A week of
Pneumonia has brought me to my knees – only to find a grey emptiness and
lifelessness, finding myself to be an empty shell of a woman. Just a body in pain, discomfort and very
aware of the absence of spirit. I can’t
even “spiritualize” it, or make it sound “spiritual.” No words of wisdom rise to the surface. I have never experienced anything like it
before. I am entirely focused on the
body mechanism itself and my inability to function. Just making it through each day. I am unable to read or meditate, only
pray…
Twice to
the doctors this week. Throwing up the
antibiotics he prescribed, being told I may have to go to the hospital. Loss of appetite – two days of bread and
water. Seemingly robbed of health and a
sense of Divine Spirit that supposedly animates this body, that I have so come to rely on, yet can’t seem to locate. Only grey emptiness…
To make
matters worse B has been away for 4 days on a business trip. He will thankfully be home tonight.
Today I
just sat and cried – thinking of all the people in the world who are truly
suffering from illness and disease, especially in poverty stricken countries –
with no one to truly love them, or care for them. Feeling a bit "abandoned" myself... How they suffer for lack of
love…
May we
all know deep love in our lives – the love that heals, that sustains and gives us breath… I've come to the conclusion that this is really the only thing that heals - Divine Love
oh dear! sending love and healing ... alixe
ReplyDeleteThank you Dear Alixe. Your love is appreciated, and healing :) This is why I haven't been over to see you. But hopefully I am at the end of this now...
DeleteOh no!! I thought you were enjoying your silent time and here you were horribly sick. And alone and sick is truly horrible, you can't even cook for yourself! I'm so glad B is coming home tonight. Sending some healing distance Reiki and love to you...
ReplyDeleteThanks Uma :) Much appreciated! Bummer huh... Yeah, B landed about 45 mins ago and is on his way home :) Will email you this weekend some time! Looks like you enjoyed your break!
DeleteOuch! Wishing you a speedy recovery Christine. Bummer when the spiritual is disguised as the unpleasant :/
ReplyDeleteThanks David... Yeah, I know what you mean - it's all "spiritual." Amazing how one *loses* perspective when one's body is ill. The *mind* identifies with the *form* of things, losing sight of the formless *in* the form... Like only focusing on the storm cloud instead of seeing that the storm is just an occurrence, suspended *in* the formless spaciousness of the sky (Existence itself.) That was the perspective I lost and became very *attached* to the "occurrence" and the "little me" who was ill and suffering... sigh...
DeleteI am so sorry to hear of your illness. Sending you warm wishes and comforting thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you Patricia. Your warm thoughts are much appreciated...
DeleteHope you are feeling better now B has returned. this sounds awful. Not fun to be ill. Hugs, Suki ps you dont have to be spiritual when ill. on the other hand i have had numerous spiritual insights when lying in bed ill, unalbe to do anything but moan.
ReplyDeleteToday seemed to show the most improvement, although still coughing and hacking :( Thanks for the hugs :)
DeleteI know! I've had amazing moments of just being able to rest in the Stillness while sick. Not so this time. Interesting.