The Great Suffering - A Simple Man

The Great Suffering is one of many perceptions and sensations
felt in the body, and happens simultaneously with the 
awareness of the Beauty around us - in the formless Field of
Awareness.

Everything is overlaid with acquired knowledge, and the
psychological and somatic conditioning.  The immediacy of
our experience becomes veiled, overlaid by unconscious,
reflexive conditioning.  The overlay applies to the totality of
experience and what it feels like to be alive.

The Great Suffering comes about as we learn of the darker
aspects of Nature and humankind.  The aspects of the Great
Suffering are not innate elements.  Nothing originally overlays
our Naked Essence. Can we come to an Experience of Being
that we have known before the constituents of The Great
Suffering clouded our Essence?

Our Essence is the Essential me unshrouded by all that has been
acquired over the course of a life; all that is not native to us.
It is the feeling of Aliveness.  You can feel yourself.  You can
feel the Field of Awareness Itself - which is the Feeling of
yourself...  You have to keep bringing your Attention back to
feeling yourself as the Source, which is prior to the arising of
thought...

Who then am I?

The Formless Aliveness, the Essential self , recognized and
remembered.  

Excerpts from: An Affair of the Heart
by - A Simple Man

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

The Journey - Henri Bergson

Fortunately, some are born with spiritual immune systems that
sooner or later give rejection to the illusory worldview grafted
upon them from birth through social conditioning.  They begin
sensing that something is amiss, and start looking for answers.
Inner knowledge and anomalous outer experiences show them
a side of reality others are oblivious to, and so begins their 
journey of awakening.  Each step of the journey is made by
following the heart instead of following the crowd and by
choosing [inner] knowledge over the veils of ignorance.

Henri Bergson
Daily Zen

with thanks to Whiskey River

~

Photo Mystic Meandering

 

Go Further - Danna Faulds

Go further than your mind can reach,
further than your words can speak.
Go further than you know, outside of
your control.  Break your conditioning...

Like a twig plucked from a tree, carried a
great distance, and woven into a crow's
nest, you have no idea of your real destiny.

Keep going until there is nothing left, and
you are empty and bereft.  Hold that open
space.  Inhabit the place of not knowing
until grace tugs on your awareness and
says "Follow me into the center of chaos
and serenity.  Follow me to what you've
always been and always will be."

The truth of you is far beyond what you
imagine, simultaneously deathless and
here to be lived, then surrendered back
into the Infinite.

Danna Faulds
From: Limitless

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

 

The Jewel of Non-Judgement - Fred LaMotte

No jewel is more radiant and clear than a mind free of
judgments.  Here is the space where we can truly meet.

And no "practice" is more full of grace than simply dropping
judgment.  Yet this effortless non-doing requires great
courage.  because the moment we drop the judge, we are
assailed by ten thousand voices from our conditioning, our
politics, our education, shouting, "How dare you!  This is
irresponsible!  You must choose sides! You must condemn
the opposition!  How can the world survive without your
judgments?"

Yes, the moment after you drop judgment, a tidal wave of
inner voices judges YOU.  Be courageous.  Drop them too!
When we drop the voices of our judgment, we drop the
voices that judge us, and we drop them not one at a time,
but all at once.  Let an exhalation of surrender sweep
these voices away like scattered petals, dry leaves.  Then
breathe in the breath of emptiness, sparkling with Shakti,
vibrating with the pure power of Silence.

Hollow and transparent, blaming no one, we are present,
eyes open to a luminous world, created just now.  The ocean
of the heart overflows through these eyes.  Few words are
needed.  We meet.  And we respond to a world that actually
IS, instead of responding to our mental judgments about it.
This is real response-ability.

Fred LaMotte

Uradiance

(and photo too)

 

Loss Teaches You Everything - Issa

I lost many things in Costa Rica: physical stuff, psychological
baggage, spirituality (the idea that there is someone who should
get enlightened), weight, conditioning, civilization (the idea that
there is a certain way to be civilized, a norm to live by), 
domestication (the idea you should own a house/property and
own many physical things in order to be secure), sentimentality
of romance (it's apparently part of the play to have this experience
yet it has lost its sentiments).

It's when all is lost that all is found.  
When the illusion of the one who is doing her best to be in control,
to do the 'right thing', is gone.  When she is apparently gone life just
 flows magically, completely empty (nothing can be held onto,
prevented to change) yet fulfilling every need and desire as there
are no particular demands from anyone.  Life fulfills life as water
endlessly keeps flowing from a well to the sea.

Issa from Costa Rica

via - Uradiance

Photo - from Love is a Place

 

Superficial Existence - J. Krishnamurti

 Everywhere society is conditioning the individual, and this 
conditioning takes the form of self-improvement, which is
really the perpetuation of the 'me', the ego, in different forms.

