The last
few days I’ve become acquainted with pain and “the way of things” – as
spiritual teacher Ram Dass calls it - which sounds much nicer than the
dismissive phrase - “it is what it is” - that I have often heard in terms of
the way life goes.
Today I
was supposed to take my mother for her eye surgery. But as it turned out my sister and husband
had to take on that responsibility when my back went into spasm last Friday
night, after another 3 hour doctor’s appointment with my mother and an hour’s
drive on either end. It was a pain worse
than any I remember. It went up the right side of the spine and around the right side of
the rib cage. Despite self-massage, back rubs, heat packs, ice packs,
stretching, energy work, trying to find a comfortable position, praying my
muscles would release their grip, the pain remained intense. I finally gave in to pain medication at
5:10 am Saturday morning - after no sleep, and playing musical chairs all night. The medication knocked me out for a couple of hours, leaving me feeling drugged – but the pain returned.
It wasn’t done with me yet…
In the
ensuing days I speculated that this must be my unconscious emotional resistance
(and not so unconscious) J
contracting against life as it is. On
the other hand, I thought, it may have simply been a matter of body mechanics,
sitting in the car, and those uncomfortable waiting room chairs. And on the other hand, if everything is exactly
as it should be, then maybe this was a larger Universal Intelligence (which I
would like to believe there is J) telling me I didn’t need to be in control, on top
of things, always available, feeling responsible; that it was time to let go,
to release this old role that tends to keep me in knots and a little “wired” as
my mother and sister have recently alluded to, suggesting that my “presence”
was not necessarily “helpful.” J That was an interesting reflection in the mirror. J
Or – just
maybe – for the moment - it was just “the way of things”: Life playing Itself
out as it does with no hidden meaning, agenda, or conclusion… And yet I do feel like I was given an
opportunity here to see things differently – about myself and my assumed roles; as well
as seeing the need to take care of myself both emotionally and physically and
not try to be super woman for my family.
I also became aware that no matter how one *tries* to be “present” or
helpful, if it cannot be done from a deep place of Presence, and only comes
from the place of personality/ego, then it’s best to just back out of the way… In this case, I was literally “taken out” –
for whatever reason.
Pain has
an interesting way of bringing us to our knees, dissolving defense mechanisms,
and our self image: those lofty *ideas* we have of ourselves, like being
“spiritual” or “helpful” or “present”, demanding that we surrender to the
moment as it is – to look at things as they really are, including ourselves and
how others see us – and being willing to see the truth of it. Although will have to say I wasn’t that philosophical
about it at the time. I had no higher
thoughts of “spirituality.” I was just a
person in pain, in the immediate experience of pain, tyring to do my best to
ride the wave: sometimes resisting the pain, and sometimes remembering to
breathe into the experience, allowing it to be what it was in the moment. Resisting,
allowing, resisting, allowing, again and again and again, all the while taking
my pain medication with gratitude J, until the muscles finally let go of their grip -
yesterday. *I* was not the one “letting
go.” No matter how I *tried* to control
the letting go by trying to relieve the pain, it had its own way, and its own
time evidently.
And so it
goes… Pain, family dynamics, and life in
the moment… The way of things…
Allow
by Danna Faulds
“There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado.
Dam a stream,
and it will create a new channel.
Resist, and the tide will sweep you
off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry you
to higher ground.
The only safetly lies in letting it all in –
the wild with the weak;
fear, fantasies, failures and successes.
When loss rips off the doors
of the heart,
or sadness veils your vision
with despair,
practice becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being,
the whole world is revealed
to your new eyes.”
~
Photo:
Rain on screen through window
looking out at the back yard
