Come meander with me on the pathless path of the Heart
in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of life...

Monday, July 18, 2011


Last Weds evening this body was flattened by chemical exposure to a huge dose of liquid lawn fertilizer. No, not the rabbit, me. I was standing at the kitchen window, preparing dinner, as the lawn guy was waving his magic wand. I should have known better than to take that free offer for “Hydro Wet.” The wind was blowing directly at the house. As the strong smell of nitrogen wafted through the window I became nauseous, light-headed and vision blurred. We shut all windows and put the A/C on, but by that time the smell was in the house. I evidently got more than this body could handle and spent the next several days unable to function; not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually - as toxins coursed through this body. I was literally flattened on all levels.

It seems that *all* of our faculties (body, mind, sensing, and feeling) are involved in awareness, in knowing our Beingness. They’re all inseparable from the Whole - I know. But it was as if “Elvis had left the building.” I could not *feel* my Self embodied in this body. It was as if “I” had receded somewhere. But where did “I” go, I wondered as I lay there like a passenger on a ship rocking in a raging sea. It was like having an out-of-body experience that wasn’t “fun.” And all I could do was go through it – I’m still not all the way through. I wondered if that was what dying felt like - and hoped not. It took quite a bit of conscious awareness, and several days to *feel* *grounded* in the ground of Being again, through energy work and Rescue Remedy, lots of water, deep rest, and stillness. And “I” is still not “all in” let’s say. Body has definitely been shocked and is out of whack, energies warped, life rhythms wobbling, and unable to maintain harmony. Mental acuity is lessened – what’s left of it, as it has been waning anyway – but noticeably so… :) The body feels seriously compromised…

Throughout all this I felt “pressured” to “get better” because of family needs – and my mother’s innocent comment that “we need to get you better,” which didn’t help in the healing process, because I couldn’t relax and just be with it, just let it take its course. I kept telling myself, I need to get better - like I had any control over it. My disabled sister with severe back pain and elderly mother are 30 minutes away… Not good. I felt the full weight of the responsibility, but could not make the body function – of course – and no “miracles” were forthcoming… I thought, we definitely need to find some alternative, pragmatic solutions to “what is” – to the way life is at the moment, since none of us are functioning very well these days. This “care-giving” that my sister and I share, when she’s not flattened by her back issues, is fortunately not literal care-taking, but more taxi drivers for appointments, errand girls, grocery shoppers, kitty box scoopers, meal makers, trash taker outers, and just about anything that needs doing - being available – on call - for whatever is needed… I know many of you can relate to this too. But this body can’t keep going at this pace; and obviously neither can my sister’s. This body can’t be available all the time, as this is also what has weakened this body that is already compromised with health issues. “Getting better” is only a relative term for me. I know there are many who can relate…

During this “event” ego arose with its conditioning big time – which actually surprised me. “Ego”/me never really goes away, as some myths would have us believe. It is also inseparable from the Whole. But I was surprised that it could so easily regain control. It was as if I regressed to a former state. Personality traits that I hadn’t resorted to in years suddenly reared their ugly heads. I could blame it on the chemicals affecting my brain, liver, kidneys, etc., but I think there was a deeper “release” going on here.

Ego seemed to operate more in this state of body trauma, as this body mechanism struggled to rebalance itself. How easily that occurs when body feels threatened, I discovered. I went through denial, anger, pissyness, bitch queen, resistance, trying to create a different outcome, and finally a tiny surrender to the way things are – but not completely. I still felt pressured to “hurry up” and “get better” – for my family’s sake. I had a serious “One-on-One” conversation with the “One” that runs this body mechanism that I needed to be 100% “better” by Monday - the victimy, demanding bargaining stage. But I’m not in control here. That is obvious. The body and the “One” have their own ways.

I will say, it was seen again, at the window one night, that there *is* something here beyond the body mechanism that *wants* to live, to be Alive – that IS Alive here, and somehow sustains this body – so far…

~ ♥ ~


  1. Oh, Christine, I am so sorry you've been so unwell! I hope this finds you feeling better of body & spirit now. When we are struck down, it is amazing how the ego takes on all sorts of little trips, it's it? ;o) Last summer I had bronchitis very badly, it was very scary not being able to breathe normally for weeks. I lay in a darkened room for day, struggling to breathe. I would come back again & again to Thich Nhat Hanh's Breathe! You Are Alive. I'd say those very words inwardly, and it helped to keep me going. :o) I love how you share so much here. Many thanks for your extra note. I'm sorry not to have had a chance to reply yet. We went away at the end of last week for a 3-day long weekend, and now only just back. We opted to keep the trip digital-less, so only now getting back online. ;o) Be taking good care, feel well, breathe... ((HUGS))

  2. Thank you Tracy ~ Yes, I am recovering! :) Yes, the ego found this little trip scary too. I kept repeating to myself "I am Awareness" and ran the energy through my body (like in Qi Gong) to try to get a sense of it. Eventually I felt the energy run through - with a sigh of relief...

    I saw on your latest post that you went away. Sounds like you had a good time! Looking forward to hearing more about it.

    Thanks for your well-wishes. Yes - breathe ~~~
    Heart Hugs ~ C

  3. You, the Perfect One Dearest Christine, with Words and Expression all in the right Time of Now. I love You.

  4. Thank you sweet Leslie :) I love you too. Your Presence here is always a healing breath of fresh air ~ ~ ~ inhaling.... Seems I've spun a good tale here - huh? The tale wagging the dog :) Need ml's mirror! LOL ♥

  5. LOL...Yes...What a great ML post. I need to relax into this Space of Now...now. ♥

  6. Oh no!!! I am familiar with the fear when the body becomes unwell. And to be hit on all levels. So difficult. And then to feel the pressure of the needs of others.

    I bet there are some homeopathic remedies (usually quite reasonably priced) to use after an encounter with toxic chemicals. Might be worth a try.

    Do take good care And heal without putting pressure on yourself! One of the Shamanic journey things I love is flooding every cell with light!

    Much metta to you.

  7. ZDS ~ It all sounds so dramatic doesn't it? :) But this is how Life is playing Itself out here at the moment... And sometimes it is overwhelming to this body...

    Thanks for the suggestion for homeopathic remedies! I had forgotten about that - will check into it...

    Am interested in your shamanic journey of light. I'll email you!

    Thank you for the well wishes and metta...

    Hugs to you!

  8. Oh Christine, I so hope you are feeling better - lawn fertilizers are toxic stuff indeed.

  9. Hello Cate! Well, it seems I am still working through it, as well as some other stuff that has arisen this week... Life in a body :) Thanks for your well-wishes... Christine


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