"Ghost Existence"? - a meandering...

Don't know why, but these words, "ghost existence",
came to me while I was talking with B back in Feb....

The following words just kinda flowed out as well...

We *live* a "ghost existence" *in* a "ghost existence."
Not that it's not *real*, it is "real" as we live it, as we
experience it, but it's not *The* Real - i.e. The Deeper
Reality - which exists behind and within the "ghost
existence", animating it - a mystery...

~

Along with the words came an image of  an old west
town erected with facades on a movie set, where they
would have make believe shoot outs in the dusty streets,
while the patrons of the theme park, dressed in costumes,
 looked on from the sides, entertained by the make believe
 characters in the "ghost town" made specifically for the
*experience*, whatever that experience is in the 
"ghost existence."

When we die one belief is that that animating force "drops"
the body...  I like to think that the energy of the animating
force returns to its "original source", maybe in another
dimension...   I don't know...  This is all speculation from 
a "being" living in a "ghost existence."
That's why this is called a meandering. :)

But there are traditions that do believe that there is no self,
no me, no you, that we're all an illusion, a dream, a movie.

It seems real in the moment...
"Christine" may have 75 or more episodes 
in her "ghost existence" here,
like an old west show with her own "prop set"
called her life...

Wouldn't that be interesting, if it were true.
We've all been playing a role, in the play of life,
in a virtual reality, 
whatever that experience/drama happens to be;
or so some say...

And then the "willful self" is dropped by the body, and
we are absorbed (energetically) back into our place of
Origin - our Source:

"The Silence of Being"

Once again - speculation...:)
But one that works for me at the moment :)

I recently heard someone say: Our experience of "me"
 is not our essential identity.  The "me" is another
experience that Awareness/Consciousness/Source is having,
like the waves that arise from the Ocean are still
the Ocean. The "me" is another wave on the greater Ocean of
Awareness, but is still the Ocean, and eventually
 recedes back into the Ocean...

I like this...

Mystic Meandering
Feb. 19, 2024

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering
Snow figure on skylight

 

Leaving The Shores of Belief - Mark McCloskey

Warning: Some may find this post controversial - depending on
your beliefs...

To leave the safe shores of where we think we are and venture into
the wide expanse of the sea of silent awareness itself is a scary
 proposition.  The abyss of eternity is too vast, too unknown, too big
 for many of us.  Yet, leave the shores of tradition, familiarity and belief,
 is what we must eventually do if we want to be totally free...

To allow for the realization of Pure Silence, the awareness of now,
the truth as it is, you must have a fresh unencumbered mind. 
This means not only surrendering the surface clutter or worries, 
anxieties, nostalgia, guilt, desires and fantasies, but you must abandon
 all your traditional beliefs, your concepts of religion, faith, hope
 and especially of God itself [as we have been taught to perceive "God." 
I have redefined "God" for myself many times.]
Remember you are realizing that which is eternal and present now,
 that which is beyond concept, beyond fabric.  We are looking
 together to see what not only holds the fabric of existence together,
but what allows the seams and stitches to be, what allows
 their very patterns.

For most of western humanity, God is merely a concept, a theology,
 an ideal or some super Being, someone to be placated, to be feared,
 to be worshiped, to be prayed to.  .....but to limit that which is infinite
Love itself to some vestigial object, to a being, a person,  someone or
thing we can name, provoke, control, possess is absolute silliness. 
That which encompasses all being is
Pure Silence.

That which is religion is merely human, words or thoughts about that
 which is beyond word, thought and worship.  Following a religious
 tradition, what is it that we are doing?  It seems to me that we are
 merely following somebody else's insights, whether that somebody
 is called Jesus, Buddha or Krishna or Mohammed.  All of these
 great men..... are pointing to something beyond themselves,
to something always here and something that is not philosophical
 or theological, to that which is within all, sustains all and is larger
 than all and that which is experienced by all.

To realize Pure Silence, you must abandon all thoughts [?],
even the beliefs that you have cherished forever.  Your beliefs are
 merely thoughts and what's more they originally were someone else's
 before they became your own.  To see or know or realize that which is
 infinity itself, we must come absolutely naked.  And in that complete,
destitute and utter nakedness, perhaps we may come to a simple
 glimmer of that which is, that which is you, that which cannot
be named  or sublimated into a teaching, or anything else...

