The Deep 'F'...

Winter is definitely upon us.  All the other snowfalls so far this season were only teasing us with their beauty.  We are now in the clutches of winter’s cold fingers - the deep freeze...

We’ve been in the deep freeze since Tuesday night when the temps suddenly dropped 45 degrees escorted by a 4” snowfall.  We’ve been below zero every night.  Day-time highs in the single digits mostly, so nothing is melting. And Mr. Sun has only made a few short-lived appearances.

Anxiety seems to have me in its clutches as well – the deep fear - constantly worried and vigilant.  Will the pipes freeze?  Will the furnace keep running?  And – it’s running constantly!  Ka-ching$, Ka-ching.$  Will the garage door open?  Will the car start?  It’s been an interesting lesson on how easily the mind and surface self with its fears and worries can take over and veil the beauty that is here, getting entangled in hyper-vigilance, as if that would stop something from “going wrong.”  And of course the mind is convinced that something will go wrong…  What a set up that is!   I became aware of how easily the mind and fear can inhabit the moment – the day – the body… And it’s not a pretty picture! The mind needed to be refocused and reoriented to what is ultimately Real.  I told myself: Refocus on the breath, don’t follow the mind, instead, give the mind something to do – journal, write, read, create - and turn your awareness to the deeper space of Silence within – the ultimate reality.  Not happenin.’ J  It surprised me to find that the voice of the Infinite was drowned out by the sirens of fear…

My husband swears I *look* for things to go wrong – maybe so.  I was conditioned well.  They are very old and deep fears, from childhood I think – being given responsibility too soon, needing to be a “grown up” too soon, and now I feel *responsible* for *everything* anticipating what *might* happen, leading to a need to control what cannot be controlled.  I’ve been in denial about all this, although my husband reminds me of it all the time. J  I’m surprised actually at how quickly this old conditioning arose.  To my chagrin, I am apparently still a product of my DNA, both physically and emotionally.  The body easily re-addicted itself to the feeling of fear/anxiety.  It remembers it all too well.  In moments of awareness I thought to myself – well, isn’t this interesting - if you think you’re enlightened spend a week in the deep freeze! – worrying.  I think I’ve given up that illusive “enlightened” self-image!  And realized there’s a child inside who’s still afraid of the big bad wolf that’s huffing and puffing – even though I know it is pure fantasy…  It’s interesting to me that we can be aware of how the mind functions on fear and still follow it down that rabbit hole of delusion.

Maybe the gift of the deep freeze is to see all this about myself, to actually *see* these places within myself where I am still frozen with fear, and where I am still deluded…  It certainly has done its job! J  I’m *aware*!  But awareness is only the beginning of real change…

I managed to lose my-self (and the grip of anxiety), for a few moments, in a few photo shots this week so far.  They say we won’t thaw out til Tuesday when temps go above freezing *in the afternoon* - hopefully a “warming trend” – outside AND within… J LOL

“We are constantly ‘waking up’ in every moment that confronts us,
to remember *what* we really are:
Consciousness before form.
Otherwise our ‘spirituality’ can become just another layer
in our armour.”

Dear Hubby J

Vigilant Window

I find it interesting that the word “vigilant” contains the word “vigil” – which means “a watch kept during normal sleeping hours. A period or act of observing.” It is the sense of wakefulness. This is what “window sitting” is for me, what it has become - a vigil of wakefulness. Not a vigil *for* anything in particular, but just a period of silent meditative awareness, both outwardly and inwardly – just listening. I don’t know what to expect when I sit, what the vigil will bring, so I just wait and see. And something usually always presents itself to be seen.

The last few nights at the window the dogs next door have been out, providing both a source of amusement and distraction to my window vigil. They have been particularly vigilant, exceptionally watchful, waiting for their owner to come home and let them in – whimpering. They appear to be very anxious as well, frantically running from one end of the yard to the other – fearful, reactive to every little movement, barking at shadows - hyper-vigilant, running themselves ragged. A chorus of coyotes yelps and howls from the field just a couple of houses away when the dogs bark, which spooks the dogs and makes them more hyper – and gives me the chills. I can feel their fear. And my heart feels for them, for their fear, for their obvious suffering. I want to take them in, to tell them they are safe and protected. I wonder if their owner is even aware that they suffer like this when he is gone – obviously not… Do any of us really know how another suffers unless we’re paying attention…

As I watched them I knew there was something to be seen here. They reminded me of how I used to be – vigilant, fearful, anxious about life, constantly anticipating what was going to happen – anticipating attacks – being on guard – suffering inwardly. And I remembered, vigilance wants safety and control, wants life to be predictable and tries hard to get it that way in order to avoid the messiness of life, the chaos and uncertainty. The mind on vigilance, like on some drug, is constantly running scenarios of fear - feeling out of control - and uses vigilance as a false sense of control. But it is draining to keep a vigilant mind. A vigilant mind becomes a critical and judgmental mind – never satisfied.

Keeping vigil, however, is peaceful, calming, restful, life sustaining instead of depleting life with nervous energy. Keeping vigil at the window, this period of inner meditative wakefulness, has provided a new perspective, a new view – a new sense of conscious awareness that is different than vigilance. There is less of a sense of responsibility for others, of needing to be on top of things, trying to control what others are doing or not doing, or how I am performing. There is a softening towards myself and others, and an openness to the way life is going; a wait and see approach – like sitting at the window… Little by little I’ve noticed that in keeping vigil at the window, the vigilant mind is settling into a new rhythm, and life is feeling more joyful. Imagine that…

~*~