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in these anecdotal,
sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fall is Coming... Or is "The Fall" Coming...?

There are tell-tale signs in the air that Fall is coming. The date on the calendar no longer seems to coincide with what’s happening outside. There are a few leaves turning, and there is the smoky, woodsy-earthy smell of Fall in the evening air. Crickets are chirping less. The clouds are looking more like Fall clouds – that winter gray - as if readying themselves for the snows to come. But it’s still Summer here. Temps will reach into the high 80’s this coming week – actually nearing 90 they say. Summer is hanging on. The first week in October, according to the weatherman, the highs for the day will be 70 degrees across the board. Ahhhh – that’s what I’m waiting for – the chilly days of Fall, especially chilly, rainy, damp days… But so far, no rain in sight.

Internally Fall hasn’t arrived yet either – and I eagerly await its coming. Usually there is a feeling of inspiration, and a sense of clarity, of being energized from within. That hasn’t happened, as this body appears to be waning under the load of “family tending.” I no longer refer to it as “care giving” – but just tending what needs to be tended to. Friday I spent 7+ hours in the ER with my sister who was severely dehydrated. Her kidneys were failing. All because she had decided not to eat or drink for nearly 2 weeks – she *says* because of the severity of her back pain and the pain medication she was on that took her appetite away. And then she admitted to me, that it was also because the more that we encouraged her to eat, or asked about food, the more she shut down in order to gain control, until she finally put herself in such a weakened state that her poor body could not function. And I wonder, why one would want control so badly that they are willing to starve themselves for it – but obviously they do – they have medical names for it. Obviously there is a deeply unconscious mind at work here. And sometimes I feel like I am at the end of its emotional leash – and my rope, physically.

Fall reminds me of a threshold time, an in between place, a place of transitions, of liminal light, where the mantle of The Mystery wraps ItSelf closer around us – so IT can be felt, so we can notice its Presence. But the unconscious family dynamic here seems to muffle the awareness, dull the senses, and dampen the inspiration. The pull of the unconscious, and deeply latent emotional baggage, seems stronger than the pull to more quiet, sacred, untouched places within where inspiration of The Mystery lives.

I am certainly learning to surrender to “what is” – in ways I hadn’t anticipated. What else is there to do but surrender – to let go of my own unconscious need for control... I am learning a lot about choice, control and consequences of those choices. And yes, I do believe now that there are choices that have serious consequences being made by unconscious choosers. This does not mean that this “unconscious chooser” is in any way “separate” from The Mystery. It just hasn’t been noticed yet by the unconscious. But that’s another post. I’m supposed to be talking about the Fall that is coming :) – in terms of weather that is.

When one must be preoccupied with “family tending” somehow the seasons just meld into one another, awareness of what is Aware seems clouded, noticing the change of seasons with delight is less colorful, because the pull is towards the magnetism of the unconscious family dynamic. The ones who are most unconscious seem to have the most pull: the ones who do not act on their own behalf, who feel victimized and wronged by life, who reject any form of assistance, suggestion, or encouragement because it is seen as control. And control, for the unconscious mind, must be maintained at all costs, even by trying to kill the body – unconsciously of course. And "we" (the supposed enemy of the unconscious one) suffer the consequences of the unconscious right along with them – and maybe that’s part of the manipulation – to get us to pay for their self-imposed suffering. This may seem like a lot of drama – it is – but it is also life as it is – unfolding as it does. And I write about it because this *is* the reality at the moment. Life is not always “held together” by “spiritual glue.” Life falls apart and comes back together again all on its own, and you just learn to ride the waves…


So here we are in the sea of unconsciousness again – where the suffering of the unconscious takes place – waiting for “The Fall” of the unconscious; the demise of this bastioned inner sanctum of lost luggage. And it is seen that there is no intention or interest to claim its luggage by those who remain unconscious.

I truly look forward to the cool, clean, crisp air of clarity. It may be a long time coming…

Here are a few pictures reminding me that Fall is coming…




Oak Leaf and Acorns
collected on a walk...

~

I happened to step out our back door
one evening recently to this
beautiful sight of Fall clouds -
noticing the Fall air that
settles around everything
in the quiet of the night that
settles over the land..

8 comments:

  1. Dearest Christine...'The Fall' must be coming...I can barely stand up. It's that checkmated feeling. The end of the road. Complete acceptance or bust. We say...'whatever it takes' and God may be staring us squarely in the face -- in disbelief :)
    Fall is my favorite time of the year here. Change is in the air. I hope there is some change with deep relaxation, rest and joy for you right here...or around the corner. Thank you for this beautiful post and photos...there is truly nothing quite like Colorado clouds.
    xoxo
    -L.

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  2. wonderfully evocative fall photos! and my heart goes out to you in this family situation. I think to myself, what can I say that would help? what wise words to help? it is confusing for sure. we get pulled into these webs, how to keep clarity and intention afloat at these times? how not to get worn out by it all? these are the koans? what if you didn't wait for 7 hrs with your sister? what if you said I can take you and I am happy to come get you but I can't stay? I am thinking of how to take care of yourself. I am thinking about changing the dance steps. with many hugs and much metta.

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  3. Thank you Leslie... Yes, "The Fall" is certainly coming :) facing those hidden areas of the unconscious still wanting to maintain control - and yet, not being sucked into the vortex of the unconsciousness of others.It's been an amazing noticing of how the unconscious works.

    Will be glad to have time to deeply relax :)

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  4. Thanks ZDS :) It is certainly "complicated."

    Yes, I could have made the choice to not wait in the ER that long. I actually left before she had been assigned a room. Part of it was the uncertainty of what was happening, or whether she was going to be admitted or sent home, etc. She said she would have been okay with my leaving, and yet it would have fed into her psychology of being abandoned. :) And coming and going and the not knowing what was happening would have been more stressful for me. It's not like I could have gone about life as if nothing was happening. I just haven't gotten to the point yet where I can just walk away. :) But the dance definitely needs to change.

    Thanks for the metta and the reflection...

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  5. "What else is there to do but surrender?" That's a great question, Christine... and one probably ought to considering asking ourselves daily. Lovely images and autumn contemplations... Autumn is a good time to refocus, reconsider, renew... I lift you up in my thoughts regarding your family situation, especially what's happened lately with your sister. I wish that you may find someone how can help you--practically and physically. Very wish for you a new dance routine... ((BIG HUGS))

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  6. Dearest Christine...

    I've no words of wisdom by I do have a sisterly shoulder you can lean on and a heart that says right now just offer a gentle hug...so that is what I offer you...a gentle hug through the ethers.
    Holding you close in heart...
    xoxoxo

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  7. Akasa - Your Sweet Heart *knows* the wisdom that is needed intuitively! :) No words needed - just sweet Heart to Heart Hugs :) Thank you for listening to your Heart :) I welcome the ether hugs, and send them back to you as well...wafting on the breeze of Love... Christine

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