Self-improvement may be gross, or it may be very, very
refined when it becomes the practice of virtue, goodness,
the so-called love of one's neighbor, but essentially it is the
continuance of the 'me', which is a product of the conditioning
influences of society.

All your endeavor has gone into becoming something [better],
either here, if you can make it, or if not, in another world; but
it is the same urge, the same drive to maintain and continue
 the self.

Being free of society implies not being ambitious, not being
covetous, not being competitive; it implies being nothing in
relation to that society which is striving to be something.

.....

As long as one wants to be part of this society, one must breed
insanity, wars, destruction, and misery; but to free oneself from
this society - the society of violence, of wealth, of position, of
success - requires patience, inquiry, and discovery...

.....

If one is capable of studying, watching oneself, one begins to
discover how cumulative memory is acting on everything
one sees; one is forever evaluating, discarding or accepting, 
condemning or justifying, so one's experience is always
within the field of the known, of the conditioned.

But without cumulative memory as a directive, most of us 
feel lost, we feel frightened, and so we are incapable of
observing ourselves as we are.

When there is the accumulative process, which is the cultivation

of memory, our observation of ourselves becomes very
superficial.  Memory is helpful in directing, improving oneself,
but in self-improvement there can never be a revolution, a 
radical transformation.  It is only when the sense of self -
improvement completely ceases, but not by volition, that there
is a possibility of something transcendental, something totally
new coming into being.

J. Krishnamurti

from talks given:
Aug. 7th - 28th, 1955

with thanks to The Beauty We Love

~

Photo - Mystic Meandering

Who Really Sees - J. Krishnamurti

Who sees exactly what is taking place in the world,
and who really wants to find out if God, truth, is
an actuality or merely a clever invention of the priest?

And there must be individual human beings who have
completely broken away from the collective, from society,
who are free from conditioning, not in layers or spots,
but totally, for it is only such individuals who can find
out what truth or God is -

Not the man of tradition, not the man who does japa,
rings bells, quotes the Gita, and goes to the temple
every day.  It is the irreligious people who do that.

But the man who really wants to find out what this
extraordinary movement of living is must not only
understand the process of his own conditioning, but
be able to go beyond it.

Because, the mind can find out what is true only when
it is free from all conditioning, not when it merely
repeats certain words or quotes sacred books.
Such a mind is not free.

J. Krishnamurti

From - Collected Works

via - The Beauty We Love

Personal note:  I recognize that I am so far from this - but this *is* what "I" wants - the complete "recognition" of ItSelf - the True Self - whatever one knows that to be in themselves that is beyond conditioning of who we *think* we are...   Each of us will come to that in our own way...  Namaste...

My friend, I am not what I seem.
Seeming is but a garment I wear -

The "I" in me, my friend, dwells in the house of Silence.
and therein it shall remain for ever more...

My path is not thy path,
yet together we walk, hand in hand...

Kahlil Gibran

Excerpt from:" I am not what I seem"

Violence - J. Krishnamurti

We are trying to understand violence as a fact,
not as an idea, as a fact which exists in the human being,
and the human being is myself.  And to go into the
problem I must be completely vulnerable, open, to it.
I must expose myself to myself - not necessarily
expose myself to you because you may not be interested -
but I must be in a state of mind that demands to see this thing
right to the end...

Now it must be obvious to me that I am a violent human being.
I have experienced violence in anger, violence in hatred, creating
enmity, violence in jealousy and so on - I have experienced it, I
have known it, and I say to myself 'I want to understand this whole
 problem, not just one fragment of it expressed in war, but this
aggression in man that also exists in animals, of which I am a part.

Violence is not merely killing another.  It is violence when we use
a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person, when
we obey because of fear.  So violence isn't merely organized butchery
in the name of God, in the name of society or country.  Violence is
much more subtle, much deeper...

When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a
European, or anything else, you are being violent.  Do you see why
it is violent?  Because you are separating yourself from the rest of
mankind.  When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality,
by tradition, it breeds violence.  So a man who is seeking to
understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion,
to any political party or system; he is concerned with the
total understanding of mankind.

The moment you protect a belief, an idea, a dogma, the thing that
you demand or that you hold, that very protection indicates anger.
So can you look at anger without any explanation or justification...
Can you look at anger completely objectively?

To go beyond violence I cannot suppress it, I cannot deny it...
I have to look at it.  I must become intimate with it.  You have
to learn how to look at anger...  You have to learn why you are not
objective, why you condemn or justify.  You have to learn that you
condemn and justify because it is part of the social structure you live
in, your conditioning as a German or an Indian or a Negro
 or an American or whatever you happen to have been born with,
 all the dulling of the mind that this conditioning results in.

To live completely, fully, in the moment is to live with what is,
including the anger...  The face of violence is not only outside
you but inside you...