This is a difficult thing to see because we believe in a thing called faith
 and belief and tradition.  We have been told by parents, friends,
churches,temples what the truth is.  But I offer you, very humbly,
 that truth cannot be contained by anyone, any thing,
any tradition, any belief. Pure Silence contains all of them...

If you can realize that, you will taste.....the essence of what every god,
every sage, messiah, prophet, teacher, poet, musician and scripture
 has been pointing to.  You will taste the freedom that you already are.
And no one, no authority, no system can challenge that
or take that away from you.
Pure Silence is a gift to you.

YOU are that which is eternal, infinite and love itself.
Just breathe in the gentle Silence...

http://www.puresilence.org/index.htm

~

NOTE:  brackets in text are mine

Personally I don't see it as an either/or issue.  It's not that dogmatic,
but is more a natural process, where "belief" is gradually peeled
away by grace, leaving the Ineffable...  As we move closer and closer
to the Pure Silence within, there is sometimes just a "letting go" or
dropping away of old beliefs and ideas about the way we *thought*
things were...
Whether there is a person "God" or not, I cannot say, although my
beliefs *about* God have changed, leaving the childhood images
of God and the religion of my childhood many years ago.  And yet,
there *is* something experienced beyond any belief or thought or
idea; perhaps it is the Pure Silence of Existence that he speaks of,
 or perhaps there is just a Great Mystery, called by many names...

Namaste

_/\_

Limitless Awareness - The Tibetan Book of the Dead

You must be ready to accept the possibility that there is a limitless
range of awareness for which we now have no words; that
awareness can expand beyond range of your ego, your self,
your familiar identity, beyond everything you have learned,
beyond your notions of space and time, beyond the differences
which usually separate people from each other and from the
world around them.

Walter Evans-Wentz
The Tibetan Book of the Dead

~

It's not so much that we don't have a self, rather it's that
the self we do have is not a thing.  It is an impermanent,
fluctuating activity, a process not a particle, a verb not a noun.

Shinzen Young

The Science of Enlightenment:
How Meditation Works


via - Love Is A Place

The Play of the Universe - Swimme, Esmann, Vaughan-Lee, DH Lawrence

...the universe is not simply a place but a story,
a story in which we are immersed, to which we belong,
and out of which we arose.

This story has the power to awaken us more deeply to who
we are.  For just as the Milky Way is the universe in the form
of a galaxy. and an orchid is the universe in the form of a  flower,
we are actually the universe reflecting on itself.

from - Journey of the Universe
Brian Swimme and Mary Evelyn Tucker

~*~

The Absolute is both unmanifest and a dynamic creative force.
From the creative force everything arises; both the world
as well as personal consciousness.  Everything is a blissful play
of consciousness, not an unreal illusion.

Excerpt from an article by
Jan Esmann
Shaktipat Master

~*~

Everything is ultimately a story.
My "life" is a story,
your "life" is a story,
all occurring simultaneously within the
vast cosmic Ocean of Consciousness/Awareness.
The story of The Eternal is being lived here...

The Ineffable Mystery of the Universe
takes a journey through
the story of life - as us...
The "Divine Drama" *is* our story -
and our "story" is the "Divine Drama"...

Mystic Meandering
Meditative Writings
2013

~*~

The real mystery is how IT unveils ItSelf within us:
how the Beloved makes ItSelf known to ItSelf
in the fragile container of the human being.

In the midst of the Divine Drama there is a
human story to be told. But it's all "God's" story

being lived in human form...

Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee
Sufi Mystic

~*~

We must get back into relation,
vivid and nourishing relation to
the cosmos and the universe...
For the truth is,
we perish for lack of fulfillment
of our greater needs.
We are cut off from the great sources
of our inward nourishment and renewal,
sources which flow eternally in
the universe...

D H Lawrence

~

Photo - The Om Universe
Craypas oils over acrylic
a work in process... :)

The Rhythm of Sadness...

A deep rhythm of sadness
arises from within
this body-mind mechanism -
unexpectedly,
spontaneously,
inexplicably.

It rises even though
I “know”
that before thought and feeling
”I” am Eternal Beingness.

