ItSelf home.” :)

We can’t be anything other than what/who we are. We are who we are… All of it – not just the parts we like, but even our hidden parts, the “darker” parts; the depression, the anger, the anxiety, the restlessness, the doubts, the uncertainties, the insecurities, the resistances, and the seeker in us… All of it is the Face of the Self – Being – expressing ItSelf as us – authentically.....Life as it is – me exactly as I am. There is nothing that needs to be changed! Nothing wrong with this expression called “me.” There is nothing that needs to be done away with, practiced into perfection, improved on, polished to make it look shiny and “enlightened.” The “awakening” is the *seeing* that we are all an expression and the experience of Beingness.

The waves of the Ocean rising and falling back into ItSelf are still the Ocean – in movement with ItSelf. We are the ripples on the pond - all ripples being the movement of the pond. Not separate. Not separating out the good and bad waves, as I tend to do – still – *believing* that “enlightenment”/”awakening”/perfection/True Nature is something to attain or achieve somewhere down the road, something to grow into – that IT somehow should *look* different than the way it looks now. In believing this way I “complexify” ("I" loves to make up words:) what is really very simple - the simplicity of simply becoming *aware* of the space of Awareness – aka: True Nature/The Nature of Reality/Buddha Nature/Christ Consciousness - that expresses ItSelf as this “me.” THAT is who “we” are. THAT is who lives this life.

You’ll have to pardon my enthusiasm as I rediscover this for myself. :)

Everything is THAT. I know this, and I forget this. I become aware and then unaware… And so the still small Voice continues to use the ordinary to softly whisper ITs music through my head:

All We Are, we are...

Just BE as you are…

~*~

"...the heart of all practices is simply sustaining the
luminous nature of present awareness...."

Dzogchen Master

Jamgon Kongtrul Rinpoche
The Great Perfection

~*~

Photo - "The Face of Self"

Shadow of Bamboo leaves
with rainbow reflected on a wall...

"Letting Go" of Control Window

Sometimes what we need to see comes through the window of life itself, not just “window sitting.”

As I mentioned in a previous post, there are still “patterns of the me” that are emerging in awareness here. Control appears to be one of those patterns, and was brought home to me recently through interactions with my mother. As I have heard several teachers say: If you think you are enlightened, spend time with your family. For some of you this post may constitute “story." However, I often find that what is considered “story” can be a great teacher - allowing me to step back and experience the Dharma in the situation.

My mother is 82 years old and getting ready for eye surgery Monday after a failed first surgery 4 months ago. I have tried to be “helpful” in the preparation for this upcoming surgery – meaning: I feel the weight of responsibility to be “on top of things” in an attempt to make sure everyone is on the same page, that all ducks are in a row – which has not been welcome by my mother. It has been met with resistance and with irritation at me for at least trying to make sure everything is understood and the appropriate questions are asked to the appropriate people – without actually “taking over” – meaning not taking the control out of my mother’s hands – trying to respect her and allow her to make her own decisions and ask her own questions. But when I see mental acuity failing, I feel a need to step in. Confusion has been created because she has been told different things by different people. The more I try to make sure that everything is in place, the right questions asked and understood, and urge her to get clarification, the more she resists. It’s a dance that my mother and I have danced many times. And I no longer want to dance this dance.

So I’ve had to recognize that my need to be on top of things, to be responsible, is my subtle way of trying to be in control, trying to make sure everything turns out “right” – under the guise of “caregiving” – by taking on the role of “responsible daughter.” It is also indicative that there is still a *belief* in a separate “me” that can control life and its situations… This pesky little me…

How I function in this “responsible mode” – stressed, anxious, insecure, controlling - is not helpful to anyone. Attempts to control through instructing her on what to do, correcting her misperceptions, prodding her like a child to take responsibility and so forth only serve to alienate. I know this. But those hardwired neurons keep misfiring, sending me the fear messages that I need to be in control. I ignore them as much as possible and offer my mother encouragement and subtle, supportive suggestions instead – giving her a sense of control, a sense of “rightness”, rather than “wrongness”, which seems to be more “helpful.”

