Unknown Territory - Matt Licata

At times, our reference points will be taken away, revealing
a shimmering, pregnant, endarkened void.  What were so
clear about just a few days ago is nowhere to be found.  The
inspiration in our spiritual lives, our deepest insights and
realizations - recycled in the activity of the vast - somehow
no longer reachable.

The solid ground [of beliefs] we once took refuge in has
disintegrated underneath us, sending us into unknown
territory.  We were so sure were beyond breaking yet again,
that we finished all that, but the Beloved is not interested in
maintaining the status quo.  It is the nature of all form to
disintegrate, so that new forms may emerge.

Between the worlds.....longing for an end to the contradictions,
we find ourselves in the liminal, but how do we rest there? How
could we be asked to surrender more?

It can seem that we are falling apart, but were we ever together
to begin with?  Is that even the right lens from which to attempt
navigation? Or were we always something more whole?
Today may not be the day for answers, but to let your heart
break open to the vastness of the questions.

Something is longing to be born, in you, as you, as the poetry
of your life and as the gifts you will share with others.  Lay
your hands on your heart.  Listen.  Receive.  There are blues
coming into existence that have never made their way into this
dimension.  Oranges, reds, yellows, and purples that have been
sent to remind you of the rarity and outrageousness of one human
heart...

Stay right here.  Don't move from this moment.  Open your senses.
Step into the Mystery.  See through the veil.  Everything that has
ever happened and everyone you have ever met, has led up to this
moment.  Trust in the fires of disintegration and renewal, and in the
timeline that is written within the cells of your heart...

Matt Licata

Anticipation Part 1 and 2...

August is looking to be a busy and challenging month, which actually started already in July…  With my last few posts on “sabbatical” life you might think my absence here has been because I have been blissfully raptured in Silence.  Not so… J   Instead I have been attending to the requirements of daily living, and tense family issues – feeling more like an automaton in “The Matrix” – distracted from the deeper Life within…

Hubby is winging his way south again on the long 525 mile ride to visit his mother in NM for a few days, which will finally give me some days to settle into meditative Silence, living “sabbatically” – meditating, journaling, reading, painting, or however Being moves within – finding The Rhythm again - moving intuitively and fluidly *with* the day – like spontaneously writing this post… J  Although I love my “alone time” I am already reminded how much I miss him when he’s not here – anticipating his safe return…

Also anticipating Mother’s eye surgery, scheduled for Aug 14^th, requiring several appointments before and after.  We already had one 3 hour appointment in the surgeon’s office.  It’s been frustrating with her dementia to get everything coordinated, and everyone on the same page.  My mother’s confusion is getting worse, although she is able to hide it quite well when we go to for her appointments.  I didn’t realize how serious it was until I discovered that she couldn’t answer my questions about when her appointments were, and what they were for, as she had managed to get it all confused, even though she had written it all down.  You see, I made the mistake of letting her make her own appointments, not wanting to “take over”, not realizing just how serious her dementia was getting.  I wanted to let her still feel like she was in control of her own life -  as if any of us really are – and yet she believes she is – and is not giving up easily.  She insists that she’s not confused, and is feeling like we are making her look that way.  And yet, clearly, there is confusion, loss of memory from one moment to the next, and a strong willed stubbornness that doesn’t want to admit that she needs help keeping track of things – like a bill that didn’t get paid for 3 months!  Oh dear…

And of course, there is the anticipation of how things will go the day of surgery and the day after. Like will she be able to see…  Last time she could not see out of her eye the day after surgery.  No one had told her that that was a possibility. She had gone into the surgery anticipating that her eyesight would immediately improve.  Instead, she  needed a corneal transplant 4 months later.  And with my own health issues I wonder if I will have the stamina to to stand up under the physical and emotional strain with little sleep – anticipating an early morning surgery time – like 6:30am, check in up to two hour before.  Are you kidding me!  I don’t even know how my mother will be able to do that!  So I commandeered my husband to go with me for support. J  Everythying is done outpatient now, requiring family to be the primary caretakers. Thankfully, at home, my sister has that duty of eye drops every two hours.

Added to this we were anticipating the possibility of my Mother-in-law having to be transferred to a Care Facility here near us from NM in August.  We checked into local facilities with Alzheimer’s units.  Her coming here would mean I would be actively engaged in her care - being on top of things with the care facility, and several daily visits to help feed her.  Gratefully that is not going to happen.  But needless to say with the uncertainty and anticipation I have been feeling a little overwhelmed - knowing that I need “sabbatical.” 

