The "Phantom Pain" Pane

Window sitting has become an exploration of the deeper caverns of more intense feelings; sitting and breathing into these hidden hold-outs; moving through these feeling portals into greater awareness. But it has not been easy facing these phantoms of the night - trying not to push them away from the window. They seem to create a barrier reef, keeping me from the harbor of Stillness.

My friend “D” (from Shadow Dance Window) came back with intensity this weekend – and not just at the window. She kept tugging at me throughout the day, requiring my attention - like a needy toddler. It seemed the shadow dance of awareness the other day was not enough. It felt more like I must actually *sit* with her, pay attention to her more closely, listen more deeply, and allow her to be *felt* and heard – like a toddler. It was quite an intense dance with this shadow-self.

Sitting with “Depression”, or any feeling for that matter, is not about “suffering” or wallowing – in fact it alleviates “suffering.” Suffering is what the mind does when it interprets the feeling as pain, as bad, as wrong. In dropping the labels for feelings, however, there is just the experience of the feeling. I am not depression, I am “depressing” or angering, or fearing, etc. - as one would say, I am understanding, or I am feeling. Feelings are not our identities. Feelings are ripples or waves in the larger context of Being. And when we “sit” with them, I mean that we sit *as* the Beloved, with awareness – seeing, holding, experiencing the feeling.

When I sat with “D” I discovered that what I call “depression” is really a bolus of many feelings: sadness, grief, anger, frustration and anxiety. I sat with this bolus of emotional turbulence several times over several days and allowed it to reveal its contents – through journaling and meditating. It was actually very enlightening – and visceral - feeling this bolus of emotional pain in my gut as energy, as vibration, as sensation. I willingly went deeply into the bolus to explore it with an innocent sense of curiosity, like a scuba diver on a dive. The deeper I went, the more intense the experience and the more I resisted. I had to keep reminding myself to come back to the breath as I followed the feelings.

In these patterns of anguish that were felt and experienced, I noticed that there is a thin line between conscious feeling and unconscious feeling; between noticing and indulging – becoming entangled and entrapped within feelings; between allowing the feelings and being controlled by feelings. And there was a tendency to get caught up in, or fixated on the feeling – making a story of how I suffer. But it was recognized that these patterns of feelings are phantoms of the “me” function that are part of the totality of Existence. As I allowed myself to *see* these feeling phantoms the intensity lessened.

It was noticed that if all there is, is Being-Self, Buddha Nature, Awareness, Consciousness,- as the spiritual teachings say - then no feeling has to be denied or suppressed, as nothing is separate from That which always IS. Everything is allowed within the context of Beingness. There is total freedom to feel and experience everything – authentically - feeling the feelings without censor or judgment.

Thr0ugh this experience it was understood that we *are* Being living life! - feeling life - being touched by life - expressing life -- through feelings. Beingness ItSelf experiences life through this “me” function that senses, that sees, that touches, that feels and expresses feelings! They are one and the same – inseparable. The Ocean and the wave. The wave cannot be a wave except for the movement of the Ocean.

In seeing this, there was release, and a realization that these feelings will continue to come and go as part of life.

We are all Beingness experiencing ItSelf – otherwise known as “persons” – as “mes.” We *are* the experience of the One Being – feeling it all – experiencing it all – being it all.

In seeing this there was a return to the Harbor, into the Stillness that is Home.

~*~

The ‘me’ organism is not other than an expression of Consciousness.

Consciousness is the thinker, [the feeler].

Life is expressing *as* the ‘event.’

The Source and ‘substance’ is Life.

Radical Tao

~*~

This post is not meant to imply that there are simplistic solutions

for serious mental health conditions that require medical treatment and therapy.

It only reflects my own recent experience with “feelings.”

~*~

Shadow Dance Window

I actually wrote the first part of this post near the Full Moon in August, penning it in the moonlight on scratch paper while window sitting. It apparently didn’t want to be posted until now.

~

I notice that the moonlight on the house next door brightens and fades as clouds pass in front of the moon, like veils that diffuse the light; like moments of awareness and clarity, mixed with moments of “not seeing”, or unawareness, that come and go. The light of Awareness brightens and fades depending on the veils of perception that are in place at any given time.

This rhythm of light and dark is a continuous movement, rising and falling within Awareness, revealing everything in its own time, through its own movement in our lives. It’s a natural Rhythm, a natural movement of Being. Sometimes the bright light of Awareness reveals things hidden in the dark – our shadows. And sometimes these dancing shadows of the self seem to hide, dancing in and out of awareness.

This dance of duality is the natural rhythm of life – the shadow and the light dancing together. One does not oppose, or resist the other. They are both the natural rhythm of living. It’s all a playful dance of light and shadow, as if Awareness is playing, amusing ItSelf with the light and the dark – being neither, being both. It’s an undulating rhythm, not an either/or rhythm. One does not totally occlude the other. Duality is how Being expresses ItSelf in form – but nothing is *essentially* divided. Everything is the one Rhythm – playing and dancing – the formless as form.

