Reflections on a Mother...

After a rather poignant moment at Christmas, when my mother squeezed my hand after we hugged good-bye, an unheard language was transmitted through the hands: Love – something not easily expressed between us - and I had these reflections…

I wish I could have had a different relationship with my mother – more open, authentic, and loving…  I feel sad that it couldn't have been different.  Because of our personalities and the dynamic in the relationship from the beginning – an unseen dynamic unfolded between the two of us; which has now softened as she becomes more fragile.  She is losing more and more of her vision, her abilities and faculties.  There is less cognizant ability to understand what is being asked of her.  Her brain cannot handle too much information or stimulation.  But maybe love is emerging…  Maybe that is what is left when the body-mind mechanism begins to fail…

She covers it well, talking mostly in clichés – turning the personality on – speaking from the face – the mask.  But don’t ask her what she had for breakfast, or what she did yesterday, or what the doctor told her – it will scatter and scramble her brain.  And she will hide from you…  and turn the conversation back to you and ask:  And how are YOU doing? – just to avoid the difficulty of holding a conversation…

Sometimes she gets frustrated and angry because she is losing her abilities.  I feel the frustration too, as well as sadness and compassion for her fragility, vulnerability and woundedness – and the relationship we never had, but which now seems to be emerging in an unexpected way.  There is a softness between us now – sometimes - a caring, a loosening of defense mechanisms that served to protect each other from each other - sometimes.

And now in her “failing” years I wish it could have been different – that I could have been more present and more open to her, to not have closed off my own heart, but to have really seen the illumined heart of love that was really there, in both of us, behind the dynamic without the mask that veiled that Love.  I know that when she dies I will grieve that, and the relationship we never had – and maybe even the one we lost – and the one we might have had. 

In some ways my heart has already started to grieve the love we missed: a  genuinely loving mother-daughter connection; and yet it is not over…   Maybe, just maybe, our hearts will open to each other.  It seems they are beginning to...

Photo:
 a picture of my sister-in-law’s and mother-in-law’s hands…
My mother-in-law is in a Nursing Home with Alzheimer’s,
and yet there is still a “connection” through touch…

I made comment to my sister-in-law that it was interesting that
in some cases we can’t really connect with our mothers
until they are fragile and vulnerable,
and become like children again…

Blessings to Mothers and Daughters

Diving Into Dementia...

My mother is diving into dementia.  She is getting more confused, unable to comprehend and carry out important tasks, like remembering to pay her bills – getting late notices and past due notations on her statements.  We were not *aware* that this was happening until November when my sister became suspicious when there hadn’t been any bills sent out in the mail for quite a while, and asked my mother about it.  Subsequently, in helping Mom to pay her bills, she discovered a notice on the electric bill that they would shut off her electricity if they didn’t receive payment by a certain date because of a missed payment the month before.  And most recently she received a cancellation notice of her supplemental health insurance for non-payment!  And yet she adamantly and angrily *insists*  that she is paying her bills, as if forgetting to pay them is somehow a reflection on her character, rather than an indication of a problem -  a slippage of the linkages in her brain…

I tell this story because my “spiritual path” also includes these tough thresholds with family that need to be continually navigated.

Mom is strong-willed, stubborn, and in denial of what is happening.  She feels that “certain people” are conspiring against her to make her *look* bad, and thus suspicious when we try to approach her with the issue at hand, or offer any “help” to try to remedy this.  When my sister, who has lived with her for the last 3 and ½ years, discovered what was going on, she went on a hunting expedition and found unpaid bills hidden away in mother’s bedroom, stuffed in her chair and other assorted places.  She has been diligently trying to manage this situation, and trying to establish a payment system that my mother will agree to.  We both felt that although searching her space was a bit invasive, it was necessary under the circumstances.  But my mother doesn’t want my sister, or me, to know about her “finances”, which I understand, and so balks at the system and any attempt to help.  And - my sister doesn’t want *me* to intervene, or to say anything to my mother indicating that I know what is going on, as she feels that Mom will think that the two of us are ganging up on her.  And yet they both vent to me about each other, each telling me a different story – as I pretend not to know…

It is frustrating actually – having to *pretend* - that life is different than it is.  Putting a pretty bow on it and pretending it is “fine.”  But, as we discovered, trying to confront this situation head on, at this point, only creates more overwhelm for my mother.  Crossing this threshold is a gradual process, needing skill, diplomacy, humor, psychology, awareness, patience and Presence with *both* of them.  And so I concede – maintaining the secrecy – playing the game…  Which I hate doing… But I also know this is what happens in family dysfunction where people cannot be honest with each other, and then you add dementia to the mix and it creates a never ending loop of lies, suspicion, and malfunction.  I am certainly able to be “present” in the moment, and to them, but it doesn’t *address* the issue, which now has gone beyond being logically addressed with my mother.

In October, my sister set up a “payment box”, one that can be bought at any office supply place, with the numbers of the month on it.  She explained it to my mother and started putting the incoming bills in the box – to help Mom *remember* to pay her bills.  Initially my mother resisted and then agreed to it – or maybe just acquiesced under perceived pressure.   Then one morning my sister came up from her living quarters in the basement, and found the box empty.  My mother had taken all the bills out of the box and put them back in her bedroom, hid them away – forgot them - and didn’t pay them, although prompted by my sister.  There is obviously a power struggle going on over who’s in control.  My sister taking charge because she *needs* to (in more ways than one ;) and my mother resisting, resenting that she has to hand her bills over to my sister for processing – in her mind, losing control – although she is still making out the checks with my sister’s help.

Their personalities are butting heads, and neither knows how to reach within and become aware of a deeper Presence, and so they remain veiled to their Eternal Being that lies underneath the surface, floundering in a sea of unconscious reactivity to each other and the situation…

And me?  Well, I’m no saint, that’s for sure. J I’m trying not to get pulled under by the undertow of family baggage and dynamics, and yet it happens.  I’m trying to remember that this is all happening within the context of Ultimate Reality.  Eternal Consciousness is the context for everything that occurs here.  *We* are just an occurrence here, a wave on that Ocean of Consciousness, rising and returning to the Ocean of Being in the span of a life.  I remind myself that when seen through the eyes of Ultimate Reality everything is deeply “okay.” The only way that I know to navigate the waves is to dive deep into this Ocean of Infinite Consciousness and become more deeply *aware* of what is truly Real within - otherwise I remain emotionally unconscious, floundering on the surface waves of the present moment, living from crisis to crisis, reacting to life. 

Life itself is an enormous threshold that we are all attempting to cross together – each in our own way…

~

Photo #1 - a mistake :)

Photo #2 -  shadows on the wall
Photo #3 - Shadows of spindles in chair back
Photo #4 - photo of sunset color inverted