Consumed!

 Hello Friends...

Sorry for my long absence, but I have been consumed

By illness for more than 2 weeks, which felt like someone

Sucked the life out of me.

For those still with me - Thank You.

Posting will probably not be as often as I would like,

And don't know what shape it will take,

For those who may be wondering about my MRIs, 

This is what they told me:  There are ventricles in the inner

Brain that are supposed to be symmetrical looking,

Something like a butterfly.  Mine are distorted and

Enlarged, indicating too much spinal fluid,, or

Hydrocephalus which could be causing the trouble

With walking and balance.

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, oh my....

I'm still hoping to post inspiring things, but may also include

My recent experience with loss of health, and how

That has impacted my life.

A poem also emerged, which indicates that my 

Creativity is coming back on line again.

Hopefully I can learn to use this ipad better so that I

Can add a picture :)

In any case, thank you for being here :)

Mystic Meandering

The Challenge of Illness - John O'Donohue

We never value or even see some things in our lives until we
are just about to lose them.  This is particularly true of health.
When we are in good health, we are so busy in the world that
we never notice how well we are.  Illness comes and challenges
everything about us.  It unmasks all pretense.
When you are really ill, you cannot mask it.

Illness also tests the inner fiber and luminosity of the soul. 

Illness focuses us onto our "inner landscape", into resting
deeply in the inner silence of the Soul.  It is a remedial silence
that allows us to endure, to move through, but not necessarily
getting rid of the illness.  We can't have an agenda - only the 
deep acceptance of the companion - and learn to navigate it.

John O'Donohue
From - Eternal Echoes

~

Photo of Soft Sunset taken by my brother :)

 

Cracked Open by Illness - Jeff Foster

Just because someone manages a  smile today, or seems to hold
a positive outlook, or cracks a little joke, or convinces you that
they're okay, doesn't mean they're okay.

The experience of being on the inside of chronic illness has
completely cracked me open to a deeper compassion for
all my brothers and sisters.

I have no idea what anyone is going through, under their facade,
their mask, their personality, their brilliant defences, the 
"positive" or "spiritual" outfit they wear to survive.

They are trying to survive in the only way they know how.

Spiritual teachers and their students, therapist and their clients,
priests, philosophers, life coaches, world authorities, saints
and sinners - they are all in pain.

We are ALL trying to survive the only way we know how.

Let's be a little kinder to each other.  Forgive each other for
our masks, our awkwardness, our closed hearts, our weirdness.
Go beyond surfaces.

Sometimes we are not okay,
and that's okay.

As Ram Dass said, "we are all walking each other home..."

Jeff Foster

As some of you know know Jeff Foster has been very ill
since last July with debilitating Neurological Lyme Disease
that impacted him, not only physically but emotionally.

~

You may also be interested in reading a poem by Danna Faulds
on illness, called What Remains.

Or read John O'Donohue's piece on The Challenge of Illness

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

Joy Returns - a little (maybe)

 I have recently experienced illness with a fever. 
During the night the fever broke, and I awoke
feeling lightness and Joy - if only for a few moments -
as I scurried to the bathroom and back to bed, excited
to be feeling Joy again :)  It lasted only a few moments,
but I felt relieved...

In my journal I wrote:

 the weight of illness,
 how heavy it is and how it
weighs you down,
like the dampening sound of a bell
 when struck - dampened by the weight of illness -

dis-ease...
dis-pair...
grief...

in this case a fever of unknown origin. I know that many 
have experienced this great weight of illness in the past year.

And yet - for a short moment
Joy breaks through
and sings from within the bell.

I am grateful knowing that Joy returns for
many of us - no matter what the illness, even if only a
little, for only a moment, and our bell begins to ring again...

Many Blessings

_/\_

~

Don't try to find it in the future.  Joy is not hope.
Don't try to find it in the past.  Joy is not an ancient story.
And all our stories are ancient, even the tale of yesterday.
And please don't travel to a higher plane, an elevated state
of consciousness, in search of joy.  You will never find it
there, because joy is not a "state" to be gained - or lost.

Neither is joy a condition of circumstance, the good fortune
of some but not others.

Joy is what Existence is doing...

It glows from the Heart of Presence...

Does the light of joy descend from "above"?
No, it wells up like a tear from within.

Joy is the light already embedded in the darkness,
the fragrance of the void, the music in the hollow
of the bell not struck, the overflowing wealth earned

by not-doing.  If you need a reason for joy,
it isn't joy.