The rhythm of sadness
is not assuaged
with the knowledge
that “I am” That…

It will not be held back
by the sand bags of knowledge
from the caverns of the mind…

It matters not to
”The Eternal”
that sadness and grief
arise in the mechanism called

“me”,
like the tides of the ocean,
rising and falling
in a darkened harbor;
felt not seen…

It is all held in Its Awareness…

Knowledge of its existence
is of no consequence
to “The Eternal…”

It just is – sadness
rising and falling,
breathing
through
”me”

I follow the rhythm of sadness
as it rises through the gut
into the Heart
where it meets
The Rhythm
of

“The Eternal”
and
dissolves
~

~
~

into
rivulets
of energy;
decreasing in
intensity.

Only to rise again
another day, or
on the next tide…

Unbidden

Just a wave of living energy in
this body-mind…

~

Eternal Being
holds the rhythm of sadness
within

The Greater Rhythm of ItSelf…

as

“i” ride the waves…

Mystic Meandering
Sept. 20, 2015

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: The same thing is true for all “feelings”, all “states”,
even happiness and joy.  They all rise and fall, come and go
with the tides of life.  One is not immune to the “darker” feelings
or emotions just because one realizes their True Beingness…
There are always habituated patterns – i.e: “rhythms” – that arise
in the body-mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Surrender...

Quiet Solitude
invites me to listen,
to soften the heart
and rest the mind…

Breathing deepens and slows.
This “wave”, this “me”
folds back into the Ocean of Being
in the Quiet Solitude,
finding the Inner Rhythm
in the depths of Silence…

Pulled
 in
 by
 simple
 silence
 and
 solitude
.
.
.

In the deep internal Stillness
everything is allowed to be…
Every thought, every feeling
 can arise,
can emerge;
embraced
without judgment,
held in the starry womb
of still Awareness,
rocked in the cradle
of the Great Mystery ~

Just Surrender…

Mystic Meandering
Sept. 2015

Remembering...

Sitting in the Sanctuary
 of Silence,

the deep space of
Formlessness
keeps pulling me in,

enticing me to
remember,

to
 listen
D
E
E
p
L
Y

.

.

.

In this space of Pure Awareness,
beyond thought,
I can *feel* the intimacy of Silence
once again;

The organic Rhythm,
immersed in its Quiet flow…
Out of which all movement arises
and takes form…

Formlessness-Form
Form-Formlessness,
Not two – yet not one;
not either/or
but
both/and

The Ineffable Mystery

I sometimes call it “The Beloved.”
It has many names –
 this Aware Silence,
this Hush of the Mystery
that we are,
that we emerged from,
Life ItSelf;
and is no-name as well…

The Unknown…

In this Sea of Silence
I remember the feel of
 ITs Rhythm;
the transparency and
 boundarylessness

 of its endless S p a c i o u s n e s s
that Just IS…

The Mystery of Life living ItSelf

in/as
the vast
and
rhythmic
pulse of Living Silence…

 recognizing ItSelf as “me”,
and “me” recognizing It
as my

Self

I had forgotten
this Sacred Silence
that knows us intimately
as ItSelf…

Our pain, sorrow, grief;
our laughter and joy,
are inexplicably
ITs own

Inseparable

It knows our shadow
and embraces
all darkness
as ITs own -
because
 IT is -
ITs own

Light…

that knows
no darkness

The grief, the loss,
the sadness, the suffering,
the woundings…

All ITs own;
feeling what we feel,
experiencing what we experience
as ItSelf…

Ever-present
Ever-aware
Ever-open
to all experience

Not a cold, conceptual
hollow vacuum of Nothingness…

But the V a s t n e s s of Life ItSelf,
 intimately living ItSelf…
OMing pre-Existence into Existence…
Breathing ItSelf into Life -
into every wound of pain
and suffering
with ITs soft caress…

Aware Living Silence

knows our Hearts
as Its own,
and dances with
Joy
in
the
delight
of
knowing
it

.

.

.

I had forgotten THIS…
The feel of this deep intimacy
in ITs complete and utter Embrace;
ITs total enfoldment;
ITs  inclusiveness
of all that we are;
forgotten the once known
innocence of
being touched
by the

Vastness
and
Depth
of

S i l e n c e

Mystic Meandering
April 11, 2015



Photo: Clouds and Contrails

Empty Cups...

