Anticipation Part 1 and 2...

August is looking to be a busy and challenging month, which actually started already in July…  With my last few posts on “sabbatical” life you might think my absence here has been because I have been blissfully raptured in Silence.  Not so… J   Instead I have been attending to the requirements of daily living, and tense family issues – feeling more like an automaton in “The Matrix” – distracted from the deeper Life within…

Hubby is winging his way south again on the long 525 mile ride to visit his mother in NM for a few days, which will finally give me some days to settle into meditative Silence, living “sabbatically” – meditating, journaling, reading, painting, or however Being moves within – finding The Rhythm again - moving intuitively and fluidly *with* the day – like spontaneously writing this post… J  Although I love my “alone time” I am already reminded how much I miss him when he’s not here – anticipating his safe return…

Also anticipating Mother’s eye surgery, scheduled for Aug 14^th, requiring several appointments before and after.  We already had one 3 hour appointment in the surgeon’s office.  It’s been frustrating with her dementia to get everything coordinated, and everyone on the same page.  My mother’s confusion is getting worse, although she is able to hide it quite well when we go to for her appointments.  I didn’t realize how serious it was until I discovered that she couldn’t answer my questions about when her appointments were, and what they were for, as she had managed to get it all confused, even though she had written it all down.  You see, I made the mistake of letting her make her own appointments, not wanting to “take over”, not realizing just how serious her dementia was getting.  I wanted to let her still feel like she was in control of her own life -  as if any of us really are – and yet she believes she is – and is not giving up easily.  She insists that she’s not confused, and is feeling like we are making her look that way.  And yet, clearly, there is confusion, loss of memory from one moment to the next, and a strong willed stubbornness that doesn’t want to admit that she needs help keeping track of things – like a bill that didn’t get paid for 3 months!  Oh dear…

And of course, there is the anticipation of how things will go the day of surgery and the day after. Like will she be able to see…  Last time she could not see out of her eye the day after surgery.  No one had told her that that was a possibility. She had gone into the surgery anticipating that her eyesight would immediately improve.  Instead, she  needed a corneal transplant 4 months later.  And with my own health issues I wonder if I will have the stamina to to stand up under the physical and emotional strain with little sleep – anticipating an early morning surgery time – like 6:30am, check in up to two hour before.  Are you kidding me!  I don’t even know how my mother will be able to do that!  So I commandeered my husband to go with me for support. J  Everythying is done outpatient now, requiring family to be the primary caretakers. Thankfully, at home, my sister has that duty of eye drops every two hours.

Added to this we were anticipating the possibility of my Mother-in-law having to be transferred to a Care Facility here near us from NM in August.  We checked into local facilities with Alzheimer’s units.  Her coming here would mean I would be actively engaged in her care - being on top of things with the care facility, and several daily visits to help feed her.  Gratefully that is not going to happen.  But needless to say with the uncertainty and anticipation I have been feeling a little overwhelmed - knowing that I need “sabbatical.” 

All this anticipation is based on the story of what *might* happen, I know…  But sometimes life is lived that way – with anticipation.  It’s not that one is not in the moment as it is, but it also unfolds with anticipation.  At least that *is* how Life is unfolding here at the moment.  I need to remember that it’s all just waves on the great Ocean of Consciousness, and turn towards the Inner Abiding Self – and abide there; not getting overwhelmed by the requirements of life at the moment - although at times I feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest without air – but lean into the mountain/moment and keep going.

Window sitting, meditiating, and Silence are my ways of leaning into life, maintaining the awareness of, communing with, and deepening into the Divine Presence within, the vast Cosmic Ocean in which this life, this story, is all happening.  This is not my “escape” but my Life-line, so that I might fully function and be present in the midst of challenging times…  Looking “forward” to the present moment of “sabbatical” J

Anticipation Part 2

How quickly life changes… J

4 hours after B’s departure he called to say he was having car trouble.  He had stopped at a “garage” off the highway to see if they could tell what was wrong.  They couldn’t.  Told him he needed to find a dealership; they suggested he go back to Colorado Springs, more than two hours away.  He hoped he could make it all the way back home.  I am not sure I could even drive our 23 year old little Honda Civic anymore to go get him, as it is stick shift with a difficult clutch. 

So I waited - moment to moment – filled with anticipation – what ifs – hoping the car didn’t completely break down - waiting for the next phone call, indicating the next milestone.

I would like to believe that I could just step back into a wonderful place of peace and presence and deep acceptance of what is, but I was on edge – with anticipation – for nearly 4 hours.  So this is living in the moment, which in the moment was anticipation…  And even in that there is “acceptance” because what else can one do, but wait and anticipate…  Life is what it is from moment to moment. 

He arrived safely home at 6:45pm….

Ahhhh – life… J