Fred LaMotte
Uradiance

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

What Remains - Danna Faulds

Despite illness of body and mind,
in spite of blinding despair
or habitual belief,
who you are is whole.

Let nothing separate you from the Truth.
The soul, illumined from within,
longs to be known...

Undying, untouched by fire, or
the storms of life,
there is a place inside
where stillness and abiding peace reside.

You can ride the breath to go there.

Despite doubt or hopeless turns of mind,
you are not broken.

Spirit surrounds, embraces,
fills you from the inside out.

Release everything
that isn't your true nature.
What's left?

the fullness of light...

Danna Faulds
Yoga Practitioner
From the poem" "Birthright"

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

The Challenge of Illness - John O'Donohue

We never value or even see some things in our lives until we
are just about to lose them.  This is particularly true of health.
When we are in good health, we are so busy in the world
that we never even notice how well we are.  Illness comes
and challenges everything about us.  It unmasks all pretense.
When you are really ill, you cannot mask it.

Illness also tests the inner fiber and luminosity of the soul.
It is very difficult to take illness well.  Yet it seems that if
we treat illness as something external that has singled us
out, and we battle and resist it, the illness will refuse to leave.
On the other hand, we must not identify ourselves with our
illness. .....very ill people are often more alive to life's
possibilities than the medical verdict would ever allow or
imagine.

When we learn to see our illness as a companion or friend,
it really does change the way the illness is present.  The
illness changes from a horrible intruder to a companion
who has something to teach us.

...Sometimes, when you see a thing as the enemy, you
only reinforce its presence and power over you...

Held openly, as a friend, this bit of unknown aliveness
may take you on an amazing journey to places you may
never have anticipated.  Such attention enriches and
deepens genuineness and presence.

Illness also focuses us onto our "inner landscape", into
resting deeply in the inner silence of the "Soul."  It is a
remedial silence that allows us to endure, to move through,
but not necessarily getting rid of the illness.  We can't have
an agenda - only deep acceptance of the companion - and
learn to navigate it.

John O'Donohue
From Eternal Echoes

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

The Dharma of Illness - Tarchin Hearn

In the midst of the 21st century, many people, in spite of all
their worldly wisdom, are still laden with medieval attitudes to
illness.....as if sickness is some kind of failing.  Physical dysfunction,
frailty or weakness is often experienced as if it were something to be
ashamed of, or guilty about - as if we have failed to meet some target
or some kind of socially acceptable ideal of good health.  We often
feel a need to make excuses for our suffering.  As if we needed to make
excuses for being vulnerably co-dependent dancings that we are!  We
try to identify a concrete cause for our condition, not only to help us
find a resolution to it but because the only alternative to identifying
a clear 'outer' cause seems to be that we ourselves, our behavior or our
lifestyles, are the cause.  It's our bad 'karma' or perhaps our bad diet or
lack of exercise or excessive stress, and illness is punishment or
retribution for our dissolute living!

[Could it be that] illness has invited us into a period of intensified
enquiry, contemplation and spiritual ripening...

An immeasurable expanse of experience and experiences surrounds
 and suffuses [us], a weaving together of uncountable situations and
circumstances - a seamless whole in the act of constant transformation
 - this dancing of [our] current knowing/beingness.

All complex, inter-dependent life dancings, in other words, all living
beings, have come about through the collaboration and balancing of
uncountable factors.  As the relationship between these factors
 changes, the system functions differently.  If the relationships change
 sufficiently, the functioning will change into something else
all together and the original functioning will no longer be there. 
These constantly changing relationships are a basic nature of all
interdependent arisings.  There is no shame in this.

Birth without death would not be life.  This continuous streaming of
birthing/dying is life in action.

~

Moving in the flow of compassion and deepening enquiry,
we engage with all beings in ways that support the integrity,
the stability and the beauty of the entire living world.

Engaging with this [flow] of birthing/dying living,
embracing it, surrendering to it, [we find that] the mystery
is tremendously integrated.
It is extraordinarily stable.  It has been in action for
billions of years.  It is breath-stoppingly beautiful in
all its vulnerability...

My medicine is wonderment...

Tarchin Hearn

Excerpts from:
The Dharma of Illness and The Medicine of Wonderment

Tarchin has a unique view of the inter-dependency of all life,
which he calls the "Holoverse", borrowing from the idea of
the Hologram.  The full article is worth the read, especially
for those dealing with a chronic health condition.  It really
helped me change my perspective on my own health issues.