Experiencing spiritual confusion recently, I asked for guidance.  “Spirit” pointed me to “Emptiness.”  The word E-m-p-t-i-n-e-s-s floated through my awareness like a whisper, as if gently calling me to listen, to “see”, to touch, and to experience IT – this “Emptiness.”  I was drawn in to the *space* of Divine Emptiness within.

Amazingly I found articles and posts on Emptiness, on Consciousness, and on Awareness (which many consider one and the same).   Then I spontaneously posted the post about Cups in the Ocean, finding the poems by Rumi once again. And my post on SteppingInto The Stream is in many ways about discovering that wondrous space of Emptiness through letting go.  While decluttering the book cases a couple of weekends ago I re-discovered Adyashanti’s book, Emptiness Dancing, which I have just started re-reading.  And then Fred LaMotte posted this lovely piece recently on the Fullness of Emptiness…  Obviously there was something I was supposed to see about “Emptiness…”

When the word and internal *feeling* of Emptiness first wafted through, it was so powerful that I started taking empty cups from my cupboard and setting them out on their sides in places where I knew I would see them, as reminders of this wondrous sense of Emptiness - our original Nature; the Formlessness within Form analogy.

I experienced this Emptiness as endless spacious openness, unconfined, not having a bottom like a cup, but somehow the symbolism of the empty cup spoke to me, allowing me to recognize the Emptiness as our original Eternal Nature – the still-point of Consciousness ItSelf.   What we *think* we are - this ego, this personality, this identity, this mind, this thought, this emotion, this body, are basically empty forms, filled with Emptiness (Formless Awareness/Consciousness).  It is not the same gutted emptiness that one feels after loss, or trauma. Not “emptiness” in the sense of being a void, devoid of life, but a dynamic, yet subtle vibration of Aliveness, aware, knowing Emptiness that is viscerally felt as an alive, peaceful FULLness . 

When I would turn my awareness inward to this space of Emptiness I felt a profound quietness, a deep presence of Being, a re-orientation of my perspective.  But I also had the sense that through this re-orienting “I” was being “emptied out,” of my orientation to my habituated patterns of mental conditioning as a way of living, the conditioned mental frameworks, as well as deeply buried emotional issues that continue to run deep and rise often, along with the ego-centered way of seeing the world that wants to hang on.  It is like being emptied of all that is not Essential, which of course creates upheaval, and can and has sent me into anxiety and bouts of depression recently.  The ego becomes so emotionally attached to its ideas and beliefs of the way our life should happen, that it resists letting go.  In this process, however, I got the image that the “me” that I *think* I am, that I have become attached to, is an empty cup in the vast Ocean of Pure Consciousness – being dissolved into that Ocean, so that I may remember that *essentially* I am the Ocean. 

In some ways this does leave a kind of gutted feeling because the ego-self resists this emptying, as the orientation *begins* to shift from the “me/ego-self” to our Essential Nature - before the sense of a separate “me.”   The familiar identity known as Christine is being emptied out – present tense – ongoing – little by little - through a process of awareness and surrender – through continually bringing my awareness to this space of Emptiness, *feeling* it, the true Emptiness; seeing that these “ego forms” that we believe we are, are really just empty cups filled with this wondrous space of Aware Consciousness, or Emptiness, unattached to ego, or mind, or thought, or feeling – just the conscious Isness of Being.

How interesting the many varied ways in which we are each shown the wondrous mystery of our True Nature…  Shown that the process of “awakening” to the Truth of our Existence is ever-unfolding, each in our own way…

As a result, I realized recently that I no longer *know* what I *thought* I knew, as my perceptions of Truth have evolved.  In this space of Divine Emptiness what I *thought* was important to say, isn’t, because there is really nothing left to say…

Namaste…

Cups In The Ocean - Rumi and Mayer

“These forms we seem to be
are cups floating in an ocean
of living consciousness.

They fill and sink without leaving
an arc of bubbles,
or any good-bye spray.

What we are is that ocean,
too near to see,
though we swim in it
and drink it in…"

”Pour your cup into your
deep ocean-self -
[become aware]

of the vast awareness
and the surge
that carries you along.”