J. Krishnamurti
excerpt from: Freedom from the Known

via - The Beauty We Love

~

All violence begins with disconnection [a sense of separation].
All outward violence begins as inner loneliness [a sense of not belonging].

[We must] break the code of disconnection...

Glenn Doyle Melton

From the article:
One Teacher's Brilliant Strategy to Stop Future School Shootings

Dark Night of the Soul - Mirabai Starr & Jeannie Zandi

The Dark Night of the Soul, as St. John of the Cross conceived it,
is actually an inner state of "spiritual crisis."  It is an experience
of being stripped of all spiritual feelings, all our false constructs,
and a dismantling of edifices of religious concepts with which we
are accustomed to propping up our inner lives.  In the Dark Night
we cannot feel the presence of the Sacred anymore, and the word
"God" becomes devoid of meaning.  It is a plunge into the abyss
of radical unknowingness.  It is only when we get out of our own
way that the Divine can take over and fill us with love.  But it's a
grueling process to come to this level of surrender.

But the Dark Night of the Soul is not only about being brought to our
knees.  It is about unconditional love, the kind of love that wakes
us up and affirms our deepest humanity.  The act of consciously
yielding to the shattering of the heart [in grief] is not high on the
 list of cultural values, but it is part of being awake [to life]...

The Dark Night of global crisis will reveal itself as a state of pure
luminescence, where nothing is as we thought it was...

Mirabai Starr
Excerpt from Dark Night of the Soul

~

Even the most sophisticated.....seekers are flummoxed by a dark
night experience, and this ability to flummox is at the heart of its
effectiveness and purpose.  The coping strategies of conditioning
must be entirely frustrated, the arrogance of the "me" must be
thoroughly met with a humbling, so that the being is left with
absolutely nowhere to turn to "solve the problem."  Thus the
brilliant survival strategy that has the illusion of separation at its
base is brought to its knees, so that a new reliance on the organic
flow of the Divine may rise.

The dream of "getting there" that the being invested all her life
energy, hours and efforts into is suddenly seen as a mirage.  And
trying to get to Nirvana with strategies [is seen as] hopeless,
because it IS hopeless.  The coping strategies generally have to
fail utterly for a new reliance on living radically open and
unprepared in the moment to be fully embraced.

What the soul is after is not a temporary influx of light, but a
thorough deconstruction of the false that results in the embodiment
of a light that shines through the darkness.

The Dark Night of the Soul is an initiation, a sacred passage, a
dying of the old and birthing of light enfleshed.  This process of
initiation or passage is not a problem to be solved.  Huge amounts
of shadow material will rise, identities will fall, coping mechanisms
will fail, and tremendous amounts of energy, mostly as emotion, will
emerge to be released.  The "me" coping structure undergoes a
massive deconstruction, and the fresh innocent, wide-eyed and present
Essential Being emerges from the rubble.

Jeannie Zandi

Excerpt from: Dark Night: The Breakdown of the Mythology of Me

Where We Began - Chuck Surface

Although we are often driven by sorrow,
To seek the end of sorrows,
It is the desire for Love,
and in the end, Love itself,
Which brings us to Freedom.

For when all Hope is lost,
And only Despair remains,
When all paths have failed,
And all efforts proven vain.

Then we sit alone, with nothing left.
Nothing, that is...
Except what moved us at the onset.
Our Own Shining Heart,
Our Own Inherent Love.

We wander for countless ages,
In the heartbreak of conditionality and causality,
Until, when grasping is exhausted,
We simply rest as the Love we Are.

Simply Here, where we began...

...always within...


Chuck Surface
In The Garden of the Beloved
Facebook

Empty Cups...

Experiencing spiritual confusion recently, I asked for guidance.  “Spirit” pointed me to “Emptiness.”  The word E-m-p-t-i-n-e-s-s floated through my awareness like a whisper, as if gently calling me to listen, to “see”, to touch, and to experience IT – this “Emptiness.”  I was drawn in to the *space* of Divine Emptiness within.

Amazingly I found articles and posts on Emptiness, on Consciousness, and on Awareness (which many consider one and the same).   Then I spontaneously posted the post about Cups in the Ocean, finding the poems by Rumi once again. And my post on SteppingInto The Stream is in many ways about discovering that wondrous space of Emptiness through letting go.  While decluttering the book cases a couple of weekends ago I re-discovered Adyashanti’s book, Emptiness Dancing, which I have just started re-reading.  And then Fred LaMotte posted this lovely piece recently on the Fullness of Emptiness…  Obviously there was something I was supposed to see about “Emptiness…”

When the word and internal *feeling* of Emptiness first wafted through, it was so powerful that I started taking empty cups from my cupboard and setting them out on their sides in places where I knew I would see them, as reminders of this wondrous sense of Emptiness - our original Nature; the Formlessness within Form analogy.