(Dharma = Cosmic order)

Riding A Pale Horse...

A Pale Horse of an unpredictable destiny
arrived at my door recently;
an intense illness,
causing the body to feel disembodied
and disconnected from Source...

It invited me to ride...

I was anxious, unsure of where it would take me.
But I had no choice,
I had to ride;
to ride the illness out - half willingly, half resisting.

Strangely, all awareness of "Presence" vanished.
as if I had been cowled to the Truth
that I had "known" for so long -
or thought I knew -
that ultimately we are Pure Awareness...
But "I" was caught in the body-mechanism
and its struggle...

Frightened

I rode - as if in a weird dream,
through a strange land of un-awareness,
while still *trying* to be aware
of "The Truths"
that I had known...

But they eluded my senses, my awareness, my mind -
even my Heart...

Confused

I rode for 3 weeks - empty,
until, fatigued,
I faintly felt the exuberance and euphoria of Life
bubble up from within...
The veil of un-awareness had briefly lifted...
and with it, the shattering of all certainties
I once held to be true;
a burning away of the dross
in the alchemy of fever...

The fever broke
and I relaxed...

into Gratitude...

just Gratitude...

- and breathed...

Sometimes that's all you can do...

fall into Gratitude and Breathe...

_/\_

Mystic Meandering
January 27, 2017

Pneumonia...

A week of Pneumonia has brought me to my knees – only to find a grey emptiness and lifelessness, finding myself to be an empty shell of a woman.  Just a body in pain, discomfort and very aware of the absence of spirit.  I can’t even “spiritualize” it, or make it sound “spiritual.”  No words of wisdom rise to the surface.  I have never experienced anything like it before.  I am entirely focused on the body mechanism itself and my inability to function.  Just making it through each day.   I am unable to read or meditate, only pray…

Twice to the doctors this week.  Throwing up the antibiotics he prescribed, being told I may have to go to the hospital.  Loss of appetite – two days of bread and water.  Seemingly robbed of health and a sense of Divine Spirit that supposedly animates this body, that I have so come to rely on, yet can’t seem to locate.  Only grey emptiness…

To make matters worse B has been away for 4 days on a business trip.  He will thankfully be home tonight. 

Today I just sat and cried – thinking of all the people in the world who are truly suffering from illness and disease, especially in poverty stricken countries – with no one to truly love them, or care for them. Feeling a bit "abandoned" myself...  How they suffer for lack of love…

May we all know deep love in our lives – the love that heals, that sustains and gives us breath…  I've come to the conclusion that this is really the only thing that heals - Divine Love

Shifted View...

Have you ever been in a place emotionally and didn’t realize till *after* you left that place that you had even been there?  Well, that’s where I’ve been. 

It wasn’t till Friday evening that I experienced a “shift” that I realized I had been experiencing a kind of underground depression – which is not new to me.  She visits often, but this time was more subtle.   Hidden, it becomes what feels like a natural way of seeing reality.  I don’t know why the shift happened, as I wasn’t trying to *do* anything about where I was because I didn’t realize I was there.  She had numbed me.  Oh I felt a certain sadness and tiredness of life, a melancholy, a dullness, but really didn’t think of it as “depression” – until the shift, when my view of reality changed dramatically. 

Today was one of those brown, overcast winter days – kinda like I’ve been feeling for weeks until yesterday. J  DH and I went out for a walk, and I snapped a couple of photos along the way.  I thought it would be fun to post the shots as they actually were – with a quote/poem underneath - and then the photo that I “shifted” with the Invert function on Adobe Fireworks, giving an almost magical view of “reality ” – to me anyway - like a magical forest… J   Representing a change of perspective…

 “Life is a huge, urgent invitation.

It is so easy to lose your way -
to end up respectable,
trusted and admirably
fulfilling your role.

Yet the whole time you could be suffocating inside
and no one sees it.

Stagnation is the status quo.
All things seem blurred in this half-sleep.

The air is poor in limbo:

grey is the one color there.
Boredom and indifference conspire to keep
the anxiety buried.

Perhaps it is time to leave limbo.
To awaken;
to really come alive…”

John O’Donohue

Christian Theologian

***

 “Despite illness of body or mind,

in spite of blinding despair
or habitual belief,
who you are is whole.

Let nothing separate you from the Truth.
The soul, illumined from within,
longs to be known…

Undying, untouched by fire,
or the storms of life,
there is a place inside
where stillness and abiding peace reside.
You can ride the breath to go there.

