I find it interesting that the word “vigilant” contains the word “vigil” – which means “a watch kept during normal sleeping hours. A period or act of observing.” It is the sense of wakefulness. This is what “window sitting” is for me, what it has become - a vigil of wakefulness. Not a vigil *for* anything in particular, but just a period of silent meditative awareness, both outwardly and inwardly – just listening. I don’t know what to expect when I sit, what the vigil will bring, so I just wait and see. And something usually always presents itself to be seen.
The last few nights at the window the dogs next door have been out, providing both a source of amusement and distraction to my window vigil. They have been particularly vigilant, exceptionally watchful, waiting for their owner to come home and let them in – whimpering. They appear to be very anxious as well, frantically running from one end of the yard to the other – fearful, reactive to every little movement, barking at shadows - hyper-vigilant, running themselves ragged. A chorus of coyotes yelps and howls from the field just a couple of houses away when the dogs bark, which spooks the dogs and makes them more hyper – and gives me the chills. I can feel their fear. And my heart feels for them, for their fear, for their obvious suffering. I want to take them in, to tell them they are safe and protected. I wonder if their owner is even aware that they suffer like this when he is gone – obviously not… Do any of us really know how another suffers unless we’re paying attention…
As I watched them I knew there was something to be seen here. They reminded me of how I used to be – vigilant, fearful, anxious about life, constantly anticipating what was going to happen – anticipating attacks – being on guard – suffering inwardly. And I remembered, vigilance wants safety and control, wants life to be predictable and tries hard to get it that way in order to avoid the messiness of life, the chaos and uncertainty. The mind on vigilance, like on some drug, is constantly running scenarios of fear - feeling out of control - and uses vigilance as a false sense of control. But it is draining to keep a vigilant mind. A vigilant mind becomes a critical and judgmental mind – never satisfied.
Keeping vigil, however, is peaceful, calming, restful, life sustaining instead of depleting life with nervous energy. Keeping vigil at the window, this period of inner meditative wakefulness, has provided a new perspective, a new view – a new sense of conscious awareness that is different than vigilance. There is less of a sense of responsibility for others, of needing to be on top of things, trying to control what others are doing or not doing, or how I am performing. There is a softening towards myself and others, and an openness to the way life is going; a wait and see approach – like sitting at the window… Little by little I’ve noticed that in keeping vigil at the window, the vigilant mind is settling into a new rhythm, and life is feeling more joyful. Imagine that…
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