I experienced this Emptiness as endless spacious openness, unconfined, not having a bottom like a cup, but somehow the symbolism of the empty cup spoke to me, allowing me to recognize the Emptiness as our original Eternal Nature – the still-point of Consciousness ItSelf.   What we *think* we are - this ego, this personality, this identity, this mind, this thought, this emotion, this body, are basically empty forms, filled with Emptiness (Formless Awareness/Consciousness).  It is not the same gutted emptiness that one feels after loss, or trauma. Not “emptiness” in the sense of being a void, devoid of life, but a dynamic, yet subtle vibration of Aliveness, aware, knowing Emptiness that is viscerally felt as an alive, peaceful FULLness . 

When I would turn my awareness inward to this space of Emptiness I felt a profound quietness, a deep presence of Being, a re-orientation of my perspective.  But I also had the sense that through this re-orienting “I” was being “emptied out,” of my orientation to my habituated patterns of mental conditioning as a way of living, the conditioned mental frameworks, as well as deeply buried emotional issues that continue to run deep and rise often, along with the ego-centered way of seeing the world that wants to hang on.  It is like being emptied of all that is not Essential, which of course creates upheaval, and can and has sent me into anxiety and bouts of depression recently.  The ego becomes so emotionally attached to its ideas and beliefs of the way our life should happen, that it resists letting go.  In this process, however, I got the image that the “me” that I *think* I am, that I have become attached to, is an empty cup in the vast Ocean of Pure Consciousness – being dissolved into that Ocean, so that I may remember that *essentially* I am the Ocean. 

In some ways this does leave a kind of gutted feeling because the ego-self resists this emptying, as the orientation *begins* to shift from the “me/ego-self” to our Essential Nature - before the sense of a separate “me.”   The familiar identity known as Christine is being emptied out – present tense – ongoing – little by little - through a process of awareness and surrender – through continually bringing my awareness to this space of Emptiness, *feeling* it, the true Emptiness; seeing that these “ego forms” that we believe we are, are really just empty cups filled with this wondrous space of Aware Consciousness, or Emptiness, unattached to ego, or mind, or thought, or feeling – just the conscious Isness of Being.

How interesting the many varied ways in which we are each shown the wondrous mystery of our True Nature…  Shown that the process of “awakening” to the Truth of our Existence is ever-unfolding, each in our own way…

As a result, I realized recently that I no longer *know* what I *thought* I knew, as my perceptions of Truth have evolved.  In this space of Divine Emptiness what I *thought* was important to say, isn’t, because there is really nothing left to say…

Namaste…

A Window Through - Ram Dass...

This morning I received an email with the excerpt below from Ram Dass regarding his new book, Grist for the Mill.  Some of you may already know Ram Dass as a “spiritual teacher”, from the psychedelic 60’s.  Ironically I knew nothing of him at the time, as a teenager growing up outside of Boston.  I have only come to know of him in the past few years, having read several of his books, resonating with his words….

How interesting that this excerpt would show up on my “doorstep” at this time, dealing with challenging family issues and personalities, which my husband calls: the “misery drama.” J  I’ve been looking for a new window through which to see this experience, and my interaction with it.  And voila – here is something I needed to hear, something I needed to look at once again.  Syncronicity at work… J

Here is the excerpt – which for me offered a window through which to see my family situation with different eyes…  Hopefully J  At least make me more aware of the dynamic and my role in it…

“The optimal strategy in behavior change, with yourself  and every other human being, is compassion.  That means, as far as I understand it, the ability to see how it all is.  As long as you have certain desires about how you *think* it ought to be, you can’t *hear* how it is.  As long as I want something, I can’t really understand it, because much of what I can see are just my own projective systems.  You must come to see every human being, including yourself, as an incarnation in a body of a personality, going through a certain life experience which is functional.  You allow it to be just the way it is at the moment, seeing even your own confusion and conflict and suffering as functional, rather than as dysfunctional.

The greatest thing you can do for any being is provide the unconditional love which comes from making contact with that place in them which is beyond conditioning, which is just pure consciousness, pure essence.  That is, once we acknowledge each other as existing, just being here, just being, then each of us is free to change optimally.  If I can just love you because here we are, then you are free to grow as you need to grow, because none of it’s going to change my feeling of love.

We’re used to having these special role relationships, thinking certain roles apply to one, yet not to another, because we’re very attached to externals – do you touch somebody, do you sleep with them, do you control them, do you collaborate with them, do you support them, do you pay them, do they pay you?  That’s all stuff of the vehicle of the interaction between two beings; it isn’t the essence of the matter.

 As you work on yourself through your daily life, more and more you see your own reactions to things around you as sort of mechanical rip-offs.  You get much calmer in the space behind it all, and you’re able to hear more of how it all is, including your own personality as part of nature.