But can this “me” really willingly “let go” of its need for control? (And it doesn’t help to tell myself that there is no “me.”) My experience is that I cannot will myself to “let go” of anything – even the sense of “me.” It has to come through relaxed awareness – and trusting that life is as it should be. Through being aware and bringing awareness to a situation, there is a natural “letting go.” Stepping back into the greater context of Awareness is what allows a “letting go” to occur. It allows the pattern of “me” to be seen. Once the “pattern” has been seen, recognized – found out – so-to-speak, its grip loosens. It is no longer “me” trying to “let go” – another form of control. It lets go on its own, as it is no longer able to hide in the shadows of my mind. *It* lets go *by means of* the awareness that is brought to it - by letting the light of awareness in, and by how willing I am to actually face it, as many times as I need to.

And there is another aspect I had to look at as well. For me this “letting go” through *awareness* is an ongoing process of relaxing into a deeper sense of the all-encompassing Beingness that we actually are - and allowing That to be my focus. By continually bringing awareness to what is Aware, and not trying to figure out how to let go, or how to control the situation, noticing what it feels like to be in this space of Awareness, a “letting go” occurs on its own. By bringing awareness to what is Aware, “letting go” is no longer an issue – there is just a subtle dissolving of control, and acceptance of the way things are. From this space of Awareness I don’t get into struggle with the *concept* of “letting go” – or with my mother. I don’t follow the *thought* that I need to let go – or that I need to be responsible. It’s more of a space of allowing, of letting things, life and people be what/who they are. This does not mean that I do not take the necessary actions in the care of my mother – when needed - but it is not a fear-based need to be in control of how things go and the way they may or may not turn out. From this space of Awareness there is a softening of old patterns and a more genuine, open-hearted presence that emerges.

Although, I have to admit, there is still a lurking sense of fear-based responsibility for my mother’s well-being and the resulting anxiety… And so it is…

~*~

"Awareness Never Changes" Window...

This little piece below came this morning through Non-Duality Highlights (link below) – a “newsletter” sent out regularly with articles, quotes, and sayings from traditional and contemporary “teachers” of Non-Duality; as well as many others who are just sharing their experiences of Non-Duality and Spirituality. It offers another “window” with which to see and experience That which Is…