Window sitting is like pulling back a curtain on this dance – seeing through the veils – seeing the fabric of Reality as a weave, a blend of many threads – the light and the dark woven together…

Today (9/9/10) I danced with “depression.” Her sister, anger, was there too wanting to cut in. Sometimes I let them dance together and just watched. I allowed “D” in – got a feel for how she dances – letting her lead, instead of trying to push her away, dismissing her as just the mind, just a thought. I decided to dance with her and embrace her. It wasn’t so bad… It didn’t take me to despair. It just took me to awareness – to seeing – to just being with what is – the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions. No clever words or methods were used to deny or change the feeling. It was recognized and felt. It was allowed to play itself out – in full acceptance.

Recognizing Being – our True Nature - the pure Awareness that we are, does not negate our feelings. Life is painful sometimes and the only way through it is to feel it – to dance with the shadows that want to dance. If we do, they offer us their wisdom and their awareness and their light…

I welcome the dance.

~*~

Another related post

Willing to Dance

~*~

Fun-Qi Art ™ - Christine

I did this picture with CrayPas oil sticks over the weekend

with no intention of what it was to look like,

or connected to any particular blog idea.

My husband came into the room and said: “That looks like a shadow dancing.”

Out of the mouths of “babes” :)

Soft Heart Window

Window sitting is having a rather subtle but welcome affect on this Heart of mine. There is an opening and a softening that just wants to take life in, with more of an in-the-moment, spontaneous, moment-to-moment existence – and – wants to express its softness, its gentleness, its kindness.

This Heart softening, I’ve noticed, seems to “allow” a lot more than it used to. People and the circumstances of life are given more lee-way, unopposed, unresisted. There is less of a need for argument – well sometimes. I notice that being loving, being compassionate, is really just meeting people where they are… Just accepting and embracing people and life circumstances without agenda, without preconceived ideas of how it ought to be.

The realization that there is a loving, compassionate Nature that lives inside this Heart softens this sense of “me”, makes it more transparent. It usually felt a need to guard itself from others with anger, criticism, judgment, cynicism, and suspicion – even humor.:) And then of course there was also apathy and detachment. For a long time I have felt there was a hole in my Heart where love should be, but I recognize lately that love lives deeply inside the hole, and often comes out unexpectedly – particularly in the moments of other people’s suffering – the collective human condition. I realize that feeling compassion for “the collective” is safe. It allows me to *feel* those Heart strings play, which may be the entryway into a more personal expression of the Heart one-to-one. This hidden Heart that deeply feels has always been here. I seem to remember her when she was young and innocent, and expressed more easily. But she went into hiding. And sometimes she surprises me (and everyone else) when she comes out! Who *is* this that *feels* this – this – “love” ?! Oh my – the Heart is shining through! Quick I need some sunglasses!

I have noticed her coming out several times lately – especially with my blog friends who will always have a special place in my Heart. Then last week, when I was leaving a parking lot, I noticed there had been a rather bad accident at the entry/exit driveway, which necessitated my finding a different exit. As I wound my way through the parking lot I kept looking over to see what I could see – a lot of people milling around in no apparent distress, a police car and fire truck, and a car that had been broad-sided by a pick-up truck – ouch. I was surprised by the well-up of emotion inside. My Heart opened and I felt compassion for the people involved. It was uncontrived and undemonstrative. It was a spontaneous Heart response to the experience of people in fear, shock and trauma.

Now, just so you don’t get the wrong impression, I am not oozing love here. This Heart softening somehow hasn’t yet embraced certain unnamed family members who still manage to push my buttons. But hey, one step at a time, right? I mean, I’m no saint – or yogi – or guru – or…. There are people who, and situations that, still irritate, chafe and send me into the gnarly-snarlies… But we won’t go into that right now. I rather enjoy this Heart softening at the moment, feeling the freedom that is beginning to dance here. There is a living inspiration here in this Heart that opens softly and gently to touch and *feel* life dance in all its forms – loving it!

~*~

“Your task is not to seek for love,

but merely to seek and find

all the barriers within yourself

that you have built against it.”

Rumi

~*~

The photo is the center of a quilt wall hanging that my mother made.

It reminded me of a window with 4 panes…

A Heart quilt window…

Window Call

Silence called me to the window again.

She beckoned me to come and be still,

to listen….

She waited for me to settle,

to be quiet… Waited as I

deepened into Her Stillness…

No agenda, She whispered…

I listened…

Put everything aside and just breathe, She said.

Be aware of My Breath, breathing you…

Experience My Presence,

Feel My Fullness,

Sense the Intimacy in every cell…

From the depths of Stillness I heard Her call again,

calling me back to HerSelf.

Like the Ocean pulling back the wave on shore,

back into Itself…

The wave giving in to the pull…

In Silence She called HerSelf back to HerSelf,

the silent rhythmic intimacy of wave and Ocean,

one and the same.

Self embracing ItSelf,

knowing only ItSelf.

The Eternal Embrace…

Come – She whispered.