All this anticipation is based on the story of what *might* happen, I know…  But sometimes life is lived that way – with anticipation.  It’s not that one is not in the moment as it is, but it also unfolds with anticipation.  At least that *is* how Life is unfolding here at the moment.  I need to remember that it’s all just waves on the great Ocean of Consciousness, and turn towards the Inner Abiding Self – and abide there; not getting overwhelmed by the requirements of life at the moment - although at times I feel like I’m climbing Mt. Everest without air – but lean into the mountain/moment and keep going.

Window sitting, meditiating, and Silence are my ways of leaning into life, maintaining the awareness of, communing with, and deepening into the Divine Presence within, the vast Cosmic Ocean in which this life, this story, is all happening.  This is not my “escape” but my Life-line, so that I might fully function and be present in the midst of challenging times…  Looking “forward” to the present moment of “sabbatical” J

Anticipation Part 2

How quickly life changes… J

4 hours after B’s departure he called to say he was having car trouble.  He had stopped at a “garage” off the highway to see if they could tell what was wrong.  They couldn’t.  Told him he needed to find a dealership; they suggested he go back to Colorado Springs, more than two hours away.  He hoped he could make it all the way back home.  I am not sure I could even drive our 23 year old little Honda Civic anymore to go get him, as it is stick shift with a difficult clutch. 

So I waited - moment to moment – filled with anticipation – what ifs – hoping the car didn’t completely break down - waiting for the next phone call, indicating the next milestone.

I would like to believe that I could just step back into a wonderful place of peace and presence and deep acceptance of what is, but I was on edge – with anticipation – for nearly 4 hours.  So this is living in the moment, which in the moment was anticipation…  And even in that there is “acceptance” because what else can one do, but wait and anticipate…  Life is what it is from moment to moment. 

He arrived safely home at 6:45pm….

Ahhhh – life… J

Reflections - Alzheimer's

Our time visiting with B’s mother last weekend was poignant.  It went much better than expected.  We had been told by family members that she was unable to see, hear, and was pretty much withdrawn into herself, having been diagnosed with "Alzheimer's."  We were unexpectedly surprised, as she was quite coherent – recognizing both B and me.  “She” was not absent, not blank.  She could see, not well, but well enough to recognize us, and could read large letters on her birthday cards.  She could hear with the aid of her cochlear implant, although it was intermittent.  We soon let go of the imposed label of “Alzheimer's” and just experienced her as she was – engaging with her as she was – not having expectations for how she was supposed to be – either way – coherent or confused.

We had been instructed by family members that it was okay to ask her questions, but we found that barraging her with questions to see what she could remember was unnecessary.  There were many things she remembered. Instead, after an initial barrage of questions, we just sat there with her, quietly, just being present with her, enjoying the silence without expectation of interaction.  B and I sat across from each other while his mother gently rolled back and forth in her wheelchair between us; which I found interesting behavior.    Before long she spoke, saying she had to be in the care center (which she thought was a hospital) until she got “better” (meaning until her broken arm had healed – which it has) but did’t think she would get out of there.  She said she just wanted to go home.   She wanted to know if she could come live with us…  We were told that Alzheimer’s patients do that.  They want to leave (escape) and go “home” – wherever “home” is in their minds.  But we were struck by her question.  It was deliberate and pointed right at B.   She turned away from me as if I wouldn’t hear, and asked: Can I come live with you?  Oh dear… What do you do with that!

It was quite clear from our time with her that although she clearly had diminished capacity, memory, and had moments of confusion – often asking if her mother was going to come to her birthday party, and repeatedly asking us how long we were going to be there, she also was quite *aware* and knew exactly what she did and *didn’t* want.  Had she lost connection with herself?  It didn’t appear so to us.  Her personality was still quite in tact, including mannerisms of speech and nuance of affect that I clearly remember. 

Her birthday party was filled with laughter, as she quipped that she was surprised that she had lived that long, hoping that she would have more birthdays “here” (in the care center).  You could see the pleasure as well as the lostness on her face.  Interesting. 

On our last evening there, after an agitating incident in which I innocently tried to get her to eat her dinner, she told me I should go have dinner and come back later, then closed her eyes and withdrew somewhere into herself, and rapidly rolled her wheelchair back and forth at the table, occasionally peeking to see if I was still there.  I began to wonder if it would be better if I left the room.  This went on for nearly an hour.  They said she was soothing herself with this movement.  But what was she agitated about – was it the loss of control, being directed to eat when she didn’t want to.   She was clearly angry.  Was she not able to handle the emotion, and this was her way of soothing it – like an autistic child?  Who can say…

Later, we each went to her to tell her that we were leaving.  When it came my turn, I was tentative as I bent down, looked in her eyes and said I was leaving.  With sad eyes she said, you’re leaving with B aren’t you… as if she had remembered that we were leaving the next day, resigned to the fact of our departure.  Once again I was surprised.  She lifted her hand and placed it on my face as we stared into each other’s eyes.  A poignant moment of connection…  Someone is still “home”…

Photo:
An unfinished mandala,
like an unfinished life…

Art Day With Mom...