Rumi

I have blended excerpts from two poems
Cup and Ocean, and Cup

In the following video Peter Mayer sings of the vastness of the Soul.
For those who don’t believe in the concept of a “soul”

you can substitute words like Spirit, or True Nature, or Being
and just enjoy this musical wave on the Ocean. J

If the video doesn’t play please leave me a comment to let me know.
Thank you…

Diving Into Dementia...

My mother is diving into dementia.  She is getting more confused, unable to comprehend and carry out important tasks, like remembering to pay her bills – getting late notices and past due notations on her statements.  We were not *aware* that this was happening until November when my sister became suspicious when there hadn’t been any bills sent out in the mail for quite a while, and asked my mother about it.  Subsequently, in helping Mom to pay her bills, she discovered a notice on the electric bill that they would shut off her electricity if they didn’t receive payment by a certain date because of a missed payment the month before.  And most recently she received a cancellation notice of her supplemental health insurance for non-payment!  And yet she adamantly and angrily *insists*  that she is paying her bills, as if forgetting to pay them is somehow a reflection on her character, rather than an indication of a problem -  a slippage of the linkages in her brain…

I tell this story because my “spiritual path” also includes these tough thresholds with family that need to be continually navigated.

Mom is strong-willed, stubborn, and in denial of what is happening.  She feels that “certain people” are conspiring against her to make her *look* bad, and thus suspicious when we try to approach her with the issue at hand, or offer any “help” to try to remedy this.  When my sister, who has lived with her for the last 3 and ½ years, discovered what was going on, she went on a hunting expedition and found unpaid bills hidden away in mother’s bedroom, stuffed in her chair and other assorted places.  She has been diligently trying to manage this situation, and trying to establish a payment system that my mother will agree to.  We both felt that although searching her space was a bit invasive, it was necessary under the circumstances.  But my mother doesn’t want my sister, or me, to know about her “finances”, which I understand, and so balks at the system and any attempt to help.  And - my sister doesn’t want *me* to intervene, or to say anything to my mother indicating that I know what is going on, as she feels that Mom will think that the two of us are ganging up on her.  And yet they both vent to me about each other, each telling me a different story – as I pretend not to know…

It is frustrating actually – having to *pretend* - that life is different than it is.  Putting a pretty bow on it and pretending it is “fine.”  But, as we discovered, trying to confront this situation head on, at this point, only creates more overwhelm for my mother.  Crossing this threshold is a gradual process, needing skill, diplomacy, humor, psychology, awareness, patience and Presence with *both* of them.  And so I concede – maintaining the secrecy – playing the game…  Which I hate doing… But I also know this is what happens in family dysfunction where people cannot be honest with each other, and then you add dementia to the mix and it creates a never ending loop of lies, suspicion, and malfunction.  I am certainly able to be “present” in the moment, and to them, but it doesn’t *address* the issue, which now has gone beyond being logically addressed with my mother.

In October, my sister set up a “payment box”, one that can be bought at any office supply place, with the numbers of the month on it.  She explained it to my mother and started putting the incoming bills in the box – to help Mom *remember* to pay her bills.  Initially my mother resisted and then agreed to it – or maybe just acquiesced under perceived pressure.   Then one morning my sister came up from her living quarters in the basement, and found the box empty.  My mother had taken all the bills out of the box and put them back in her bedroom, hid them away – forgot them - and didn’t pay them, although prompted by my sister.  There is obviously a power struggle going on over who’s in control.  My sister taking charge because she *needs* to (in more ways than one ;) and my mother resisting, resenting that she has to hand her bills over to my sister for processing – in her mind, losing control – although she is still making out the checks with my sister’s help.

Their personalities are butting heads, and neither knows how to reach within and become aware of a deeper Presence, and so they remain veiled to their Eternal Being that lies underneath the surface, floundering in a sea of unconscious reactivity to each other and the situation…

And me?  Well, I’m no saint, that’s for sure. J I’m trying not to get pulled under by the undertow of family baggage and dynamics, and yet it happens.  I’m trying to remember that this is all happening within the context of Ultimate Reality.  Eternal Consciousness is the context for everything that occurs here.  *We* are just an occurrence here, a wave on that Ocean of Consciousness, rising and returning to the Ocean of Being in the span of a life.  I remind myself that when seen through the eyes of Ultimate Reality everything is deeply “okay.” The only way that I know to navigate the waves is to dive deep into this Ocean of Infinite Consciousness and become more deeply *aware* of what is truly Real within - otherwise I remain emotionally unconscious, floundering on the surface waves of the present moment, living from crisis to crisis, reacting to life. 