Despite doubt or hopeless turns of mind,
you are not broken.
Spirit surrounds,
embraces,
fills you from the inside out.

Release everything
that isn’t your true nature.
What’s left?
the fullness of light…”

Danna Faulds
Yoga Practitioner

The Medical Circus

I’ve been away at the circus a few days this week – the “medical circus” that is. It was quite scary actually. I had been in the ER 5 days before with a fever. Blood work did not indicate an infection, so they determined it was probably a virus. I was released. A couple of days later I started feeling better. And then Sunday another fever crept up and up to 100.4. At 8pm I got a call from the ER saying that the blood culture they did had come back positive for bacteria in the blood, and I must get back to the ER immediately because I could be septic, especially since I had a fever again. When I got to the ER the triage nurse used one of those ear thermometer machines and it said 98.4, I said no way. She was not amused. You’re not supposed to question a machine’s readings evidently. By the time I got back to an exam room my temp was 101.9 - and all the alarm bells went off – well not exactly. It took 2 hours before they put an IV in, or do any of the repeat bloodwork. And of course a repeat chest x-ray and ekg – just in case. I thought - this is going to be a lonnnnggggg night. I didn’t know how long. The ER doctor came in and said I would be admitted. I was just about to be taken to a room around 2am when she came back in and said: We actually think you have an Urinary Tract Infection. My reply: And I have to be admitted for that!? She nodded, probably because of my long medical history, and only one good kidney, and still that possibility of blood bacteria. So down the halls of the circus tent we went…

I am “allergic” to a lot of antibiotics, so I’m not only an enigma with this fever of unknown origin, I am difficult patient to treat. They can’t just throw the “usual” at me and send me out the door. And since the blood culture didn’t make it clear what bacteria they were treating, they weren’t sure what antibiotic on my short list to try. Nothing like playing Russian Roulette with antibiotics… Anxiety arose as I felt the juggling act begin.

After arriving in my hospital room I underwent a rather lengthy intake interview with the nurse who asked all kinds of silly questions, like – are you feeling neglected? My husband is sitting there. It’s nearing 3am. He needs to get home and get sleep. I just laughed and said are you kidding? She seriously looked at me and said no, as she continued to read the silly questions from her computerized list.

The Infectious Disease doctor came to see me during daylight hours. He evidently doesn’t like the night circus. I understand… He seemed like one of the only sane ones there. He said that if a blood culture doesn’t grow any bacteria in 3 days, and comes back positive after 5 days, then it’s usually a contaminated specimen. It would have been nice if the ER people knew that before they hit the alarm bell. And yet, I was obviously still very sick. He wasn’t convinced that it was “just” a UTI. He suggested other things and diagnostic tests ensued – more juggling.

My nurse for the day came to my room that first morning looking worse than I felt, and was not miss congeniality. Nurses have become more like automated specialized technicians, pushing around their computerized charting system on wheels and dispensing meds – looking a little like robots in a sci-fi flick. She came in, wrote her name on the white board and turned to leave the room without saying a word. Hello! I said, I have a question please. You have to catch these nurses when you can. I needed to know how to get a hold of registration to give them my insurance information – to make sure my admission had been authorized. I was curtly told that she knew nothing about insurance, that she had nothing to do with insurance. I don’t recall that that was my question, but hey, it was 7am and she looked like she’d been up for several days, so maybe her brain switch wasn’t on yet. I mumbled something unkind under my breath as she left the room. The circus lasted 3 days, like an unpleasant dream. I met a lot of interesting characters in the dream. Some attentive, competent, compassionate and caring, and one with a big heart, who engaged, made eye contact, and genuinely liked what she was doing. Ah – there’s always one.

It was all very surreal. On the one hand it seemed very real - physical body in crisis. On the other, it was like it wasn’t really happening, like I was just floating through it all. But, because of being fearful of the “medical circus,” I contracted into the fear dream. It was automatic. I was not thinking: “I am BEingness just having this experience,” or blissfully sensing BEingness, stepping back from the story that was taking place. No, it was just a head long dive into madness – contracting into fear and separation. It was soooo automatic. Until the third day.