My mother celebrated her 84th birthday this week. We had her birthday celebration on the weekend – dinner and a home movie. And then I took her to lunch yesterday. We drove back to my place for a bit more of a visit; to give my sister a break from my mother, and to give my mother a break from my sister... We ended up spontaneously having an “art day.” It started with her saying that she was interested in knowing the medium that I work with. Really!? Interested!? I do not normally share my “art” with my mother very often. She has a particular and critical eye. But I figured what the heck. I felt secure enough in what I do – after all it’s just for fun – I mean, how could she “criticize” a simple vortex of color. There really aren’t any strokes or technique to criticize. It really is just a matter of perception. My mother has done some art in her life. She did wonderful pen and ink fashion drawings when she was in her teens and 20’s, then moved into oils, but left her art life behind to raise us kids. And she had never worked with Craypas Pastel Oil sticks before.

I enthusiastically showed her what I had been doing. I even demonstrated *how* I do what I do; enjoying the opportunity to instruct my mother :). Showing her how simple it really is, using color combinations, creating a vortex of color with different shades of colors, using the fingers and thumb to blend and merge the colors as much as you want in a circular motion, until it intuitively feels “finished” – until you are moved by it; explaining to her that it was just about color and movement, not making it *look* like anything in particular, and just seeing what emerges.

She patiently watched as I explained. I had assumed she wanted to do the same thing – just play with color and motion – making vortexes. I had forgotten how conceptual she is. For her, art isn’t art unless it *looks* like some *thing* - “like a photograph” she once told me… That’s a hard requirement and self-expectation to live up to, often leaving disappointment. She can’t relax and just have fun with it. So she gazed out the window and painstakingly attempted to draw/paint what she saw, trying to follow my technique. But it was a different kind of art and required a different technique, which I had no knowledge of. The technique I use was not appropriate for what she wanted to accomplish, and she had a hard time with it - said it was “labor intensive” - oh dear… For me, art needs to be fun, fluid, and from the Heart – no agendas, no expectations. It was obvious that we each had a different approach, a different way. And I had hoped to make this a “fun” experience for my mother.

But – we still had FUN together - really – something that doesn’t happen that often with us. Although she has softened a lot, she still pushes my buttons sometimes, and I imagine it would happen a lot more if I lived with her 24/7. But for now it appears we are on a voyage of discovery, both individually in art and together in relationship, which happens in its own ways and rhythms. And it only happened this time because spontaneity opened the door! We somehow just fell into “art making”… In losing ourselves in the silence of creativity we relaxed our stance with each other and opened the space for grace to appear – softening the space between us. Admittedly, this does not always happen. In this instance I saw the need to let go of trying to “help” with what she was doing – to not interrupt her process, or offer too many suggestions, but to encourage and support. I stood out of the way as much as possible, literally and emotionally, falling back into a place of open awareness, and just watched her do her thing. She was quite imaginative actually. She gave us a pond in the backyard!

It was an interesting exercise for me in patience, in presence, in just being in the moment, allowing Mom her creative space without judgmental interference; getting to know* how* my mother *sees* things, without labeling it, and just seeing her create the way she wanted to. It’s all about perspective – and relaxed presence – with each other and with our “art”…

So I’m planning another luncheon “art day” with Mom… Who knew creativity would open a door…

~

Presence to each other
is the door
to all belonging…

John O’Donohoe
From Eternal Echoes


We are cups,
constantly and quietly
being filled..