Follow the pull…

Give in…

Come Home…

~*~

FunQi Art™ - Christine

Vigilant Window

I find it interesting that the word “vigilant” contains the word “vigil” – which means “a watch kept during normal sleeping hours. A period or act of observing.” It is the sense of wakefulness. This is what “window sitting” is for me, what it has become - a vigil of wakefulness. Not a vigil *for* anything in particular, but just a period of silent meditative awareness, both outwardly and inwardly – just listening. I don’t know what to expect when I sit, what the vigil will bring, so I just wait and see. And something usually always presents itself to be seen.

The last few nights at the window the dogs next door have been out, providing both a source of amusement and distraction to my window vigil. They have been particularly vigilant, exceptionally watchful, waiting for their owner to come home and let them in – whimpering. They appear to be very anxious as well, frantically running from one end of the yard to the other – fearful, reactive to every little movement, barking at shadows - hyper-vigilant, running themselves ragged. A chorus of coyotes yelps and howls from the field just a couple of houses away when the dogs bark, which spooks the dogs and makes them more hyper – and gives me the chills. I can feel their fear. And my heart feels for them, for their fear, for their obvious suffering. I want to take them in, to tell them they are safe and protected. I wonder if their owner is even aware that they suffer like this when he is gone – obviously not… Do any of us really know how another suffers unless we’re paying attention…

As I watched them I knew there was something to be seen here. They reminded me of how I used to be – vigilant, fearful, anxious about life, constantly anticipating what was going to happen – anticipating attacks – being on guard – suffering inwardly. And I remembered, vigilance wants safety and control, wants life to be predictable and tries hard to get it that way in order to avoid the messiness of life, the chaos and uncertainty. The mind on vigilance, like on some drug, is constantly running scenarios of fear - feeling out of control - and uses vigilance as a false sense of control. But it is draining to keep a vigilant mind. A vigilant mind becomes a critical and judgmental mind – never satisfied.

Keeping vigil, however, is peaceful, calming, restful, life sustaining instead of depleting life with nervous energy. Keeping vigil at the window, this period of inner meditative wakefulness, has provided a new perspective, a new view – a new sense of conscious awareness that is different than vigilance. There is less of a sense of responsibility for others, of needing to be on top of things, trying to control what others are doing or not doing, or how I am performing. There is a softening towards myself and others, and an openness to the way life is going; a wait and see approach – like sitting at the window… Little by little I’ve noticed that in keeping vigil at the window, the vigilant mind is settling into a new rhythm, and life is feeling more joyful. Imagine that…

~*~

The Frustration Pane

I look forward to the feel of my left elbow on the windowsill each night, window sitting, leaning into the night – feeling the night air and smelling the night smells – waiting for the entrainment with Silence to begin. The night has become like a close friendship: welcoming, embracing, receiving…

Unfortunately the next door neighbor’s back porch light was on – again. So I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of silence – the sounds of the night.

I became aware of the feeling of frustration in my body. She is a frequent visitor these days. Her presence is like an undercurrent stream in my life. She has been the one throwing stones at the window for several nights now. I have been agitated by her presence, wanting her to go away. But tonight I finally stopped resisting, stopped trying not to see her. I gave in and looked through her window pane.

I asked her what she needs, what she wants, why she is here. There was no immediate answer, just a sense of her presence, and a visceral feeling in my body. The feeling is like something that wants to burst out but can’t. It feels like stuck energy looking for an outlet, like a bottle neck where the energies can’t flow, or water that is dammed up. Frustration is the feeling of being trapped and not being able to find a way out – like a holding in, a holding back, of energies that want to be expressed. There’s a great force behind it, trying to break through. It’s a feeling of being bound... And when I feel her I want to consume food - to suppress her, to soothe her agitation and irritation; to avoid feeling the intense sensation.

As I acknowledged this frustration, however, something relaxed. Feelings just want to be recognized. Feelings just need expression, and to be listened to - like a friend. I know this, although I don’t always pay attention. So I gave it some space, met it as an energy of frustration – not a “me” who is frustrated, or a me who is resisting – but just an energy. I sat with it a while and asked it some questions. And it allowed me in.

The sense was that frustration wants freedom, freedom from constraints, constrictions and limitations; and there are many these days: physical, fiscal and familial.

I then asked: what is your gift – your wisdom?

And without hesitation she answered: “the impetus for change, the impetus for freedom. Follow the frustration.”

So I asked: what is behind the frustration? The answer again came: the drive for freedom, as if I hadn’t heard her the first time. And I wondered, is there an innate drive for freedom in the system we know as “me”: the mind, the feelings, the body? Is it built in so that we move towards freedom in all we do? I tend to believe this is so. It’s what propels us on the path. A friend calls it “the heart’s hunger for unconditional Freedom.” She calls this hunger “the underlying movement of life.” And this frustration feels like a tide within the Ocean constantly pulling at me. She is calling me to change the way I dance with life, the way I engage and interact. She is calling me into a new way of Being.

The feeling of frustration let go on the breeze for the night. I consciously brought my attention to the rhythm of the breath again. I understood that I need to continue to consciously and mindfully pay attention to this tide of frustration when she pulls at me and calls me to Freedom.

~*~

(the picture is from an old card)