This is my mind on resistance – cluttered. I know all who are therapists, or those who have had therapy, will have a hey day with this picture. It is my “work” space, where “creativity” is supposed to happen – and does. And yet, the space has become crowded over with the clutter of resistance. I am even resistant to de-cluttering it… And no, the rest of my house does not look like this – thankfully. Oh it has its little piles of things here and there that need to be put away – like clean laundry on the love seat – instead of love - and dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. We won’t go into those metaphors. :) And piles of books waiting to be read, or papers of interesting information downloaded off the internet stacked – waiting to inform me. The rest of the house is fairly sane looking. Especially my meditation space – the clearest place in the house! It’s only this particular space that is rather insane at the moment. (Well, except the basement, but that’s my husband’s domain.) Everyone has their space where they stuff their clutter it seems. And yes, the outer does reflect the inner. :) There is a part of me that is deeply cluttered, resistant and “insane” – ie: lacking clarity, wisdom and peace. And all that is bubbling to the surface this week – kind of like the oil in the Gulf – thick and gooey and not easily cleaned up - ugh. I haven’t seen these dark spaces within in quite a while. So it appears I’ll be bringing the light of awareness into the depths for a look see. But I already feel myself resisting that too…
It seems my awareness the other night about “no resistance” has become a portal into – resistance. Into seeing just how resistant I am. This week there have been several revelations in this area. And my “space” seems to be where it gets dumped, where I can deal with it later. Heh,heh, heh. Except, as it appears, it never really gets dealt with.
So what is this resistance…
There are several things I am resisting this week. My mother’s upcoming eye surgery next Weds for one. I’m dreading it, already feeling “responsible.” It is a day surgery in an office building “surgery center”! No more overnight hospital stays. She’s 82 and a diabetic. I’m already feeling resistant to having to take responsibility for her care right after surgery, which includes staying overnight at her house – which means little sleep (which will impact my own health issues.) I don’t mean this to sound uncompassionate. It’s not. It has more to do with my own fears of being “responsible” for others – which comes from being given responsibility way too soon in life. And the conditioning that if I was *responsible* I got approval and kudos from my parents. I was a latch-key kid before the word became popular – taking care of my 2 younger siblings at the age of 11. Even now I think, oh my god, so much could have gone wrong! I was thinking that back then, believe me. I was always thinking of what could go wrong and that I wouldn’t be *responsible* enough to know what to do. I became a little parent – and fear became my companion. I learned to try to control what I felt out of control with – which was most of life at that time! (And of course some things never change :)) Eleven! What was my mother thinking! And so resistance emerges now… What if something goes wrong – I’ll be re-spons-ible… clutter, clutter, clutter…
There’s another resistance that arose this week. As many of my regular readers know there has been some serious family drama with my husband’s family. Well, my husband decided, in the spirit of Aikido, after consulting with a couple of lawyers, that he didn’t want to resist what was happening (in a legal way). He wanted to try to reconnect with his sister, and meet her “half way” in New Mexico somewhere… My immediate reaction was resistance! Oh you better be careful. Are you sure you want to open that door again? Well *I’m* not opening that door! What if it doesn’t go well… yada, yada, yada. And of course he decided to meet her on Weds of next week. So there was the resistance that said – You’re not going to be here to support me! What about me! What if I need you! Oh dear – 11 years old again. I’m totally responsible and there’s no one here to support me! :) You get the idea… clutter, clutter, clutter…
So – what *is* this resistance…
Well, the first layer for me is fear. That seems quite evident as I write this. Fear of risks, uncertainty, fear for my safety, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of vulnerability, fear of the dreaded “r” word – no not resistance - Responsibility… :) Fear is the fuel that feeds resistance. I see this now…
So I get to practice “no resistance” big time this week – and this is just the first layer, the first plume of thick, muddy oil spewing out of the well within… As I mentioned in the previous post, just *saying* “no resistance” softly to myself brings me back to the awareness of that clear, clean space inside; to the present moment; to seeing that from this space of inner Presence I can pierce through all the mental clutter that’s built up, and *begin* to swath a path through the thickness to the light of clarity again – to sanity… The first level of environmental clean up has begun! I just need to remember to return to this clear, clean space of Awareness by whispering – “no resistance.” Of course, resistance still rises – that plume is still spewing its contents - but I can meet the resistance, the fear, with no resistance… Maybe. :) I’ll let you know how it goes…
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