 The deeper you are in that space, the more there is available for everybody you meet who is capable of coming into that space.  You are the environment that allows them to do that – and from within this space all change is possible.  The minute you identify yourself or anyone else with models, roles, or any characteristic, any individual difference, change is really fierce.  Once you live in a universe where you experience even your living and dying as relative, rather than in absolute terms, it’s all free to change.  There’s nowhere you have to go to work on yourself other than where you are at this moment, and everything that’s happening to you is part of your work on yourself.”

You may also want to read this post I wrote on “Prickly Personalities” back in 2012 when I was more able to be in that space that Ram Dass talks about.  It does make a difference…  I just need to consciously find my way there again…

~

Photo:

Light and shadow through a window curtain

color inverted

Frenetic Flow...

I’ve been violating my own natural rhythms of life this week, getting caught in the frenetic flow of the crazy Season.  You know, that time of year when human kind reverts to its animal nature competing for the best deals and the best gift, turning “giving” into greed. J  Did you *see* those lines wrapped around the big box stores on Thanskgiving Day, and customers camping out on the sidewalks in order to be the *first* in line, and those images of people beating up on each other to buy an i-pad!? – or whatever the newest technological device is…   It seriously warps my “spiritual” image of humanity each year, as apparently this is what the world is about – for some…  The world at large continues in its craziness, especially at this time of year.  Our conditioning and beliefs run deep.  I remind myself that I don’t have to follow the pack in their frenzie.  I am *so* very aware that I have been allowing my mind to take me on that mythical sleigh ride with those illusive reindeer – “Get-er-done” and “Get it over with” – and of course their leader – Resistance… J  What can I say…  Maybe I require a new consciousness…

I ventured out on a couple of shopping excursions this week.  Consequently I am feeling a little shell-shocked tonight.  My nervous system has been significantly overstimulated by all the noise, people and chaos, as well as the expectations of “The Season.”  I have a sensitive body, and am a Mystic at heart, so I need Silence, Solitude and Sabbatical on a *daily* basis, which I will take tomorrow (Friday) - purposely setting the day aside for Silence, meditation, and rest; becoming aware once again of that silent Rhythm of just Be-ing, finding a fluid flow with Life. 

I am very aware that I easily lose The Rhythm of Silence within – on a daily basis – swimming up stream, tuned to the “world’s rhythm.”  When I don’t get Quiet, I can’t *feel* the Silence within, and can’t follow the inner Flow, and a frenetic way of thinking takes over, (can you tell ? lol:) driving me through the day. I am aware of the need for a change in vision, needing more than just a new lens, but a deep shift within.  Unfortunately spending time in “Silence” seems to find its way to the bottom of my “to-do” list at the end of every day, which means it isn’t getting done.  Not that spending time in “Contemplative Silence” consciously is a “doing” – I realize that it is a way of Being – one which I haven’t evidently entrained with yet, so by the end of the day I have lost that *sense* of Rhythm, and the *awareness* of the Eternal Flow and crave time in Beloved Silence – my sanctuary… 

And then, unexpectedly, I am graced…  As I lay in bed before sleep, I cup my face in the palms of my hands, following the breath, and begin to *feel* the Silent Rhythm of Being again, recognizing its familiar Flow…  It was never completely gone…  I simply had to get Quiet…  When I am in that space the craziness of the world doesn’t matter.  There is only Sweet Peace…

“Our minds have become cluttered with so much programming
that we scarcely feel the intuitive currents of life,
which set the spirit free….
The spirit calls the heart to respond to its desire

 to break free of the imaginary bonds of
belief and fear,
and awaken from the dream of ego,
to new vistas of liberating insight…
opening to flow in new directions and new visions of life…”

Adyashanti

Flattened

Last Weds evening this body was flattened by chemical exposure to a huge dose of liquid lawn fertilizer. No, not the rabbit, me. I was standing at the kitchen window, preparing dinner, as the lawn guy was waving his magic wand. I should have known better than to take that free offer for “Hydro Wet.” The wind was blowing directly at the house. As the strong smell of nitrogen wafted through the window I became nauseous, light-headed and vision blurred. We shut all windows and put the A/C on, but by that time the smell was in the house. I evidently got more than this body could handle and spent the next several days unable to function; not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually - as toxins coursed through this body. I was literally flattened on all levels.