Life itself is an enormous threshold that we are all attempting to cross together – each in our own way…

~

Photo #1 - a mistake :)

Photo #2 -  shadows on the wall
Photo #3 - Shadows of spindles in chair back
Photo #4 - photo of sunset color inverted

"Serenity Sabbatical..."

B left this morning in another attempt to visit his mother…   Fortunately this time he made it without a car glitch…

I am always saddened by his departure, even though I look forward to the “alone time.”

We always leave little cards for each other, reminders of our love, and little words of encouragement for the time apart.  This morning I found this card under my pillow.  He had made the card himself, finding these stylized Japanese symbols on-line - supposedly the symbol for “serenity” – adding the word “sabbatical”, knowing that this was my intention - to use this time to deepen into communion with Beloved “Silence.”  This means stopping the daily routine, finding the Inner Sanctuary and resting there; withdrawing from the internal chaos, sinking into Sacred Silence - and listening; withdrawing the mind from the quest for whatever it is I *think* I’m still searching for: the quest for “answers” to the cosmic questions, and the mental gyrations that go with that - allowing the mind to come to rest as well – just BEing.

 On the inside cover of the card there was another Japanese symbol for “awakening.”   “…..meaningful awakenings,” he wrote in his note, “revealed through venturing into the unknown, through the presence of Awareness, riding the rapids on our pathway to the Eternal Sea – the Ultimate Reality”

Love doesn't get any better than that :) Someone who knows your deepest Self...

And so over the next few days, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing: taking a “Serenity Sabbatical”, standing at the edge of the Unknown, dwelling in the Silence between thoughts, conversing with the Universe, J becoming aware of the Eternal Sea, the Inner Rhythm, the indwelling spontaneous movement of LIFE – again and again – carried by the Inner Flow of Being…

See you on the other side! J

“The finite man longs for the Infinite.
The love that makes the stars,
moves also the heart of man,
and a law of spiritual gravitation
leads his soul to the Soul of the Universe.

Man sees the sun by the light of the sun,
and he sees the Spirit
 by the light of his own inner spirit.

The radiance of eternal beauty
shines over this vast universe
and in moments of contemplation
we can see the Eternal…

Juan Mascaro

(From – Introduction to his translation of the Bhagavad Gita)

Via – Love Is A Place

Anticipation Part 1 and 2...

August is looking to be a busy and challenging month, which actually started already in July…  With my last few posts on “sabbatical” life you might think my absence here has been because I have been blissfully raptured in Silence.  Not so… J   Instead I have been attending to the requirements of daily living, and tense family issues – feeling more like an automaton in “The Matrix” – distracted from the deeper Life within…

Hubby is winging his way south again on the long 525 mile ride to visit his mother in NM for a few days, which will finally give me some days to settle into meditative Silence, living “sabbatically” – meditating, journaling, reading, painting, or however Being moves within – finding The Rhythm again - moving intuitively and fluidly *with* the day – like spontaneously writing this post… J  Although I love my “alone time” I am already reminded how much I miss him when he’s not here – anticipating his safe return…

Also anticipating Mother’s eye surgery, scheduled for Aug 14^th, requiring several appointments before and after.  We already had one 3 hour appointment in the surgeon’s office.  It’s been frustrating with her dementia to get everything coordinated, and everyone on the same page.  My mother’s confusion is getting worse, although she is able to hide it quite well when we go to for her appointments.  I didn’t realize how serious it was until I discovered that she couldn’t answer my questions about when her appointments were, and what they were for, as she had managed to get it all confused, even though she had written it all down.  You see, I made the mistake of letting her make her own appointments, not wanting to “take over”, not realizing just how serious her dementia was getting.  I wanted to let her still feel like she was in control of her own life -  as if any of us really are – and yet she believes she is – and is not giving up easily.  She insists that she’s not confused, and is feeling like we are making her look that way.  And yet, clearly, there is confusion, loss of memory from one moment to the next, and a strong willed stubbornness that doesn’t want to admit that she needs help keeping track of things – like a bill that didn’t get paid for 3 months!  Oh dear…

