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sometimes inspiring, sometimes personal meanderings of the Heart's opening in the every-day-ness of Life...

Friday, June 24, 2011

Family Vortex - Victims and Vampires

It seems I get right to the edge of losing my self and falling into the spaciousness of the Vortex of Light, about to fully surrender into the vast pool of Love, when “life as it is” calls me back from the edge every time; sucking me back into dreamland again… How does this happen, I continue to ask myself…

In this case, as in most other cases, it’s the requirements of family needs, of an aging mother and a sibling with chronic back problems. Both have legitimate physical disabilities, one with failing memory and cognitive abilities as well. But the emotional dynamics of our family dysfunction feels like a play of Victims and Vampires.

With my own aging process and physical ailments I’m finding it more and more difficult to be of assistance to them without completely draining my own life force energy and physical body of its stamina. And I wonder sometimes *how* am I going to continue to do this – to be available to them on a daily basis - as was the case this week. I know there are many of you out there who are, or who have taken care of aging parents, and disabled family members, and so this may come across as a little whiney as I feel my victim-self arise. She wants to know who will take care of her, who will be there for her when this body gives out. I feel trapped by the family vortex and resentment arises - afraid that I’ll be devoured by the vortex of vampire energies needing me – lost in their vortex forever. Sounds *self*-centered, I know.

I will spare you the details of the current situation, but the family dynamic involves a kind of do things only just in time, and just as needed, where those in need don’t take care of themselves in a timely fashion, but wait for crisis point and hope that somehow “The Universe”/God will “take care of everything” – believing “there is a reason for everything.” This keeps everyone involved on an emotional edge – waiting for something to happen, for someone to rescue, for someone *else* to make a decision and take responsibility.

One of the “victims” in this play feels victimized and angered by life circumstances – feels life is happening *to* them, not seeing that the choices they have made in life have created the issues they now face. Neither do they see the impact that their choices are having on others – how they have actually turned into energy vampires. This “victim” *thinks* they are the center of the universe and everything is supposed to happen *for* them… The Universe evidently is supposed to move solely on their behalf. But that doesn’t happen and they end up trying to control everything, to lessen their fear of powerlessness and helplessness - grabbing a false sense of power wherever they can – usually through anger and control. I know, I’ve been there done that… :) And more often than I like to admit I re-visit that space of resentment, anger and control because of my own fear that I will not get what I need... Another *self*-centered fear...

Another victim in this play can also be “self-sacrificing,” giving in to “the victim,” sacrificing their own needs, taking the brunt of the other victim’s wrath. Unable to enjoy life if someone is in pain or suffering (another role I know well), they feel it is their obligation to suffer with those who suffer, but their “caring” is often a mask for a detached piety, and need to be in control. It amazes me the false sense of power that is wielded in this play!

When I am in the family vortex, I am in the moment with them, but I am just trying to get through that sucking energy. I cannot step out of the vortex. And I wish I could just open that aperture and fall into that pure Light and expanded space of Awareness – but I get lost in the vortex with them - feeling sucked in – oops victim language. But I am not “victim” here, I just haven’t seen all the way through this vortex, and I continue to buy into the story of victim and vampires, getting caught in a self-centered dream…

So that’s my little dream drama this week. Not one I really want to participate in, and yet, here I am – participating… It does however show me where I am still attached to the *self*-centered dream of me… And I realize that living in the dream of me is really only living at the edge of Life, always waiting, waiting to fall off the edge, but never really letting go and fully surrendering to the pull of Light; never really taking the plunge – and be devoured by Love…

~*~

We all survived the week and things have settled.
The story has changed, as it always does…

~*~

Art: this piece was done when I first started playing with Pastels,
probably sometime in 2005/2006



9 comments:

  1. ah, the family, such a land mine of practice! It was only a few weeks ago that a family member showed me how good my practice wasn't.

    Yet, yet, if we can look at it with dispassion it can tell us something. We can get familiar with the hooks we get caught on. And maybe after we've done it a million times, we will make a different choice.

    It is an interesting road to travel, if only it didn't make us feel so crazy! And if we can just remember to be kind to that little self that ends up in the middle of it all!

    I am loving the colours and composition of this vortex. Perhaps you are finding the beauty in the difficult. There is a Canadian photographer named Edward Burtnysky (sp?) who takes photos of atrocities on the landscape and makes them look beautiful. The juxtaposition of your post and your art makes me think of him.

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  2. ZDS ~ During this experience I remembered what Adyashanti has said several times - "If you think you're enlightened, spend time with your family." :) Oh yes... Definitely recognizing those old hooks.

    Thank you for the observation about the art. Although I did it several years ago, it seemed to fit the sub-theme of the post re: being at the edge and taking the plunge. And thank you too for what you said about seeing the beauty in it all. Yes, seeing through...

    I'll check out Burtynsky - thanks!

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  3. Dear Christine, thank you for your openness. It is a gift. What an unwinding process it all is.....this work of the heart.....all opening in its own organic time.

    Sweet love, Mags

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  4. Dear Mags ~ Thank you. I think of your posts on being open and vulnerable,speaking what's in the heart. I sometimes worry that it's too much story, but this is life as it is at the moment. And life is a story :)

    And I love that you call the work of the heart an unwinding. I hadn't thought about that, although I do remember that Adyashanti says that when we just rest in Awareness, and allow Awareness to take us (kind of like that plunge into the pool there) it unwinds us... And just allowing everything to unfold in its own time... So true! Thank you!

    Heart Hugs :) Christine

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  5. Thank you Dear Christine, for this beautiful post, and for the two perfect Adya quotes...'...in allowing Awareness to take us...it unwinds us...' -- OH! Thank God :)
    xoxo
    -L.

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  6. Dear Leslie... Yes! I just keep diving into that pool of Awareness as much as I can... :) Love, C

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  7. Thank you for the details, Christine. . . All the details that swirl in that vortex you are able to pluck out so succinctly, so (apparently) calmly.

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    1. :) Sometimes calmly, sometimes not... It's easier to write about it after-the-fact from a calmer perspective. But sometimes being *in* the vortex is intense!

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  8. I appreciate your writing----so much----and look forward to catching up on reading your older entries, too.

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