Sometimes their writings speak directly to my experience. This was one of them, so I have reposted this here to share with you… In *essence* this is what I was speaking of in my last post, “Abandon Everything.” It is the ‘This’ that I was referring to, and what I am becoming more and more aware of as I steep in my “Inside-Out” experience from last week – but Richard Miller captures the essence of it here with much more simplicity and clarity… It is entitled: "Awareness Never Changes."

~~~~~~

Beyond the moving mind lays a background of Stillness that never changes.
The mind must come to know the Self as this pervading background of Stillness.

Realize that nothing observed or experienced is you.
Nothing experienced binds or obscures you.
Take no notice of what is not your Self.
Nothing observed is ultimately who we are.

Be aware of being aware.
Be aware deliberately and consciously.
Broaden and deepen this field of awareness.

You are always conscious of the mind.
Now be consciously aware of yourself as being aware.
Be Awareness.
In this there is no separation of observer and observed.
Look upon the objects of the world.
See that all objects are extensions of Awareness.

There is only Awareness.
There is only Presence.
There is only God.

*Words Richard C. Miller


You can visit the blog site called Non Duality America blog where many writers contribute at:
http://nondualityamerica.wordpress.com/2010/10/12/awareness-never-changes/

The Non-Duality Highlights newsletter link is: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NDhighlights/

Photo – The inside of a large earthen flower pot
taken by my husband…

~*~

Abandon Everything Window

Abandon everything for ‘This’

Abandon
all ideas, thoughts, opinions,
concepts, stories,
judgments, resistances,
relationships…

You are not obligated to anyone, or any thing…

Abandon every thing for ‘This’ –
for the truth of ‘This’…

Abandon everything for intimacy with ‘This’:
That which is Aware…
That which is Awareness ItSelf…
That which just Is – just ‘This’…

Abandon everything and just be ‘This’ -
’This’ that is your True Nature…

Abandon the concepts of ‘self’ for ‘This’ -

Abandon all false ideas and strategies -
all attachments of the ‘self’…

Abandon self-imposed constraints
of the ‘self’ – of living from the ‘self.’

Abandon reliance on ‘self’ –
the construct of ‘self.’

Abandon the sense of ‘self’
and open to the Vastness of the pure Awareness of
just ‘This’…

Everything that exists, exists within the Vastness
of ‘This’

Succumb to ‘This’ –
the pure Awareness awareing…

Everything is held in ‘This’ -

Just ‘This’…

Live with abandon to ‘This’

~*~


Mystic Meandering
copyright
Oct. 11, 2010

3 Practices Window

Besides my window sitting practice, and my sitting meditation practice, I have 3 other “practices” that I practice for a greater sense of awareness of the Awareness/Buddha Nature/Self/Inner Being – that enlivens this body-mind-being – that I thought I’d share.

The first one I do every morning before rising. As I come out of sleep mode, and usually just before the mind kicks in, I rest in that spacious place, breath into the lower dantien, and repeat the words: “I am Awareness” or just “Awareness.” When I say this, an amazing sense of energy runs through my body from head to toe – an aliveness that feels like all my cells are “aligning” or harmonizing in some way. There is a sense of being a part of the entire cosmos, like a “cosmic intimacy.” It brings a sense of alive Presence to this body-mind-being. It’s quite delightful actually, and actually grounds me, as well as gives me a sense of inner aliveness with which to meet the day.

This second one I haven’t done in a long time, but remembered to do this just the other evening, and will continue to do so. In Zen they have a saying that says: “step back until you step into the Looking ItSelf” – into seeing what’s Seeing through your eyes. Several years ago I tried this “stepping back” as an experiment. I sat on the cushion in meditation and figuratively, inwardly, “stepped back,” or in this case, sat back until I *felt* what was Looking through these eyes – until I *felt* what was embodying this body. It was very visceral. I felt this body actually sink into this sense of Inner Being. It opened a sense of curiosity in me and I later tried it while watching TV. I “sat back” internally & energetically, and actually felt a shift *in* the body. A sense of Presence opened up and I had a sense of sinking more deeply into the body. Whenever I do this, whether in the shower, or when doing dishes, or when driving the car, it brings a sense of alive awareness *and* a sense of groundedness – embodiment. It gives me a visceral sense of the Beingness that animates this body that experiences this life, that sees and knows from the place of deep Awareness, deep Aliveness. It is a sense of Oneness with That which is Awake and Aware - the Aliveness that we all are.

I’m sure most of us have all felt the sense of separateness from our True Self at one time or another. It’s what sets many of us on our spiritual journeys – seeking for this Beingness that we are. So how would it feel to know that we *are* this Being that we long for? The third “practice” may or may not be considered a “practice.” It is more of a question. It’s one that I intend to start asking myself: What would it feel like to be fully awake? Or, said another way – What would it feel like to really know that I am this Beingness - how would that feel… I will probably ask this one at the window, and see what happens.

I’d be interested to hear what practices help you to have a greater sense of inner awareness of your True Nature/Buddha Nature/Self/Inner Being – your Aliveness! What practices give you a sense of being the awakened Presence that you are?