And of course, there is the anticipation of how things will go the day of surgery and the day after. Like will she be able to see…  Last time she could not see out of her eye the day after surgery.  No one had told her that that was a possibility. She had gone into the surgery anticipating that her eyesight would immediately improve.  Instead, she  needed a corneal transplant 4 months later.  And with my own health issues I wonder if I will have the stamina to to stand up under the physical and emotional strain with little sleep – anticipating an early morning surgery time – like 6:30am, check in up to two hour before.  Are you kidding me!  I don’t even know how my mother will be able to do that!  So I commandeered my husband to go with me for support. J  Everythying is done outpatient now, requiring family to be the primary caretakers. Thankfully, at home, my sister has that duty of eye drops every two hours.

Added to this we were anticipating the possibility of my Mother-in-law having to be transferred to a Care Facility here near us from NM in August.  We checked into local facilities with Alzheimer’s units.  Her coming here would mean I would be actively engaged in her care - being on top of things with the care facility, and several daily visits to help feed her.  Gratefully that is not going to happen.  But needless to say with the uncertainty and anticipation I have been feeling a little overwhelmed - knowing that I need “sabbatical.” 

All this anticipation is based on the story of what *might* happen, I know…  But sometimes life is lived that way – with anticipation.  It’s not that one is not in the moment as it is, but it also unfolds with anticipation.  At least that *is* how Life is unfolding here at the moment.  I need to remember that it’s all just waves on the great Ocean of Consciousness, and turn towards the Inner Abiding Self – and abide there; not getting overwhelmed by the requirements of life at the moment - although at times I feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest without air – but lean into the mountain/moment and keep going.

Window sitting, meditiating, and Silence are my ways of leaning into life, maintaining the awareness of, communing with, and deepening into the Divine Presence within, the vast Cosmic Ocean in which this life, this story, is all happening.  This is not my “escape” but my Life-line, so that I might fully function and be present in the midst of challenging times…  Looking “forward” to the present moment of “sabbatical” J

Anticipation Part 2

How quickly life changes… J

4 hours after B’s departure he called to say he was having car trouble.  He had stopped at a “garage” off the highway to see if they could tell what was wrong.  They couldn’t.  Told him he needed to find a dealership; they suggested he go back to Colorado Springs, more than two hours away.  He hoped he could make it all the way back home.  I am not sure I could even drive our 23 year old little Honda Civic anymore to go get him, as it is stick shift with a difficult clutch. 

So I waited - moment to moment – filled with anticipation – what ifs – hoping the car didn’t completely break down - waiting for the next phone call, indicating the next milestone.

I would like to believe that I could just step back into a wonderful place of peace and presence and deep acceptance of what is, but I was on edge – with anticipation – for nearly 4 hours.  So this is living in the moment, which in the moment was anticipation…  And even in that there is “acceptance” because what else can one do, but wait and anticipate…  Life is what it is from moment to moment. 

He arrived safely home at 6:45pm….

Ahhhh – life… J

How Big Is Reality?...

“There once was a beautiful white swan
 that came from the great ocean to the North.
After being in the South for the winter,
 it was ready for the return journey home.

So it took off and with its big wing span
 and shining white feathers,
it soared effortlessly through the blue sky.

After a long while, and far along the journey,
 the swan began to tire and came down to land for a rest.
  It landed right on the edge of a water well
and let out a deep sigh.

In the bottom of this well there lived a frog.
The frog said,
’Well, who are you and where do you come from?’

‘I am a swan,
 and my home is on the water
 of the great northern ocean,’
answered the swan.

‘Ocean? How big is this ocean?’ asked the frog.

‘Very big’, said Swan.

‘Is it this big?’ Frog asked, taking two hops backward.

‘No, much bigger,’ said Swan.

So the frog took five huge hops backward, saying,
’Is the ocean this big?’

Swan said, ‘No, it’s much bigger than that.’

And so the frog went around the entire well -
his whole reality, as he knew it -
and asked the swan,
’Now, is the ocean as big as this?’

And the swan said,
’No, it’s much, much bigger!’

Thereupon the frog said,
’Well, you’re a fool and a liar!’

because he knew there could be nothing
bigger than his world and his well.”

Author Unknown…

~*~

How big is your Reality? J
I’m slowly climbing out of that well!

~*~

Photo: The inside of a large earthenware flower pot