Life Postmortem...

It's been six weeks since my mother passed...  My grieving has ended.
I did most of my grieving over the 3 months she was home on
"Hospice Care", waiting to die; which was really her children taking
care of her 24/7, watching her deteriorate; although, because of her
dementia, she forgot that's what was happening to her - until about
a week before she passed, making it all the more sad...
She struggled so hard to hang on to life...

But my mother's passing was not the worst part actually.
I am at peace with that and my "spiritual" beliefs have seen
me through.  It's the "postmortem..."

Now my days are dominated with going through her 90 years of
life's belongings at her house with my sister.  Mom was a bit of a
pack rat/hoarder, so we are trying to clear things out so we can
put the house up for sale, which also means trying to find a place
for my sister to live, as she has lived with my mother for 8 1/2 years.

But she doesn't want to move.  That is not an option - she can't pay
the mortgage or the bills...  My brother returned to his home early
in April after staying with Mom for 3 months until the week after
she died, and tried to set things in motion for my sister and I to
follow through in processing the "postmortem" experience.

The process itself is difficult, even demanding, but with my siblings
has been especially challenging.  We are all so very different;
different values, different priorities, different perceptions, and we've
 all taken different paths, and made different life choices for ourselves
 and how we choose to live...  And they don't mix well.  But we manage
most of the time to treat each other kindly...  Unfortunately there has
 also been a lot of drama, which I really can't expand upon here... 
But will be glad when everything is finally settled, and I can "move on",
 as they say, and have some space to breathe again, and hopefully
 rekindle  the Spark within, as I am feeling rather uninspired lately
 - lackluster;  out of sync with the rhythms of Life.
 Like an automaton going through  the motions to get things done,
 yet surprisingly "present" as well.

But nothing speaks to me anymore - well almost nothing.
Feeling trapped in the particulars of my moment-to-moment
experience. It is what it is, and I am where I am...  No pretense here...
The stress of the family dysfunction and the grind of being
 immersed in the mundane has made me weary of life - and placed a
 heavy burden on my heart...

I have had little time for Solitude and deep Meditation - feeling rather
distracted by the externals of living, creating a feeling of "separation"
from the Alive Presence within...
My meditation space has now become storage space for some of my
 mother's things, which will have to be gone through at a later time -
another "postmortem" activity...

I don't foresee this "experience" ending any time soon.  It will probably
last through the Summer, although I know this too shall pass, and
there will be another, hopefully brighter, postmortem...

I realize I am on the edge of a new journey, a new chapter in this
story that is playing itself out in my life at the moment - waiting
for the page to turn.  I know it's all just a story in the context of a
larger Story - but still...  It is being lived in "real" time... condensed
from somewhere out of time...

And so it goes...

Namaste

~

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.
It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another
human being.  We should all be thankful for those people
who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

Fall is Coming... Or is "The Fall" Coming...?

There are tell-tale signs in the air that Fall is coming. The date on the calendar no longer seems to coincide with what’s happening outside. There are a few leaves turning, and there is the smoky, woodsy-earthy smell of Fall in the evening air. Crickets are chirping less. The clouds are looking more like Fall clouds – that winter gray - as if readying themselves for the snows to come. But it’s still Summer here. Temps will reach into the high 80’s this coming week – actually nearing 90 they say. Summer is hanging on. The first week in October, according to the weatherman, the highs for the day will be 70 degrees across the board. Ahhhh – that’s what I’m waiting for – the chilly days of Fall, especially chilly, rainy, damp days… But so far, no rain in sight.

Internally Fall hasn’t arrived yet either – and I eagerly await its coming. Usually there is a feeling of inspiration, and a sense of clarity, of being energized from within. That hasn’t happened, as this body appears to be waning under the load of “family tending.” I no longer refer to it as “care giving” – but just tending what needs to be tended to. Friday I spent 7+ hours in the ER with my sister who was severely dehydrated. Her kidneys were failing. All because she had decided not to eat or drink for nearly 2 weeks – she *says* because of the severity of her back pain and the pain medication she was on that took her appetite away. And then she admitted to me, that it was also because the more that we encouraged her to eat, or asked about food, the more she shut down in order to gain control, until she finally put herself in such a weakened state that her poor body could not function. And I wonder, why one would want control so badly that they are willing to starve themselves for it – but obviously they do – they have medical names for it. Obviously there is a deeply unconscious mind at work here. And sometimes I feel like I am at the end of its emotional leash – and my rope, physically.

Fall reminds me of a threshold time, an in between place, a place of transitions, of liminal light, where the mantle of The Mystery wraps ItSelf closer around us – so IT can be felt, so we can notice its Presence. But the unconscious family dynamic here seems to muffle the awareness, dull the senses, and dampen the inspiration. The pull of the unconscious, and deeply latent emotional baggage, seems stronger than the pull to more quiet, sacred, untouched places within where inspiration of The Mystery lives.

I am certainly learning to surrender to “what is” – in ways I hadn’t anticipated. What else is there to do but surrender – to let go of my own unconscious need for control... I am learning a lot about choice, control and consequences of those choices. And yes, I do believe now that there are choices that have serious consequences being made by unconscious choosers. This does not mean that this “unconscious chooser” is in any way “separate” from The Mystery. It just hasn’t been noticed yet by the unconscious. But that’s another post. I’m supposed to be talking about the Fall that is coming :) – in terms of weather that is.