Before I found out I was to be discharged that afternoon, even though still feeling quite ill – actually worse than when I went in - probably due to the antibiotics - I managed a wonderful “window sit” in my room. Wish I had been able to get a picture of my view: another wing of the hospital with strange looking architecture. Angled walls that protruded outwards in stair step fashion with small square windows and round vents on one side that let the light through at night – which was actually strangely soothing; little openings where the Light got through to remind me It was still there, even in the darkness. And if I put my chair close up to the window, leaned on the window sill and looked west, I could see the mountains against the back drop of a beautiful blue sky and puffy white clouds. Ah - there’s the sanity. I recognized it… I breathed it in, and tried to move into what the body was feeling, to just be with it, rather than fearing it. I sat with the fear in my gut and its constriction – with the whole body laboring under illness - trying to feel the space of Stillness beyond/within it all. For just a brief moment I felt it and the body relaxed… A brief respite from the circus…

Life in a body. :)

~

Photo: Close up of Glass Blown Ball

Flattened

Last Weds evening this body was flattened by chemical exposure to a huge dose of liquid lawn fertilizer. No, not the rabbit, me. I was standing at the kitchen window, preparing dinner, as the lawn guy was waving his magic wand. I should have known better than to take that free offer for “Hydro Wet.” The wind was blowing directly at the house. As the strong smell of nitrogen wafted through the window I became nauseous, light-headed and vision blurred. We shut all windows and put the A/C on, but by that time the smell was in the house. I evidently got more than this body could handle and spent the next several days unable to function; not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually - as toxins coursed through this body. I was literally flattened on all levels.

It seems that *all* of our faculties (body, mind, sensing, and feeling) are involved in awareness, in knowing our Beingness. They’re all inseparable from the Whole - I know. But it was as if “Elvis had left the building.” I could not *feel* my Self embodied in this body. It was as if “I” had receded somewhere. But where did “I” go, I wondered as I lay there like a passenger on a ship rocking in a raging sea. It was like having an out-of-body experience that wasn’t “fun.” And all I could do was go through it – I’m still not all the way through. I wondered if that was what dying felt like - and hoped not. It took quite a bit of conscious awareness, and several days to *feel* *grounded* in the ground of Being again, through energy work and Rescue Remedy, lots of water, deep rest, and stillness. And “I” is still not “all in” let’s say. Body has definitely been shocked and is out of whack, energies warped, life rhythms wobbling, and unable to maintain harmony. Mental acuity is lessened – what’s left of it, as it has been waning anyway – but noticeably so… :) The body feels seriously compromised…

Throughout all this I felt “pressured” to “get better” because of family needs – and my mother’s innocent comment that “we need to get you better,” which didn’t help in the healing process, because I couldn’t relax and just be with it, just let it take its course. I kept telling myself, I need to get better - like I had any control over it. My disabled sister with severe back pain and elderly mother are 30 minutes away… Not good. I felt the full weight of the responsibility, but could not make the body function – of course – and no “miracles” were forthcoming… I thought, we definitely need to find some alternative, pragmatic solutions to “what is” – to the way life is at the moment, since none of us are functioning very well these days. This “care-giving” that my sister and I share, when she’s not flattened by her back issues, is fortunately not literal care-taking, but more taxi drivers for appointments, errand girls, grocery shoppers, kitty box scoopers, meal makers, trash taker outers, and just about anything that needs doing - being available – on call - for whatever is needed… I know many of you can relate to this too. But this body can’t keep going at this pace; and obviously neither can my sister’s. This body can’t be available all the time, as this is also what has weakened this body that is already compromised with health issues. “Getting better” is only a relative term for me. I know there are many who can relate…

During this “event” ego arose with its conditioning big time – which actually surprised me. “Ego”/me never really goes away, as some myths would have us believe. It is also inseparable from the Whole. But I was surprised that it could so easily regain control. It was as if I regressed to a former state. Personality traits that I hadn’t resorted to in years suddenly reared their ugly heads. I could blame it on the chemicals affecting my brain, liver, kidneys, etc., but I think there was a deeper “release” going on here.

Ego seemed to operate more in this state of body trauma, as this body mechanism struggled to rebalance itself. How easily that occurs when body feels threatened, I discovered. I went through denial, anger, pissyness, bitch queen, resistance, trying to create a different outcome, and finally a tiny surrender to the way things are – but not completely. I still felt pressured to “hurry up” and “get better” – for my family’s sake. I had a serious “One-on-One” conversation with the “One” that runs this body mechanism that I needed to be 100% “better” by Monday - the victimy, demanding bargaining stage. But I’m not in control here. That is obvious. The body and the “One” have their own ways.

I will say, it was seen again, at the window one night, that there *is* something here beyond the body mechanism that *wants* to live, to be Alive – that IS Alive here, and somehow sustains this body – so far…

~ ♥ ~