~*~

Self is what you are…

Fathomless in which experience and concepts appear…

Self is the Heart…Emptiness.

It shines to Itself, by Itself, in Itself.

Self is what gives breath to life.

Only Self is…

Self is the indweller of all Beings.

Enlightenment is always Here.

Presence is always here,

and you are always That…

It is your Heart…

…all comes back to the Heart…

Papaji ~ The Truth Is

~*~

More on Awareness...

I've been reading back through my journal notes to see what insights I've gleaned over the last couple of months and it has amazed me that I would have these momentary insights, awarenesses, and then forget them as if I never had them! And so I evidently have to go back and read my notes to remind myself what insights I actually had that I might bring to my present circumstances. There are several themes that are always there – not only about life circumstances – but the insights that arise as well. They arise over and over again like little lights shining that say – here – look at this, see this. And then they somehow get dimmed again. The one that kept popping out at me from the pages was - Awareness.

On Nov. 29, 2009 I wrote: “ My ‘new’ mantra is ‘Awareness.’” Not like “awareness” is so “new” to me – but something was calling my attention *to* Awareness and there was a “new” awareness of Awareness emerging. So I looked back to see what might have created that statement. There were entries about how I keep re-identifying with the mind, with the thoughts that run through, believing them, and getting lost in the thought stream. Ah yes, I remember I wrote a blog around these issues - The Stream of Suffering – about the simplicity of using breath and awareness to *meet* the suffering and the thoughts that created it.

With my proclamation that "my new mantra is Awareness,” the realization that unfolded in my notes was that there is only Awareness, a field of Awareness, a timeless space of Awareness in which everything rises and falls, in which everything exists. This is also not “new” to me, but it was as if I was re-kindling an old flame that had dimmed its light, the flame of an alive, full, fluid awareness that sees, that knows, that just is – a Knowing Awareness that lives here, that is present here – as this form called “me.” The “spiritual teachers” say to turn and recognize this Awareness that we are and to rest in That – this omnipresent Presence; to experientially feel this Inner Being and rest there; to step back into the Looking Itself and just see, notice what is noticing. And of course the ultimate realization (if there is one), the gurus say, is to recognize that we ARE this Awareness – this Spacious Existence – this Presence. It is our True Nature – our Beingness.

The “practice” seems to be to bring awareness not only to the present moment, or to the things in our awareness – like the thoughts, feelings, emotions, the body - the objects in our awareness - but to bring awareness *to* this Awareness in us that is aware – or so I wrote in my notes. It’s like my focus has been on the “things” *in* Awareness - rather than on Awareness Itself – identifying with the thoughts and feelings. The analogy of words on a blackboard has been used by many teachers. We don’t *see* the blackboard as the spaciousness in which the words exist, we just focus on the words written there – and the concepts they represent. We get entangled in the words and concepts. Or, another analogy is of the clouds in the sky. We focus our attention on the clouds floating by, but miss the fact that they are suspended *in* the spaciousness of the sky. So is our planet for that matter, but we can’t see it from our position. And so from this “field” of Awareness in which everything exists, from which everything arises - whether thought, feeling, emotion, physicality, events, suffering, struggling, pain – everything is seen, is noticed as just arising in and from this Greater Context of Aware Presence. From this space it is also realized that - *essentially* - we ARE this Knowing Awareness; this alive, awake, aware Beingness. In this space of Awareness it is seen that every moment is the present moment. There is no past or future. It’s all Infinite Presentness. All that is needed, it seems, is to become *aware* of this Awareness that is aware…

So this is my “new” experiment – to once again become aware of the Awareness that is aware - to immerse myself in this Awareness - to see as Awareness sees - to *live* as Awareness – to *abide* as Awareness in the everydayness of life. There are many, many distractions for this “Meandering Mystic” that seem to take my attention away from this awareness of Awareness. Many times over the years I have had to start over, although I know it is not a linear path that leads *to* Awareness – but simply consciously being aware of what is aware in every moment. There are sometimes wonderful moments of clarity in this and sometimes an opaque veil drops down over this seeing. Divine Consciousness sometimes shines through and sometimes appears to hide behind the mask again. But I am committed to bring awareness back to the Awareness that simply sees all the little issues of life that play themselves out in form – that “I” get entangled in on a regular basis.

Is it possible that this is what the path really is – to be aware of Awareness ? It seems it is…

Before the beginning you are pure Consciousness.

You are the Fullness of Love in Love

And the emptiness of Awareness...

You are the One which is aware

of awareness....

You are the One which is even more silent than awareness.

The purpose of all practice is Silence, your real nature.

Just simply be quiet...

Papaji - The Truth Is