It seems that *all* of our faculties (body, mind, sensing, and feeling) are involved in awareness, in knowing our Beingness. They’re all inseparable from the Whole - I know. But it was as if “Elvis had left the building.” I could not *feel* my Self embodied in this body. It was as if “I” had receded somewhere. But where did “I” go, I wondered as I lay there like a passenger on a ship rocking in a raging sea. It was like having an out-of-body experience that wasn’t “fun.” And all I could do was go through it – I’m still not all the way through. I wondered if that was what dying felt like - and hoped not. It took quite a bit of conscious awareness, and several days to *feel* *grounded* in the ground of Being again, through energy work and Rescue Remedy, lots of water, deep rest, and stillness. And “I” is still not “all in” let’s say. Body has definitely been shocked and is out of whack, energies warped, life rhythms wobbling, and unable to maintain harmony. Mental acuity is lessened – what’s left of it, as it has been waning anyway – but noticeably so… :) The body feels seriously compromised…

Throughout all this I felt “pressured” to “get better” because of family needs – and my mother’s innocent comment that “we need to get you better,” which didn’t help in the healing process, because I couldn’t relax and just be with it, just let it take its course. I kept telling myself, I need to get better - like I had any control over it. My disabled sister with severe back pain and elderly mother are 30 minutes away… Not good. I felt the full weight of the responsibility, but could not make the body function – of course – and no “miracles” were forthcoming… I thought, we definitely need to find some alternative, pragmatic solutions to “what is” – to the way life is at the moment, since none of us are functioning very well these days. This “care-giving” that my sister and I share, when she’s not flattened by her back issues, is fortunately not literal care-taking, but more taxi drivers for appointments, errand girls, grocery shoppers, kitty box scoopers, meal makers, trash taker outers, and just about anything that needs doing - being available – on call - for whatever is needed… I know many of you can relate to this too. But this body can’t keep going at this pace; and obviously neither can my sister’s. This body can’t be available all the time, as this is also what has weakened this body that is already compromised with health issues. “Getting better” is only a relative term for me. I know there are many who can relate…

During this “event” ego arose with its conditioning big time – which actually surprised me. “Ego”/me never really goes away, as some myths would have us believe. It is also inseparable from the Whole. But I was surprised that it could so easily regain control. It was as if I regressed to a former state. Personality traits that I hadn’t resorted to in years suddenly reared their ugly heads. I could blame it on the chemicals affecting my brain, liver, kidneys, etc., but I think there was a deeper “release” going on here.

Ego seemed to operate more in this state of body trauma, as this body mechanism struggled to rebalance itself. How easily that occurs when body feels threatened, I discovered. I went through denial, anger, pissyness, bitch queen, resistance, trying to create a different outcome, and finally a tiny surrender to the way things are – but not completely. I still felt pressured to “hurry up” and “get better” – for my family’s sake. I had a serious “One-on-One” conversation with the “One” that runs this body mechanism that I needed to be 100% “better” by Monday - the victimy, demanding bargaining stage. But I’m not in control here. That is obvious. The body and the “One” have their own ways.

I will say, it was seen again, at the window one night, that there *is* something here beyond the body mechanism that *wants* to live, to be Alive – that IS Alive here, and somehow sustains this body – so far…

~ ♥ ~

Body Wisdom and Obsession...

After a strenuous week I decided to put the hammock up on Saturday and spend some relaxing time out in the back yard, listening to the birds, the breeze, the highway traffic, the lawn mowers, the dogs barking, and the little water fountain on our back patio. Heh, heh, heh… Oh yeah, sweet swinging relaxation…

I sat my butt in it, noticing that 20 pounds extra makes a difference in agility getting in the thing – feeling more like a small, eldering (my new word for aging :), beached whale floundering around on the sand. I was adjusting myself in it, when I heard this rip sound as all the ropes across the top gave way, and felt myself start to fall. My legs were already in the air, and I had started to sit up, which meant that my lumbar spine took the brunt of the fall – thud. Oh-oh… sH_t!!! Amazing how a short fall can feel like it’s taking forever. And yet I was surprised when I hit the ground with a jolt. It couldn’t have been more than a foot, foot and a half at the most. And it happened so quickly! I landed on dirt with rocks in it – no soft, fluffy grass. “We” :) had set it up near the end of the patio so I could hear the water fountain.

Immediately there was a twinge of fear, as I was born with a form of spina bifida between Lumbar 5, the last lumbar vertebrae, and the Sacrum. That left an opening in the spinal column, leaving the spinal cord vulnerable. In a split second this body could have been paralyzed. Whoa. There’s a fearful thought. But legs were working. I could stand up, walk, no sharp shooting pains, although I knew my spine took the hit pretty hard, so I grabbed the soft ice gel pack out of the freezer and headed for the couch. Who knew that a hammock mishap could potentially ruin your day – maybe even your life. How easily life could have drastically changed in one instant. You know this somewhere inside, that life changes, that it *will*change, no state is permanent, including the physical state, but when you experience first hand the possibility of how quickly life can change, it hits with a sense of shock – and, for me, fear. Oh the joys of being in a body.

And then you see that Who/What “you” are is still being you, “you” are still functioning –or is it that your body is being functioned. You see that “you” are still being animated by that which animates life. The trick is not to *think* you are your body, to not identify yourself as *my* body, to not let your body define you… Although when the body gets hit with a jolt, you tend to focus on *my* body!