The trick is,
knowing how to
tip ourselves over
and let the beautiful stuff out…”

Ray Bradbury

Primal Scream

Like so many others these days my husband and I find ourselves at the edge of the abyss. It is the abyss of uncertainty, feeling like we are just re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic that is about to sink into the dark unknown. Lately I have been feeling the weight of life circumstances that keep pulling and pushing me in directions that “I” don’t want to go in, to try to keep from drowning. Resistance to “life as it is” arises quite easily these days and shows up in a whole array of emotions. And I mud wrestle (aka *identify*) with the thoughts, feelings and story that I’m living at this moment, that isn’t going at all the way “I” had in mind. I have been unable to see everything in context, to step back out of the mud, and live from the space of Presence, letting this all blow through – all the things that I know I “should” be able to do, but am not doing. And all previous “awakenings” & awareness appear to be gone. I am back at square one, wondering what happened…

What it feels like inside is a deep primal scream, as if Being/Presence Itself is screaming to be let out, to express, to break through, to fully live Itself. It’s like a deep impulse for Life, something beyond the surface story of the “me” that keeps getting stuck in the mud. And thus this funky little picture that I did a couple of years ago to express this deep internal scream that I was feeling back then. But what can this be? - this primal scream. Is this really the ego resisting, wanting life to be different than it is… Or is this Being – the Essence of Life - rising up from what feels like a deep place of primal existence, feeling suffocated by current life circumstances… I don’t know. Maybe a little of both, and maybe I am deluding myself. Some would say it is the ego, the false self that is creating this, feeling these feelings - the mind-identified state. But WHO is identified? And WHO is mud wrestling here? If it’s really all the Self then WHO is screaming to be free? I don’t know. And that’s part of the humbling of this present life experience, I just don’t know. All I know is what I am experiencing in this moment. And it feels like something bigger, deeper than ego that wants freedom from the constraints, the limitations of life as it is being lived at the moment. And I know that it’s not a matter of what “I” want, but is this *really* what LIFE wants! And WHO is questioning this? Once again, I don’t know… But I know I need to get in touch with whatever “it” is…

Non-duality teachers say that the remedy is to come into present moment awareness, into the NOW of the moment, to live life as it is with radical acceptance, to just rest in Awareness and allow, to not get entangled in it, to not identify with the story, etc. Yes, I know this, and it’s easy to regurgitate these words of the masters, but it still doesn’t explain WHO is screaming from the inside, and what does it *really* want… Often I feel like I am living somebody else’s present moment – being dragged along by life circumstances (like being dragged through the mud behind a run-away horse) that have been *created* by other people that I am supposed to just accept. And so I engage in thinking that this should not be happening and could have been prevented – I know, I know – irrelevant storytelling. And so for me it's not just about “present moment awareness” where “I” (ego) am aware of the surface life events of the present moment – life being lived - but also an inner awareness of what is aware of this moment, an awareness of inner Presence – the ever-present Awake Aware Being that is aware of all this – that is apparently living & experiencing all this, and evidently trying to get my attention – or so I interpret this primal scream.

Admittedly, I have become so preoccupied and numbed by the spirit-killing demands and distractions of chaotic living (I know you can relate :) that I have been on automatic and haven’t been spending much time in Stillness, deeply listening to this Voice that is calling from within. I haven’t been walking my talk, what I know in my Heart to be true… So it seems I am being called to the womb of Stillness again, to listen, to hear, to rediscover the Truth again… For me that is the “remedy” – to return to the space of inner Stillness and just listen to the call, the longing of the Heart – to commune with Stillness (Being/Awareness/Presence) and just ask to be shown the Truth of the situation…

Yo – Mr. Wizard, what’s all this racket going on behind the curtain?

I’ll let you know what I hear… :)

Heart of Wonder

Today we took a little trip into the mountains to get away from the house and the basement issue for a while. We felt like Jeremiah Johnson, the character in my husband’s favorite movie, where he leaves the life he knew to find a new way of living in the rugged Rocky Mountains. In essence to escape, and ends up with more adventure than he bargained for, as well as a new perspective on life. Part of the lyrics to the theme song go: “Jeremiah Johnson made his way into the mountains, bettin’ on forgettin’ all the troubles that he knew…” We decided we needed a little forgettin’ of house troubles, at least for a few hours, and so we escaped into the mountains for some fresh air. It was actually overcast and rainy today, but it was exactly the kind of day where the pungent pine odor was very strong because of the wetness. It was a welcome relief from the musty odor we’ve been inhaling in the house.

