There are tell-tale signs in the air that Fall is coming. The date on the calendar no longer seems to coincide with what’s happening outside. There are a few leaves turning, and there is the smoky, woodsy-earthy smell of Fall in the evening air. Crickets are chirping less. The clouds are looking more like Fall clouds – that winter gray - as if readying themselves for the snows to come. But it’s still Summer here. Temps will reach into the high 80’s this coming week – actually nearing 90 they say. Summer is hanging on. The first week in October, according to the weatherman, the highs for the day will be 70 degrees across the board. Ahhhh – that’s what I’m waiting for – the chilly days of Fall, especially chilly, rainy, damp days… But so far, no rain in sight.Internally Fall hasn’t arrived yet either – and I eagerly await its coming. Usually there is a feeling of inspiration, and a sense of clarity, of being energized from within. That hasn’t happened, as this body appears to be waning under the load of “family tending.” I no longer refer to it as “care giving” – but just tending what needs to be tended to. Friday I spent 7+ hours in the ER with my sister who was severely dehydrated. Her kidneys were failing. All because she had decided not to eat or drink for nearly 2 weeks – she *says* because of the severity of her back pain and the pain medication she was on that took her appetite away. And then she admitted to me, that it was also because the more that we encouraged her to eat, or asked about food, the more she shut down in order to gain control, until she finally put herself in such a weakened state that her poor body could not function. And I wonder, why one would want control so badly that they are willing to starve themselves for it – but obviously they do – they have medical names for it. Obviously there is a deeply unconscious mind at work here. And sometimes I feel like I am at the end of its emotional leash – and my rope, physically.
Fall reminds me of a threshold time, an in between place, a place of transitions, of liminal light, where the mantle of The Mystery wraps ItSelf closer around us – so IT can be felt, so we can notice its Presence. But the unconscious family dynamic here seems to muffle the awareness, dull the senses, and dampen the inspiration. The pull of the unconscious, and deeply latent emotional baggage, seems stronger than the pull to more quiet, sacred, untouched places within where inspiration of The Mystery lives.
I am certainly learning to surrender to “what is” – in ways I hadn’t anticipated. What else is there to do but surrender – to let go of my own unconscious need for control... I am learning a lot about choice, control and consequences of those choices. And yes, I do believe now that there are choices that have serious consequences being made by unconscious choosers. This does not mean that this “unconscious chooser” is in any way “separate” from The Mystery. It just hasn’t been noticed yet by the unconscious. But that’s another post. I’m supposed to be talking about the Fall that is coming :) – in terms of weather that is.
When one must be preoccupied with “family tending” somehow the seasons just meld into one another, awareness of what is Aware seems clouded, noticing the change of seasons with delight is less colorful, because the pull is towards the magnetism of the unconscious family dynamic. The ones who are most unconscious seem to have the most pull: the ones who do not act on their own behalf, who feel victimized and wronged by life, who reject any form of assistance, suggestion, or encouragement because it is seen as control. And control, for the unconscious mind, must be maintained at all costs, even by trying to kill the body – unconsciously of course. And "we" (the supposed enemy of the unconscious one) suffer the consequences of the unconscious right along with them – and maybe that’s part of the manipulation – to get us to pay for their self-imposed suffering. This may seem like a lot of drama – it is – but it is also life as it is – unfolding as it does. And I write about it because this *is* the reality at the moment. Life is not always “held together” by “spiritual glue.” Life falls apart and comes back together again all on its own, and you just learn to ride the waves…
So here we are in the sea of unconsciousness again – where the suffering of the unconscious takes place – waiting for “The Fall” of the unconscious; the demise of this bastioned inner sanctum of lost luggage. And it is seen that there is no intention or interest to claim its luggage by those who remain unconscious.
I truly look forward to the cool, clean, crisp air of clarity. It may be a long time coming…
Here are a few pictures reminding me that Fall is coming…
Oak Leaf and Acorns
collected on a walk...
~
I happened to step out our back door
one evening recently to this
beautiful sight of Fall clouds -
noticing the Fall air that
settles around everything
in the quiet of the night that
settles over the land..
