Here I "go" again...

Here I “go” again – or maybe not. :)

I originally posted this picture on the “In Transition” post, and since I’m still kinda in that space and I liked the picture, I thought I’d post the picture again as I meander on my way here.

I’ve been in a kind of mental/emotional fog for the last week or so, bumping into things in the dark – like anger, and sadness, and grief… Not the usual holiday fare. I am also acutely aware that I need to deeply attend to the Silence of Being within; to that “Pull” that I keep experiencing. Yet the holidays do not lend themselves to retreats of contemplative Silence – at least not in this family monastery… This creates a kind of discombobulated feeling in this mind and body, as well as the strong need to find the Silent inner Rhythm and just retreat, as life as it is at this time of year requires an external flow that feels contrary to my Nature.

I also find it ironic that no matter how much of my ‘self’ I have given through out the year, in small and not so small ways, in subtle and emotional unnoticeable ways, the holiday gift giving of *things* seems to be what matters most. It becomes the measuring stick of how much we love and care for our loved ones, an “exchange” of this fuzzy, nebulous thing called “love”… So if we are “exchanging” this commodity in a transactional way is that really “giving”? Strange custom that our inherent nature for “giving” is dictated by a date on a calendar and the giving of *things*, as a culmination of all that has *already* been given in the months before in more practical ways. What’s up with that? Is what I do all year long not a *symbol* of my love and giving nature as well? But pardon me, I digress… ech-hem…

So now that the hub-bub of the holidays is over I can breath again… No more expectations, obligations or wish lists to fulfill, no comparing, no out-doing, no one-ups-man power play giving, no family baggage. Just following the Stream of Being – as IT wants to Flow - which right now appears to be - no-where. Ahhhh – sweet no-where, no-thing…

Just before the Solstice I started experiencing a “still-point” – a coming to a halt inwardly. It felt like a turning point within, interestingly coinciding with the turning of the season. It was the sense of collapsing into zero-point, the silent, still Awareness drawing me to its core, like a great cosmic tide emptying me out into Silence. I found here a deeper space of not-knowing than I was in before, a space of “waiting” - for the breath to be breathed; the in-between space. The place of not being defined by anything, of not having a framework of interpretation, or reference point to measure life, or myself by. And I kinda like it actually. Just the open space of the hum of Silent Awareness… The hum of Being Alive… But the fog rolled in...

I want to *live* this luscious Silent Aliveness unendingly as a way of life – not moments of meditation in “The Cave”… In this space there is no mental confusion about which direction to take, or where I “should” be going. All one can do here is – stand still – and listen; not focusing on direction, results, outcomes, achieving, acquiring – or the measure of gifting. It’s just about being still – at the still-point of Being – living from the still-point of Life – the Stream of Being. Listening to what this deep Silence of Being has to say and where IT wants to go…

In the fog this morning, waiting for clarity to return, waiting to *feel* this hum of Silent Aliveness of Life within again, I happened to read a blog post that was about a young Japanese poet girl who decided to become a Buddhist Nun. It said that she became a Buddhist Nun, “not in order to renounce the world, but out of a desire to teach her heart to be like the clear water which flows night and day.” That’s it! (No, I’m not running off to the nunnery.) It was the inspiration, the in-breath of clarity that was needed to clear the fog. And you never know where it’s going to come from. It made my Heart sing. Yes, that’s it - learning the ways of Silence. *Living* in such a way that this Silence of the Heart, these clear Waters, can flow day and night – consciously. A song in my Heart has been rekindled… Now we shall see where that goes… The Silence has ITs own ways…

How about you, what makes your Heart sing?

~*~