Despite this insight, I spent the next 3 days obsessing about “my” spine, as tingling sensations went down both legs – clearly there was identification going on here. I told my-self not to panic – but body-mind didn’t want to listen – and body-mind crescendoed into intense anxiety. I debated whether to go to the doctor, which would mean CT scan and possible referral to a specialist, but didn’t want to make that decision out of fear, knowing that I could set things in motion that I didn’t want to set in motion – causing more anxiety. I wasn’t quite ready to join the medical circus. So I listened to the voice of Intuition, barely able to get through all that mind noise, which said - strong spine, no worries - and decided to give it more time. The spine is better, tingling gone, although still a little sore on a couple of spinous processes. And driving this morning was interesting – eeuu! Spent a couple of stops readjusting the seat in an attempt to adapt to body as is…

And the metaphor here doesn’t escape me either – the lumbar spine being the major supporting part of the spine, and a hammock that didn’t support me…. Gee, do you think maybe I’m not feeling supported!? That conditioned, fearful little me feeling like it has to carry the weight all by itself!? Oh yes – an old victim mind-set. And what about those old vulnerability and trust issues too? Trusting that I am and will be supported; that it is okay to be vulnerable, without getting hurt – more conditioning… I also know that a lot of fear is held in this area of the body from birth, so it was not surprising that fear and anxiety were released when this “fearful” spot received this huge jolt.

So hammock days are over. Not worth the risk. Don’t want to create any more life changes than is necessary. Good grief I’ve had enough of those already! I know – it’s inevitable… Who knew a hammock could be dangerous – or bring such body wisdom!

~ ♥ ~

The photo is from 2 years ago

Dog Whisperer "Window"

Yesterday morning I looked out the window to see that one of the next door neighbor dogs was outside of her electric fence perimeter. She and her companion dog wear electric collars to keep them in their back yard - supposedly. But K’s was evidently not working. So she was sauntering through the neighbor’s garden – outside her limits – roaming around, enjoying her freedom.

I looked away from the window, thinking to myself - I did *not* see this - I don’t *want* to see this – because seeing this means I need to do something about this – this dog. (This has happened before – K getting out – me rescuing). I went to take my shower and got ready to do my errands. I opened the garage door and there was K – across the street in another neighbor’s front yard rummaging around – unbeknownst to the neighbor. Now I could have gone on my merry way, knowing that K would be roaming the neighborhood, getting into trouble, getting lost, or worse, getting hit by a car. But my heart would not let me do that. So I called to her and she immediately came. Now what. I brought her into the garage and closed the garage door. Now what. I got her water, and called her owner at work – got his voice mail- and waited – a half hour. After about 10 mins of waiting it dawned on me that our backyard was fenced in, so why not let her out there, as there was way too much stuff that she could get into in the garage that could harm her – plus now I couldn’t get out. So I led this hyperactive, panting, anxious dog through the house and out into the backyard, where she proceeded to get into everything that she could. We are not dog proofed here. I vigilantly watched her while waiting for a call-back from her owner, which never came. I called again and left another message – and waited another half hour – becoming more anxious about what to do with this dog. So I stayed out in the back yard with her. She loved the attention… The two dogs whimpered and cried to each other through our fence… My heart strings played their sad tune as well…

While waiting I thought – hey why not try connecting with the dog. I made eye contact with her and spoke softly to her – Being to Being. She responded. I became dog-whisperer. I stroked her while she panted and did her anxiety thing of pulling away and nervously circling the yard – running to me, running away from me. I finally got her to lay down on the patio while I rubbed her belly and laid my hands on her to hopefully help calm her. Once again she responded. And as I calmed her, I calmed too. I made eye contact with her over and over, telling her it would be ok, that she was ok – more for myself I think. We were both going to be okay. I was doggie bonding.

Not hearing back from the owner in an hour, thinking that K had settled enough, I left my husband in charge while I went off to do my errands. Kind of like leaving a husband in charge of a new born. He has no experience either and left her in her crib – the back yard. By the time I got back, a couple of hours later, the owner had retrieved his dog, apologizing profusely to my husband. (We’ve had a lot of dog problems with this guy.) It seems the “workers” at his house, helping with his remodel, had shut the electricity off so they could do the electrical work – and voila – K made her escape. Her companion had been so trained not to go beyond the electrical fence that he stayed. Hmm there must be something in that to see: What beliefs keep me in my pre-conditioned parameters – keep me from being free… hmmm… And am I willing to risk going beyond my self-imposed perimeters in order to be free… I need to look more deeply at this one!

I noticed other metaphors as well… Everything is a window, life is a window, an opening – inviting us look, to see, to experience, to join in the adventure of living and not shy away, no matter what the experience brings, or requires. But sometimes I do turn away from the window of experience, from the moment, from the seeing, because I don’t really want to participate, to pay attention to what is really needed to deeply attend to each situation, to respond to life as it is.