When one must be preoccupied with “family tending” somehow the seasons just meld into one another, awareness of what is Aware seems clouded, noticing the change of seasons with delight is less colorful, because the pull is towards the magnetism of the unconscious family dynamic. The ones who are most unconscious seem to have the most pull: the ones who do not act on their own behalf, who feel victimized and wronged by life, who reject any form of assistance, suggestion, or encouragement because it is seen as control. And control, for the unconscious mind, must be maintained at all costs, even by trying to kill the body – unconsciously of course. And "we" (the supposed enemy of the unconscious one) suffer the consequences of the unconscious right along with them – and maybe that’s part of the manipulation – to get us to pay for their self-imposed suffering. This may seem like a lot of drama – it is – but it is also life as it is – unfolding as it does. And I write about it because this *is* the reality at the moment. Life is not always “held together” by “spiritual glue.” Life falls apart and comes back together again all on its own, and you just learn to ride the waves…

So here we are in the sea of unconsciousness again – where the suffering of the unconscious takes place – waiting for “The Fall” of the unconscious; the demise of this bastioned inner sanctum of lost luggage. And it is seen that there is no intention or interest to claim its luggage by those who remain unconscious.

I truly look forward to the cool, clean, crisp air of clarity. It may be a long time coming…

Here are a few pictures reminding me that Fall is coming…

Oak Leaf and Acorns
collected on a walk...

~

I happened to step out our back door
one evening recently to this
beautiful sight of Fall clouds -
noticing the Fall air that
settles around everything
in the quiet of the night that
settles over the land..

Eating My Words for Christmas...

I awoke this morning with the usual “holiday dread” that I have felt for many years on Christmas day, anticipating the usual tension of being together with my family, celebrating a Holiday I no longer believe in, with people who often feel more like strangers. And in a sense we are: my mother the pious Christian, my sister the Wiccan, and me – the Meandering Mystic with Buddhist/Vedanta leanings… We all share different beliefs about “The Holiday.” My sister and I basically celebrate Christmas *for* my mother. The one thing we have in common is the over stuffed emotional baggage that we all carry and pass back and forth from one year to the next - re-gifting you might say. Each year it seems like there are more and more emotional items stuffed in our stockings, hung by the chimney with care, so that they won’t overflow and spill out, causing a scene… But try as we may to stuff those little pieces of coal deep into the toe of each stocking, those dark emotions somehow overflow into the experience. And often the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Last year in particular was that way. We had all decided not to give gifts because we were all feeling the pinch financially. We rationalized that “we are all adults now” and don’t need to do the “gift thing.” But despite my mother’s claims that “it was being all together that mattered,” she pouted the entire time because there were no gifts… And - *she* gave gifts *despite* our previous agreement not to do so. It was clear that for my mother it *is* about the gifts. So – despite being in the same financial situation this year, we made sure there were gifts…

My sister picked me up this morning on her broom. (My husband is in New Mexico spending the Holiday with his mother, sister and brother-in-law – who all share their own emotional baggage as well – so tension abounds on both sides. His mother has moderate to severe Alzheimer’s, and is deteriorating quickly, so he wanted to spend Christmas with her before she gets to the point where she forgets who he is.) Anyway, my sister arrived on her broom and we headed over the river and through the woods to mother’s house… :)

Upon entering the highly decorated replica of Santa’s Workshop that doubles as my mother’s home, there were a few moments of the usual tension, and I felt myself brace. Despite my “spiritual path”, despite intending to be present, despite deciding that I would consciously step back and just be “aware”, “in the moment” and so forth, I could feel the tension arise in my body, my mind went foggy, a veil came down over my eyes, and I thought – here we go again…

And then something quite magical happened when we all sat down and started the gift exchange. The tension left and we all began to actually enjoy the day – and - one another… I have no clue really why this happened, as it hasn’t happened in previous years. Was it the magic in the giving of the gifts, I don’t think so – although it did serve as a distraction - but something shifted, something “new” unfolded. There was a sense of ease and comfort with one another, genuine laughter and conversation that I do not remember experiencing before. Now I can’t say that my heart opened and suddenly all the emotional baggage dissolved, but…

So here is where I get to eat my words, and maybe some sweet eggnog to wash them down, and take a fresh look at this “Holiday” thing, this “family” thing… Despite the usual family tensions, despite my mother/daughter issues, despite all my negative anticipations, despite my scroogeness about “The Holiday”, wonder of wonders it actually *felt* like we were a “real family” today: People who actually trust and enjoy one another. It was strange yet comforting, like maybe there *is* a “real family” hidden in all that baggage somewhere – stuffed into the tippity tip of that stocking behind the coal – not just the “Rockwellian image” that we have tried to create over the years.

It felt as if a flicker of light was rekindled today. Both my sister and I felt it. It was totally unexpected and unanticipated! *I* did not *do* anything to create it: I wasn’t particularly present, or aware, or trying to be in the moment. But there it was - the experience of “family”, gift giving and the celebration of a holiday unfolding in its own way. I relaxed into it and moved with it as it unfolded itself – like receiving an unexpected gift with a sense of amazement. I came away changed by this experience in some way – wanting more – wanting to open myself more, and see what reveals itself…