You may be wondering what all this has to do with the picture of the angel holding a little gold ball. Well before we left for our little outing, my husband presented me with this little gift. The outside of the box said: “Angel of Wonder.” I curiously opened it, with anticipation, and pulled out this little figure as my husband explained that it was symbolic of remembering to look at life with wonder. When I looked at it for a few minutes, what I saw was the “face” of curiosity, and the phrase from one of Pema Chodron’s books popped into my mind - be curious instead of afraid. Now my husband may not be a handyman around the house, but he knows how to touch my heart – with wonderment. He has such a heart of wonder himself. He sees life totally differently than I do – which has been a good thing for me. He is very curious and adventurous, where I like stability and security. So sometimes we are like oil and vinegar, but today we were like honey and warm tea on a cool Fall day – just perfect together. And that was good for us too, to see that there is still a heart connection there. The heart of wonder still beats in the relationship, allowing us to appreciate each other, despite being at odds with each other over house issues, life issues, and all the other stressful issues that have been sending us down the rapids lately. It was a wonder-full respite as we spent time in the wonder of nature, smelling the fresh air and pine. I got lost in the moment without the usual worry about life’s circumstances, enjoying my partner’s company and conversation. Escaping into the mountains brought a fresh perspective. Seeing life with a heart of wonder opened me to seeing with present moment awareness, with curiosity, instead of fear and fret. Life feels workable again. Ahhhh….

The end of the theme song for Jeremiah Johnson goes: “The story doesn’t always go the way you had in mind.” My husband gave his perspective on what has become our own theme phrase lately. He said, as we’re driving the winding mountainous roads: “That doesn’t mean that it goes “bad” – it just goes differently. And looking at life with wonder gives you the courage to renew your life from a new perspective…” Wow – now there’s some wisdom for you! I admire his innocent heart of wonder and wisdom. It gives me the courage to see life with that same sense of wonderment – with curiosity – with awareness – with heart wisdom.

Lens/Focus

Yes, the picture to the right is supposed to be blurry. :) Although it was not originally taken for that purpose, but it serves a purpose here.

Last Wednesday I picked up a new pair of eyeglasses. It has been more than a couple of years since I’ve had a new prescription. Now you might already think you *see* where I’m going with this, but read on…

Within an hour of *trying* to adjust, *trying* to see I had a pressure headache, my eyes hurt, and I became physically fatigued. So off came the new glasses and on went the old way of seeing – which interestingly was MUCH clearer. :) There are multiple metaphors here I know… But let’s just focus here a little bit…

The rest of the day my head and eyes hurt and I had trouble focusing. I felt like my brain had been scrambled. Well it is anyway, but it felt like someone had put it in a blender and hit the liquefy button - the thinking function went mush. I had no idea that blurred vision could cause blurred thinking. My poor eyes didn’t know where to focus, and neither did my brain evidently. I was just going to lay down, close my eyes and rest and hope it would pass, but on the way to the couch I got distracted at my desk doing some paper work. And it seemed that in the *focus* my symptoms started to clear up. By actually focusing my eyes on one thing at a time, instead of being over stimulated with trying to take everything in all at once, the eyes evidently refocused themselves and my headache lifted… The act of focusing actually helped. However, as soon as I left the act of simply seeing and went into a wider aperture, allowing in more stimulation, the eyes lost focus again. Hmmm. I know there must be another metaphor here as well… :)

And maybe the simple noticing here is that when I’m feeling bombarded with too much input, I need to come back into the place of present moment awareness and focus. If I try to make too many decisions, or think about all the things I need to do, or have so much information coming in at me at one time, the system gets overloaded, things get out of focus, and I get fatigued with the distortion of it all. Sitting in a quiet, low-lit space and quietly focusing, minimizing the external distractions that blurred my vision, brought back perspective to an overly distorted view of things. This reminded me of my need to spend more time in quiet stillness, something I don’t always remember to do. It is helpful for me to withdraw myself from all the “eye strain” of trying to see too much, and just focus on what I need to see in the moment.

I was able to get an appointment with the eye doctor for a re-check the next morning. She gave me a thorough exam, made adjustments and gave me a new Rx.

During the exam the doctor nicely explained that when you change the lens it focuses the light on a different place in the back of the eye, changing how your eye focuses, and thus how you *see.* The eyes try to get the light to focus back on the old focus point, causing muscle strain in the eye. Interesting. So even physically we try to *resist* seeing something new, or seeing in a new way…

And of course there’s the old familiar metaphor here too. :) It seems the lens we use can create clarity or distortion, because it’s the lens that causes the eye to focus, or not, to bring the light to the point where we are able to *see.* It seems the clarity with which we see life depends on the lens we are seeing *through* - the lens of our perceptions. My perception of the way things are is the lens through which I’m seeing life, which creates distortions of how things really are. My usual lenses are fear, worry, stress and anxiety. But I’m going to need different ‘eyeglasses” to clear those up. I’ll need a monocle for that – the One Eye of present moment awareness – focusing moment by moment from the place of Stillness.

How clear is your focus lately? What lens of perception are you seeing through?

Heart Smiles – MeANderi
www.ASerenitySanctuary.com