And the other metaphor? Well, how often do I make a Being to Being connection with others… How often do I look directly into the window of someone’s eyes and see the Being that is there – the Spaciousness… It’s easier with animals. They are so open, so willing to be met. Do I really meet others and *see* them… Do I actually *see* the Being that’s looking back. And do I allow myself to be met - Being to Being. Self seeing Self. Self whispering to Self: It’s all okay – all is well…

Everything is a window – a whisper to see, participate and respond…

~*~

There is a wonderful blog to check out called An Appropriate Response…

Lunch with Mom...

I don’t talk about my mother much because this is a sensitive subject. Maybe you have mother issues that are still being worked through, like me. Others may have good relationships with their mothers. I am not one of the fortunate few. However, this is not a blog to rat on my mother, or complain about our wounded relationship. So I hope my readers and fellow meanderers will not hear any of this as judgment or criticism or complaining, or just the reiterating of yet another “story.” I see it as the continuous unfolding of two lives intertwined by birth, life, and the wounds of living. And hopefully I can bring some conscious awareness for myself through the writing of it.

The relationship with my mother can be strained and awkward, or it can be funny and humorous, as we navigate the wound-filled landscape between us – trying to avoid the deeper potholes. I admit I don’t spend a lot of time with my mother – on purpose – although I talk to her on the phone at least once a week to “check in.” Today she arrived after her Wednesday Bible Study group at her church for a planned lunch together. When we got to the restaurant she made a point to tell me that they discussed “not being judgmental” in the group this morning, and how much she believes in not judging others. You would have to know my mother to know just what a contradiction this is. Almost in the next breath she started criticizing a certain member of the congregation that wasn’t doing things the way *she* thought they should be done. Already I’m thinking, this is going to be a loonnnng lunch… Of course I tried to humorously point her back to what she had just told me about the not being judgmental discussion, to which she heartily agreed. Go figure. I think she doesn’t think that what she is saying is being “judgmental.” And in fact, after a little more complaining and “judging” on her part, and a little more humor about that fact by me, she said: I’m not judging, I’m just evaluating – to which we both laughed… I remember well my mother’s “evaluations” of my flaws :)

What she said made me think of how conveniently I give more subtle names to things so I don’t have to look at them, or myself, so I don’t have to admit that I am doing exactly what she is doing, or to not *see* something other than my self-constructed image. Like when I criticize my husband for some flaw (I learned well :) and I say – I’m just trying to help you! Yeah, like who am I to evaluate my husband’s behavior so that he can improve himself. Or as he reminds me, so I can get him to “perform” better. That’s still judging no matter what word I want to use to make *me* feel better… But this kind of awareness seems to elude my mother and she continues.

So I try to change the subject when there is a pause in the conversation, and I ask about one of my childhood memories, which was being sent to a woman for elocution lessons and also to what was called “finishing school” – lessons on how to walk and sit the “right” way. The proper etiquette if you will. So that, at the ripe age of 10 or 11, I might enjoy tea with white gloves and raised pinky with my friends??? Hello. Now if you knew me (and my family) you would know how laughable this is. And what a waste of money that was. We were a semi-professional working class family, not upper crust society. So why the speech and walking lessons I wondered. Her answer was revealing: So that I would know how to “act.” So that I would “fit in” and feel comfortable expressing myself with others (scripted on what to say). And I’m assuming that I would *look* “right” as well – in my black Mary Janes, matching purse and crisp petticoats. Oh yes, I remember. We went *grocery shopping* this way! Can you imagine!

My brother and sister also endured these elocution lessons and we practiced in unison: “RRRRRRollll on thou deep and dark blue ocean, roll on…” I’m sure my parents meant well, but it was interesting to hear what was important to them back then – looking and acting right, fitting in - the seeming foundation for their children’s well-rounded life, successful “careers,” and emotional stability – not. She will never know how utterly unprepared for life I have felt most of the time, because it wasn’t the acting or speech lessons, or “fitting in” that was needed. It was love, support and acceptance, not living up to an image of what I “should” be. Isn’t that really what we all want, what the “spiritual search” is really about – finding authenticity, finding out who we *really* are, and being seen for who we really are with complete and total acceptance, without judgment. But she has no clue that unwinding this conditioned construct has been a part of my life’s journey.

And so I commit to bring more conscious awareness to this learned habit of *unconsciously* commenting on the perceived flaws in others, wanting others to conform to the way *I* think they “should” be, or should behave, subtly trying to control life, and calling it something else. A lot of this has already dissolved, but there are remnants, especially with the people closest to me – like my mother: wanting her to be different than who she is, wanting her to genuinely see and admit her own flaws rather than judging everyone else’s, to somehow become conscious and quit deluding herself. But – that is the task that I have taken on for this lifetime, not her.

We actually had fun today, laughing and overlooking each others flaws, reminding me to just accept the way she is… At least for today…

Heart Smiles…