The Longing - a meandering...

Since I was a young child I longed to know "God" -
the "God' of my childhood religion...

~

Recently longing has arisen again...

I long to know "God" still,
even though that longing has been covered over by layers of
different beliefs and stances - all veils...  And my idea of, and
names for "God" have changed; like "The Mystery", The Beloved,
The Great Silence...

It's time to part the veils so that I may truly know the "God" of my
longing; not the "God" of my childhood religion - not a man-made
"God" - but "The Source" Itself...  The Primordial, Nameless "God"...
Some have called it the Primal Energy, or even the Divine Breath...
But I long for something more personal...

I sense that all our longings and sorrows come from this longing for
"Source"; to know who/what that truly is - our origin, and if we are
that - as the many spiritual teachings say.

So I turn to look for the Source of my longing, that I wish to know 
intimately - again - as in the beginning - before birth.  All others
have been only names, personas, maybe even "lesser gods."

The longing is not for a distant "God - but the "God" who
resides within - the Source or Essence of myself.

Whoa - What?

As those words slipped out onto the page, they caught my attention:
"the 'God' who resides within -
the Source or Essence of myself."

The "Source" is within!
What I long for is in myself! 

This hit me as if this was a "new" revelation,
with a feeling of relaxed awe and wonder...

And yet, I know I know this! - intellectually, in my head.
"God - aka the Primal Source of all that is resides in everyone and
everything...  But I want to know it experientially...
to feel it intimately...

I am not ashamed to feel that longing again; that was hidden by
the veils of the intellect, the intellectualized, conceptualized, and
abstract stances, and belief systems...

It is the Heart longing that will bring me to "the Source" of my
longing; not stances and belief systems, but the innocent, child-like
longing from the Heart - the direct experience that the "God" I long
for resides within myself.

I am finally allowing myself to feel that fire of longing
again...

My child-heart has opened once more...

Mystic Meandering
Dec. 8, 2023

from my journal

After this "revelation" I felt a Presence behind my heart and with it
a deep Quiet came over me internally...

the "God" of my longing dwells within!

Amazing!

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
Sunset Heart Leaves

 

Epiphany - 2013

It seems that my "spiritual path" has been laced with small
"epiphanies" and "divine flashes" of awareness, and "mini
awakenings" over the years.  I had one of those moments
back in 2013 when standing in my backyard.  I had stepped
outside to be in nature for a while, connecting with the stillness
and silence - taking it all in - noticing and feeling the connection.
I was in the process of taking some pictures of the shadows 
that the late afternoon sun in November was making on the fence,
when suddenly the words: "There is nothing but 'God'" ran
unbidden and unexpectedly through the silence of my being.
Say what!  There was an immediate sense of profound peace,
contentment, and joy in my heart.  I even started to giggle to
myself.  But I was also completely shocked by the word - 
"God" - and my very tangible felt experience of it.

I had not used the "God" language in years, after leaving the
religion of my childhood some 26 years before this, as it holds
imagery of my Christian upbringing of a person in the clouds
with white beard, meting out judgment.  It has so many old
paradigms, somewhat fundamentalist "religious" connotations
from my past, which made it all the more surprising that this
was the word that floated through.  If the inner "voice" had said:
 "All there is, is "Awareness," or "Consciousness, " or "Pure Being,"
 I would have gone, of course! - as those are the words that I often

use, abstract as they are. I also have used words like Buddha Nature,
The Divine,The Self, Brahman, The Ineffable, The Eternal, or
The Infinite. But I was jolted awake by the clear use of the word
"God." As this phrase ran through me I had the image of a deep
golden light, like a sunset, that ran across the screen of my mind,
as if to show me the depth and vastness of the word.  As it wasn't
 the persona "God" image of my childhood.  No, it was an
 incomprehensible sense of vast, expansive, all-inclusive, infinite,
 ubiquitous, Alive Presence, with which I felt an immediate sense of
  inherent communion - not one which needed to be sought after,
 but that was already actively happening...  And with that
realization came profound sense of Grace...

It was also realized that it doesn't matter if there is a sense of
a "me" or "no-me"; if one "concentrates" or not, or meditates,
or not.  It is inconsequential.  It was just realized that all there is,
is Infinite Existence that just IS - no matter what name or
qualities we give It...  or how we discover it for ourselves.

_/\_

Mystic Meandering
2013

~

Art: Mystic Meandering
Ethereal Vortex
Done with fingers and Craypas oils
2010